My son told he can't go to the bathroom during math class - what to do?

[pyrxtc]

from what I understood when i was in school (high school, not long ago) it is illegal for the teacher to not let you go to the bathroom if you really need to go. I used to just walk out and use the bathroom no matter what the teacher said since I had to go. they knew it was a losing battle. We went the bathroom and came back.

Also, my DD is 9 and in 3rd grade. She hardly ever goes to the bathroom in the morning before leaving for school so she goes at school. Up until the 4th grade, they ahve a bathroom in each classroom and the kids are allowed to just get up and go whenever just like home. Holding it in can cause infections and having an accident at school at that age because a teacher wouldn't let him go is just wrong. It should never be used as a toll to teach him to go at a more convenient time. Even as adults, we all have to go at inappropriate time and we choose to hold it or just go.

Just be glad your son is regular!

 

[winniedapooh]

DD had an immature bladder when she was younger...basically her bladder stopped growing. She had many accidents and had to go all the time. Every year I sent in a note from the dr. The only time I had a problem was with the gym teacher who refused to listen to her, he did after I got through talking to the school, and a youth group leader who has no children. He never did that again either.

 

[Selket]

He is definitely in math class from 11-12:30 - 90 minutes straight through. They have an open house every year and that was the class I sat in on with him (he had a different teacher then - cause they rotate teachers as I mentioned). It is a LOOOOOOOOONG class!

They do not have a break between reading and math. He is with his homeroom teacher for reading until 11:00 and then they switch right to math. There is no break between - they literally line up to do the switch and wait in the hallway/inside the classroom. I just mean it wasn't like high school where we had a few minutes between classes!

I still think the teacher should talk to me before making such a rule for just him. My youngest one (age 4) has type 1 diabetes so I know that going to the bathroom was the 1st sign. I mean...I don't think my older one has diabetes but if he is always asking to go to the restroom (which he claims is not the case) then the parents should be notified right? If he DID develop diabetes this would be my first clue (and the same for other kids). And even other health issues that might need to be addressed. Or maybe he just needs to use the restroom! I guess we aren't all made the same in that regard.

He doesn't drink much in the morning - just a glass of milk - certainly no soda! LOL!

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

my DD has run into this - mostly with the "over zealous" lunch room ladies. I have always told her that if she REALLY HAS to - to just go ahead and go, no matter what she is told - and to tell anyone involved that they can speak to me about it. If there is a problem after that I will handle it with the teacher or whoever.....of course, I had the discussion of "do you ask too much" and let her know that she is to try to work in at better times and not abuse it...

I can't tell you how many times I have heard from DD that so-and-so wouldn't let someone go and then "someone" wet their pants - seems to me, if I were a teacher or aide, I would want to avoid THAT at all costs!!!

 

[sleepyone]

When I was a kid I had several bad experiences where I had to go to the bathroom and was told no. When my daughter started school, I told her that if she ever had to use the bathroom and the teacher said no, to get up and go anyway and that I would not punish her if she got into trouble. But I did tell her that if she ever abused this I would ground her butt until she was 18. It has never come up and she is now 14. But it was very important to me that my kid know that if she has to go to the bathroom, that she can darned well go!

After my dd was told she couldn't go to the rest room and had an accident, I told her if she ever needed to go ... just go and she wouldn't get into trouble with me. I also told her not to fool around and go when she really didn't need to (*insert* boy who cried wolf story).

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am with the OP here. I would definately be concerned, and angry.

The thing is to actually go up to the school and speak, non-confrontationally, with the teacher, to see what she has to say.

Then, If this is indeed a problem, I would not hesititate to go directly to the Principals office.

1. This is an 8 year old child. (a young third grader!!!)
2. This is a long 'block', a full hour and a half.
3. There is no 'break' being given.

There is NO excuse to not allow a child the opportunity to use the restroom.
Like the OP has stated. There is just NO scenario where this is right.
If the teacher suspected abuse of restroom breaks, then a note home is in order. There are other positive and humane ways to deal with this.

If the teacher did, in fact, make some kind of negative comment, (NOTE: I said 'IF'...) it is simply NOT acceptable to tell an 8 year old child that they are forbidden from using the restroom.

