My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[lillygator]

wow, that's a tough one although I do think you should have consulted your DH first. No matter what you had decided upon including him would probably have helped.

As far as the game...I would go, you have a responsibilty to the team - will they be short and forfeit if you don't show? Play with one less player and not have an extra hitter?

 

[Cruz Family]

This is a subject very close to my heart. Growing up I was rasied mostly by my grandparents, I never knew my dad and my mother was in and out of my life (long story). I worshiped the ground she walked on, this is very common because many times the more disfuctional the relationship the stronger the emotional bond. Over the years I had many converstions with my grandparents and they wished they had not enouraged the relationship between me and my mother as much as they did (I agree 100%). This was not a healthy relationship, as is the one between your son and his "father". You have to remember at this point he really has NO relationship with him, it is more in his own mind (and possibly yours), then it is a reality.
He is in a home with two loving PARENTS and that should be the foundation on which he should grow. If over time his "father" proves he is stable and committed to a real and healthy relationship with his son then I would encourage it.
Best of luck and remeber the right thing to do is never the easiest.

 

[4greatboys]

Im sure it has to be hard for your dh after all this time having the boys bio dad swoop back in. He probably doesnt realize the each year as the boy grows up he is going to see who fed him, clothed him, cared for him, had fun with him and loved him. The boy will know who his real father is and its the one who has been there all along for him, not the one who just pops in and out when he feels like it.
But to not let the boy see his bio dad would just be a huge disservice to the boy. He needs to see him and hopefully his bio dad will show the boy he cares about him and has not forgotten him.

Just reassure your dh its in your sons best intererst and after all these years of being a good father to him he isnt going to be replaced.

 

[Tissa]

I would not show up at dh's softball game if you have not talked to him yet. He obviously needs time to think.

I'm sorry that your ex put you in this situation at all. My kids dad hasn't seen them in 3 years although he lives in the same town. He did call and leave a message around Christmas to speak to the boys but I did not return the call and he never tried to call back. It would just break my oldest son's heart because I know his dad would promise to visit and then never show up.

Your dh will just have to get over his hurt. He deserves to be upset right now but will have to realize that you were doing what you thought was best for your son.

Good Luck!

 

[DisneyAprilFool]

I can just reiterate- please, before making any further decisions, get DH on board.

Unless there is a custody arrangement, you cannot be FORCED to go see your son's father either. It should not be too difficult for him to understand that you are in a marriage, UNITED with your partner, and therefore, it may take a few days before you can 'work things out' with this ex who has suddenly popped back into your life.

You owe your loyalty to your husband and your son- not your son's father. IF you choose to do whatever your son's father wants, without first consulting your husband and allowing him time to process everything, you are going to seriously damage your relationship with your husband- but even worse, you risk endangering your son's relationship with his stepdaddy.

Also, you said your son had been crying about his father- did you ever tell your husband this was going on? If not, you really need to step back, don't make any decisions TODAY, and have a heart-to-heart with your husband before going any further.

Good luck.

 

[Chicago526]

Yikes! What a situation!

Well, while it would have been better to talk to your DH first, you didn't. I can understand, this was out-of-the-blue and you didnt' have time to think, you just reacted. It happens, no one is perfect.

So, what do you do now? Well, you know your DH the best, of course, but I find that most men just need to cool off and think about things for a while, and then usually they'll come around. He will never be thrilled with the idea, of course, and no one should expect him to be. Anyway, back off your DH for a day or two, and then bring it up (if he doesn't do it before then) and see how he's feeling.

I too am concerend your ex will just disapear again, but legally I think you have to let your ex see him. Even if there isn't a legal vistiation/custody order in place, all your ex would have to do is see a lawyer and then a judge, and he'll have one. Better to just cooperate in the first place.

Just curious, but does your ex pay child support? He should be, and if not that might give you some leverage if your ex becomes unreasonable about visits.

 

[Joel110]

I have apologized to my husband over and over and over again. I've emailed him like every hour today apologizing and telling how much me and his son love him!!! (he reads his email at work and won't accept my calls).

