My mom - what a piece of work (update post 84/125/149/154)

I would allow your dad as much time with his grandchildren as he wanted. As long as it was at your home. Unfortunately, that is going to make it very difficult for him when he gets back to his home. I would let him make the choice as to what he would like to do with this situation.

There is no way on this earth I would let your mother have anything to do with your family again. I wouldn't care how much she begs, pleads, tells you it's going to be different. I wouldn't even allow supervised visits, because she will find a way to inflict some kind of pain on your children, whether it be physical or verbal.
 
I would allow your dad as much time with his grandchildren as he wanted. As long as it was at your home. Unfortunately, that is going to make it very difficult for him when he gets back to his home. I would let him make the choice as to what he would like to do with this situation.

There is no way on this earth I would let your mother have anything to do with your family again. I wouldn't care how much she begs, pleads, tells you it's going to be different. I wouldn't even allow supervised visits, because she will find a way to inflict some kind of pain on your children, whether it be physical or verbal.

When my MIL was psychotic we put our foot down on the grandkids. If you want to see the kids, you must take your meds.

Granted she had already been diagnosed yrs. earlier and we had been thru alot already to wise up.

I will say that it did work and she has been on her meds faithfully for 10yrs. It did help that she was able to get on a med that really worked for her.

I know the poster is a "daddy's girl" and will not do this but my foot would be down. Either she gets help or you guys don't see the kids, period.
But that is me and my own opinion.
 
Oh your poor kids!

I've been known to overreact to a haircut...I once said "what the *bleep* did you do to your head???" to a boyfriend (not a boyfriend for long, LOL). And I cried after my OWN haircuts for YEARS (traumatized a few hair cutting people, though I do warn them).

But yowza, what a reaction!

I kept thinking of the mom in Carrie (Stephen King's book/movie) while reading. There are some huge issues buried in her head about length of hair and appropriateness etc. Since you had long long hair as a kid, and since you have felt it important enough to care for your girls curly hair even while that long for this many years, there are some big reasons that were passed along (my curls were the reason I didn't get to have long hair until I could/would take care of it on my own...which was in my 20s).

Is your family religious? I kind of get that idea that they are, with heavy "girls have long hair" thoughts, and your dad sticking it out all this time. I wonder if it's time to get their religious authority involved?

Regardless, it's not appropriate. And I don't think it's appropriate that your father has allowed you to be so "daddy's girl" that you feel that you have to protect him...that just doesn't feel OK to me. I barely feel it's appropriate when boys want to protect their mothers...my half brothers continue to not leave home (26 and 24 years old) in order to protect their mom and sister...sister has never been a target, and stepmom is big and strong and has CHOSEN to stay...and it's devastating their lives, that they feel they need to be there. So to have a daughter protecting a father...just doesn't seem right to me (would you want your daughter feeling the need to protect your husband????). And therefore, I can't not put "blame" on your dad, either.

My MIL does the martyr thing, and she's verbally attacked her own kids. Iv'e seen her hit her granddaughters. Therefore, DS didn't spend alone-time with her for over 4 years, and that was only once. She knows, because hubby has flat out told her, that if she EVER goes off on DS, and if she ever goes off on hubby in DS's presence, that that will END her time, even supervised, with her grandson. And there's nowhere near the problems with her as there are with your mom!

Time to totally change things.
 
Whoa!! Serious, serious issues..:eek:

I would tell grandma that if she doesn't seek professional help, she will either have to have supervised visits or no visits at all.. How sad..:sad1:


C.Ann,
I totally agree! This tells Grandma that you mean business and shows your DD that this behavior is unaccpetable and that you will protect her. It stresses that it is not her fault and that Grandma is 'ill' and has to get the help she needs.
 

I have no advice...but I did want to say that I know some people are really insistent/taken/obsessed over the length of their child's hair. My SO's 7 yo daughter's hair is long and blonde and gorgeous; her mother takes really good care of it. My SO has said that "she'd better not cut her hair", and I know mom feels the same way about it. Granted, the girl's hair is beautiful, but I can seriously see some conflict if she does decide to eventually cut it. The opposite of my mother, who always kept my hair cut when I was young because she didn't want to deal with washing and brushing it...
 
