My sister's wedding issues

[onelilspark]

Okat, so this might be the reason why people tell me I'm insensitive, BUT...

If I were getting married and my brother had kids, his kids would not be invited to the wedding. I probably wouldn't have hid it from him, but at the same time, I understand that you have a lot of stress going on and to add to it by dealing with your sister, well, hiding it can solve it. So...now she's upset, whatever. She needs to deal. It's your wedding, it's your day. If you decide no kids, you decide no kids. If it's important to you to have her there, I would make arrangements for a sitter(s) that all guests with children can use. If she has a problem leaving her kids with someone that she doesn't know, then she has the option to respectfully decline the invitation. And then you say, "we'll miss you." End of story. To me, it's not worth stressing over.

 

[SydneyBristow]

I think you should've been honest from the start. Tell her the truth ASAP and then accept whatever she decides.

 

[brockash]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

Good luck, and I kinda understand where your sister's coming from. First, her kids already know about the wedding and are excited to be there... I think it's going to crush them to know they can't come and aren't wanted. I also can totally see where she probably can't come to the reception if her kids aren't going to be allowed there. Does she usually have babysitters- does she even know anyone that would babysit that long?? I don't know, to each their own, but I think it's very hard to have an adult only wedding and still invite those (especially family) that already have kids. If anything, really you should have been upfront with her, so she didn't tell her kids about it and feel like they were obviously invited. Good luck to you!

 

[Pigeon]

You have every right to have the kind of wedding you want. If that means no kids, that's your choice. If upscale, hip, and trendy are more important to you than having all your nieces and nephews be with you when you get married, that's perfectly OK.

However, you also need to realize that there may be repercussions to that choice. The invitation to your wedding is just that--an invitation. It is not a command performance. It is your sister's choice to do what is best for her family. If that means skipping the event, that's perfectly OK too. I would most certainly skip my sister's wedding if my kids weren't invited. I'd send a gift, wish her well and hope she enjoys her trendy party.

I never understand why people on both sides of this issue get their panties in a wad.

Lying to your sister and trying keep things secret are not perfectly OK. It is deceitful.

 

[disykat]

I don't get the problem - it looks like it's already been solved. Your sister is coming to the wedding. She can't make it to the reception because kids aren't allowed. It seems like a compromise has been reached. I don't get where she can't be pleased?

I'm sorry if I sound mean, and I know it's your wedding, but it sounds like your sister has made a decision based on what works for her family and you are the one who is not pleased?

 

[MeetMrsMasters]

The kids will be 11 and 7 at the time of the wedding. She also has a 2 year old. They do not have a lot of money so they do not have regular sitters. They only go out when grandparents come to see the girls. The location is two and a half hours from her house, so I guess it is pretty far away. I just do not have any other kids in the family except for her three so if I hired a sitter it would just be for those three.

 

[Master Mason]

If I were the sister, I would be po'd because I wasn't told up front, now she has to disappoint her kids, because you didn't tell the truth.

As for attending, I had a policy, if you told me my kids were not welcome, then I declined to attend. I left my kids at home when I felt it was proper, not someone else.

It's your party, you can do what you want, but you blew it big time with your sister.

 

[brockash]

My nephew did an adults only wedding. It worked out perfectly and everyone was happy. How? They hired out a room at the wedding site and the reception site complete with professional sitters. Those sitters were amazing because they had tons of activities planned. For the older kids who wanted to see the wedding, they even arranged for them to see it on a tv. It worked out perfectly, the kids were able to come with the parents, and the kids were entertained away from the occasion.

That's a great idea...OP is there a way you could arrange this?

 

[jen0610]

I will say my Favorite picture from my Wedding is holding my 6 week old nephew at my reception, Saturday is my 16th anniversary.

One of my favorite pictures from our Wedding back in 91 is of DH dancing with his 7 year old neice/god daughter/jr bridesmaid. He is holding her up and the picture is taken from the back and to his side, she is looking over his shoulder.

Forward to her wedding Oct 2007. I am happily snapping pictures of people dancing. To my utter delight, I have almost the exact same pose of the two of them dancing. She has both pictures displayed side-by-side in their wedding photos and a copy of the 07 picture is tucked into our wedding album.

