My house, my rules!

[DisneyPrince1982]

I also get to make decisions about their health, even though it's their body. Should parents ask their kids if they want vaccines or not? No, I'm the parent, it's my my responsibility to make the call, not theirs.

Luckily, that doesn't include being able to smoke in cars that have children in the back. Thank you United Kingdom!

 

[bookgirl]

Knew a younger girl who's parent's were of this attitude. She was an only child by choice. They supported her interests and encouraged her to pursue her education. They were also strict and as she grew to her teen years they continued to use the same standards and restrictions that they used while she was in elementary and middle school. They were all sweet and indulgent while she was young. As soon as she began to mature they became more strident and dug in with the "our house/our rules" mantra. Told some mutual friends that they would drive her away.

She applied and was accepted to a school about 4 hours away in a different state. She barely came home for even half the holidays over the next four years, she did summer stock with the college drama department so 'had' to live there between semesters. She dated and married a boy from the town her school was in. They held the wedding there. They stayed in that area near his family, they post pictures of holidays and outings with his siblings and their children. I've never seen one picture of her family on her facebook, she never mentions them.

She and her husband are both college graduates who have careers, loads of friends and are raising two boys with varied interests and post lots of happy family pictures.


She wasn't a brat or unreasonable and if they had talked to her and compromised to appropriate levels of 'rules' they'd probably be part of her life. Instead they are alone and she has moved on to her OWN house where she lives by her rules, but they are not a part of it.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Bookgirl, that's the kind of thing I have seen, too. My kids are adults now, all married and most with kids of their own. We are all close, talk frequently (everyone who can comes for dinner here ever Sunday) and enjoy taking vacations together (especially Disney vacations). Not that we don't have occasional squabbles and disagreements, but we are connected. My attitude was always that this is OUR home so we work out how to live together. I have seen other parents who took the "my house, my rules" (and even the "blind obedience") approach and I've seen their kids get the heck out of Dodge as soon as they can. Some have cut off contact with their parents completely. Those parents say to me "I can't understand why he's cut me out of his life" and I don't even know what to say.

 

[eliza61]

Bookgirl, that's the kind of thing I have seen, too. My kids are adults now, all married and most with kids of their own. We are all close, talk frequently (everyone who can comes for dinner here ever Sunday) and enjoy taking vacations together (especially Disney vacations). Not that we don't have occasional squabbles and disagreements, but we are connected. My attitude was always that this is OUR home so we work out how to live together. I have seen other parents who took the "my house, my rules" (and even the "blind obedience") approach and I've seen their kids get the heck out of Dodge as soon as they can. Some have cut off contact with their parents completely. Those parents say to me "I can't understand why he's cut me out of his life" and I don't even know what to say.

Lol well I guess my family didn't get that memo, Ive been saying it for years and my sons haven't missed a meal yet and we leave for Disney in 5 days. I keep telling them I'm running away and they keep following me.

Have I been saying it wrong?? I've got some family members that I say it to and those jokesters keep bouncing back.

And my siblings and I are having a huge party on the 4th for my Aunt's 100th birthday. who knew I was supposed to cut them off completely. Heck, they were the serious blind obedience generation and imagine that, they some how miraculously managed to raise 8 kids, 27 grands, 6 great grands.

Give me a break, if someone cuts their parents out of their life, a lot more is going on than " my house, my rules".

Lol and no my adult sons can not come in the house with baggy pants and a bandana, looking like a thug. don't care if it is a "trend". Want to look like a hood, get your own house

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Of course every kid is different and responds differently to what parents do. I know brutally abused kids who keep going back to their parents.

There's a psychologist who deals with a lot of these situations where kids cut off their parents. He says we see a lot more of it now because in the past, our society put more emphasis on our obligation to stay connected with parents/family. But that's changed, and young adults now are much more willing to say "that relationship isn't what I want, I'm gone" and they won't get pressure from their peers/society to re-connect.

 

[pat fan]

But that's changed, and young adults now are much more willing to say "that relationship isn't what I want, I'm gone" and they won't get pressure from their peers/society to re-connect.

Please, unless you are in a situation where that has happened, don't make it sound so idyllic. You may not mean it that way, but that is how I took it. Parents who loved their children and did all they could for them are now discarded by kids who are encouraged to cut family out of their life and replace it with whomever. That's not ok. Unless there is a serious issue, family is important and these kids who may not agree with 100% of their parents views (who does) are told that instead of agreeing to disagree and loving each other in spite of their differences, it's better to just cut them out and move on without them. Some day I am 100% certain they will look back and regret it.

