My mom - what a piece of work (update post 84/125/149/154)

[MAKmom]

Harsh and unhelpful.

I agree she should never have left them in that house.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dad will get to see the kids as much as he can, outside their house. The only problem is, when she finds out he is seeing them, she will lose it one him and make his live in that house a living hades. About 6 years ago, he came over to our house one Christmas Eve before going to chruch, she found out about it and he hasn't heard the end of it. Every year, when he gets ready to go to Christmas Eve service, she starts in about going to their house to make me look bad in from of T's (DH) family.

OK, that is not a good plan.

I would put pressure on your father to force his wife into getting help or getting him some help as to why he puts up with this.

Say something to dad along the lines of "we are taking a break from the both of you, so we can decide what we need to do." Make him think about this, instead of totally demonizing your mother. She is mentally ill and he is supposed to be the well one.

Now I know you will say, that is sooo harsh and no way can I do this. Unfortunately the reality of this is your father is part of the problem.

He stays married to a woman that abuses him. If this were reversed we would say that the woman should get out of that situation.

Making your father's life a living Hades is not good for him.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow!! I am so sorry you and your family, especially DD had to go through this. The relationship that was will just never be the same. Hugs to you and your DD!!

 

[ms.yt]

He stays married to a woman that abuses him. If this were reversed we would say that the woman should get out of that situation.

Making your father's life a living Hades is not good for him.

Very good point. Can you imagine what would be said if a man took his wife's cell phone away and cut her off from the rest of her family? It sounds like OP's dad has resigned himself to living this way, as I'm assuming they've been married for over 40 years and her mental issues have probably not just started if they are this severe now. He's been enabling her behavior and likely won't do anything to make his situation better. Sad for everybody involved, but OP has to make the choice of what is best for her family (meaning her, her DH and kids).

 

[Jennasis]

Holy hand grenades!! That is terrifying, and insane!

Yes, grandma needs to be cut off COMPLETELY. no visits, supervised or otherwise. If she agrees to seek (and follows through on) professional help, you may reconsider, but for now, your loon of a mother is done. Kudos for you and your husband for doing all that you have so far and for remaining, apparently calm. Both myself and my Dh would have blown a serious gasket.

 

[agnes!]

None of us, would have ever guessed that she would so totally lose it on the grandkids. Her own words - Logan and Delaney are all that I have to look forward to. The sun and moon rise and set on these kids. They are the only grandkids she has.

Oh well, too bad for her that she chose to go psychotic on those beloved kids. She has no rights now, she should NEVER see those kids again or be in their presence again. Thank GOD your DD was ABLE TO CALL YOU.

Btw, where was your dad while this was all going on?

My dad will get to see the kids as much as he can, outside their house. The only problem is, when she finds out he is seeing them, she will lose it one him and make his live in that house a living hades. About 6 years ago, he came over to our house one Christmas Eve before going to chruch, she found out about it and he hasn't heard the end of it. Every year, when he gets ready to go to Christmas Eve service, she starts in about going to their house to make me look bad in from of T's (DH) family.

Like I said before...abuse? She is certainly acting paranoid and keeping him away from his loved ones and sounds like she is verbally attacking him non-stop. Why does she get to decide how he spends all his time? I think MM's idea sounds pretty good, about saying you're taking a break for a while to decide what to do.

I have a couple of pictures and soon as I get them off the camera, I will post them.

Thank you all for the kind words and hugs.

I would consider not posting them unless you can blur the faces. Your mother SCARES me.

And here's another . I can't even begin to imagine the pain your kids and your DH and and you are going through. I'm so sorry.

agnes!

 

[DWGal210]

Oh my goodness. I can't imagine you or your daughter being in that situation - how scary for all of you!

I agree with others; I would do 2 things right now.

1) No communication with your mom. While she might be feeling bad about it today, don't let her drag you back in. From your post, it sounds like you have experienced her bizare behavior in the past. Cut ties.

2) I think that at 12 and 14, your kids are old enough for a talk about grandma. They've witnessed her behavior and if you haven't done it already, it would be a good time to have a family talk about how grandma isn't in her right mind, she's sick, etc and we need time away from her. I would bet money that she tries to get in touch with the kids instead of you, and if you're all on the same page about how you're dealing with it, it'll be harder for her to get to the kids.

Good luck!

 

[C.Ann]

OK, that is not a good plan.

I would put pressure on your father to force his wife into getting help or getting him some help as to why he puts up with this.

Say something to dad along the lines of "we are taking a break from the both of you, so we can decide what we need to do." Make him think about this, instead of totally demonizing your mother. She is mentally ill and he is supposed to be the well one.

Now I know you will say, that is sooo harsh and no way can I do this. Unfortunately the reality of this is your father is part of the problem.

He stays married to a woman that abuses him. If this were reversed we would say that the woman should get out of that situation.

Making your father's life a living Hades is not good for him.

I have to agree with this.. I know he's your dad - and you love him and don't want to hurt him - but he is a grown man and can take care of himself.. It seems (and I don't mean this in a mean way) that he wasn't very helpful when this situation was happening while he was right there in the house, so the advice in the post I have quoted seems in order..

I'm so sorry that all of you have to go through this..

 

[jen0610]

Holy hand grenades!! That is terrifying, and insane!

Kudos for you and your husband for doing all that you have so far and for remaining, apparently calm. Both myself and my Dh would have blown a serious gasket.

Calm would not have used, if I had gone over there with DH. Someone would have been posting my bail money, I was seeing red so badly, just from the phone call. If I had gone with him and found my DD where DH did, I would have lost it on my mother. Mother or not, she would have had to go to the hospital after I was finished with her.

