MY SIL has seen her baby grandchild ...

[diz8297]

Well, my mil saw her first grandson only 3 times his first year. One week after birth, once when 2 months old, and then an appearance at his birthday party. She was "too busy". There were issues that have really surfaced since then, so perhaps there are underlying issues in this situation too. I would suggest that she gently keep trying to have a relationship, be nonjudgemental, and take the high road. As the person on the other side who tried to meet my MIL half way only to have her kick my family (including her son) in the face, I can always console myself with the fact that we tried.
Long story, bad end result. I hope her story ends differently.

 

[AntePrincess]

Maybe they're busy, but it could be that they simply never had that kind of a social relationship with your SIL and the presence of a baby hasn't improved it. I can empathize with that scenario. We live just about down the street from family who never call except when they want something and whom we never see in a "natural" social situation. Consequently, in three years, they haven't seen our child a dozen times. The family we have the next town over we see twice a week, but that was how it was before we had a child and having that child didn't change anything.

Are people hurt? Yes. Do I make an effort to make things more equal? Honestly, no. Different people have completely different relationships. It seems strange that such people expect the relationship they established with their child to change merely because I have a different relationship established with my folks. If this is the case for your SIL's family, would it help if she tried to put it in the light of her whole history with her child and saw that it hasn't really changed, she's simply aware that it could have been different? I don't think you can be snubbed while receiving exactly the same treatment you had always received (unless that was always out and out rude).

 

[Longsx3]

C. ANN,
I repsect your opinion, but I did not make an assumption I asked a question. I know when my DD (13) was baby it was very hard to have her around my Mother because she smoked.

Just a question really!

I understand that - but where on God's green earth did that "assumption" come from based on the very few sentences the OP typed? This is all she wrote:

Twice since he was born

In 4 months
The day he was born

Three weeks later she slept there 2 nights so Mommie could get some sleep when Daddy (her son) was out of town

She is a giving , wonderful woman-her other son visits often (every other week) with hisDD

Both sons are mature, good jobs, late 30's-live only 15 minutes apart


She is hurt

-----------------------------------------------



That's quite a leap in my book..

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What happened when she stayed the two nights? Maybe something transpired that upset the mother of the child that your SIL is unaware of. Did they invite your SIL or did she just "decide" she was going to stay and "help"? Maybe they are simply tired and don't feel like entertaining. Instead of waiting for them to suggest a different date to visit why doesn't she suggest one?
As for the smoking thing I too hate having anyone who smokes around my children. IMO it is gross, I don't want my kids smelling like it when that person holds them, and #1 it effects their health. So I think that was a very valid question.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How was the relationship before they had kids? Were they were getting together frequently for dinners, weekends, bbq's, etc?

Sounds like they are not close with mom to me.

 

[Liberty Belle]

This thread makes me glad I don't have family nearby. Visiting with grandparents four to six times a year is standard in my family.

Oh, I'd just hate that.

I was extremely close to my grandmother and saw her all the time. I hope when I have grandchildren (my oldest is only 16 so it had better be quite a few years from now) I see them often. I'd be really sad if I didn't.

 

[BelleWDW]

What happened when she stayed the two nights? Maybe something transpired that upset the mother of the child that your SIL is unaware of. Did they invite your SIL or did she just "decide" she was going to stay and "help"?
As for the smoking thing I too hate having anyone who smokes around my children. IMO it is gross, I don't want my kids smelling like it when that person holds them, and #1 it effects their health. So I think that was a very valid question.

No one smokes

Baby's Mommie called SIL and asked her to sleep at the house for 2 nights as she hadn't slept in 2 days and was tired-baby Daddy was out of town

SIL has called at differnet times and there's always a reason why they cant go over and visit
However, it hurts her because the OTHER grandparents (girls parents) are there often
This has been going on for some time, and I dont know all the family dynamics-it just saddens me to see her hurting.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Oh, I'd just hate that.

