My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[ilovejack02]

My son knew and remembered his father up until he was 2 1/2. He still remembers the things they did, the nick-names his father use to call him and things. I talked to my ex today and told him we'll have to hold off on the meeting and I explained why. He apologized for putting me in this situation and told me to call him when it's a good time for me. I called my husband again and he actually answered. I ask him if he wanted me to go to the softball game and he said do what you want, you're going to make your own decision anyways.He also said he don't want to hear the name Tony (my exs name). I told him he knew his bio-father when he married me. (my husband and I were together for a little over a year before Tony stopped coming around) I understand why he is so upset. I'm going to give him through the weekend to think about things and cool down, then I'm going to make him sit down and talk about it.

I think giving DH the weekend to chill a bit is a good idea, but if your ex is going to decide to be involved and proves that he will stay around and gains your trust again then DH is going to have to relax because if not he will alienate DS. Now deciding what to do about in ex in a week is prob not going to happen and that part should be taken slowly, but it is not acceptable for anyone to ignore a spouse and be openly hostile about anything for any long period of time.. i mean days , yes he is still within his right to be mad now though . Good luck, this is a tricky situation.

 

[branv]

Well almost everything has been said that I would have said, so I'll just add that I got a huge red flag when you said that your ex first tried to claim that he tried to see his son but you stopped him. If it really is not true, this tells me that he hasn't really changed much from being a self-involved immature person. He clearly isn't taking responsibility without being forced to (i.e. you calling him on it) which troubles me, and also makes me wonder what he will tell your son when your son inevitably asks, "Why haven't you been around?" Will he blame you? Undermine you? It also strikes me that if he is still avoiding taking responsibility for his choices, then he's probably very selfish/self-indulgent and this visit is about fulfilling some need he has, not about truly caring for the needs of his son.

Just proceed very very carefully. I just don't see how you are going to get through any of this without counseling for you, your son and your DH. Too much mourning, confusion and anger is already taking place and this is with just the possibility of a meeting. Please consider seeing a family therapist, it would really help.

 

[Maggimus]

Are you sure this is really being done for your son? I think it is a good idea for you to wait to see him *for* your son. Honestly, I can't imagine handing the phone to my child spontaneously to talk to a person who hasn't been in his life for 6 years. It seems horribly reckless to me. Have you been working with a counselor on how to deal with your DS's questions about his bio dad? While I would never recommend bad mouthing a parent in front of a child, it seems that a child who is crying about meeting a person they have never met (when where old enough to remember) might not be getting the answers they have been needing. If this has been something going on for awhile, I would have brought it up with your DH so you could have worked on the issue together. For this person to suddenly reappear, my first instinct would have been to put myself between my child and his bio father until everything was worked out, because the person who will suffer the most will be him. I'm not saying to deny the bio father access, but after 6 years, there is a reasonable expectation that he must jump through some hoops, among them meeting with you *and* your DH to make decisions as a group as to what is in the best interest of your DS. Just handing the phone of to your DS may have given him a great high, but not all highs are worth the price of the crash that can follow.

I would proceed with extreme caution here. I know you are saying that you are apologizing to your DH, but it sounds like (from what you have written) that it is because he is hurt, not so much because you think you did anything wrong. I'm guessing that your DH isn't just hurt for himself, but probably really mad that you made a major *parenting* decision with out him. Doing so not only undermined his feelings, but undercut his role as a parent, and likely -- the big one -- put your DS at risk for a major emotional fall. This shouldn't have been a decision for you to make on your own IMHO, and I think you may need to address that issue (whether you agree with that assessment or not) with your DH in your future conversations and let him say his piece. It may not be that he is just hurt, but he is disagreeing that you did what was best for your DS and as his parent, he deserves to be heard out on the issue and not just be dismissed as being mad because his feelings were hurt.

Good luck.

I think this is what I was trying to say-- you said it much better though.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

My gut reaction is that your husband is hurt that you didn't consult with him on this VERY important decision that you made, and you may have made him feel completely invalid in your relationship and his relationship with your son.

