My sister's wedding issues

[horseshowmom]

You've got my sympathy. We're in the middle of getting ready for a wedding, and it can get pretty stressful with all the details.

My daughter does NOT want children at the wedding, but her fiance was afraid his friends would be insulted if the children weren't invited (DFi was in all of the 3 fathers' weddings), so DD will include them on the invitation out of consideration for his wishes. We are currently exploring the possibility of hiring someone to "entertain" the children (small children) during the ceremony.

I do think you should have been upfront with your sister from the beginning. Now she and her children are hurt by what they see as an exclusion from a family event.

If I were you, I would include them (to prevent hard feelings that can last a lot longer than the wedding will). If the reception is going to be long (which it sounds like it will), I'd make arrangements for them with appropriate supervision. They could come to the reception for a little while and then go elsewhere (because they will definitely get bored with it before long).

 

[jen0610]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

Went back and reread the original post. These jumped out at me on a 2nd reading.

Here is why:

Trendy - Trends come and go. Family doesn't. What is hip to this year, will be replaced by something else next year. Your sisters and her kids memories of this happy time, will not come and go, there will be with them for a very LONG TIME. Plain and simple, you don't want a portion of your sisters family there. The coulda, woulda, shoulda moment just might be the one(s) you really didn't want to miss at your big day. And some times, those moments come curtisy of the kids.

Not paying attention to the party - Why is there a need to pay attention to the party. Your there their there, this is going on in one corner, when that is going on in another corner. Aunt Bea and Uncle Jo are stuffing themselves with cake, while your BFF is hitting on your DH's hot single co-worker who came solo. Where is any one "paying attention" to the party. Or did you really mean, that she, your sister, wouldn't be able to put her full attention to you.

She's not pleased and your stressed - And you don't think that your sister isn't stressed, and more than likely feels betrayed, over why her sister doesn't feel the need to tell her EARLY on that her kids aren't going to be welcomed at her wedding. You feel stress now, just wait til this has festered to wherer you have to try and repair a relationship with your sister.

Any stress you feel, was brought on by no one but yourself. And now you have added another level of stress by putting a wall between yourself and your sister. Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if it was you with the kids looking forward to aunties wedding, and all of a sudden your sister was saying your welcome, but the kids weren't.

 

[AmyinKY]

Something similar is happening in our family in May.

My younger sister is getting married, and is not including any family members except one niece in the wedding. My mom has 4 daughters and we all live in different states. The cousins are 23, 19, 16, 15, 14, 13, 9, and 5. (The 23yo is in the wedding.) The mother in law to be is paying for the rehersal dinner and is set on a specific number, not really caring who is invited, just wants to keep it below x number of guests. That is understandable. All of the cousins are invited to the rehersal, just not the dinner. So, the thought was to send everyone except the one in the wedding to a hotel room, order pizza, etc.

I am so hurt by this decision. I don't want the kids left alone 45 min. from the adults and be alone for up to four hours. The 19 yo does not want to be "in charge" of the younger ones, and I can't blame him. So that will leave the 16yo in charge of the younger ones, in a different city, no car available to her if something happens at the hotel. I think this is a safety issue as well. I could what if the situation to death, fire in the hotel, stalker, youngest running away, etc. My sister the bride, my mom and the future mom in law are dismissing my concerns.

So, my husband and I are debating what to do. I know that this is an important weekend for my sister BUT, this will turn into an ugly memory for years to come for all involved.

OP, tread carefully. You have your expectations of YOUR day. My advice is to think through this decision. You may regret them one day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So she should not have the wedding she wants just so her sister's kids can attend? Maybe her sister could come alone - I'm sure she'll know other people there. It's the OP's BIG day, and as for her sister, it's just another day.

No she should have been honest with her sister. I find what she did ignorant.

 

[mjkacmom]

She's not pleased and your stressed - And you don't think that your sister isn't stressed, and more than likely feels betrayed, over why her sister doesn't feel the need to tell her EARLY on that her kids aren't going to be welcomed at her wedding. You feel stress now, just wait til this has festered to wherer you have to try and repair a relationship with your sister.

Any stress you feel, was brought on by no one but yourself. And now you have added another level of stress by putting a wall between yourself and your sister. Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if it was you with the kids looking forward to aunties wedding, and all of a sudden your sister was saying your welcome, but the kids weren't.

Actually, why did her sister tell the kids they WERE invited? Obviously no one ever said they were invited. I have kids the OP's age, and they've dealt with more disappointment than finding out they weren't invited to a wedding, and were fine. Yes, the OP should've fessed up the first time her sister mentioned the kids, "sorry for the misunderstanding, but I'm planning an adult reception."

OP, you have plenty of time to find your sister a local sitter, and it would be a nice gesture to pay.

 

[mumom95]

The solution is easy. OP, if you want your sister there, then find and pay for a babysitter for her kids. Problem solved. If you don't want to do that, then don't be upset that your sister can't come.

I really don't see why this is stressing you out. I can understand why your sister is upset that you didn't tell her upfront about the kids policy, but it makes no sense that you are stressed.

