My sister's wedding issues

[suzannen]

OP, I don't have any detailed info on the venue for your wedding, but this is what we did for ours.

I had a small wedding with only 65 guests so the only small children involved were my three nephews ranging in ages 9 months to 3 years. They got dressed up in cute little outfits and did attend the wedding ceremony. Then I hired (and paid for) two sitters from the hotel across the street where my brother and brother-in-law were staying for the formal sit-down dinner. Following the main course, my brother and my brother-in-law went to the hotel and picked them up and brought them to join us for the cutting of the wedding cake and for the rest of the event.

This worked out well - the kids felt a part of it and loved eating cake, but were also able to take a break and nap. The parents were able to enjoy the occasion both with and without the kids and no one worried or stressed. Can you come up with a compromise like that?

 

[wall*e2008]

Planning a wedding can be stressful enough and I'm sure that no one who has posted on this thread who has gotten married can say that they made the best decision 100% of the time during that planning stage. Hind sight is 20/20.

I planned my wedding and I was also in college. It was really easy to do because I planned for a day that others could be there to see DH and I get married. We had a great time and so did all the guests. We are still told how much fun our wedding was. Ours was not all about us but all about the ones we loved all being together for this happy day. And guess what we are still married after decades.

All the wedding where there was stress was the ones that the bride wanted to be the constant center of attention and made everybody else jump to her every want. The problem was this attitude did not end on the wedding night and cause trumoil in the young marriage.

 

[Missy1961]

I am a graduate student and I just got bogged down with school to tell her. What I meant about the party is that I want people to be able to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about watching kids. There have been lots of weddings in the family lately and kids have always been invited and people had to be parents and not have as much fun.

But every time she told you the kids were excited you never said "I'm sorry, but I want you & your husband to have fun at the party, so they're not invited." And you told your mom not to tell her either. Again, it's wedding, and you can invite or not invite who you want, but you really should have told her.

 

[mvazul]

There have been lots of weddings in the family lately and kids have always been invited and people had to be parents and not have as much fun.

I would also add that it is also the sister's problem that she told her kids about the wedding and a good life lesson to never assume one's invitation is forthcoming until it's in your hands.

I disagree strongly just based on the OP's bolded part above. Why would her sister think any different for this wedding???

Michelle

 

[Traveliz]

The kids will be 11 and 7 at the time of the wedding. She also has a 2 year old. They do not have a lot of money so they do not have regular sitters. They only go out when grandparents come to see the girls. The location is two and a half hours from her house, so I guess it is pretty far away. I just do not have any other kids in the family except for her three so if I hired a sitter it would just be for those three.

So just out of curiosity what did you think your sister would do when, oh say, she got the invitation and figured out kids weren't invited?

Liz

 

[NMAmy]

I am a graduate student and I just got bogged down with school to tell her. What I meant about the party is that I want people to be able to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about watching kids. There have been lots of weddings in the family lately and kids have always been invited and people had to be parents and not have as much fun.

It doesn't seem like your sister thinks she'll be enjoying the party without her kids there, though. It's okay to not want kids there. But you seem to be trying to change your story around.

Frankly, I had just as much fun if dd was there when she was young and I have just as much fun with my niece's little ones now. While it may not seem fun to take care of kids to you--a lot of people don't mind it and may even enjoy it.

I would also add that it is also the sister's problem that she told her kids about the wedding and a good life lesson to never assume one's invitation is forthcoming until it's in your hands.

I agree with most of your post but I think you're off on this section. When a close family member is getting married, I DO assume that I am invited along with my whole family. That's the way we do things in my family. If a bride wants to change from the way things are usually done, that's fine, but I'd expect them to let me know, especially if I were involved in the planning. So, with a friend or acquaintance, I wouldn't assume--with my sister or my niece, I would.

 

[Missy1961]

As a former bridal consultant, I have to say that I am generally a big fan of child-free weddings for the most part. One big reason is that the vast majority of kids do not like weddings so whenever some parent cries that their special snowflake is devastated at being excluded, it gets the big eyeroll from me.

Nonetheless, it does behoove any party host to tell their potential guests of any restrictions or situations that affect travel, etc. well in advance -- it's just polite to do so. And asking others to keep your secret is simply wrong.

Now, that said, I do understand why some hosts delay telling potential guests of certain restrictions --because early notification of restrictions merely gives certain special snowflakes even more time to make your life a living heck to try and coerce you into surrendering to their very special snowflake needs. So in those situations, you either have to be prepared to be strong and stalwart or be prepared to surrender -- those are the only two options.