 

[jrmasm]

Bookgirl, that's the kind of thing I have seen, too. My kids are adults now, all married and most with kids of their own. We are all close, talk frequently (everyone who can comes for dinner here ever Sunday) and enjoy taking vacations together (especially Disney vacations). Not that we don't have occasional squabbles and disagreements, but we are connected. My attitude was always that this is OUR home so we work out how to live together. I have seen other parents who took the "my house, my rules" (and even the "blind obedience") approach and I've seen their kids get the heck out of Dodge as soon as they can. Some have cut off contact with their parents completely. Those parents say to me "I can't understand why he's cut me out of his life" and I don't even know what to say.

I've seen way more kids grow up to be terrible adults because their parents wanted to be their friends rather than the other way around.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I wasn't attempting to make it sound idyllic or that it was the best choice. I was sharing the explanation that the psychologist who deals with these children and families every day gives for the increase in these cases that he has seen. He's saying that society has changed. I don't think he is wrong about that.

 

[pat fan]

He's saying that society has changed. I don't think he is wrong about that.

Yes, and for the worse. When the schools, colleges and intellectuals tell your kids that parents are not needed, friends are more valid than family and disgareements are valid reasons for cutting family out of your life the world sure has changed.

 

[Dawnlight]

Please, unless you are in a situation where that has happened, don't make it sound so idyllic. You may not mean it that way, but that is how I took it. Parents who loved their children and did all they could for them are now discarded by kids who are encouraged to cut family out of their life and replace it with whomever. That's not ok. Unless there is a serious issue, family is important and these kids who may not agree with 100% of their parents views (who does) are told that instead of agreeing to disagree and loving each other in spite of their differences, it's better to just cut them out and move on without them. Some day I am 100% certain they will look back and regret it.

I agree and have seen this situation play out in real life. It's not pretty and it not only hurts the parents, but extended family as well.

Some of these "adult" children want nothing to do with the difficult parts of familial relationships, like listening to well-meaning advice, but then expect all their perceived entitlements, like inheritance. You cut off your parents to the extent that you don't talk at all, never see one another, never communicate via any method, don't support them when they go through things like surgery and other difficult life cycle events, then you have no claim on their money when they pass away.

 

[smiths02]

Maybe this has already been said, I haven't read everything, but I see some of "my house, my rules" as learning to respect people and their private property and teaching my children to understand that different expectations are in different places.
For instance, my in-laws don't drink, they are very against drinking...we have never brought alcohol to their house or ordered alcohol when going out to eat with them. It's not about them controlling us with money, it's about us respecting them. On the other hand, they stay at our house, and they don't dump out the wine or alcohol.
In our house, swearing and running around naked aren't punishable offenses, but we talk about how you wouldn't do that anywhere else.

 

[NobleAlyssum]

Obviously, people make rules because of reasons. So, when your rule is questioned, to give the reasoning is the logical and diplomatic approach. If you say "my house, my rules" as the first response, I take it to mean that 1) "I don't want/have the time to tell you the reason" or 2) "I don't have a reason." The phrase "my house, my rules" is a shortcut phrase, and unfortunately, most of the time, when there is a disagreement about a rule, a shortcut phrase is not going to get your point across.

My mother used the phrase with me and I rather wished she would have taken the time to explain to me the reason for the rule, to help me understand how she came to deciding that the rule was needed (because as a kid, the obvious isn't so obvious) and by extension help me learn something. I know that some kids or at some ages, you can talk a kid's ear off and they still wont care whatever good-natured reason you have for a rule they don't like, but at that point, you can usually turn the reason around to have an unwanted consequence for them if they don't follow the rule.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

From what I have read on this thread the people that oppose "my house my rules" still basically run their houses that way. They just don't use that phrase. I would think that everyone who owns the home has a set of rules that must be followed. Otherwise we would all live in chaos. Of course we take the children's opinions and thoughts on things into consideration regarding certain things but at the end of the day it is Our house Our rules. That is why we are the parents! We will explain why there are certain rules if asked but sometimes a child doesn't quite get why there are certain rules in place no matter how you try to explain or think you are oh so unfair! So yes, my house my rules would get thrown out there if need be.

 

[North of Mouse]

Am I the only one who cringes at hearing this phrase?

I absolutely hate it! I see it routinely on this board and hear it out in the world referring to a variety of circumstances.

Yes, children needs rules and boundaries. I also feel like it should be their home as well. It's not like kids have a choice as to where to live growing up (at least the bulk of kids don't).

Ok, so some people say that I pay for everything including the house so I make the rules. Does this apply when one partner in a relationship makes all the money or maybe has the house? You should follow all their rules and not protest because they're benevolent enough to allow you to live there? I wonder how many people would put up with a partner who says "if you don't like my rules then you can leave!"