 

[RadioNate]

Went back and reread the original post. These jumped out at me on a 2nd reading.

Here is why:

Trendy - Trends come and go. Family doesn't. What is hip to this year, will be replaced by something else next year. Your sisters and her kids memories of this happy time, will not come and go, there will be with them for a very LONG TIME. Plain and simple, you don't want a portion of your sisters family there. The coulda, woulda, shoulda moment just might be the one(s) you really didn't want to miss at your big day. And some times, those moments come curtisy of the kids.

Not paying attention to the party - Why is there a need to pay attention to the party. Your there their there, this is going on in one corner, when that is going on in another corner. Aunt Bea and Uncle Jo are stuffing themselves with cake, while your BFF is hitting on your DH's hot single co-worker who came solo. Where is any one "paying attention" to the party. Or did you really mean, that she, your sister, wouldn't be able to put her full attention to you.

She's not pleased and your stressed - And you don't think that your sister isn't stressed, and more than likely feels betrayed, over why her sister doesn't feel the need to tell her EARLY on that her kids aren't going to be welcomed at her wedding. You feel stress now, just wait til this has festered to wherer you have to try and repair a relationship with your sister.

Any stress you feel, was brought on by no one but yourself. And now you have added another level of stress by putting a wall between yourself and your sister. Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if it was you with the kids looking forward to aunties wedding, and all of a sudden your sister was saying your welcome, but the kids weren't.

The "not paying attention to the party" part really bothered me too and I didn't address it. But yeah, what is up with that? You are either at the party or you or not. I too think the OP means that she doesn't want the children taking away focus from HER. Which unfortunately, makes her sound like a brat.

 

[Missy1961]

That's just the trade off for your decision. It's fine to not want kids at your wedding. But, along with that decision, you have to accept that some people you love may not be able to attend.

Frankly, I think keeping it a secret from her was a horrible idea. She should have been told from the beginning--then she could have tried to make an alternate plan. I don't blame her for not wanting to mess with trying to find a sitter for the kids at a faraway location. When were you going to tell her?

I agree. Your wedding, your choice. But you never should have kept it a secret from her.

 

[smschex]

I agree with a lot of the PPs--you have really stepped on your sisters toes and it is going to take some deliberate action to repair the damage your delaying the confrontation did.

If you don't want kids at your wedding that is certainly your right. Although I don't agree with it, I will defend your right to have the wedding of your dreams. But your sister lives in a different reality than your hip, trendy one. You have put her in a no win situation. I'm sure she doesn't want to miss your celebration and will feel guilty if she does, but she would feel even more guilty leaving her kids behind using childcare she apparently afford. Her kids will have to come first. The kids are going to be very disappointed not to be included. My 12 year old would really have her feelings hurt to be excluded from a family wedding and I suspect your sister's 11 year old will feel the same. That is another bridge you will have to rebuild.

Friends will come and go, but your family will always be there. This may be one of those moments when you get to decide just how close you want them to be in the years to come.

 

[onelilspark]

Ok. I might get flamed for this, but I think the OP knows that it wasn't the best thing to keep it from her sister that it was adults only. Maybe everyone should get off her back about it.

Planning a wedding can be stressful enough and I'm sure that no one who has posted on this thread who has gotten married can say that they made the best decision 100% of the time during that planning stage. Hind sight is 20/20.

Not to mention that "adults only" could have been decided after the sister had already told her kids and the OP could have been nervous about disappointing them.

I think jumping down the OP's throat because she made a bad decision isn't helpful. What is helpful is giving advice on what she can do now. I said it in my last post and others have mentioned it. I think the best solution is to hire a sitter(s) for any guests who have kids, even if it is just the sister. And as someone else mentioned, probably best to have a heart to heart with her.

 

[lovesmurfs]

The "not paying attention to the party" part really bothered me too and I didn't address it. But yeah, what is up with that? You are either at the party or you or not. I too think the OP means that she doesn't want the children taking away focus from HER. Which unfortunately, makes her sound like a brat.

I think the OP probably just worded this wrongly w/o thinking. I had to chase my DD(then 2) around for my brother's wedding. She loved the dance floor and stole whatever balloons she could find. 7 years later the pictures are cute, but at the time, it was a PIA to follow her everywhere -- I really didn't enjoy the reception because I was so busy chasing after her.

OP, if you think you're stressed now, wait until you start having kids and you have to tell your inlaws you're not visiting for the holidays! Learn to speak up now instead of using passive aggressiveness and intermediaries.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok. I might get flamed for this, but I think the OP knows that it wasn't the best thing to keep it from her sister that it was adults only. Maybe everyone should get off her back about it.

Planning a wedding can be stressful enough and I'm sure that no one who has posted on this thread who has gotten married can say that they made the best decision 100% of the time during that planning stage. Hind sight is 20/20.

Not to mention that "adults only" could have been decided after the sister had already told her kids and the OP could have been nervous about disappointing them.