I think you need to apologize profusely for making him feel unimportant, admit that you made a HUGE mistake, and seek counseling immediately.

 

[Goofyzgurl]

Are you sure this is really being done for your son? I think it is a good idea for you to wait to see him *for* your son. Honestly, I can't imagine handing the phone to my child spontaneously to talk to a person who hasn't been in his life for 6 years. It seems horribly reckless to me. Have you been working with a counselor on how to deal with your DS's questions about his bio dad? While I would never recommend bad mouthing a parent in front of a child, it seems that a child who is crying about meeting a person they have never met (when where old enough to remember) might not be getting the answers they have been needing. If this has been something going on for awhile, I would have brought it up with your DH so you could have worked on the issue together. For this person to suddenly reappear, my first instinct would have been to put myself between my child and his bio father until everything was worked out, because the person who will suffer the most will be him. I'm not saying to deny the bio father access, but after 6 years, there is a reasonable expectation that he must jump through some hoops, among them meeting with you *and* your DH to make decisions as a group as to what is in the best interest of your DS. Just handing the phone of to your DS may have given him a great high, but not all highs are worth the price of the crash that can follow.

I would proceed with extreme caution here. I know you are saying that you are apologizing to your DH, but it sounds like (from what you have written) that it is because he is hurt, not so much because you think you did anything wrong. I'm guessing that your DH isn't just hurt for himself, but probably really mad that you made a major *parenting* decision with out him. Doing so not only undermined his feelings, but undercut his role as a parent, and likely -- the big one -- put your DS at risk for a major emotional fall. This shouldn't have been a decision for you to make on your own IMHO, and I think you may need to address that issue (whether you agree with that assessment or not) with your DH in your future conversations and let him say his piece. It may not be that he is just hurt, but he is disagreeing that you did what was best for your DS and as his parent, he deserves to be heard out on the issue and not just be dismissed as being mad because his feelings were hurt.

Good luck.

Very well said.

I think you made a major decision without dh, but if the bio-dad lets your son down, who is going to pick up the pieces? The father that he has known all of his life. Your dh "might" also feel that ds should meet his father one day, but I don't think you gave him a voice in that matter. Like any major decision I think you should discuss this and make a mutual decision since it is going to affect the ds' life and your marriage. Good luck.

 

[2angelsinheaven]

Wow, I just wanted to send you some good thoughts that in the end everyone is happy and that all involved put your Son first. As someone who's father walked out on her I can't tell you how emotional I got just reading the first page of this thread. Hugs to you and your son, I hope it works out.

 

[taraprather]

I think I'm going to call a counsoler first thing in the morning. My sister n law just called (she plays softball with us) and said they all decided not to play and they kicked back in a park and drink a few beers. Well, according to her, Charlie was extremly tipsy and he started talking about me. He was saying he was done with me (BTW Charlie is my hubby). My sister n law told him he's acting like I've cheated on him and that he's just angry. She also told him I understand my mistake and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. She said they all decided to go to a bar 30 minutes away. My hubby is driving! If he's already tipsy, he is going to get wasted (my hubby isn't a big drinker at all, but in this case he will). What do I do? My sister n law is going also and she said she'd call if he tried to drive home, but he's so freaking stubborn, he won't listen to anyone. I'm trying to stay calm about this entire thing, because I know he is speaking out of anger, but worrried to death about him driving home drunk. And I know cops will be out HEAVY tonight being a holiday weekend. I have both my kids and no sitter!!!!

 

[DisneyAprilFool]

Tell your sis to notify the bartender that your hubby shouldn't be driving if he's drunk. I believe bartenders handle this type of thing all of the time?

It definitely sounds like ya'll will need some professional help at this point in time- his anger IS justified, but his reaction to his anger is not. If that makes sense.

