My kids are not allowed to date until college

[4forMe]

A fellow mom that I know from school told me over the weekend that she is not allowing her children to date until they are in college. She stated that this is how she was raised and she is raising her two kids the same way. She also said she would actually prefer they be over 21 when they start dating. Her main reason is that she wants them to focus on their studies and not be distracted by all the drama involved in dating. Her DH is totally on board with raising the children in this manner.

When I brought up what she planned to do when her kids wanted to go to prom, she insisted that they would only go with a large group and someone who was a friend.

I thought this might be a cultural issue, but my DH (who is of the same culture) assured me it was not. My DH was also raised in a strict family (10 p.m. curfew during senior year of high school), but his parents did allow him and his siblings to date.

I honestly have never personally known a family that had this expectation.

My question for all of you is:

Do you know anyone who wasn't allowed to date during high school?

Did that individual actually follow the parents' rule of no dating?

Just curious.

 

[Goofyluver]

Yes, I had a friend when I was younger whose family had a no-dating rule that was similar.

She was homeschooled (because her mother believed she should only be exposed to fellow church members), was only allowed to watch rated G movies until she was 18, she was only allowed certain types of foods, in addition to many other "rules" which limited her exposure to the outside world.

When she turned 18, she flipped the freak out.

 

[Rora]

A fellow mom that I know from school told me over the weekend that she is not allowing her children to date until they are in college. She stated that this is how she was raised and she is raising her two kids the same way. She also said she would actually prefer they be over 21 when they start dating. Her main reason is that she wants them to focus on their studies and not be distracted by all the drama involved in dating. Her DH is totally on board with raising the children in this manner.

When I brought up what she planned to do when her kids wanted to go to prom, she insisted that they would only go with a large group and someone who was a friend.

I thought this might be a cultural issue, but my DH (who is of the same culture) assured me it was not. My DH was also raised in a strict family (10 p.m. curfew during senior year of high school), but his parents did allow him and his siblings to date.

I honestly have never personally known a family that had this expectation.

My question for all of you is:

Do you know anyone who wasn't allowed to date during high school?

Did that individual actually follow the parents' rule of no dating?

Just curious.

I knew quite a few people who were not allowed to date during high school.

They certainly didn't follow the rules... and some did more (KWIM?) because they were "forbidden".

I don't know what's "right" but I think it's unreasonable (borderline ridiculous, JMO), to not allow teenagers to date.

 

[Art 1]

Smart lady.

 

[CurlyGirl]

If there's a will, there's always a way! Those "group" outings - yeah, date night. It's a group outing so Mom and Dad don't get suspicious. ETA - I did that when I was 15 because I had to wait until I was 16 to date.

 

[minkydog]

My DD18 has a friend in her show choir who doens't date. She is from India and her parents are extremely strict. She can't even dance with a boy during their shows--she has to dance alone or with girls. It's a cultural thing. She fully expects to go back to India after she finishes her Masters Degree in international studies. Her parents will likely consult a marriage broker to find the right husband for her.

Our nurse, Samuel, is from Kenya. He is completely horrified that we allow DD18 to date boys. In his culture, boys and girls don't date--ever. The families make the marriage arrangements and it can take years to get it ironed out.The dowry has to be done right and the man has to prove that he can support the woman before they ever even hold hands. Samuel waited 4 years for his future FIL to allow him to court his daughter and they were both adults out of college! One of the reasons he doesn't want his wife & 14yo daughter to come to America is that he feels American teens are a lot "faster" than he is comfortable with. He wants her raised as a proper Kenyan girl.

 

[cheermom1]

I can see it now b/c she stated that they can go to prom in a group that they will tell mom and dad they are friends and set up to appear that way but they are not stupid. These will find a way to date behind their parents backs I assure you that. I would want to know what was going on with my kids and know who they will be with and where instead of them plotting on how to get around my no dating rule and they might get in a situation they can't get out of if they are not taught how to date and be in social settings. I don't know the fear of them being put in danger by trying to get around my rule would make want to do it differently and let them do things with my guidance then to sneak around and then get preggo or something else.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I could not "date" until I was 16. I later found out that it wasn't a rule against boyfriends though. I just couldn't go anywhere with them.

I also didn't have a date to my senior prom and went as a group. I guess I showed mom to let me date while I was still in high school.

I know people who raise their kids in this manner (as best as I can tell based upon conversations--I don't really pry into their parenting decisions). I don't see anything wrong with it.

