My sister's wedding issues

[Mouse House Mama]

It is your wedding so you do what you feel is necessary.

But...

I know I wouldn't go to the wedding if my sister told me my kids couldn't go. She actually waited a year to get married just so my youngest would be walking (she got married in her early 40's).

I also wouldn't let some stranger watch my kids which includes any hiring agencys or friends of friends, church people, etc... There are way too many crazy people out there & I would not have any fun at all at the wedding & I'd be worried about my kids that whole night.

I hope your sister & her family have a great night at home doing what they do best as a family.

I didn't invite any kids at my wedding either, only family kids ranging from age 2 to 20 (?). They are family so they are automatially included. I didn't invite any friends kids to the wedding but that was expected. My FIL asked me if his friend could bring their young dd. I told him no only family children were allowed. They still came.

My dh & I were invited to a wedding when my 2nd child was about 6 weeks old. I had my dh ask his co-worker/the groom if we could bring him since I was nursing. No biggie if they said no, I wouldn't go. I was planning on leaving my oldest (then 2 ½) with my parents for the night. Initially they said yes but then he told his bride & she said no.

So I stayed home with my ds & dd that night while my dh went. He didn't stay for long, just long enough to eat & leave. I was going to go to the ceremony but I decided it was a long drive just to see them get hitched.

Also, just remember when you have kids you will change your whole perspective on things. Seriously you will. Your kids will be #1 in your life. So hopefully no one in your family decides to get married & not include your future kids.

I agree with this 100%. They are your nieces and nephews! There is no way I would have went to my sister's wedding if my kids weren't invited. She wouldn't have come to mine if I did that either. I get that certain events are adult only and you don't want every child under the sun but to not have your nieces and nephews? Sorry but I think that is wrong. The wedding is not just about you and your groom. It is the joining of two families. Not just a bride and groom.
That being said, you can certainly have any type of party that you want. You just can't expect everyone to come if they don't like your rules. Oh and if my sister pulled that nonsense of not saying anything about it and then let my Mom slip to let me find out we would be having one heck of a disagreement. That was beyond wrong imo.

Of course this is just MY opinion. YMMV.

 

[Keli]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Her sister does understand, but the bride doesn't understand that her decision to not have children attend means her sister will be unable to attend. At this point in her life, the sister's children are her first priority, not bending over backwards for the bride.

Having said that, I really do think that there is room for more compromise here. As other PPs have already stated, getting a babysitter to stay with the kids during the reception, paid for by the bride and groom, should eliminate the ddrama.
FWIW, I have to agree with AndyB. What is it with brides? All too often, they think that everyone else's life has to adjust or stop just because they are getting married. They are like 2 year olds having temper tantrums. "It's my wedding and if you don't do what I want, I'm throwing a hissy fit." Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a very selfish way of thinking.

I would never allow my kids to stay with any sitter that I did not personally know.
I do agree though that I think it is very selfish to think that the whole world should stop because of someone's wedding.

 

[brockash]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

I personally wouldn't have a wedding without kids invited, but I also don't think everyone has to feel that way, however in your situation, it sounds like maybe the irresponsible parents shouldn't be invited. That's sad that their are parents who would let their kids run around knocking into things and ppl

 

[Disneydonnam]

Her sister does understand, but the bride doesn't understand that her decision to not have children attend means her sister will be unable to attend. At this point in her life, the sister's children are her first priority, not bending over backwards for the bride.

Having said that, I really do think that there is room for more compromise here. As other PPs have already stated, getting a babysitter to stay with the kids during the reception, paid for by the bride and groom, should eliminate the ddrama.

FWIW, I have to agree with AndyB. What is it with brides? All too often, they think that everyone else's life has to adjust or stop just because they are getting married. They are like 2 year olds having temper tantrums. "It's my wedding and if you don't do what I want, I'm throwing a hissy fit." Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a very selfish way of thinking.



This day is about the bride. If she doesn't want any children attending it is her decision. I would find it hard to believe that her sister would not attend her sisters wedding because her children weren't invited. I am sure her sister could find somebody to babysit if she really wanted to be there for her sister. It is amazing how many people will not attend an event because their children are not invited.

 

[wall*e2008]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

We had kids at our wedding and most of the wedding I have attended. The kids were a hit and the parents rarely had to parent, since all the other adults were busy dancing etc. with the kids.

I knew who the brats were before the invites went out and took that into consideration.

I am glad to say that even the know brats were well behaved when other adults stepped in before it got out of hand.

 

[TheZue]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

It depends on the age. Excluding kids under five I totally get and agree with, I won't even bring mine. From five to ten it's really going depend on the child. But an 11 year old girl? I can't imagine excluding her if it was a close family member. Then you have posters talking about a 19 year not being allowed to go and it's getting silly.

