Nana Needs Advice

[Pigeon]

But what I'm saying and a few other people is that is what it looks like to the older DD. She sees her sister getting a place to live, probably food, free childcare a lot more than the occasional she is asking for, and when she asks for a bit of help part time with her baby she is told no. It has to hurt.

Unpaid routine care for an infant is not a bit of help in my book. It is an unreasonable request. If the dd was asking for occasional help when her normal sitter was sick, that's "a bit of help."

 

[Allison]

But what I'm saying and a few other people is that is what it looks like to the older DD. She sees her sister getting a place to live, probably food, free childcare a lot more than the occasional she is asking for, and when she asks for a bit of help part time with her baby she is told no. It has to hurt.

I have seen my siblings get things like that because of their circumstances. I was not hurt. I was determined I would not do that to my parents myself and put even more burden on them. Under the circumstances laid out by the OP , I would never consider asking. It is too much to put on top of everything else.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Unpaid routine care for an infant is not a bit of help in my book. It is an unreasonable request.

Thank you Pigeon.... You said it perfectly... especially in this case, with all the OP has on their plate, this is def. an 'unreasonable request'.

I totally agree with this, and with this last post by Allison.

Just because one child finds themselves in a situation where they need help is just no justification for any other child expecting a free ride.

Two wrongs NEVER makes a right.

 

[Tink415]

There's an idea. Could you share the care of the elderly parents and the 2 children amongst the 3 of you? For example, you look after your dgs before and after school, youngest dd looks after the infant on Saturdays or a night or two when older dd has to work, and older dd takes her grandparents to Dr's appointments?

This is an excellent idea.

 

[capegirl]

OP here with an update. We did have our 'family meeting'..it was a long day in my neck of the woods. After much soul searching I came to the conclusion that I could not possibly care for an infant on a daily basis. I told my oldest DD that under the circumstances, I could only help out one or two days per week, with the understanding that this would be temporary. I also asked her to be prepared in the event that her grandparent's health took a turn for the worse, or if I find another job. I asked DD and her husband to begin looking into income sensitive childcare ASAP.

As a mother, I have always made a great effort to treat my children equally. I know some of you wondered if our younger DD was the favorite but this is not the case; we let her move back home with our grandson because it was necessary, and their safety took priority. It is painful to know that both my girls are struggling, and they had to reach out to us. From time to time we all need a helping hand, but there is something to be said for being self sufficient. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the overwhelming response, and support that I have rec'vd from my DIS friends. I want to thank each of you for taking a moment out of your busy lives to share your thoughts with me, and for allowing me to vent my frustrations. You have touched my heart.

 

[cornflake]

And maybe the older DD has worked to make sure she isn't in the same situation? We don't know. perhaps the younger is there because of irresponsibility or poor planning and the older has lived her life differently.
Maybe the younger has a long history of always being bailed out and the older never was? we don't know. Perhaps this is the first time she has ever asked for help and the younger has all her life.
The trouble with glimpses like this is we just don't know the whole family dynamics.

I just think it would be hard to swallow if you were the older and this was the first time you asked and where told no while watching your sister get it all. It would leave a very bitter taste in my mouth and alter my feelings toward my parents.

But we know the older one hasn't worked to make sure she's not unstable and poor at planning because she's asking her mother to watch her infant while she works because she apparently can't afford anything else.

That's someone who has problems. She has only a part-time job, an infant and apparently can't afford daycare or get a good job that will provide for daycare. Hence she doesn't seem to have worked to make sure of much of anything.

As for her sister getting 'it all' her sister is an adult who had to move back in with her parents to get back on her feet. It's hardly a situation to be jealous of, and if someone was, I'd wonder about them.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

But what I'm saying and a few other people is that is what it looks like to the older DD. She sees her sister getting a place to live, probably food, free childcare a lot more than the occasional she is asking for, and when she asks for a bit of help part time with her baby she is told no. It has to hurt.

Certainly. But the situation is what it is. Younger DD and DGD are already there, the elderly parents are already there. She is not going to boot them out just so that she can give older DD a turn to have her assistance. OP is already overwhelmed. If she takes on a newborn (which BTW is so much more than "a bit of help") she will be stretching herself to utter exhaustion. What good will she be to anyone when she is completely worn out, burned out, and probably sick from the stress?
I think the best situation would be what some others have suggested--for the family to work out a plan for sharing the burdens so that they are not all on Mom.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

OP here with an update. We did have our 'family meeting'..it was a long day in my neck of the woods. After much soul searching I came to the conclusion that I could not possibly care for an infant on a daily basis. I told my oldest DD that under the circumstances, I could only help out one or two days per week, with the understanding that this would be temporary. I also asked her to be prepared in the event that her grandparent's health took a turn for the worse, or if I find another job. I asked DD and her husband to begin looking into income sensitive childcare ASAP.