We never would have dreamed of telling our friends, let alone our families, sorry we want the adults, but the kiddos need to be left at home. We hired a couple of baby sitters from the church congrecation to sit with the 5 and under kids in the church nursery during the service, but all were welcome at the receiption. The kids had a blast out there dancing with us.

 

[brockash]

The kids will be 11 and 7 at the time of the wedding. She also has a 2 year old. They do not have a lot of money so they do not have regular sitters. They only go out when grandparents come to see the girls. The location is two and a half hours from her house, so I guess it is pretty far away. I just do not have any other kids in the family except for her three so if I hired a sitter it would just be for those three.

Okay, so if this is the case you know this, then I guess I'm confused as to what you expect her to do???? I'm assuming the grandparents are attending the wedding, and if you know she doesn't have money for a babysitter what did you expect her to do? If you have another solution, that's great, I just don't see one.

 

[ireland_nicole]

So, you planned from the beginning to only exclude your sisters children, knowing that her options to still attend would be extremely limited to say the least, and you disappointed her children, and you think she's the problem?

Like PP's said, your wedding, your day... but you might want to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if this girl is who you really want to be. Do you really want to exclude your family from your wedding? Because this issue will not end on the day, it will follow your family. This could have been avoided if you had just been honest from the beginning.

The way I see it, the options are that 1. Your sister does not attend. 2. Your sister attends the ceremony only with her children. 3. You provide someone to watch the children during your reception (since you know your sister can't afford to).

We had an adults only wedding (except for one newborn, mom was nursing.) But we told everyone as soon as we started planning, and were clear in the invitations, too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay, so if this is the case you know this, then I guess I'm confused as to what you expect her to do???? I'm assuming the grandparents are attending the wedding, and if you know she doesn't have money for a babysitter what did you expect her to do? If you have another solution, that's great, I just don't see one.

Agree.

OP I am guessing you and your sister are not close and you have found a way to keep her away from your wedding.

That is the way it appears from what you have written.

You know she cannot afford a babysitter, so you know going to your wedding is a big deal.
On top of that you don't tell her that your wedding is going to be adults only so she tells her kids about it and they get excited.
NOW she has to tell her kids that the aunt they love and thought they were close to does not want them there.

You could have avoided that problem by telling her upfront.

You are making many mistakes here. I would have a heart to heart talk with her.

 

[mjkacmom]

The kids will be 11 and 7 at the time of the wedding. She also has a 2 year old. They do not have a lot of money so they do not have regular sitters. They only go out when grandparents come to see the girls. The location is two and a half hours from her house, so I guess it is pretty far away. I just do not have any other kids in the family except for her three so if I hired a sitter it would just be for those three.

So get a sitter for her 3 children. I'm sure the 11 and 7 year olds have friends who they could stay with, but not a 2 year old. However, maybe they have friends who could watch them? I know that if I needed a friend to watch my kids so that I could attend my sister's wedding, I'd have no problem finding someone.

 

[mvazul]

Agree.

OP I am guessing you and your sister are not close and you have found a way to keep her away from your wedding.

That is the way it appears from what you have written.

You know she cannot afford a babysitter, so you know going to your wedding is a big deal.
On top of that you don't tell her that your wedding is going to be adults only so she tells her kids about it and they get excited.
NOW she has to tell her kids that the aunt they love and thought they were close to does not want them there.

You could have avoided that problem by telling her upfront.

You are making many mistakes here. I would have a heart to heart talk with her.

I completely agree with you.

My kids are 14 and 7. My sister is not married. She is extremely close to my kids (is my son's Godmother). I know for a fact that if she did not want my kids at her wedding, I would have some very upset kids on my hands.

I also agree that this will not go away after your wedding day. You have hurt your sister and she will likely be upset for quite some time. I know my sister and I would have a huge wall put in place if she was ever that deceitful to me. And that is exactly what you have been to her - deceitful.

The title of your post really irritates me every time I see it. It's you that has issues - not her. You have some serious apologizing to do. And I think YOU should be the one to break the news to her kids - in person. Explain exactly why you don't want them there. Do not put this on their mother to be the bad guy. And do not take the cheap, easy way out and blame it on the site. You are the reason they won't be there - no one else. And that is perfectly within your right, but now you need to explain it.