How tough for all of you. I agree that he has a right to be PO'd about how it was handled (not being discussed with him first) and PO'd at the biological father for now wanting back in after 6 years. I'm also sure he's also really hurt after being your DS's father for 6 years and DS is showing how excited he is to see his biolgical.

Hopefully, he'll at least understand that it comes down to what's best for DS. If that means seeing his biological, then DH has no right to deny it or really be angry at you or DS for wanting it. It's an unfortunate reality of what he accepted when he married you and your DS. DS didn't choose this situation, so maybe pointing out from DS's perspective that DS didn't decide to separate from his biological father, his biological father and you made those choices, but the best you can do for DS is offer him the opportunity to have a relationship with his biological father. Also, reinforce that you aren't doing this for the biological father, you're doing it for your son.

Best wishes.

 

[taraprather]

Yes, he has been paying support every week. I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

 

[Zoemakes5]

I agree with PP. My DH gets mad if I make any relatively important decision without him. Yours was a BIG one. And, by not talking with him about it beforehand, even if you ended up disagreeing with him, sent a pretty negative message to him, I'd think. It says that even though he is "the daddy" and has been for years and by your side and with your support, that you don't really think of him as an equal partner when it comes to your son. He may have had alot of issues with bio father coming into the picture, he may have had none. He may have been the voice of reason, made suggestions on ways to make it less traumatic for your for the process, slow you down so you could really interpret the situation from a different perspective (like drugs/jail other problems) that you may not have thought. But, you took that away from him, and even though you recognize that this could hurt him, I sounds from your post that you think it's the DS and bio father that hurts, and I think it's probably much more. Did you ever talk about what you would do if/when bio dad ever showed up?
Now, I'm not saying you weren't well intentioned or that you acted instinctively, or that you're evil or anything. But, I wanted you to think about this from another perspective.
How to make it better? I'd sit down with DH and start the conversation with "I messed up big time and I'm sorry." Tell him some of the stuff that you've been withholding from him (I'm assuming you withheld to save DH's feelings?) and why, explain that you just acted instinctively based on what was going on, that DS was sitting there, and you just allowed it. You didn't think, not really, and you have had time to think about it and you just feel terrible. Tell him you'd really like to talk about this with him and figure out what to do from here as a couple and as parents. In the discussion, one thing to consider is that as much as it's a potential mess for DS, DH and you, bio-dad does have legal rights to see his son, unless those were ever specifically revoked.
Big hugs, I can only imagine how hard this is for all of you!

 

[ilovejack02]

Yes, he has been paying support every week. I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

I think that is a good idea. You can give DH some time to adjust and you can give ex more time to think about if he really really wants to be in DS's life. This prob should have been discussed long ago... note to everyone out there in this situation. You need to have a sit down talk and go over what ifs. If DH doesnt get on board soon, bring up going to counseling and even if he says no, you should go to learn how to deal with this situation correctly. I think we would all need help with that.

 

[robinb]

Yes, he has been paying support every week. I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

I think that's a good plan. You need to bring your hubby back into the decision process so he knows you are a team. Speaking of teams ... if there is someone to play your position I would skip the softball game and give your DH some space. I would also stop calling and emailing every hour on the hour. That kind of stuff would really piss me off and keep me angry instead of helping me calm down. Begging for forgiveness would also keep my anger going. He needs time to think and reflect and he can't do that if you're bugging him. Send one more email saying that you'll see him when he gets home and how you hope you can discuss things once your son is asleep.

{{hugs}} and good luck!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

very solid plan.
Personally, I don't think you should go into that meeting with the bio-Father without your husband sitting right beside you.

Now onto the second issue of whether or not your son should see his bio-Father.

Yes, he should for a couple of reasons.

#1. If you try to withhold visitation, he could very well end up taking you to court to force the matter. You don't want that.

#2. It's just the right thing to do. Your son is reaching the age where he is wondering what his biological Father is like, what happened, why doesn't his "Father" ever come around like all the other Fathers -- pretty heavy stuff for an 8year old to handle.

Unfortunately the previous posters are correct. All too often, these absentee parents get a burst of conscience and briefly pop back in for just long enough to totally devastate the kids all over again--- then they run away for another couple of years.