As a mother, I have always made a great effort to treat my children equally. I know some of you wondered if our younger DD was the favorite but this is not the case; we let her move back home with our grandson because it was necessary, and their safety took priority. It is painful to know that both my girls are struggling, and they had to reach out to us. From time to time we all need a helping hand, but there is something to be said for being self sufficient. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the overwhelming response, and support that I have rec'vd from my DIS friends. I want to thank each of you for taking a moment out of your busy lives to share your thoughts with me, and for allowing me to vent my frustrations. You have touched my heart.

Saw that you updated while I was typing. Good for you, capegirl. It sounds like you handled this in the most reasonable and kind way you could. You sound like a wonderful, loving mother and grandmother. I hope your older DD will be able to find suitable childcare soon and that if she has any hurt feelings she'll be able to get through those quickly.

 

[Nancyg56]

As a mother, I have always made a great effort to treat my children equally. I know some of you wondered if our younger DD was the favorite but this is not the case; we let her move back home with our grandson because it was necessary, and their safety took priority. It is painful to know that both my girls are struggling, and they had to reach out to us. From time to time we all need a helping hand, but there is something to be said for being self sufficient. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the overwhelming response, and support that I have rec'vd from my DIS friends. I want to thank each of you for taking a moment out of your busy lives to share your thoughts with me, and for allowing me to vent my frustrations. You have touched my heart.

I am so glad that you and your girls have come to an understanding. Balancing the needs of your children, even as adults, with your own is never an easy undertaking because Mom seem to be programmed to fix problems.

 

[kirstenb1]

OP, thanks for coming back and giving us an update. One person can't do it all. You sound liike a very caring mother, daughter and grandmother, and wife! Whew, that was a lot just to type out, let alone live!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am glad you sent us an update....
I also think you sound like a very wonderful and 'giving' person, and mother and child!!!!!

It is just SO hard when we, as women, have to acknowledge that we really only have so much we can give.....

PLEASE, please, save something for yourself, and your husband!!!!
Do not underestimate how important that is.
Completely and absolutely necessary, for life and health!!!

I hope that everything goes well with both of your daughters and your parents, and YOU!!!

 

[minniebeth]

Capegirl, I'm sure your decision was not an easy one. It's wonderful that you are being true to yourself and ultimately your family. You never know, sometimes big decisions lead to wonderful, unexpected outcomes. I'm sure your DDs will see and appreciate your true love and unconditional support for them.
Take care of yourself too!

 

[lizziepooh]

Thanks for the update. I am surprised that your daughter would even ask. I think you made the right choice for many reasons, as it affects everyone in your household. It sounds like your household has enough stress already and your plate is plenty full now.

A fussy or crying baby could be very upsetting for everyone, especially the elderly parents. It would not be easy to haul a baby along with elderly parents to their appointments.

The five year old who "is a handful and having behavioral problems" would have to be watched closely to be sure he didn't accidently hurt the baby. With school out soon, who will be watching him full time this summer?

Younger DD who works full time is dealing with trying to put her life back together after a bad situation and is dealing with a difficult child, so she is probably stressed.

This probably was not the way your husband pictured his retirement, so he may be having some feelings about things. I wish you all the best and hope things will settle down sooner rather than later.

 

[bethy]

I have seen my siblings get things like that because of their circumstances. I was not hurt. I was determined I would not do that to my parents myself and put even more burden on them. Under the circumstances laid out by the OP , I would never consider asking. It is too much to put on top of everything else.

My thoughts exactly.

On top of that - who in their right mind would want their young child cared for by someone who really didn't have the emotional resources to handle it well? I would never want my child to be cared for by someone as (understandably) overwhelmed as the OP.

 

[Nancyg56]

My thoughts exactly.

On top of that - who in their right mind would want their young child cared for by someone who really didn't have the emotional resources to handle it well? I would never want my child to be cared for by someone as (understandably) overwhelmed as the OP.

In fairness to the DD, I bet Mom never let on that she was overwhelmed. Sometimes it seems that your Mom is wonder woman, no matter how old you are. I would guess that the OP has been handling the pressure she is under well, at least on the surface so the DD went to instinctively when she needed childcare for her own baby.