Personally in this case I would think that the seven year old and 11 year old should be fine to sit through a dinner. They might even want to have a couple dances. I just can't imagine being 11 and being told that I couldn't go...it's crazy she's almost a teen. It's not like she's going to have a tantrum during the ceremony or an outburst at dinner. She will remember being told she wasn't worthy to be at such an important family event because of age. And I'm sure if she goes her younger sister would want to go too. The two year old won't care or remember.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

I don't think it is terrible not to invite kids to a wedding. I do think it is terrible not to invite your nieces and nephews. Yes, I do keep my children well behaved and supervised. DH and I will not let them disturb others. That goes for any event though. Not just weddings.
We did have a child free wedding simply because we were the first ones married and there were no nieces and nephews. Otherwise they would have been there. My kids were at my sister's wedding. No disruptions at all.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would never allow my kids to stay with any sitter that I did not personally know.
I do agree though that I think it is very selfish to think that the whole world should stop because of someone's wedding.

I don't think she's expecting the world to stop, I think she wants a nice, adult wedding (which most are around here). Heck, I left my kids with a total stranger at my sister's destination wedding, and she didn't even speak english! A 2 year old can not be expected to behave at a formal event.

 

[Rora]

My nephew did an adults only wedding. It worked out perfectly and everyone was happy. How? They hired out a room at the wedding site and the reception site complete with professional sitters. Those sitters were amazing because they had tons of activities planned. For the older kids who wanted to see the wedding, they even arranged for them to see it on a tv. It worked out perfectly, the kids were able to come with the parents, and the kids were entertained away from the occasion.

This is the best advice I can give you..

Good luck!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Her sister does understand, but the bride doesn't understand that her decision to not have children attend means her sister will be unable to attend. At this point in her life, the sister's children are her first priority, not bending over backwards for the bride.

Having said that, I really do think that there is room for more compromise here. As other PPs have already stated, getting a babysitter to stay with the kids during the reception, paid for by the bride and groom, should eliminate the ddrama.

FWIW, I have to agree with AndyB. What is it with brides? All too often, they think that everyone else's life has to adjust or stop just because they are getting married. They are like 2 year olds having temper tantrums. "It's my wedding and if you don't do what I want, I'm throwing a hissy fit." Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a very selfish way of thinking.



This day is about the bride. If she doesn't want any children attending it is her decision. I would find it hard to believe that her sister would not attend her sisters wedding because her children weren't invited. I am sure her sister could find somebody to babysit if she really wanted to be there for her sister. It is amazing how many people will not attend an event because their children are not invited.

Sorry but the day is not about only the bride. It is the joining of two families. Not Bride on Parade day. I have to be honest that I wouldn't even look for a babysitter if it was my sister. I would not go. If it was a friend or other relative then no problem, but my sibling no way. Sorry but I would be very hurt and insulted.

 

[Kathi OD]

This day is about the bride. If she doesn't want any children attending it is her decision. I would find it hard to believe that her sister would not attend her sisters wedding because her children weren't invited. I am sure her sister could find somebody to babysit if she really wanted to be there for her sister. It is amazing how many people will not attend an event because their children are not invited.

Normally, I would agree with you. EXCEPT, that the sister doesn't live close by AND OP has stated that sister is financially strapped. If sister came and left the kids at home with a sitter, she would have to pay the sitter for at least 10 hours! Would you expect someone, especially your sister, to pay somwhere in the neighborhood of $100, plus the other expenses of a wedding guest, KNOWING that she could not afford it? I'm sorry, but IMO that kind of expectation is nothing less than selfish and quite "unsisterly."

And the day is not only about the bride. It's about family and friends celebrating with you as you start your new life together with your husband. If it were only about the bride, there would be NO guests at all.

 

[diznygirl]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

You'd be surprised, but there are well-behaved children and smart parents out there! And I think more weddings and receptions have been disrupted by alcohol than by children - heaven forbid you not have drinking tho!!


If you are going to forbid children, then expect the parents to stay home as well. Your choice = their choice. Everyone has to live with it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't think she's expecting the world to stop, I think she wants a nice, adult wedding (which most are around here). Heck, I left my kids with a total stranger at my sister's destination wedding, and she didn't even speak english! A 2 year old can not be expected to behave at a formal event.

Most weddings are adult only here too (LI) with the exception of nieces and nephews. I can also say that our 2 year old behaved just fine for my sister's wedding. Each child is different. I am not flaming but there is no way on earth I would leave my kids with a stranger. To each their own.