Michelle

 

[RadioNate]

There are a few issues here.

First, I do agree with your "no children" stance. I didn't want children at my wedding either. I 'get' that.

BUT you were not upfront with your sister. The second you decided no kids she should have been notified because she is the only one effected. What has happened now is that your sister and her children have spent the time since your engagement planning their participation in your wedding. The kids love you and are excited. It is very hard to undo that. You've now placed that burden on your sister. SHE has to be the one to hurt her children because you don't want them there.

Had you told her upfront, no children, this wouldn't be happening.

Now there is the problem of your sister attending the wedding. The fact is she needs to do what is best for HER family. Frankly her children ARE more important than your wedding. Even if they had a regular sitter, it isn't fair to them or the sitter to expect 8-10 hours of services. They are 2-3 hours away from the wedding. That is an all day trip. Are there rehearsals the night before they'd be required to attend?

Listen, I'm a HUGE fan of sitters. I LOVE babysitters and use them frequently. But I'm not leaving my kids all day with one. I'm not getting home at 1-2-3 am with a sitter. Even me, who is totally "liberal" with the use of sitters, am not leaving my kids over night UNLESS it is with my SIL, my mother or my MIL.

So the fact is, if you want no kids. You have to accept that people with kids may not come. And you can't be offended by that. It is a two-way street. If you want them to respect your decision, you have to respect theirs.

 

[lovesmurfs]

It's next year. You have lots of time to solve this challenge without drama. IMO, it's important to have your nieces/nephews at the ceremony at least, if nothing but to have them in pictures, but it's your wedding.

First, decide if you want your sister there. If so, how does that happen? 2.5 hours one way is a really, really long time for a sitter on her end (over $100 in sitting I would imagine). So I'd recommend getting feelers out now for a sitter for the reception on your end.

Maybe the church you're getting married in has a youth group member who would be willing to sit for $$. Local colleges/universities have sitting lists -- call or email them. Get it set up as soon as you can, and confirm and reconfirm at given intervals.

And personally, I'd pay out of pocket for the sitter to ensure that my sister was able to come and have a great time. It sounds like you're planning to have a great reception, and your sister and BIL could probably use some adult time.

 

[mjkacmom]

Agree.

OP I am guessing you and your sister are not close and you have found a way to keep her away from your wedding.

That is the way it appears from what you have written.

You know she cannot afford a babysitter, so you know going to your wedding is a big deal.
On top of that you don't tell her that your wedding is going to be adults only so she tells her kids about it and they get excited.
NOW she has to tell her kids that the aunt they love and thought they were close to does not want them there.

You could have avoided that problem by telling her upfront.

You are making many mistakes here. I would have a heart to heart talk with her.

My sister got married at Beaches, my kids (2 and 4) were in the wedding, and were not invited to the reception - I had no problems with this. I think the OP's only fault was not telling her right away, but the wedding she wants is not appropriate for children. I see nothing in the OP's post that indicates that she doesn't want her sister there.

 

[wall*e2008]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

You handled this so wrong. You withheld information from your sister that he kids were not invited, then you lied that they were not allowed and finally said they could view the ceremony and not come to the reception that is hours from her home and YOU ARE STRESSED?

If I was your sister I would not attend period. You setup the rules and now you live with the consequences.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My sister got married at Beaches, my kids (2 and 4) were in the wedding, and were not invited to the reception - I had no problems with this. I think the OP's only fault was not telling her right away, but the wedding she wants is not appropriate for children. I see nothing in the OP's post that indicates that she doesn't want her sister there.

I do.

She knows that her sister cannot afford this and was deceitful. I don't think that is a very inviting thing to do to a family member.

 

[mjkacmom]

I do.

She knows that her sister cannot afford this and was deceitful. I don't think that is a very inviting thing to do to a family member.

So she should not have the wedding she wants just so her sister's kids can attend? Maybe her sister could come alone - I'm sure she'll know other people there. It's the OP's BIG day, and as for her sister, it's just another day.