**HUGS** This is going to be rough. It isn't fair- but it's life with an ex.

 

[Maggimus]

I think I'm going to call a counsoler first thing in the morning. My sister n law just called (she plays softball with us) and said they all decided not to play and they kicked back in a park and drink a few beers. Well, according to her, Charlie was extremly tipsy and he started talking about me. He was saying he was done with me (BTW Charlie is my hubby). My sister n law told him he's acting like I've cheated on him and that he's just angry. She also told him I understand my mistake and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. She said they all decided to go to a bar 30 minutes away. My hubby is driving! If he's already tipsy, he is going to get wasted (my hubby isn't a big drinker at all, but in this case he will). What do I do? My sister n law is going also and she said she'd call if he tried to drive home, but he's so freaking stubborn, he won't listen to anyone. I'm trying to stay calm about this entire thing, because I know he is speaking out of anger, but worrried to death about him driving home drunk. And I know cops will be out HEAVY tonight being a holiday weekend. I have both my kids and no sitter!!!!

I would say that he probobly does feel as though he has been cheated on.... I hope things work out soon and you both can be more understanding of one another. I dont feel as though you are completely understanding where he is coming from-- and i know for certain he isnt of you either. Its time to meet in the middle and try and understand one another... the hard part is getting to the point that you can do so- I can tell hes pretty upset. Good Luck...

 

[grlpwrd]

Yes, he has been paying support every week. I think it will be a good idea if I wait to meet him. At least a few days, that way my husband can have time to cool down. My ds bio-father hasn't called me yet to set up a time but when he does, he'll have to understand why I'm waiting. I don't want my husband divoricing me over this. I understand why he''s angry with me but I wish he would understand that this is being done for my son

You mean "our" son, right? Your current dh raised him like you said and I think he is within his right to feel upset.

After all these years your ex appears and wants to be so involved. This would make me very suspicious if it were me and I can see why your dh is angry.

I really hope it works out...

 

[Hannathy]

I agree with the poster who said he has a right to be angry but the way he is reacting to the anger is juvenile.

What I wanted to say was tonight when he gets home he will either still be a very angry drunk or he will be a very remorseful drunk, the key word in here is drunk! He may say things tonight that he really doesn't mean so try not to dwell on what ever he says tonight. It may help if he gets it out of his system.

Good Luck I don't think you were wrong, especially after I heard he has been paying child support on time. IMO your DH is jealous and jealousy is a very hard emotion to deal with, it hurts. After all he's been there thru thick and thin and yet this guy prances in and your son is head over heels for him. And your DH is feeling like a pile of you know what. Give him space. Don't beat yourself up and don't put yourself down too much, just promise to include him next time and that you are sorry you didn't this time, but don't grovel.

 

[lillygator]

I think I'm going to call a counsoler first thing in the morning. My sister n law just called (she plays softball with us) and said they all decided not to play and they kicked back in a park and drink a few beers. Well, according to her, Charlie was extremly tipsy and he started talking about me. He was saying he was done with me (BTW Charlie is my hubby). My sister n law told him he's acting like I've cheated on him and that he's just angry. She also told him I understand my mistake and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. She said they all decided to go to a bar 30 minutes away. My hubby is driving! If he's already tipsy, he is going to get wasted (my hubby isn't a big drinker at all, but in this case he will). What do I do? My sister n law is going also and she said she'd call if he tried to drive home, but he's so freaking stubborn, he won't listen to anyone. I'm trying to stay calm about this entire thing, because I know he is speaking out of anger, but worrried to death about him driving home drunk. And I know cops will be out HEAVY tonight being a holiday weekend. I have both my kids and no sitter!!!!

I hope he stays safe and makes it home ok.

I am wondering - with this kind of reaction - is he a bit insecure about maybe how you feel regarding your ex, maybe that he could lose you?

 

[Ciao Mickey]

How well could a 2 year old remember someone? Have you been keeping his biological father's memory alive in your son's mind?

You said you had a long conversation with him. Didn't you feel guilty doing that behind your husband's back?

Sorry for being so tough with the questions but you need to step back and examine what's truly going on with you.

I know that if I took care of a child that's not mine, loved him, nutured him, supported him while his "real" father didn't want any part of him, and then the guy calls, and my wife wants to see him, without discussing it with me first, I would feel very hurt, angry and betrayed. And I would wonder WTH is going on?