In this situation, given that the guest in question is the bride's sister, I think the bride should pay for the babysitting. If she is not able or willing to do so, then she needs to suck it up about the sister not being there and be prepared to hear about it forever. If the sister refuses to put the kids into babysitting, that is then the sister's problem, not the bride's. I would also add that it is also the sister's problem that she told her kids about the wedding and a good life lesson to never assume one's invitation is forthcoming until it's in your hands.

Well, most of your points are correct, but I do know that my nieces & nephews would be devastated to not be invited to my wedding. And my sisters & brothers would assume I'd be inviting the kids. If it was a friend or a distant relative, they wouldn't assume it.

 

[Andy B]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

So you delayed telling her even though you knew her kids were getting excited. Then you tell your mum to lie to her and now you throw her a bone that they can come to the Ceremony but not to a reception and that this will be hours from her house so she can not make arrangements for them herself and you will not make arrangements. And so you can have a trendy wedding. Well enjoy.

 

[manning]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

It's your wedding, your plans so why don't YOU tell your sister. Why are you putting your mother in the middle of this?

 

[wall*e2008]

OP - Do you have any relationship with your sister's kids now? Do you want to have one with them in the future? How is your relationship with your sister normally?

You need to answer these questions to decide how to go forward with your plans.

 

[diznygirl]

That's just the trade off for your decision. It's fine to not want kids at your wedding. But, along with that decision, you have to accept that some people you love may not be able to attend.

Frankly, I think keeping it a secret from her was a horrible idea. She should have been told from the beginning--then she could have tried to make an alternate plan. I don't blame her for not wanting to mess with trying to find a sitter for the kids at a faraway location. When were you going to tell her?

You have every right to have the kind of wedding you want. If that means no kids, that's your choice. If upscale, hip, and trendy are more important to you than having all your nieces and nephews be with you when you get married, that's perfectly OK.

However, you also need to realize that there may be repercussions to that choice. The invitation to your wedding is just that--an invitation. It is not a command performance. It is your sister's choice to do what is best for her family. If that means skipping the event, that's perfectly OK too. I would most certainly skip my sister's wedding if my kids weren't invited. I'd send a gift, wish her well and hope she enjoys her trendy party.

I never understand why people on both sides of this issue get their panties in a wad.

Lying to your sister and trying keep things secret are not perfectly OK. It is deceitful.

I don't get the problem - it looks like it's already been solved. Your sister is coming to the wedding. She can't make it to the reception because kids aren't allowed. It seems like a compromise has been reached. I don't get where she can't be pleased?

I'm sorry if I sound mean, and I know it's your wedding, but it sounds like your sister has made a decision based on what works for her family and you are the one who is not pleased?

Just reiterating what these two posters said: you made your choice, now live with it.

I'm sorry, but I just don't have much patience for the Command-Performance type of weddings that have become so "trendy" lately.

And don't lie about the venue - man-up and tell your sister the truth!

 

[cinmell]

I am a graduate student and I just got bogged down with school to tell her.

You couldn't tell you sister the no kids policy because you were too busy with school work? You really couldn't spare any time to make a phone call?

 

[IntercomGroupPage]

I don't care what you have planned, I am sure your guests aren't going to walk away saying "I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!!!" It will be a wedding like any other wedding... mostly boring.

It's a wedding, not a movie premiere. You will not be featured in In Style magazine. OK will not be vying for the rights for your pictures.

Contrary to what you seem to believe, people actually LIKE spending time with their own kids. Myself included. Do I think he belongs at all events EVER and I foist him everywhere I go? No, of course not. But I would fully expect him to be invited to a FAMILY wedding. As did your sister.

 

[Heidict]

My wedding was also sans children with the exception of my SIL's kids and my step-sisters kids. They were family and I wanted to be able to enjoy my wedding with my family. However, there were no other children allowed. Like you, I wanted people to be able to enjoy the wedding and at the same time, I wanted to enjoy and "adult" party.

At this point, the deed is done. You withheld this information from your sister because you knew that she would be upset with you, even going as far as having other people lie on your behalf.

You can either hire her a babysitter so that she can be there to enjoy your wedding AND reception, she doesn't come or you allow her to bring her children to the reception.

This is something that very well could damage your relationship with your sister and her kids and in a very serious way. Don't think that she will get over this in a matter of months, it could very well, and may, rear it's ugly head years down the road. This is not something that she is going to forget. There was a lot of deceit and lying that took place and it really makes you look bad.