I was extremely close to my grandmother and saw her all the time. I hope when I have grandchildren (my oldest is only 16 so it had better be quite a few years from now) I see them often. I'd be really sad if I didn't.

Children are fine with what we know.

We don't see grandparents often. One set just came in today in fact.

It's just apart of our migratory culture and that families don't always live close in proximity.

I know you loved your grandmother and was very close--but there is an extreme difference between preventing a relationship and fostering a relationship based on the circumstances at hand.

I guess I have issues with grandparents who expect frequent visitation. It really is up to the children to decide.

My bil and sil have a possesive grandparent in their midst. It is freaky half the time.

But the mom was also extremely possessive of her daughter and this is simply an extension. They had to move across the country and her mother forbid her from having a grandbaby so far from home. That's just disturbing.

They did finally move back for a job transfer (just in time for baby) and while it is a blessing that they can be closer to family...it also has some curses associated with it.

My mother yaps at me all the time and in fact went on a tirade when we planned a trip out west to see MY grandparents. She was upset with the fact that we don't visit often anymore. That is of her own doing now that she lives in a location 7 hours from my home. And she NEVER comes and visits.


Just pointing out the other perspective.

I'm fine with having relationships. I have issues when folks begin to "demand" them.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No one smokes

Baby's Mommie called SIL and asked her to sleep at the house for 2 nights as she hadn't slept in 2 days and was tired-baby Daddy was out of town

SIL has called at differnet times and there's always a reason why they cant go over and visit
However, it hurts her because the OTHER grandparents (girls parents) are there often
This has been going on for some time, and I dont know all the family dynamics-it just saddens me to see her hurting.

That changes things a little.

Sounds like she needs to have a discussion with her son to find out why this is occurring.

Nothing can change if she doesn't speak up and it is her son she needs to discuss the issue with. (He should be man enough to admit to his momma what the issue is if there is one.)

 

[shortbun]

Maybe they are overhwelmed or having some other issues, so they haven't felt like making the effort. Today is Halloween, so something had to be done, but they could go back to being hermits after this.

I'd worry in another month or so if they didn't get into a routine by then.

Our next door neighbors are wacko with the birth of their 2nd child. Pre baby and pregnancy, we had cookouts in the backyard-beer on the front porch-great visits and good camraderie all round. Since the birth of #2, they are constantly stressed, fighting, yelling at their 1st and generally looking like they are in a very unpleasant place. They love their kids but it's NOT pretty.
I would not worry. She should keep the lines of communication open - send cards-make phone calls and stay in a positive place.

 

[turkeymama]

I'm just providing yet another perspective and I'll admit, this is inflecting my own personal experience on the situation.

We have some real issues with my in-laws, mostly with hiding things from me and my husband. When my husband and I made the discovery, we stopped allowing the children to visit unless we were present. This strained the relationship to the point that they rarely come visit us anymore either. They have been invited on multiple occasions, but they don't think they should have to come visit us. However, people who aren't aware of the whole situation (family and outsiders) think I'm a terrible DIL for never bringing the kids around. Why do they think that? Because that's what my MIL tells them. She would never admit her fault in the matter.

I'm sure there is nothing as serious as what has happened in my situation, but I'm sure there is probably more to the story that OP isn't aware of.

 

[Longsx3]

OP thanks for answering my question, I suggest a talk..really SIL, Son and DIL. Get it figured out now before the resentment builds!

As for me, I have had issues with my MIL at times but I would never deny her access to my child especially since she now lives with me. In fact my Mom and My MIL live with me...DH is in Iraq too

There are some weird family dynamics here too, like SIL had to ask her Dh if her Mom could come visit.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Every time she calls they are busy-and then they dont suggest coming another time-or the next weekend.
(all work)

The couple drove 3 hours to another state today to trick or treat in Mommie's sister's gated community(and spend the night)-they have a 3 year old-who SIL misses seeing also.

So its not like they are totally overwhelmed, IMO.