You kicked your present husband to the curb as soon as this guy called. Are you sure you don't still harbor feelings for him and don't want to admit that to yourself?

Think of how your husband feels about your son's reactions to seeing his "bio" father. He's the one that's been there for him all of this time, and now this guy shows up and your son's excited to see him? Your husband probably feels very hurt right now.

Good luck and I hope you all work things out for your son's sake. But I don't think you should give this guy a free pass for being an absent father for 6 years either.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I agree with the poster who said he has a right to be angry but the way he is reacting to the anger is juvenile.

What I wanted to say was tonight when he gets home he will either still be a very angry drunk or he will be a very remorseful drunk, the key word in here is drunk! He may say things tonight that he really doesn't mean so try not to dwell on what ever he says tonight. It may help if he gets it out of his system.

Good Luck I don't think you were wrong, especially after I heard he has been paying child support on time. IMO your DH is jealous and jealousy is a very hard emotion to deal with, it hurts. After all he's been there thru thick and thin and yet this guy prances in and your son is head over heels for him. And your DH is feeling like a pile of you know what. Give him space. Don't beat yourself up and don't put yourself down too much, just promise to include him next time and that you are sorry you didn't this time, but don't grovel.

Well said. I think that anyone that has been in a similar situation (with an absentee ex)knows that this is a very hard issue to deal with. No matter how long the ex is gone he is still that child's father. I see so many women that tell the child to call the new husband dad and think that it is all ok and that the ex is gone forever... but they never are. My DH has always been there for my daughter, since she was 13 months old (she is now almost 10). He is the closest thing to a father figure that she has. But that is what he is.... a father figure not her father. My DH gets upset when her dad waltzes in after he broke up with another girlfriend and sees DD for a bit until he gets another one; but he is there to pick up the pieces when she is upset. My DD knows the difference in the one she just calls dad and the one who acts like one.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Well... I may get flamed for this, but if it does you ANY good, then I'll happily take the flames.

You did blow it by putting your son on the phone. I understand you felt he would be excited, but all kids are when it's something new or novel. It doesn't mean it's in his best interests! You need to really be honest with yourself and think about where his 'memories' of his biological father originate. I raised 2 kids and I can tell you that unless you reiterate something that happened prior to 3 years, it's gone after they turn 4. I also understand that putting your son on the phone may have fed a fantasy you've harbored that one day his dad would return and everyone would get along happily and lovingly. Again, I understand all your knee-jerk reactions to his phone call and putting your son on the phone. It just wasn't in your son's best interest at the moment and it REALLY wasn't a decision that one parent makes without the other parent, namely your DH.

What happened when you put your son on the phone? You completely disregarded the input of your son's other parent, your DH. That in and of itself is incredibly disrespectful, and probably tells your DH that even though he's raised this boy as his own for years... the boy is still 'yours' and his opinion doesn't count.

Now, had this been the first time you failed to consult him when it comes to decisions about your son, I would be really surprised. My guess is this has happened before. Deep down in your mind, do you still consider yourself the only parent who counts when it comes to your son? Why would one event (as disrespectful as it was) cause your DH to say he's had enough? My guess is this is why he made the comment about you making decisions without consulting others (him.)

Now, don't beat yourself up for making the mistake. You know what happens. You do need to see a counselor, you and hubby. Then your son needs to see a counselor. You need to understand that the man you married was and is willing to be the provider and protector. He wanted to be part of the decision to ensure bio dad's motives are good. Every time you make a decision of this magnitude without him (especially when it concerns your son) you are basically telling him his opinion doesn't matter. You are telling him HE doesn't matter. It's pretty simple. That's why he's so angry. He's not scared you're going to go back to your ex, he's ******* as **** that you put your ex's desire to speak to his son over your husband's right to weigh in on what's in the best interest of your son.