I think jumping down the OP's throat because she made a bad decision isn't helpful. What is helpful is giving advice on what she can do now. I said it in my last post and others have mentioned it. I think the best solution is to hire a sitter(s) for any guests who have kids, even if it is just the sister. And as someone else mentioned, probably best to have a heart to heart with her.

Good points.

And yes she should sit down and talk with her sister and see what she can plan out if she wants the sister at the wedding.

 

[My2Cinderellas]

what strikes me in the OP is how the bride wants her mom and others to lie to her sister about the no kids thing.

It's time for the bride to grow up and deal with the situation she caused, not leave it to others to fudge and cover for her.

Kids or no kids allowed, bride and groom's choice. But yeah, there will be some who are thrilled for a night out sans kids, and others who will not be able to attend due to childcare issues.

IMO, after spending $$$ on a hip/trendy reception (whatever...) it's time to spend another $100 and arrange child care so your sister can attend.

 

[okeydokey]

The kids will be 11 and 7 at the time of the wedding. She also has a 2 year old. They do not have a lot of money so they do not have regular sitters. They only go out when grandparents come to see the girls. The location is two and a half hours from her house, so I guess it is pretty far away. I just do not have any other kids in the family except for her three so if I hired a sitter it would just be for those three.

There are professional sitting services all over the country. I would hire one for your nieces and nephews.

 

[DawnMarie]

How old are you? It seems a very immature of you to lie to your sister and to involve your mom in it as well. Perhaps had you been honest with her she would not be so upset with you. She now has to tell her children that they have not been invited after all, which will be a bit unpleasant since they are so excited. While the kids were not officially invited her sister's silence as she assisted with planning with wedding probably led her to believe it was okay for the kids to be there.

Having said that offer to hire a sitter for the kiddies. Just don't be upset if your sister doesn't come. At least she is being upfront about her attendance.

On a personal note I could not not invite my nieces or nephews especially if they are old enough to get excited about the wedding. To me weddings are about celebrating your vow to one another with friends and family not a trendy party.

 

[Boo'sMom]

First off, I agree with you wanting your wedding to be an adults only thing. My wedding was adults only, and as the bride/groom it is YOUR decision about the kids or no kids thing.

HOWEVER, what were you thinking keeping the 'adults only' idea a secret from your sister? It probably would have been easier to tell her from the get-go rather than keeping it a secret. By not telling her, it gave lots of time for her and the kids to get all psyched up about the kids being there, which unfortunately is harder to undo later than if you nip it in the bud right away.

I think that the best thing for you to do would be to help your sister find a babysitter at the location of the wedding. Maybe you know a teen in the local area of the wedding who you can enlist to watch the kids? You might even want to pay the babysitter to appease your sister.

I agree.

Why in the world were you not upfront with your sister from the very beginning??? I would understand if my sister wanted an adult's only wedding/reception (even though I am pretty sure mine would not do that). However, I would be highly pissed if she kept it a secret from me and let my kids get all excited about it.

Personally, I thik it's pretty childish to not be upfront with your sister, because you "knew she would be upset". I bet she's more upset now.

Michelle

seems like the babysitter might be needed for the bride, not just the children...why in the world would you not tell your sister up front??

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I like the suggestions of finding a sitter for your sister, especially since she cannot afford it. Can you maybe book her family a hotel room nearby?

I allowed kids at my wedding, but my niece and nephew were almost 3 at the time so after dinner they were done with it all. I booked a room for my sister's family and when the kids were done with dinner, my brother-in-law took them back to the hotel while my sister got to stay and spend the rest of the night celebrating with me.

 

[MeetMrsMasters]

I am a graduate student and I just got bogged down with school to tell her. What I meant about the party is that I want people to be able to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about watching kids. There have been lots of weddings in the family lately and kids have always been invited and people had to be parents and not have as much fun.

 

[wvjules]

I understand the "no kids" approach but you said that they were the ONLY kids in the family. I can see excluding friends/co-workers' children but not the ONLY children in your family.

 

[Camicar]

As a former bridal consultant, I have to say that I am generally a big fan of child-free weddings for the most part. One big reason is that the vast majority of kids do not like weddings so whenever some parent cries that their special snowflake is devastated at being excluded, it gets the big eyeroll from me.

Nonetheless, it does behoove any party host to tell their potential guests of any restrictions or situations that affect travel, etc. well in advance -- it's just polite to do so. And asking others to keep your secret is simply wrong.

Now, that said, I do understand why some hosts delay telling potential guests of certain restrictions --because early notification of restrictions merely gives certain special snowflakes even more time to make your life a living heck to try and coerce you into surrendering to their very special snowflake needs. So in those situations, you either have to be prepared to be strong and stalwart or be prepared to surrender -- those are the only two options.

In this situation, given that the guest in question is the bride's sister, I think the bride should pay for the babysitting. If she is not able or willing to do so, then she needs to suck it up about the sister not being there and be prepared to hear about it forever. If the sister refuses to put the kids into babysitting, that is then the sister's problem, not the bride's. I would also add that it is also the sister's problem that she told her kids about the wedding and a good life lesson to never assume one's invitation is forthcoming until it's in your hands.