To the OP.
My son has had issues of this nature. Namely encopresis when he was younger. NOW is the time to teach good restroom habits... DH and I have learned that, as a matter of routine, my son sits on the toilet EVERY night before bed, and EVERY morning before leaving for school. It makes the day so much easier when kids, and adults, get their system used to doing this, so as not to be an annoyance at school or work!

 

[Selket]

I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice and all the points of view - it is all been VERY helpful. I will certainly give her the chance to tell me what the problem is or has been with him and why she has said that to him. I do think he has to be allowed to use the restroom however. I'm certainly willing to work on reducing his visits if he is going too often. But if this is how much he really needs to go I'm not sure what I can do about that.

I have a call into the school but I was basically told it was unlikely she could call me back until lunch since, of course, they have NO breaks! I promised my son I'd get it at least resolved enough that he could go to the restroom during class today if he needed to so he shouldn't worry. So....I'm kinda stuck! I'll figure out something.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Best of luck to you. I think you are doing the right thing.

To me, this is very cut and dry. Whenever your son needs to use the restroom he will. Period. You don't need to answer questions as to how often he goes, does he go with someone, etc.

I'm the type that would march into that teacher and say "this is the way it is...either you let my son go to the restroom whenever he wants or he will drop his pants and do his business right here in your classroom!"

 

[cruisnfamily]

Well, I think I'd be mildly concerned but not necessarily upset over this.

Here's what I would do:
1)Talk with my child and make sure there was no "bathroom abuse" going on.(playing around, skipping lessons, etc)...it sounds like you've done this.
2)Tell my child, "if you need to go, just go, don't worry about the consequences". Honestly, if he really does have to go, I'd want him to walk out of the room and go even if the teacher says he can't. I'd handle the fall out with the teacher.
3)Call the school and ask for the teacher to return my call at her convenience.
4)Get the full story from the teacher and work out a reasonable plan.
5)If all of the above failed to help, I'd continue to tell my child to go when needed and we'd deal with the consequences on an as needed basis.

 

[Stitchfans]

yes, I would have a talk with the teacher. I am a firm believer that if you need to use the washroom you should go and not try to hold it too long. It is way too embarassing if you have an accident. Not to mention how he will get teased if he does. He will get all sorts of nasty nicknames from the other students.

 

[Selket]

I just talked to her and the issue is the length of time he was staying in the restroom and that he wants to go every day. I think I got across my message that I want him to be able to go if he really HAS to go. He can't be told no. And I told her I will talk to him more about it at home - to see if he is having physical problems with using the restroom or if he is trying to get out of math. She feels like he is usually trying to get a break from math class. She would prefer that he go after instruction time is over (around noon) when they start to do seat work. So we are going to work on having him go at the beginning of class and then go again - only if he has to - at noon or after. If he truly HAS to go between 11-12 then I want him to be able to go but that shouldn't be every day.

She said she would go talk to him before math and assure him that he can go but shouldn't abuse the priviledge. I just hope that all this discussing of his tolieting issues with his teacher won't make something worse....if he is having problems actually using the restroom and becomes self-conscious about it. He was the last one in his pre-school group to toliet train and we later realized that it was because until he moved into the class for older kids they had a communal bathroom (no doors). As soon as he was able to go into the toliet by himself and close the door he trained right away. I am wondering if there is some issue like this at school - him not feeling comfortable in the bathroom with the amount of privacy. He is very sensitive to things like this although it seems hard to get him to realize it or talk about it.

I will follow-up with her in a few days to see what is happening.

 

[Independent]

I am glad you talked to the teacher and got her side of things. Third graders often have trouble describing events exactly as they happen. They can't help it as it is just a maturity thing.

My daughter's very wise 3rd grade teacher told us at Back To School Night -

That she would promise to only believe 25% of the stuff kids said happened at home if the parents would only believe 25% of the stuff kids said happened in the classroom. She very strongly urged us to call her if there was any question at all about what went on during the day. She wanted open communication with the parents.

Sounds like this happened in your son's class. He didn't think he was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, the teacher thought he was. Sounds like you have a good compromise - he goes at the beginning of class or when instruction is over.

 

[chell]

Glad you were able to talk with the teacher finally. Hope it all gets resolved soon.