I guess I've always just thought it odd that so many think that raising a child well means blind obedience. At what age to kids get to have opinions and protests that are entertained? Isn't expressing what and why you disagree teaching important critical thinking and negotiating skills?

That's not to say kids should be running the house and always get their way. I've just seen so many approaches to children as "I don't negotiate with terrorists" approach. Always has baffled me.

Our house, our rules!! Doesn't bother me 'one' bit - that's why there are parents! Maybe you've never heard the phrase - "I'm the mommy,(or daddy), that's why" which should say it all in lots of cases.

And, yes, for the most part, it meant blind obedience for our children - they respected that, and we all did just fine, and they turned out to be very productive adults. Doesn't mean we never listened to them, but the last word was always ours.

I don't know if you have children, or their ages, but one day you may understand the statement a little better --- or not!!

 

[pat fan]

Obviously, people make rules because of reasons. So, when your rule is questioned, to give the reasoning is the logical and diplomatic approach. If you say "my house, my rules" as the first response, I take it to mean that 1) "I don't want/have the time to tell you the reason" or 2) "I don't have a reason." The phrase "my house, my rules" is a shortcut phrase, and unfortunately, most of the time, when there is a disagreement about a rule, a shortcut phrase is not going to get your point across.

I can't speak for everyone who may use that phrase, but I, for myself, disagree with that assessment. Of course rules were explained. Probably more than once, but most definitely NOT every time. Once they knew the rules, yeah..my house my rules. And of course there could be discussions, but someone has to make the final call and the adults in the room get to do that.

 

[disykat]

Knew a younger girl who's parent's were of this attitude. She was an only child by choice. They supported her interests and encouraged her to pursue her education. They were also strict and as she grew to her teen years they continued to use the same standards and restrictions that they used while she was in elementary and middle school. They were all sweet and indulgent while she was young. As soon as she began to mature they became more strident and dug in with the "our house/our rules" mantra. Told some mutual friends that they would drive her away.

She applied and was accepted to a school about 4 hours away in a different state. She barely came home for even half the holidays over the next four years, she did summer stock with the college drama department so 'had' to live there between semesters. She dated and married a boy from the town her school was in. They held the wedding there. They stayed in that area near his family, they post pictures of holidays and outings with his siblings and their children. I've never seen one picture of her family on her facebook, she never mentions them.

She and her husband are both college graduates who have careers, loads of friends and are raising two boys with varied interests and post lots of happy family pictures.


She wasn't a brat or unreasonable and if they had talked to her and compromised to appropriate levels of 'rules' they'd probably be part of her life. Instead they are alone and she has moved on to her OWN house where she lives by her rules, but they are not a part of it.

Oh no! My kids went away to college, have pursued other jobs and interests over the summer, and don't mention me on Facebook. I guess they don't love me?

What you have mentioned sounds NORMAL to me. I still live in a different state than my family,went away to college, spent summers working at a national park, got married in the state I lived in rather than at my childhood home, and never mention my parents on Facebook because their privacy is their right. I love my family and consider us close.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I've seen way more kids grow up to be terrible adults because their parents wanted to be their friends rather than the other way around.

I just do not see it as so cut and dry--there is a WHOLE lot of middle ground between trying to be nothing but a friend to your child and trying to control your child to a high degree.

Somewhere in the middle, where parents see themselves as helping their children grow into themselves and learn responsibility and kindness along the way--which on rare occasions requires putting a foot down, but mostly requires giving them increasing bits of freedom and letting them find their own way, and sometimes means being the bad guy but can much more often mean getting along in a friendly sort of way with your kids, is where I always tried to be. So far that is working out quite well for me.

 

[North of Mouse]

Give me a break, if someone cuts their parents out of their life, a lot more is going on than " my house, my rules".

Agree 100%

I've seen way more kids grow up to be terrible adults because their parents wanted to be their friends rather than the other way around.

 

[jrmasm]

I just do not see it as so cut and dry--there is a WHOLE lot of middle ground between trying to be nothing but a friend to your child and trying to control your child to a high degree.

Somewhere in the middle, where parents see themselves as helping their children grow into themselves and learn responsibility and kindness along the way--which on rare occasions requires putting a foot down, but mostly requires giving them increasing bits of freedom and letting them find their own way, and sometimes means being the bad guy but can much more often mean getting along in a friendly sort of way with your kids, is where I always tried to be. So far that is working out quite well for me.

I agree. My comment was simply in response to a post that implied if you're not bffs with your kids, they will hate you. I do think while you can have friendly moment with your children, it is was more important to be a parent than a friend.