Hopefully this is one of the few cases where that won't happen. But if it does, you're going to need your husband around to help get your son over it.

Apologize to DH about a million more times and then start talking with him on how to handle it.

 

[dameodie]

I don't have much advice to offer... just wanted to chime in because this is what I'm afraid is going to happen with my fiancee's girls' mother. She's in their lives right now half time - they have a 50-50 custody arrangement. However, her divorce from her current husband is final on Tuesday, and he's leaving her because she had an affair with a man in Belgium and is now pregnant by this guy. She wants to move to Belgium and bring the girls out there in the summer... which I just don't see happening, since my fiancee's lawyer said that the custody agreement could be worded so that she would have to pay all transportation costs, and she's said that she would need to come get them when the time came. Four round trip tickets to Europe every summer? If this guy was older and was a doctor or something, then maybe, but he's 20 years old and lives with his parents. Anyway, my point is my gut says that she's writing herself out of the picture, even if she doesn't believe it now.

The only advice I can give is to try and keep your son's relationship with his father as more of a special friend kind of relationship until he demonstrates some stability. He may be your son's father, but as of right now, he's certainly not one of his parents.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Yes, he has been paying support every week. I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

This is a good idea to wait. Also when and if ex asks questions tell him you need to think about it and get back to him. This was advice from my lawyer. Agreeing to things your ex asks while you are on the phone with him, and he is possibly putting pressure on you, is never a good idea. On the second note I do not think that your DH would divorce you over this. He did marry you knowing you son came from somewhere. In the back of his mind he always knew that this guy could show up at anytime. I think he is more hurt than anything. He has acted as the dad to your son for so long and then some guy shows up with more power and rights than he has...it has to hurt.

 

[Blondiex46]

I think you did the right thing. Your son knows who his father is and who his daddy is and if you would keep him from the father he would resent you when he got older. Your husband has to remember it isn't about him it is about the child. He knows he has a father and imagine how he felt knowing his father didn't want anything to do with him even though your husband "played daddy" to him. This doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with your husband or your husband's relationship with your son and hopefully your husband will keep treating your son the way he did before the "father' came back into the picture and honest will he stay, if so how long....

IMO he has no reason to be mad at you, honestly athough he was there for those years he is still your son and you have to make decisions based on what you think is best for him. Should you have discussed it with your husband first, well if that was possible I am sure you might have done that, but it didn't. I just hope that he doesn't disappoint your son cause my kids father used to tell him that he was coming to see him all the time and never showed up. After 9 years he decided he wanted to be in their lives and now when he calls they say "I am not talking to him, tell him to stop calling" I told him that if he really wants the relationship that he has to be persistent. Is he nope and they are ok with that. They are 13 now, know they have a father and know he wants nothing to do with them, and I am a single parent.

I wish you luck, it wasn't an easy decision and did what you thought was best for your son.

 

[Maggimus]

I agree with PP that your DH has a right to be upset.

You (both yourself and DH) are the parents who has been around for years and years-- and remember you are dealing with a child. Parents equal the decision makers for the child. My Dh's father was around his entire childhood but only as a father and not as a 'dad'. I feel as though this type of communication should only be granted when the child is emotionally capable of dealing with the outcome-- which could end up being a loss of communication and can make a bad situation even worse. I know, personally, that my DH has become very emotionally scarred and it has not only effected his emotions, but also the entire person that he is. Its a day-to-day struggle.

I also wonder where "father" has been for the past few years? Shouldnt trust be built over time through phone communication with you and the ex before an actual meeting with the child is set up? It seems as though this one phone call has made things quite crazy in your life. I would worry about his sudden invested interest and possibly try and gain his trust (for your son) through phone conversations about "hows DS doing in school this week",etc (quite a few of those phone calls)-- before popping in and letting him take over DS's emotions.

I applaud the fact that you care so much for your son-- because everyone needs good solid parents. Just give it quite a bit of thought before you get DS involved.... too much, too early might not be such a good idea.

This is just my opinion-- good luck...