2) I think that at 12 and 14, your kids are old enough for a talk about grandma. They've witnessed her behavior and if you haven't done it already, it would be a good time to have a family talk about how grandma isn't in her right mind, she's sick, etc and we need time away from her. I would bet money that she tries to get in touch with the kids instead of you, and if you're all on the same page about how you're dealing with it, it'll be harder for her to get to the kids.

Good luck!

She has been calling both of their cell phones. Neither one is picking them up. They know not to answer if they see it incoming from her number, the home number or grandpa's. If there is a message left, they can listen to it. If they hear it's her, they are just to save the message. If it's grandpa, they can call the number back.

 

[Jennasis]

Your poor dad indeed. He appears (from the info provided) to be the victim of a mentally abusive spouse. He's "put up with it" for this long, I doubt he's going to do much to try to better his situation. Offer him your support should he try!

 

[Darsa]

Holy moly, your mom has VAULTED over the line and gone right 'round the bend! I totally agree with the PP's that this woman should have no contact with your kids; that is an extremely unhealthy environment for them.

Pitching THAT kind of a fit over a haircut... I really, REALLY can't even begin to fathom that.

to you and DD

 

[VAN]

It sounds like you are doing all that you can regarding your mother. Not knowing the situation, I would say that your father has been mentally abused. A younger brother was married to a woman who had "issues" (to put it kindly) ... over time, he just got so worn down that he was almost at a standstill and doing everything he could not to rock the boat.

This could well be where your father is. It sounds like he needs your total support.

Right now, though, I agree that you need to focus on the children ... get them to talk about what they went through and how they "feel" about what happened. Continue to discuss it until you are sure that they understand that her reaction had absolutely NOTHING to do with them personally. That it is Grandma that has the issues. Keep talking about it. Keep communicating with your children.

Agree with an original poster that you should ensure that your mother is not allowed to pick up the children from school, dance, etc. You don't need to go into details; only that there are some family issues and you need to be called immediately if she tries to contact them.

Keep hugging and talking to the kids.

I don't know how you will deal with the mother issues. It sounds like it is more than a "menopause/hormone" thing ... maybe something that has been going on for several years.

Just remember that every family has some issues that are not necessarily known outside the "circle" ... hang in there and hug those kids and your DH!

 

[Jennasis]

Calm would not have used, if I had gone over there with DH. Someone would have been posting my bail money, I was seeing red so badly, just from the phone call. If I had gone with him and found my DD where DH did, I would have lost it on my mother. Mother or not, she would have had to go to the hospital after I was finished with her.

Ahh...but you didn't hospitalize her! THAT is what makes you so unique. My knuckles would still be raw. May I suggest going out to Walmart and buying some cheap dishes...then find a nice deserted spot where you can smash them one by one. Very cathartic!

 

[Jillpie]

I too am wondering why the kids were left with her? She was in a totally irrational, unstable and very scary state, as described to us. Are we missing something here, did you see her calm down and become rational before you left that house? You've painted a very abusive situation here for us, and then all of a sudden you leave to have a date with your DH. Can you fill in the blanks so us parents can understand?

 

[BelleWDW]

Your mother sounds seriously mentally ill.

Someone needs to get her help. This incident alone is unbelievable

 

[RadioFanatic]

I too am wondering why the kids were left with her? She was in a totally irrational, unstable and very scary state, as described to us. Are we missing something here, did you see her calm down and become rational before you left that house? You've painted a very abusive situation here for us, and then all of a sudden you leave to have a date with your DH. Can you fill in the blanks so us parents can understand?

I thought the same thing. Also, where was your daughter when your dh arrived?

 

[sbell111]

... I would consider not posting them unless you can blur the faces. Your mother SCARES me.

I'm thinking that if grandmother read this thread that she wouldn't need the pictures to recognize that it's about her.

Calm would not have used, if I had gone over there with DH. Someone would have been posting my bail money, I was seeing red so badly, just from the phone call. If I had gone with him and found my DD where DH did, I would have lost it on my mother. Mother or not, she would have had to go to the hospital after I was finished with her.

Where did he find her?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your poor dad indeed. He appears (from the info provided) to be the victim of a mentally abusive spouse. He's "put up with it" for this long, I doubt he's going to do much to try to better his situation. Offer him your support should he try!

Right which puts him in a place that harms your children. Why do I say that?

It is because he is protecting his wife. And he will choose her over his grandkids. That is something you need to keep in the forefront of your mind at all times. Do not let your father have unsupervised visits either.

 

[disykat]

I also agree that you need to resign yourself to NEVER leaving your kids with her. Frankly, I think a police report and a restraining order should be filed.

PLEASE change your kids cell phone numbers and protect them from this harassment!

A horrible thing has happened and know the kids need to know that you are going to keep them safe. This is not your mom being a piece of work, this is a serious safety issue for your children.

I know you love your Dad but he was unable to protect your children. You also left them vulnerable. Please learn from this experience and take the steps necessary to protect them. These incidents NEED to be documented (police report). It will help you get help for your mother. If you can't bring yourself to do it for your kids, do it for your Dad. He is not safe there either IMO.

 

[redrosesix]

Whoa!! Serious, serious issues..

Your poor DD - being terrorized like that by her own grandmother.. I would be so far beyond furious, I think my head would have exploded by now!

I don't normally advocate children being kept away from their grandparents, but your mom sounds like a loose cannon.. Make sure grandpa can see them often - at your house.. I would tell grandma that if she doesn't seek professional help, she will either have to have supervised visits or no visits at all.. How sad..

ITA!

My DD dances too, and if the new hairstyle can still go into a bun, it wasn't that drastic. The issue is your mother, not the haircut -- maybe tell your DD that it could have been anything that day (which is obviously true).

And give your DS a hug for standing up for his sis -- brothers don't always do that at his age.