Not every child with a strict upbringing becomes a wild thang.

 

[AustinTink]

My college roommate was not allowed to date in HS. We didn't even make it a year in our apartment, I had to move out. She turned into a superhoochie.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I think if you make something "the forbidden fruit", it just makes it way more exciting to try to get! I could see waiting until 16. Children are legal at 18. I can't imagine forbidding an adult to date.

 

[disney1990]

Yes, I had a friend when I was younger whose family had a no-dating rule that was similar.

She was homeschooled (because her mother believed she should only be exposed to fellow church members), was only allowed to watch rated G movies until she was 18, she was only allowed certain types of foods, in addition to many other "rules" which limited her exposure to the outside world.

When she turned 18, she flipped the freak out.

I've seen this happen on more than one occasion. Hit 18 and go crazy. i.e. Mom can't control me now!!

 

[luvmy3]

Unless you plan on escorting your HSer on every outing they go on, not allowing them to date isn't going to keep them from the opposite sex. They will find a way, and if you don't allow them to do things like go to the movies, bowling, etc, that only leaves them to do the things they would have to do when they were all alone, avoiding being caught together on a date

 

[punkin]

I know this isn't about high school, but my 12 yo went to the mall with a whole bunch of friends (boys and girls). I was driving them. At the last minute she told me that "Brian" wasn't coming because he wasn't allowed to be with girls. Hello, this was a bunch of preteens going to the mall, both boys and girls. No one is dating yet (well.....not really dating). I thought this was so strange since these are the same children he hangs out with at school.

 

[golfgal]

I dated a guy like that in college. He wasn't supposed to date until he was done with dental school (his parents plan for his future, not his). It was really sad actually.

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

...How can anyone prevent an 18 year old adult from dating?

 

[Princess_Meghan <3]

One of my best friends wasn't allowed to date until she turned 18- she broke her mother's rule, and had been 'dating' since 5th grade, just because she was told she wasn't allowed to. Whenever her mother found out about a boiyfriend, she would be 'grounded' and cut off from seeing him, but would find ways to get around that. She definitely found herself in a lot of trouble throughout highschool, and she usually turned to my mom and I for help(she's very close to my mom, and has been since we were in kindergarten). She is definitely a little crazy now that she is 18 and her mother can't really control what she does at all.

Her mother also hadn't been allowed to date until she was 18- she broke her mother's rule, and ended up pregnant with my best friend. I never fully understood why she had the same rule her mother did- I understand she wanted my friend to have a different life than she did, but she also knew that there was a strong possibility my friend wouldn't follow it, like she hadn't.

I have another friend who isn't allowed to date for cultural reasons, and she has never once broken her family's rule, so not all kids rebel when presented with a no dating rule.

 

[NaLisa]

Yep, a friend of ours decided his two daughters couldn't date or wear makeup until they were 18. Both daughters were pregnant before their 19th birthdays. True story.

 

[mamacatnv]

I went to high school with a girl who was not allowed to date, she was knocked up by our Senior year.

I can't think of any kids I know now whose parents are that extreme but I do work with a lady that will not allow her 12 almost 13 year old DD to be in the presence of boys such as another poster said for a trip to the mall or a party or movies etc. The only place the girl comes into contact with boys is at school and Mom watches her like a hawk. Drops her at the bell and picks her up immediatley upon release.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I think it depends on the culture of where the kids are raised, to be honest. It would be really easy holding these rules in Kenya or India.

But in America, our teens are expected to date and to create friendships and test the waters and NOT have marriages made for them; they have to learn to stand on their own and create their own lives. That is our culture. You really can't/shouldn't/wouldn't expect to raise a child with cultural differences surrounding them.

 

[MrsPete]

Do you know anyone who wasn't allowed to date during high school?

Yes, since I spend all day in a high school, I see a lot of everything:

I've seen families who forbid dating during high school. These families tend to be conservative in other ways too, and it absolutely works for some of them.

I've seen kids who would be allowed to date but don't. Some do this because they see dating as a way to choose a mate, not simply to have fun on a Friday night; thus, they aren't interested in going out casually with someone whom they know isn't "right" for them. Some don't date because they just aren't asked out (or aren't accepted when they ask a girl out).

For families who set limits, the MOST COMMON rule seems to be no "car dating" 'til you're 16. Personally, I think this is a pretty good rule. 16 seems to be an emotional milestone for kids; they take a huge step forward in maturity around 16.