You need to teach your children that if they are in danger to "Call 911" immediately. Waiting to reach your or your husband may be too late.
 
I also think OP needs to sit down with her kids (both of them!) and say,


"What Grandma did today was a terrible thing.

What she did was wrong and we're not going to allow her to treat either of you that way ever again.

I apologize for putting you in such a terrible situation and I promise I will never let something like that with Grandma happen to you ever again.

Grandma is having some very serious issues right now and the adults are going to work as a family to help her. I know you are worried about Grandma as well and we will let you know how she's doing.

We know you love Grandma too and are as upset as we are about how badly she is behaving, we want you to know we love too and we'll work towards a resolution.

The most important thing to remember is that we (your parents) love you and are very sorry this happened. You are good kids who don't deserve to be treated this way."

...or something like that.
 
OMG I am shocked! There is no way in hell that I would ever let her near my kids again. I understand she's your mother, but really, she needs serious help. If she wants to visit with them I would make her meet you in a public place. I am so sorry to hear such a fun day for your daughter turned so sour. I hope she's ok.
 
You need to teach your children that if they are in danger to "Call 911" immediately. Waiting to reach your or your husband may be too late.

That's what I was thinking.
That's what I would've done after calling my parents to come get me!
 
Disney Doll expressed my thoughts exactally.

Your breaks my heart, as I simply can't imagine any grandparent abusing their own grand child :sad2:. I feel so sorry for what your sweet daughter went through ~ is still going through and the damage that's been forever done by someone she dearly loved and trusted.... is beyond words. :sad1:

You've got lots of good advise here and I'm sure you know in your heart what you need to do.
{{Hugs}} and prayers to you, your daughter and family thru this most difficult time. :hug:
 
She took a mole hill and made a MOUNTIAN out of it. Sorry this is gonna be long.

DD12 is going into 6th this year. She is EXCITED beyond words. She has been counting down the days for weeks now.

Since the end of the school year, she has been asking if she could get her hair cut. She has a beautiful head of thick, curly hair. With the dance classes she takes, her hair has to be long enough to go into a bun. Growing up, I had hair to my waist. Other than when she wore bangs and trimming off split ends, she has never had a hair cut.

She and I had gotten a magazine to look at all the different styles. She picked out the ones she liked the best, keeping in mind what she had to keep for the dance bun requirement. DH and I told her that we would get her hair cut this coming week.

On saturday, when I went in for my cut and color, she went with me and took in the magazine. The lady who does my hair looked over what she had picked out and the three of us agreed what would look best and what she could take care of best.

Once KD got my color on and had me tucked under the dryer, she didn't have anyone else, so instead of having me make a trip back up there, she went ahead and did DD's cut as well. NOT AT ALL AN ISSUE WITH ME.

OMG...does she look cute. She never stopped smilling. Kept running her fingers thru it. Didn't want to roll down her window...it might get messed up. DH and DS both gave their approval....for DS14 say that he liked it is impressive.

DH and I had plans to go out to eat and a late movie Saturday night. The kids have not spent anytime over at my mom and dads this summer. Mom had asked if she could keep the kids and spend some time with them, so that was the plan.

We get over there and my dad was out cutting the grass. DD got out of the car and walked over to him. He had a shocked look, then a big smile. He told her it sure was different, but he liked it and gave her a hug. We went on into the house. DD and I had to go back to my mom and dads bedroom to find her. And when we did, the day of happieness made a u-turn and headed for hades.

My mom started crying. Would barely look at DD. Just glared at me. DD kept trying to hug her grandma, but she just kept pushing her away. Telling her, she couldn't believe we would do that to her. Go away, leave her alone. Finally, DD turned and walked out and I followed her...didn't say a word to my mom. DH was standing in the hallway, he heard what was said, he followed us out to the family room. We had barely gotten into the family room, when the bedroom door was slammed shut and the wailling began. We proceeded on out the door. We stood outside with my dad and the kids for about an hour talking. Mom never once stuck her head outside. DS went into the house once to get some water and when he came out, said she was still in her room carring on.

Dad said to just go ahead and leave the kids. Once he finished mowing the grass, they would go get something to eat and stay outta her way. We left, dad was heading across the street to finish the mowing and DS and DD were outside messing with their bikes.