 

[ceecee]

I would not go to the game, especially if your DH hasn't taken any of your calls. He needs more time. You probably shouldn't have let your DS speak with his bio father until AFTER you told your DH and discussed it with him, he feels left out and like everything he's done for the last 7 years is nothing!
I would discuss anything with him before agreeing to meet the ex.
Remember a REAL dad is the one who is there day after day, supporting your DS, helping him learn and being there when he's sick. A real dad doesn't disappear for 6 years and show up one day likes he's never been away. I would have been a lot more cautious than you were. Lots of questions are unanswered. Have you told your DS a lot about him? I just wonder why he feels like something has been missing if your DH has been with you since he was 15 mos. old.

 

[taraprather]

My son knew and remembered his father up until he was 2 1/2. He still remembers the things they did, the nick-names his father use to call him and things. I talked to my ex today and told him we'll have to hold off on the meeting and I explained why. He apologized for putting me in this situation and told me to call him when it's a good time for me. I called my husband again and he actually answered. I ask him if he wanted me to go to the softball game and he said do what you want, you're going to make your own decision anyways.He also said he don't want to hear the name Tony (my exs name). I told him he knew his bio-father when he married me. (my husband and I were together for a little over a year before Tony stopped coming around) I understand why he is so upset. I'm going to give him through the weekend to think about things and cool down, then I'm going to make him sit down and talk about it.

 

[Maggimus]

My son knew and remembered his father up until he was 2 1/2. He still remembers the things they did, the nick-names his father use to call him and things. I talked to my ex today and told him we'll have to hold off on the meeting and I explained why. He apologized for putting me in this situation and told me to call him when it's a good time for me. I called my husband again and he actually answered. I ask him if he wanted me to go to the softball game and he said do what you want, you're going to make your own decision anyways.He also said he don't want to hear the name Tony (my exs name). I told him he knew his bio-father when he married me. (my husband and I were together for a little over a year before Tony stopped coming around) I understand why he is so upset. I'm going to give him through the weekend to think about things and cool down, then I'm going to make him sit down and talk about it.

Just remember that this is all happening really fast... I dont know if I'd put such a quick time limit on it (the weekend)--- its really hard when someone has been out of the picture for 6 years and to make a decision within a few days. Things have a way of working themselves out...

 

[bellarella]

Yes, he has been paying support every week. I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

Are you sure this is really being done for your son? I think it is a good idea for you to wait to see him *for* your son. Honestly, I can't imagine handing the phone to my child spontaneously to talk to a person who hasn't been in his life for 6 years. It seems horribly reckless to me. Have you been working with a counselor on how to deal with your DS's questions about his bio dad? While I would never recommend bad mouthing a parent in front of a child, it seems that a child who is crying about meeting a person they have never met (when where old enough to remember) might not be getting the answers they have been needing. If this has been something going on for awhile, I would have brought it up with your DH so you could have worked on the issue together. For this person to suddenly reappear, my first instinct would have been to put myself between my child and his bio father until everything was worked out, because the person who will suffer the most will be him. I'm not saying to deny the bio father access, but after 6 years, there is a reasonable expectation that he must jump through some hoops, among them meeting with you *and* your DH to make decisions as a group as to what is in the best interest of your DS. Just handing the phone of to your DS may have given him a great high, but not all highs are worth the price of the crash that can follow.

I would proceed with extreme caution here. I know you are saying that you are apologizing to your DH, but it sounds like (from what you have written) that it is because he is hurt, not so much because you think you did anything wrong. I'm guessing that your DH isn't just hurt for himself, but probably really mad that you made a major *parenting* decision with out him. Doing so not only undermined his feelings, but undercut his role as a parent, and likely -- the big one -- put your DS at risk for a major emotional fall. This shouldn't have been a decision for you to make on your own IMHO, and I think you may need to address that issue (whether you agree with that assessment or not) with your DH in your future conversations and let him say his piece. It may not be that he is just hurt, but he is disagreeing that you did what was best for your DS and as his parent, he deserves to be heard out on the issue and not just be dismissed as being mad because his feelings were hurt.

Good luck.