Sounds like they're busy. I remember when my sister's overbearing MIL wanted them to go to Long Island to visit (sister and family lived in Brooklyn) EVERY weekend, but my sister and her DH were super busy. Her MIL even mentioned to them when complaining they didn't come every weekend that some grandparents go to court to get visitation with their grandchildren. This was hardly a situation of keeping them from their grandchildren...they just were a young couple with lots of friends who had children the same age, and a very active social life on the weekends. And if there was a weekend they weren't busy, just maybe they'd like to not be busy! So even tho they were probably seeing their grandchild monthly, to the MIL that was WAY not enough.

I understand that - but where on God's green earth did that "assumption" come from

Re: smoking...just looked to me like a prior poster was suggesting possible reasons, like everyone else on the thread.

Maybe they're busy, but it could be that they simply never had that kind of a social relationship with your SIL and the presence of a baby hasn't improved it.

(Edited)...

Different people have completely different relationships. It seems strange that such people expect the relationship they established with their child to change merely because I have a different relationship established with my folks. If this is the case for your SIL's family, would it help if she tried to put it in the light of her whole history with her child and saw that it hasn't really changed, she's simply aware that it could have been different? I don't think you can be snubbed while receiving exactly the same treatment you had always received (unless that was always out and out rude).

Gotta agree with this. I always visited my parents every weekend before I had kids...DH popped in when necessary to see his parents (scheduled holidays, mult-birthdays one month per year). Same happened after kids. However, ILs didn't necessarily want it that way...they wanted to see the kids, just almost strictly on THEIR terms (ie, every Wednesday for dinner, which we didn't want, and skip any other kind of babysitting that might help us).

What happened when she stayed the two nights? Maybe something transpired that upset the mother of the child that your SIL is unaware of. Did they invite your SIL or did she just "decide" she was going to stay and "help"? Maybe they are simply tired and don't feel like entertaining.

I love that you put the word "help" in quotes! How true! Some people think they're "helping" and they're really not. There were a few BIG occasions when my MIL promised to "help" and she was totally useless. That's not how'd she tell it tho.

 

[rie'smom]

The best thing for your SIL to do is have an honest discussion with her son and DIL. There could have been something said that was misconstrued or there might be no problem at all.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

The best thing for your SIL to do is have an honest discussion with her son and DIL. There could have been something said that was misconstrued or there might be no problem at all.

I agree. She should mention to them that she'd like to see her grandson more often. It might not occur to them that she's feeling left out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No one smokes

Baby's Mommie called SIL and asked her to sleep at the house for 2 nights as she hadn't slept in 2 days and was tired-baby Daddy was out of town

SIL has called at differnet times and there's always a reason why they cant go over and visit
However, it hurts her because the OTHER grandparents (girls parents) are there often
This has been going on for some time, and I dont know all the family dynamics-it just saddens me to see her hurting.

She needs to sit down with them and communicate what the issue is.

 

[NotUrsula]

Could it be a housekeeping issue? I hate having my MIL into my home, because she is a neat freak, and I'm just ... not. She's not here 10 minutes before she starts compulsively tidying things that I think are perfectly fine the way that they are. I also have a cat that she intensely dislikes. She's uncomfortable in our home, and it shows. Of course, I'm uncomfortable in her home with the kids for another reason -- she keeps breakable knickknacks all over the place, and refuses to put them out of reach when DD is over there. She'll spend the entire visit following my super-inquisitive DD around, endlessly repeating, "That's a no-no." DD doesn't give a flip whether it is or not -- if she wants it she will figure out a way to get her mitts on it; she's very devious that way.

I remember that when DS was a few days old my MIL came over to "help" on a day when DH had to go out of town on business. I went to take a nap, and within an hour had to go running down the two flights of stairs that I was not yet supposed to be climbing, because MIL had decided to be helpful and do laundry as a surprise. Unfortunately, the dryer that we had at the time had a tendency to overheat, so we never set it on high.
She did, and caught the basement on fire.