Good luck. I know this can't be easy, but you really have to get it through your head that your hubby's opinion is just as important as yours. I am not telling you to forbid your child from seeing his bio father. I am telling you that decisions regarding your son should be made by BOTH you and hubby, especially in light of how he has loved and raised that boy as his own.

by the way... you need to determine what your ex's motives are for seeing his son. For all you know he just wants to see him once or twice. That would be cruel to get his hopes up for nothing.

I'm sorry I went all Dr Laura on you... but you really need to stop everything else and get your marriage back on track. I concur with those who suggest a counselor. Immediately.

Good luck.

 

[hsmamato2]

I think that the most imporant thing is that you must do what is right for your child...not you and not your husband...and this is sometimes very hard. .

See,I respectfully disagree with this- NOTHING should be allowed to come between OP and her husband,their actual family. So if and when visits occur, it is the family that should be considered,not just one member.
Op's dh has every right to have input here,and it sounds like of course she knows that- yes, the child should see his father,under Moms terms, but every effort needs to be made to preserve the unity of the family,and stable home they have now.
I'm not a big believer in the errant parents 'rights' to drop in and out of a childs life- I grew up calling my stepfather "dad",and my bio-dad by his given name. Still do! And now,after many years,guess who gets to be the real Grampa?

 

[lillygator]

OP - thoughts are with you today, hope DH made it home ok and you were able to talk with him.

 

[swilshire]

I'm sure this will be hard on your husband, but he's just going to have to be an adult about it. I can imagine all the fears this could bring up. He may think you still have or rekindle feelings for your husband. He may feel that your son won't feel the same about him.

The child deserves a relationship with his biological Father and I'm glad your ex seems to want that. As long as you have no concerns about your ex being mentally or physically abusive to your son, you should do everything you can to enable it.

I haven't read the other responses yet, so this has probably already been suggested, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to a religious figure (pastor, priest) or counselor to work out some of your current husband's concerns.

I had to chuckle recently. My DH and I have been married 22 years. A dear friend of his found some old videos of DH and his ex-wife and was afraid to bring them out for fear that it would bother me. I might have a twinge or two, but I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over what he did more than 20 years (and another lifetime according to him) ago.

Reassure your husband that you love him. Maybe seek professional help if he's willing. But give that kid whatever he needs.

JMHO, of course.

Sheila

 

[swilshire]

I was just so confused/excited....very mixed emotions/feelings, I was not thinking about anything except how happy my son will be to know his father was on the phone. And boy was he happy!

Oops. May have to change my answer after reading this comment. It raised a red flag even with me. Sounds like there really might be some feelings there for the ex that DH picked up on.

Sheila

 

[kileybeth]

this thread just pulled me in and I read it all with mixed emotion.

6 years without contact, nearly the whole life of this child?

no 2 year old remembers unless the memories are reinforced and then only when adequately reinforced. who was keeping this memory alive? have you ever asked a family counselor how much information you should/shouldn't be giving your child?

and yes, I'm sure he was "excited" about a memory, a fantasy of who this guy is at best. he has no basis for actual real information. while you, the mom should have tons.

so he pays some money each month. so he gave a few chromosomes/genes and maybe the kiddo looks a a bit like him? have you considered what your DH has given to "your" son in comparison? and by calling him "your" son and not "our" son when you speak of your current family unit? what's up with that?

I guess I'd say you better not only apoligize but high tale it to a decent counselor to figure out why you are so ready/willing to risk a lifetime (b/c it has been virtually your sons lifetime) to set up something with this other person (biological donor) (sorry no way he is a DAD to this little guy).

and this guy has a 2 year old of his own? oh yeah, he's just thinking of what he gave up and after a bit, he'll get over it. It is hard to pay for something and not feel you have a say in it, but relationship? not there.

finally give your DH some space, lots of it, he has been betrayed and trust is a huge issue in any relationship. how will h etrust you in the future is what he is asking himself rigth now and why would he want to after putting himself out there for years for not only you but what he thought was "his son and their relationship".

sorry if this sounds harsh but maybe it will help you understand a tad bit of what your DH is feeling but is to upset to really talk about.