My sister's wedding issues

[Nancyg56]

... and probably should be at a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, too, which I assume no children will be invited to. You really are digging yourself in deeper, and need to do some damage control right away.

Again, I agree with you and the other posters who are clearly surprised that one sister can so easily disregard the circumstances of another. Not only is her sister in the wedding and shouldering the expenses associated with the event, she is expected to be away for her kids and pay for childcare in order to attend.

The bride can do what she wants. Her sister will probably always be a little bothered by this no matter what the final outcome is. She just needs to be ready to live with it.

The sister will probably always be hurt but it seems the bride is only worried about how it affects her. If the bride was really comfortable with he decision she would never have attempted to lie her way out of it nor would she have waited so long to tell her sister. This is one wedding I would sit out.

 

[wall*e2008]

How many people here are thinking "B r i d e z i l l a!!!!"

I am thinking BRIDEZILLA TO THE MAX!!!!

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

How many people here are thinking "B r i d e z i l l a!!!!"

Without a doubt! (Sorry OP, but you are behaving this way.) I hope you take some of what we have said to heart and will come to understand that we are not wishing you ill...instead we are offering advice to help you maintain a relationship with your family.

 

[daisax]

Lots of attitude towards the OP's decision to celebrate her wedding with adult guests in an adult manner.

I guess those of us who live in areas where generally only adults attend weddings (particularly in the evenings) just don't have the same love of family as those for whom inviting children is the norm. And don't understand the whole "spirit" of the day. And selfishly expect weddings to be coronations. And should just elope rather than presume to think that the celebration we want is an actual wedding.

The OP screwed up in a big way with not being up front with her sis, but that doesn't make her selfish for wanting a cocktail type celebration.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Lots of attitude towards the OP's decision to celebrate her wedding with adult guests in an adult manner.

I guess those of us who live in areas where generally only adults attend weddings (particularly in the evenings) just don't have the same love of family as those for whom inviting children is the norm. And don't understand the whole "spirit" of the day. And selfishly expect weddings to be coronations. And should just elope rather than presume to think that the celebration we want is an actual wedding.

The OP screwed up in a big way with not being up front with her sis, but that doesn't make her selfish for wanting a cocktail type celebration.

The OP's whole family invites children. She is the only one who doesn't want to. I live in an area with adult only weddings but nieces and nephews are a whole different ball of wax. The wedding is the ceremony. The rest is a party no matter what you call it.

 

[luvsJack]

I disagree.... IMHO, different things all together.
Adult parties are an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT matter.

A wedding is a union of people and families.
Families often/ususally include children.

As I suggested in my ealier post...
If the OP does not want a family affair. (Just a TRENDY all adult party) Then she should elope. Just invite the 'chosen few'.

It is amazing that anybody could find 'TRENDY' to be more important than the love of a sister.


PS: Just because children in immediate family are included does NOT make a slippery slope that all other non-immediate children would have to be included.

It is first and foremost the union between the bride and the groom. Then comes the rest of the family. A bride and groom should not have to include children if they do not want to. She certainly should not be guilted into including them.

She shouldn't have to make consessions for her sister on her wedding day, it should be the other way around.

When did it become wrong for a bride to plan her own wedding in her own way?

And it can become a slippery slope if there are several very close family friends or extended family that are in the same situation as the sister.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

It is first and foremost the union between the bride and the groom. Then comes the rest of the family. A bride and groom should not have to include children if they do not want to. She certainly should not be guilted into including them.

She shouldn't have to make consessions for her sister on her wedding day, it should be the other way around.

When did it become wrong for a bride to plan her own wedding in her own way?

And it can become a slippery slope if there are several very close family friends or extended family that are in the same situation as the sister.

The bride can have any wedding she wants. That doesn't mean that everyone has to attend. Including her sister.

 

[*Fantasia*]

It is first and foremost the union between the bride and the groom. Then comes the rest of the family. A bride and groom should not have to include children if they do not want to. She certainly should not be guilted into including them.

She shouldn't have to make consessions for her sister on her wedding day, it should be the other way around.

When did it become wrong for a bride to plan her own wedding in her own way?

And it can become a slippery slope if there are several very close family friends or extended family that are in the same situation as the sister.

when is it right to exlude your family?.. now unless she hates her sister's children and there's issues between her and her sister's children then that's another story.

as other posters have said.. "B R I D E Z I L L A ! !" and it is not a coronation of the queen.

 

[luvsJack]

Lots of attitude towards the OP's decision to celebrate her wedding with adult guests in an adult manner.

I guess those of us who live in areas where generally only adults attend weddings (particularly in the evenings) just don't have the same love of family as those for whom inviting children is the norm. And don't understand the whole "spirit" of the day. And selfishly expect weddings to be coronations. And should just elope rather than presume to think that the celebration we want is an actual wedding.

The OP screwed up in a big way with not being up front with her sis, but that doesn't make her selfish for wanting a cocktail type celebration.

ITA!! She did screw up with the way she handled it but she has every right to plan her wedding her way.

I don't think its fair to call the OP a bridezilla. I have see Bridezilla, believe me, and this ain't it. Try a dil who wants $100's spent when they have a $10 budget and thinks crying will get the extra dough--that is a Bridezilla!!

 

[luvsJack]

The bride can have any wedding she wants. That doesn't mean that everyone has to attend. Including her sister.

I agree. I never said her sister should be forced to attend. I just don't see anything wrong with planning an adult only wedding.

I think she should have been upfront with her sister, in that respect she was wrong.

 

[Jennifer S]

My sister also wanted no kids at her wedding. She did allow only the kids IN the wedding party to come. Maybe as a compromise you could have just your nieces and nephews there and no other kids. Make them flower girls and have a ring bearer. I think your sister will still have fun if they are there- maybe even more fun since it will make her feel better.