What is more important to you? A perfect party with no kids or your relationship with your family?

 

[Andy B]

This type of discussion always make me think that people (and to be honest it's normally brides) seem too obsessed about having such a perfect occasion that they miss what the meaning of the day is, to join in marriage to another person after that it's all window dressing.

I too would rather spend time with my Children than not.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

At my wedding, we only invited children who were relatives.
My sister got married last year, and my kids and my niece were the only children invited, they were also in the wedding party. I realize you don't want a lot of wild kids there, but I think you should have your sister's kids at your wedding. It would be nice if weddings were only about the bride and groom, but they're not. They are about the whole family, unless the two of you are getting married in Vegas or something.
Later, when the kids are older, they will remember how they were not invited to Aunt _____'s wedding. I know how excited my girls were about their aunt's wedding. Just let them come and keep peace in the family. Those kids will be more exicited for you and happy about the wedding than most of the guests.

Will it really make a difference if they are there? Will there be resentment between you and your sister?

 

[Disneydonnam]

I am getting married next year and I do not want kids present at the ceremony or reception. I just want a very trendy, adults only party and I do not want anyone to have to worry about taking care of kids and not paying attention to the party. I did not tell my sister my plans because she has three kids and I knew she would get upset. Her kids are really excited about the wedding and she keeps telling me how they cannot wait to see me get married. Since my mom is helping with the planning she knows i do not want kids there and she let it slip to my sister and my sister got mad. I told mom to tell her that the site will not allow kids to come, though that is not entirely true. Now my sister is saying her feelings are hurt. Finally I let in and said they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception. Now she says she is not sure she can make it to the reception since the wedding site is hours from her house. She cannot be pleased and it is making me stressed!!

This is your day and should be what you want. If you want a child free wedding go for it. Your sister should understand. There are certain times when children are just not invited.

 

[monorailsilver]

It is your wedding so you do what you feel is necessary.

But...

I know I wouldn't go to the wedding if my sister told me my kids couldn't go. She actually waited a year to get married just so my youngest would be walking (she got married in her early 40's).

I also wouldn't let some stranger watch my kids which includes any hiring agencys or friends of friends, church people, etc... There are way too many crazy people out there & I would not have any fun at all at the wedding & I'd be worried about my kids that whole night.

I hope your sister & her family have a great night at home doing what they do best as a family.

I didn't invite any kids at my wedding either, only family kids ranging from age 2 to 20 (?). They are family so they are automatially included. I didn't invite any friends kids to the wedding but that was expected. My FIL asked me if his friend could bring their young dd. I told him no only family children were allowed. They still came.

My dh & I were invited to a wedding when my 2nd child was about 6 weeks old. I had my dh ask his co-worker/the groom if we could bring him since I was nursing. No biggie if they said no, I wouldn't go. I was planning on leaving my oldest (then 2 ½) with my parents for the night. Initially they said yes but then he told his bride & she said no.

So I stayed home with my ds & dd that night while my dh went. He didn't stay for long, just long enough to eat & leave. I was going to go to the ceremony but I decided it was a long drive just to see them get hitched.

Also, just remember when you have kids you will change your whole perspective on things. Seriously you will. Your kids will be #1 in your life. So hopefully no one in your family decides to get married & not include your future kids.

 

[m&amom]

OP. many previous posters have spoke about how your actions may have a lasting affect on your relationships with your nieces and nephews and I agree. Although it is your day and you can do what you want you have handled it completly wrong. I would not be surprised if in 10 or so years you don't recieve an invitation to your nieces wedding were your children will probably not be invited. My brother and sister in law are getting married this summer on the beach and my daughter has already started packing. My two year old could care less so I would defiently get him a sitter if needed but my nine year old would be very hurt.

 

[Kathi OD]

This is your day and should be what you want. If you want a child free wedding go for it. Your sister should understand. There are certain times when children are just not invited.

Her sister does understand, but the bride doesn't understand that her decision to not have children attend means her sister will be unable to attend. At this point in her life, the sister's children are her first priority, not bending over backwards for the bride.

Having said that, I really do think that there is room for more compromise here. As other PPs have already stated, getting a babysitter to stay with the kids during the reception, paid for by the bride and groom, should eliminate the ddrama.

FWIW, I have to agree with AndyB. What is it with brides? All too often, they think that everyone else's life has to adjust or stop just because they are getting married. They are like 2 year olds having temper tantrums. "It's my wedding and if you don't do what I want, I'm throwing a hissy fit." Maybe it's just me, but I think it's a very selfish way of thinking.