DH and I get home, takes us only about 10 minutes. Once I get in the house, I pull my cell out of my pockets and it starts ringing before I can set it down. Call id shows that is my mom and dads house. I answer it and it is DD whispering you need to come get me. I can hear my mom screaming in the back ground, so I can barely hear what DD said. She then says grandma go away, I'll be out in a minute. She starts to say something, but all I hear is my mom screaming don't you dare shut this door and hang up the phone. I can hear DD start to tell her who she is talking to when the phone goes off. I call back, DH is already putting his shoes back on. When DS answers the phone, I asked what is going on. He says, "mom, she's gonna kill her. she's chasing her through the house." DH is already standing in the doorway, as soon as he heard that she is being chased, he was out the door and in the car. I told DS to just stay outta the way, because if you try to interfer, she'll turn on you. He stayed on the phone with me, until DH got there. Me not being there is/was for the best, because I know it would have gotten a whole lot uglier had I been there.

About 10 minutes after I know DH has gotten there, my cell starts ringing. It's my mom. I refuse to pick up. She called back a dozen times, leaving 4 messages. Once DH and the kids were in the house, I finally answered one of her calls. She is screaming and sobbing....Bring them back...don't do this to me.....WHY......just bring them back. Then hangs up. Calls back a few minutes later, we are not answering. This goes on for another 1/2 hr. Left another 6-7 messages.

According to what we can only partially guess at, as she is sreaming and sobbing in her voicemails, we are guitly of:
1 - not asking her permission
2 - stabbing her in the back. She once held a beauticians license. Hasn't worked in a salon since before I was born, I'm 41. Tell me what she know about the modern styles and trends.
3 - taking to much off. We already know the hair cut can go up into a bun. Did it before we left the salon.
4 - said she would have cut DD's hair. But we would have done a little at a time so she could get use to it.
5 - taking the kids from her and turning them against her.

I won't go into what all she did or said to my DD before DH got there. But needless to say, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE OR FORGET what this woman did to my beautiful daughter over a haircut. I don't think that DD will ever get over it either.

And for the record before everyone says she needs physic help.....we all have known it for years. Getting her to go, that's another story. She's just fine....everybody else has issues that we need to deal with. This is the first time she's lost it on the grandkids. She can lose it on me all she wants...I can have it out with her, but the kids can't do that nor should they have to do that. Dad, DH and I need to talk, but she took his cell phone and I won't call the house number for her to either scream at me or listen to our conversation. This may just have been the straw that broke the camels back with Dad. Before she took his cell, we had already told him that until her issues are being treated, the kids will not be anywhere near that house.

:scared1: O.M.G.

You already know your mother has some issues. I don't blame you one bit for rescueing the kids. And I would never leave them with her again. Seriously.

My mother has had several wacked out moments where she becomes irrational, throws things, screams and makes threats. The last time she had a meltdownat my house, when I was away taking care of my dad, who had lung cancer. My sister was with her and saw the whole thing. Sis was the one who called me away from my father's deathbed to say "one of you needs to get home NOW, because I can't rein her in much longer." DH flew home to rescue the kids and we have NEVER let them spend time with her without us since then. And sadly, the relationship between my mother and me was severely damaged. I can't trust her and I don't tell her anything that I don't want used against me.

I know how distraught I was, and I think I can feel it in your post, I knew my kids have to come first. I think your mom just played her last hand. If she would go off on your daughter over a hair cut(*granted, this was a biggie--first time and all) I can't imagine how fragile she must be. Too fragile to be caring for your kids, that's for dang sure.

:hug: I'm sorry. this is a very sad situation to be in. :hug:
 
Your mother needs help. Her behavior is very irrational. The thing that worries me is if she gets in her head that "it is her right" to see your kids, she might show up out of the blue. I agree with arminnie-teach your children to dial 911 first and you or your husband 2nd.
 
Wow. I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that.

There is no way in hell my children would be spending another minute with her until she got help.

Obviously she need pyschiatric help, but if you or your dad could convince her to go to her regular doctor and give her symptoms (it could be just a matter of depression. I had a family member like that and she was diagnosed with depression, put on anti-depressants and has been completely normal since), say she thinks she's depressed, he could prescribe anti-depressants (mood stabilizers) and that could open the door for further treatment, if she needs it.