 

[barkley]

so they have a 4 month old, a 3 year old and both work? sounds like what it was like 'back in the day' with us.

when ds was 4 months old dd was just shy of turning 3, and i had just gotten back to work after maternity leave. while dd loved her new baby brother, at 4 months of age he was not that cute little bundle that (as she put it at the time) 'just sleeps, eats, and poops'. he was, quite normaly-at a more demanding stage and as such dd began reacting, plus both were in daycare again so that was another adjustment for them (vs getting to be home with mom f/t). most weekends dh and i were trying to play catch up with the household chores, trying to eek out some special time for dd and generaly keep from collapsing from exhaustion.

for our own sanity we had to turn down many weekend (and esp. evening) visits. and i'll be honest-the grandparents (and uncles) were invited over far less often once ds was born vs. when dd was born because it seemed like company just set dd bouncing and got her off her schedual such that what family perceived as 'just a short visit, we won't disturb your schedual' left dh and i with several hours post visit of trying to wind dd down, trying to get the baby settled...it just seemed better when both kids were a bit older.

how does the sil know the other grandparents are there 'all the time'? is someone telling her this or is she just assuming it? it could be that they are doing what i've had experience with a couple of family members doing (that dh and i put an end to not without some strong words and actions)-not taking a polite 'no it's not convenient for you to come over_________" for an answer and just showing up at the door some adult children can't bring themselves to turn relatives away that do this so in some cases it can account for one side of the family seeing grandkids more than the other.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think your SIL should have a talk with her son and DIL. There seems to be some hurt feelings, some assumptions and a lot of miscommunication. I am a Nana and if I was always calling to visit my DGD but was told that it was inconvenient I would not let it go at that. I would ask when it would be convenient. I would also ask if I could help by watching the baby so Mom and Dad could have a meal or movie out. It seems to me that no one asks the proper questions.

Can I visit?"
"Not today, it is not a good time."
"Okay."

Is that it? No conversation about when time together is possible? No asking how it is going and if there is any way to help? In 4 months no one has probed to find out why only two visits? If I knew that my DDIL has had nights without sleep I would not be waiting for an invitation, I would be on the phone offering to sit with the baby so she could have a nap, get her hair done, go shopping or just take a bath. I would ask if I could bring meals, pick up groceries or run errands. No way would I just let her go on exhausted.

Not everyone has the social skills to extend invitations and not everyone knows how to ask for help when they are tired. I would have no problem asking my DD if they need help or taking the baby when they visited me. If my DS and DDIL have a child I hope that I have fostered the kind of relationship with my DGD to enable me to ask the questions I need to in order to find out how best to visit or to have them visit me.

I am close to the young couple down the street and take their baby for a little while whenever I can but what I found was that when she and the little one visited she was really here for a little break. Sometimes just taking the baby, making Mom a cup of tea and the time to just sit back knowing that the baby is cared for is the best present. It took a little effort on my part though, this new Mom had no idea that I was happy to help, as much for or perhaps more for me as for her.

 

[SC Minnie]

No one smokes

Baby's Mommie called SIL and asked her to sleep at the house for 2 nights as she hadn't slept in 2 days and was tired-baby Daddy was out of town

SIL has called at differnet times and there's always a reason why they cant go over and visit
However, it hurts her because the OTHER grandparents (girls parents) are there often
This has been going on for some time, and I dont know all the family dynamics-it just saddens me to see her hurting.

Sounds like its time for the Gma to have a gentle talk with her son (the baby's father). Maybe they are just busy. Maybe they don't realize that this hurts her as much as it does. She doesn't have to guilt him but just gentley say that she would like to see the baby more. Offer to watch him while the mom goes to the grocery store, gets her hair done, or just takes a nap, or so the parents can have a date night.

In my experience most of the time the childs mother is closer to her parents that the fathers parents when children arrive- even if they all have a good relationship with everyone.

Sometimes days just turn into weeks then months when you're busy, gma shouldn't take it personally.