 

[Nancyg56]

Well, I think I'd be mildly concerned but not necessarily upset over this.

Here's what I would do:
1)Talk with my child and make sure there was no "bathroom abuse" going on.(playing around, skipping lessons, etc)...it sounds like you've done this.
2)Tell my child, "if you need to go, just go, don't worry about the consequences". Honestly, if he really does have to go, I'd want him to walk out of the room and go even if the teacher says he can't. I'd handle the fall out with the teacher.
3)Call the school and ask for the teacher to return my call at her convenience.
4)Get the full story from the teacher and work out a reasonable plan.
5)If all of the above failed to help, I'd continue to tell my child to go when needed and we'd deal with the consequences on an as needed basis.

This is what I would do. Before I went to the principal, I would try to work with the teacher. I also would want my child to use the bathroom if needed, and then I would handle any fallout. I think it is important to make sure that the child does not get the "us vs teacher" feeling, even before the speaking to hte teacher, because that would forever undermine the level of authority the teacher needs to maintain in class.

 

[Selket]

I definitely did talk to the teacher first. I will see how it all works out but he told me he did have to go to the bathroom today and she let him. He says he is having a bowel movement so not something he could generally do before class (on cue so to speak).

I will just continue to talk to him about it and make sure he understands that he needs to not ask to go when he doesn't need to. And hopefully she will continue to let him go!

 

[aprilgail2]

After my 4th grade experience where the teacher wouldn't let me go and I couldn't hold it and then had to bring in a Dr's note to be able to go more than ONE time a day I made it VERY clear to my daughter that if she ever has to go to the bathroom and is told no to get up, go to the bathroom and then go right to the office and have the principal call me and I will deal with it. I will NOT have her humiliated in the middle of school if she can not hold it.

 

[iggbees]

i remember when i was little (kindergarten actually) i was told by the gym teacher that i could hold it and she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. i peed right there in front of her just to show her that i actually did have to go so bad that i couldn't hold it. it was embarassing for me back then, i had to go to the nurse and everything to call my mom for a change of clothes.

i can't believe that she would tell your son that he couldn't go to the bathroom. i would tell your dr. to write a note to the school so that he can take trips to the bathroom if needed.

 

[damo]

i remember when i was little (kindergarten actually) i was told by the gym teacher that i could hold it and she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. i peed right there in front of her just to show her that i actually did have to go so bad that i couldn't hold it. it was embarassing for me back then, i had to go to the nurse and everything to call my mom for a change of clothes.

Yup, I did that in Grade 1. I had a nun as a teacher and she wouldn't let any of us little ones go to the bathroom, which was right across the hall!!! I just remember the puddle around my desk. Ewwwww.

Back on topic, lots of kids have trouble actually going to the bathroom in public restrooms. My nephew was the same way and it caused no end of problems. Your son might need to extra time to be able to relax.

 

[LMC]

It could be that it just takes him that long to use the bathroom. I have one kid that takes 20-30 min's and two that take about 2 min's. The one that takes a while has some GI issues and those are being addressed so hopefully it will improve soon.
My dd also (2nd grade) had a problem this year with the teacher not letting her go to the bathroom; she'd go all day w/o using it then at 2:00 need to but the teacher thought that was too close to pick up (3pm). After she wet her pants a few times, the teacher lets her go now when she needs to.

 

[mcnuss]

I can understand her wanting to limit unnecessary trips to the bathroom but how can you tell a child he absolutely is not allowed to go? If she thinks he is abusing the system shouldn't she talk to me first?

Actually, I don't think the teacher should talk to you first. She should talk to the child first. We have to allow our children to learn to work out issues without our constant intervention. I know that 8 seems little, but the teacher is the authority figure in the classroom and he needs to understand that. One way he will learn to understand that is by not having Mom or Dad run in to take care of all his problems for him. And to jump right to the principal as some have suggested is just over-kill. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but every time I open one of these school threads I cringe when I see that everyone jumps down the teacher's throat for trying to handle an issue in his or her classroom. I agree with the posters who said that you have to consider the teacher's perspective - our elementary school principal also asked us to invoke the 25% rule. Sometimes you just have to let the student and teacher work it out and I think we all have to accept that a teacher is going to handle your child's discipline differently than you will.