 

[coles1mom]

they will be involved, they can go to the ceremony just not the reception. My brother is getting married in May, they have his reception to look forward to.

sister is a bridesmaid, so she should be at reception

 

[luvsJack]

when is it right to exlude your family?.. now unless she hates her sister's children and there's issues between her and her sister's children then that's another story.

as other posters have said.. "B R I D E Z I L L A ! !" and it is not a coronation of the queen.

When did I say it was a coronation of the queen?

If she had been upfront with her sister and said from the beginning "adult's only"; then her sister would have had plenty of time to come up with something or they could have brainstormed together for a plan for all the kids and this issue probably would have never come up.

I just don't see how planning your wedding your way makes you a Bridezilla.

 

[Traveliz]

I agree the bride can choose to plan her wedding in whatever manner she wishes -- although I would include the kids -

That aside she is planning her wedding to include her sister as a bridesmaid, got her mom (grandma to the kids and mom of the bride so out as a babysitter) and was trying to keep the sister (bridesmaid) in the dark about the no kids thing...just not right.

I just wonder what she thought her sister was going to do about the kids with the last minute no kid info.

And I highly suspect mom did not let it slip ... but rather let it slip on purpose to mom of the kids.

Liz

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree. I never said her sister should be forced to attend. I just don't see anything wrong with planning an adult only wedding.

I think she should have been upfront with her sister, in that respect she was wrong.

And if her sister can't get childcare, of course she isn't forced to go. Wanting an adult wedding does not make one a bridezilla - I've only seen children at a handful of weddings, older children, not toddlers.

 

[lil mermaid]

And if her sister can't get childcare, of course she isn't forced to go. Wanting an adult wedding does not make one a bridezilla - I've only seen children at a handful of weddings, older children, not toddlers.

She is not a Bridezilla because she wants an adult only wedding. She is a Bridezilla because she avoided telling an out of town bridesmaid (who happens to be her sister) that children were not invited when she KNEW that her sister was planning on bringing hers.

She gets bonus Bridezilla points for trying to get her mother to lie for her.

 

[bumbershoot]

It was not luck that my parents made friends, or made the effort to develop relationships with friends that involved mutual child care. It was common sense.

No, truly, it was mainly luck.

"I just remember as a kid going to grandparents or aunts/uncles on the "other" side of the family when there was a big family event on one side. I remember spending the day at our neighbor's house when my sister was born. And later on there were playmates whose moms would have a sleepover in return for a sleepover when THEY wanted a day/evening/weekend out."

Neighbor who is willing to have a kid over AND trustworthy enough = lucky

Having relatives around and having the OTHER side of the family around = lucky.

The only thing sort of not due to luck was the parents of the playmates, but even there it's luck of the draw. I once was at a sleepover that concluded with the father raging down the stairs SCREAMING at us. No more sleepovers there. What if that happened while the sister was at the wedding hours away, and coudln't come get the kids from that? So even having playmates with parents playing with a full deck involves a bit of luck. (editing to add, that father seemed a pillar of the community, totally normal, sane...until that night...my mom totally trusted them until then)

You are lucky, your parents were lucky. Not everyone has the network to keep up, not everyone has friends who want relationships created in order to have childcare, not everyone has friends with kids, not everyone is sane. Own the luck. You guys had it.

When MY brother was born, my grandmother had to spend hundreds of dollars to fly across the country and stay for some days, and she was verbally abused by my father for her trouble. That's NOT lucky.

Lots of attitude towards the OP's decision to celebrate her wedding with adult guests in an adult manner.

The OP's whole family invites children. She is the only one who doesn't want to.

Exactly.

But I don't even care what this bride wants, but she deliberately HID her decision from her sister. I still would love to know when she was planning on sharing it, and why she thought that her sister would be experiencing fewer difficulties if told closer to the wedding rather than later. That part is very strange to me, at least, in a person old enough to be getting married.

 

[mjkacmom]

She is not a Bridezilla because she wants an adult only wedding. She is a Bridezilla because she avoided telling an out of town bridesmaid (who happens to be her sister) that children were not invited when she KNEW that her sister was planning on bringing hers.

She gets bonus Bridezilla points for trying to get her mother to lie for her.

That doesn't make her a bridezilla, it makes her one of those people who avoid uncomfortable situations, hoping they'll go away (speaking as someone who is married to someone like this). She was wrong not to fess up, and putting it off.

 

[LisaB]

Just because the bride doesn't want children at her wedding doesn't make her a bridezilla. IMHO children don't belong at weddings I have seen too many weddings ruined because of children who can't behave. The only exception I take to this is a sibling or child of the groom/bride. She shouldn't be guilted in having the kids as a flower girl or ring bearer. The only thing IMHO she did wrong was not telling her sister at the get go. But if she is anything like me her sister probably knew before hand that children would never be welcomed at her wedding.

 

[mom of 3G's]

We are invited to an out-of-town wedding next weekend where it is an adult-only reception. We have 3 kids and while it's fine that we all attend the ceremony, there is no childcare being provided and since we are out of town, we have nobody to watch the kids. We figure we'll spend about $500 with transportation and hotel costs, so because the kids aren't invited to the reception and we'd be stuck with another bill from a "sitter service", we've decided not to attend.

Yes it's fine for the bride to make these arrangements as it is "her" wedding, but there will be a lot of hard feelings much past her wedding date. Her wedding will come and go, but the hard feelings will not. Perhaps she could make arrangements for childcare starting at a certain time and that way it will allow all the little people to attend the reception and feel like they were part of the wedding. My kids would be heartbroken if they couldn't attend their aunts reception -- that's where the fun is at-- not sitting still during a wedding. I would hold some very hard feelings toward my sister if she did that. But that's just me...