A lot of people will go to their regular doctor for depression when they wouldn't dream of seeing a psychiatrist. After they're on the medication, sometimes they're more open to seeing a therapist.

If she acts like she is going to harm herself or someone else, you can call the police and have her taken to a hospital, but for just mood disturbances, no one will intervene if she is an adult.

Uh,she did threaten the grand-daughter. This is more than a mood disturbance. I'm not a mental health professional but I know craziness when I see it. This is truly mentally unbalanced behavior. If the family doctor has one GRAIN of common sense he will refer her to a psychiatrist. Family docs do treat a lot of mental illness, but when you're really off-balance going to a family doctor is like having your vet take out your gallbladder. Mom needs a psychiatrist!
 
:grouphug:

What a traumatic situation for your kids. Please make sure they both have all the love and attention possible right now.

I'm with the posters who say, "There's no way in hell I'd let Grandma anywhere near the kids until and unless she gets some serious help." Even if she was being treated for her problems, I'd only let her have supervised visits.

Your first priority should be caring for your children.
 
She took a mole hill and made a MOUNTIAN out of it. Sorry this is gonna be long.

DD12 is going into 6th this year. She is EXCITED beyond words. She has been counting down the days for weeks now.

Since the end of the school year, she has been asking if she could get her hair cut. She has a beautiful head of thick, curly hair. With the dance classes she takes, her hair has to be long enough to go into a bun. Growing up, I had hair to my waist. Other than when she wore bangs and trimming off split ends, she has never had a hair cut.

She and I had gotten a magazine to look at all the different styles. She picked out the ones she liked the best, keeping in mind what she had to keep for the dance bun requirement. DH and I told her that we would get her hair cut this coming week.

On saturday, when I went in for my cut and color, she went with me and took in the magazine. The lady who does my hair looked over what she had picked out and the three of us agreed what would look best and what she could take care of best.

Once KD got my color on and had me tucked under the dryer, she didn't have anyone else, so instead of having me make a trip back up there, she went ahead and did DD's cut as well. NOT AT ALL AN ISSUE WITH ME.

OMG...does she look cute. She never stopped smilling. Kept running her fingers thru it. Didn't want to roll down her window...it might get messed up. DH and DS both gave their approval....for DS14 say that he liked it is impressive.

DH and I had plans to go out to eat and a late movie Saturday night. The kids have not spent anytime over at my mom and dads this summer. Mom had asked if she could keep the kids and spend some time with them, so that was the plan.

We get over there and my dad was out cutting the grass. DD got out of the car and walked over to him. He had a shocked look, then a big smile. He told her it sure was different, but he liked it and gave her a hug. We went on into the house. DD and I had to go back to my mom and dads bedroom to find her. And when we did, the day of happieness made a u-turn and headed for hades.

My mom started crying. Would barely look at DD. Just glared at me. DD kept trying to hug her grandma, but she just kept pushing her away. Telling her, she couldn't believe we would do that to her. Go away, leave her alone. Finally, DD turned and walked out and I followed her...didn't say a word to my mom. DH was standing in the hallway, he heard what was said, he followed us out to the family room. We had barely gotten into the family room, when the bedroom door was slammed shut and the wailling began. We proceeded on out the door. We stood outside with my dad and the kids for about an hour talking. Mom never once stuck her head outside. DS went into the house once to get some water and when he came out, said she was still in her room carring on.

Dad said to just go ahead and leave the kids. Once he finished mowing the grass, they would go get something to eat and stay outta her way. We left, dad was heading across the street to finish the mowing and DS and DD were outside messing with their bikes.

DH and I get home, takes us only about 10 minutes. Once I get in the house, I pull my cell out of my pockets and it starts ringing before I can set it down. Call id shows that is my mom and dads house. I answer it and it is DD whispering you need to come get me. I can hear my mom screaming in the back ground, so I can barely hear what DD said. She then says grandma go away, I'll be out in a minute. She starts to say something, but all I hear is my mom screaming don't you dare shut this door and hang up the phone. I can hear DD start to tell her who she is talking to when the phone goes off. I call back, DH is already putting his shoes back on. When DS answers the phone, I asked what is going on. He says, "mom, she's gonna kill her. she's chasing her through the house." DH is already standing in the doorway, as soon as he heard that she is being chased, he was out the door and in the car. I told DS to just stay outta the way, because if you try to interfer, she'll turn on you. He stayed on the phone with me, until DH got there. Me not being there is/was for the best, because I know it would have gotten a whole lot uglier had I been there.