 

[NMAmy]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

I haven't been to a wedding yet where I've seen kids act up. Babies might fuss but the parent or grandparent has removed them.

Our family weddings aren't sedate affairs--music, talking, dancing. A child talking loudly doesn't even register. Anyone acting up gets the evil eye from my mother (who is usually their grandmother, great-grandmother, or auntie) and that puts an end to that.

When DH and I got married, only family was invited. My great-niece was 2 weeks old and didn't make a peep. If she had, we'd have waited until she settled down and then continued. My wedding wouldn't have felt right to me unless ALL my family was there. And I really hate all that "It's my day" and "It's all about the bride" stuff. It's really all about family coming together to celebrate a marriage. And isn't the groom involved in the marriage, as well?

I know a lot of people have fancier, more sedate weddings and, as I said before, it's fine not to invite kids. But, IMO, the OP has handled the whole situation badly and only has herself to blame for the situation. It appears as though she's trying to make this her sister's fault and that bothers me.

 

[mvazul]

This day is about the bride. If she doesn't want any children attending it is her decision. I would find it hard to believe that her sister would not attend her sisters wedding because her children weren't invited. I am sure her sister could find somebody to babysit if she really wanted to be there for her sister. It is amazing how many people will not attend an event because their children are not invited.

If my sister was getting married and did not want kids there and was upfront about it, that is fine. It is her day. I would find someone to watch my kids and I would be at my sister's wedding. Now, if my sister acted the way the OP did - lying to me, getting our mother involved, allowing my kids to get excited about her wedding and not say one word - then, no, I would not be going to her wedding. If she doesn't respect me enough to be upfront, then I don't need to be expected to be at her wedding.

Michelle

 

[IntercomGroupPage]

I have a question for all those folks that think it's terrible to exclude children from the wedding...do you keep your child under good control at all times during a wedding/reception?
Because I know I'd be much more eager to invite children except that children have disrupted EVERY wedding I've been to in the last two years. Now they are going to be upset we aren't inviting their kids to de's wedding.
If these parents would remove their child immediately if it's crying during the ceremony or make them stop running around the reception (knocking stuff and people) then I'd be glad to have every kid there.

I don't think it's terrible to exclude children from ALL weddings. My son is 2 and I'd never bring him to anything like that, even if he WAS invited. However, if it was by BROTHER'S wedding, and my son was OLDER, yes, I would expect him to be able to go. In a situation that it wasn't family, I would have someone like my mom or FIL watch him (because they would most likely not be invited). If he was older, and it was a FRIEND'S wedding, no, I would not expect to have an invite for him. But it would be much easier to tell him that it was a party for grown-ups when he would only know me and DH.

 

[manning]

If my sister was getting married and did not want kids there and was upfront about it, that is fine. It is her day. I would find someone to watch my kids and I would be at my sister's wedding. Now, if my sister acted the way the OP did - lying to me, getting our mother involved, allowing my kids to get excited about her wedding and not say one word - then, no, I would not be going to her wedding. If she doesn't respect me enough to be upfront, then I don't need to be expected to be at her wedding.

Michelle

Amen!!

 

[daisax]

Later, when the kids are older, they will remember how they were not invited to Aunt _____'s wedding.

Only if the grownups around them harp on it as a horrible indignity, instead of one of a million other things they're too young to do yet. There were weddings I was not invited to at that age --- I accepted the explanation that they were grown up things, and when I was older I would be invited to similar events.

In our corner of the world, most weddings, particularly evening weddings, are for adults.

I do agree the OP blew it, and my advice would be to go straight to your sister (in person) and apologize that your nerves caused you to delay telling her. Offer to pay for a babysitter if that will help her attend. That doesn't mean she has to leave her kids with a stranger, but there used to be a quaint old custom called FRIENDSHIP and people would watch each other's children as a favor, or loan a teen to do a friend a favor for money (in this case, travel out of town, stay in a hotel room, read a bedtime story and come home with some money). A friend of mine went to the Caribbean and other exotic places that way as a teen. Being a teenager is boring -- a drive, a night at a holiday inn, a slice of wedding cake and breakfast in a restaurant would have been incentive enough for me!

If the sister really wants to make this happen, she has a year to find perfectly acceptable (to her) child care. A little humility from the OP might help. And I would involve the children in the meantime in some wedding activity or other (at least invite them to the shower, and maybe let them help your hosts decorate for it?) You could also explain that while they can't be there, you'd love to carry something with you from them (something you can tuck in the garter or bouquet or something) and be sure to show yourself in wedding photos holding it (not necessarily in the garter!)

 

[MeetMrsMasters]

they will be involved, they can go to the ceremony just not the reception. My brother is getting married in May, they have his reception to look forward to.