About 10 minutes after I know DH has gotten there, my cell starts ringing. It's my mom. I refuse to pick up. She called back a dozen times, leaving 4 messages. Once DH and the kids were in the house, I finally answered one of her calls. She is screaming and sobbing....Bring them back...don't do this to me.....WHY......just bring them back. Then hangs up. Calls back a few minutes later, we are not answering. This goes on for another 1/2 hr. Left another 6-7 messages.

According to what we can only partially guess at, as she is sreaming and sobbing in her voicemails, we are guitly of:
1 - not asking her permission
2 - stabbing her in the back. She once held a beauticians license. Hasn't worked in a salon since before I was born, I'm 41. Tell me what she know about the modern styles and trends.
3 - taking to much off. We already know the hair cut can go up into a bun. Did it before we left the salon.
4 - said she would have cut DD's hair. But we would have done a little at a time so she could get use to it.
5 - taking the kids from her and turning them against her.

I won't go into what all she did or said to my DD before DH got there. But needless to say, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE OR FORGET what this woman did to my beautiful daughter over a haircut. I don't think that DD will ever get over it either.

And for the record before everyone says she needs physic help.....we all have known it for years. Getting her to go, that's another story. She's just fine....everybody else has issues that we need to deal with. This is the first time she's lost it on the grandkids. She can lose it on me all she wants...I can have it out with her, but the kids can't do that nor should they have to do that. Dad, DH and I need to talk, but she took his cell phone and I won't call the house number for her to either scream at me or listen to our conversation. This may just have been the straw that broke the camels back with Dad. Before she took his cell, we had already told him that until her issues are being treated, the kids will not be anywhere near that house.


First I want to say you deserve a huge hug as does your entire immediate family.

Next do not ever start blaming yourself and make sure your DD does not blame herself for your mother.

Your mom had some type of breakdown. Since I do not know the entire situation with your mother and your relationship with your mother I do not know exactly what to say to you.

I will say....my mother is flippin nuts. I am 40 my entire life I have never been able to do one thing correct. I know my mother loves me...in her own way. She was always a bit off my enitre childhool and teen years. Then when I had children all things went nuts. She has told my children repeatly that I am the worst mom in the world and that I do not love my own children. It has been hard. My oldest is 16. I have tried very hard to not turn my children against my mother. However now that they are older they know how she is and prefer not to be around her. I have never taken my children from my mother. We did make her have a "time out" period about 10 years ago when she was at her worse. My DH finally was tired of me being torn to pieces and he told her until she could conduct her self appropriately she was not allowed at our house. I will not say it has been much easier in the last 10 years because at times it has been horrible.

I thank God that before I married my DH I went to counseling to make sure I would not be a horrible step mom. In that time period the counselor helped me to come to terms with my relationship with my mother.

I only tell you this to let you know you are not alone in your grief. Do not blame yourself and again I say make sure your sweet DD does not blame herself for what has happened.

:hug:
 
My aunt suffered from mental illness for years, making and breaking numerous appts. with a psychiatrist. This was hidden from us until my uncle suffered a psychotic break from the pressure of dealing with her instability on his own and he tried to harm her and himself. My uncle had the same sense of committment as your dad. Try to get both of them help. Good luck.
 
How very scary! I would definitely keep my children away from her until she gets treated. Even after that, there's no way I'd leave them unsupervised. Your poor daughter...Breaks my heart that she had to witness that. :sad2:
 
I am so sorry for what you your family, and your daughter had to go through. Please take care of her needs and make sure her self esteem remains postive over her beautiful new haircut. I too have very cury hair and know how hard it is to find the right cut and style.

Also I wonder does she have any other grandkids or children that she could come in contact with? If so you need to speak with amy brother or sisters you have and tell them what happened.
 
OP, is their any kind of update tonight? Has your Mom attempted any kind of apology at all? Or has your Dad contacted you?
 
WOW. I can't believe how she behaved. My heart is broken for your DD and for you. :hug:
 





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