My Daughter Is Such A Brat...

[Sneezie]

She does know that I am angry and upset with how she chose to handle it, and she did confirm that she knew very well that it was a Christmas gift for me. She also admitted to doing it purposely because "you people shouldn't put things in my closet"

Ordinarily (as in, historically speaking) her father does ask her to hide the gifts in her room. In this instance, because she was at work, he just quickly shoved it in her closet. She was pissed off at me and wanted to ruin the surprise, just because.

She is generally a very good kid, however, lately it has been almost impossible for her to speak to us without being rude and antagonistic. Mostly she hibernates in her room and avoids having any contact with us...unless she wants us to drive her somewhere, or do something for her. Then we are the best parents ever!

My DD will be 19 next week, and I can honestly say that I can't see her even thinking she had a right to come up to me in MY house and say "you people shouldn't put things in my closet." I can not fathom this! Seriously? NO ONE (except the law) is going to tell me what I should or should not do in a house that I pay for!

I don't even think twice about going into the room that DD sleeps in and putting things into her closet. Like other posters, if she's in there, I will knock out of respect for her (in case she's changing clothes, on the phone, etc.) but that's it.

I do believe that as children grow older they deserve more privacy and respect, however I am not going to give them so much respect for their privacy that they think they can begin to disrespect me.

And FTR, if she would have come to me to ask about that cookie jar, I would have said "Aww, you found your gift!"

OP, I hope you and your daughter have worked through this issue, but I also urge you to please don't let your daughter get away with her bad behavior. It will not help her in the long run. Find out what's going on with her and if she says its nothing... demand that it stops!

 

[castmember19]

Sounds like your teen is- being a teen. Why is she spending so much time in her room with the door closed- that is what I would ask myself. I have twin 16yr olds- yes it's fun- our house rules are if you are changing door can close, otherwise they stay open end of story. that is so everyone can know what is going on. I go in all 3 of my girls rooms- looking for stuff, going thru things looking for stuff-
my kids know that if they try to spend too much time in their room or with headphones in their ears, they will get taken away and they will be told go do something else, prefer- with sisters.

Really? I can't even imagine. I always have my door closed, for some reason I just can't stand for it to be open. My parents are loud, sometimes I need to study, sometimes I'm watching tv and can't hear over the living room tv or my dads podcasts, sometimes I want to nap, or even just want quiet alone time. If you can't have quiet time to yourself at home, where can you?

 

[disykat]

My DD will be 19 next week, and I can honestly say that I can't see her even thinking she had a right to come up to me in MY house and say "you people shouldn't put things in my closet." I can not fathom this! Seriously? NO ONE (except the law) is going to tell me what I should or should not do in a house that I pay for!

I don't even think twice about going into the room that DD sleeps in and putting things into her closet. Like other posters, if she's in there, I will knock out of respect for her (in case she's changing clothes, on the phone, etc.) but that's it.

I do believe that as children grow older they deserve more privacy and respect, however I am not going to give them so much respect for their privacy that they think they can begin to disrespect me.

And FTR, if she would have come to me to ask about that cookie jar, I would have said "Aww, you found your gift!" :rolleyes1

OP, I hope you and your daughter have worked through this issue, but I also urge you to please don't let your daughter get away with her bad behavior. It will not help her in the long run. Find out what's going on with her and if she says its nothing... demand that it stops!

Great post!

I have a 17 yo and a 19 yo. Both expect and give (most of the time) respect and privacy. Neither expect that I won't enter their room. They can walk into my room (yes, even my closet) if I'm not in there and I can walk into theirs. The honest truth is that my kids have way more privacy than I do. They each have their own room with their own closet, I share both!

I would not want to live in a home that had a "never go in this room without permission" policy.

I'm surprised not one has mentioned Columbine yet. I remember how shocked many people were that the kids had weapons stored openly in their bedrooms and the parents hadn't noticed. At the time, many people felt those parents were negligent for not being aware of weapons in plain sight. It seems that according to many here, those parents should be given kudos for giving their teens privacy!

 

[Aliceacc]

I think there's a HUGE difference between "acting like a teen" and what this young lady did.

And, for the record, I've taught high school since 1980. Such a blatant lack of caring for her mom, for her dad, for the tradtions of the family-- these are NOT the hallmarks of teenage behavior. To assume it is insults each and every other teenager who DOESN'T behave with such vicious disregard for others. She was WAY over the line. As far as the "you people" line... ouch.

Privacy is one thing. But if she wants the kind of privacy she's talking about, I would show her all the apartments for rent in the local paper. Rest assured: if she has her own apartment, no one will go into her closet. Then again, no one will make her dinner, do her laundry, or give her Tylenol when she's sick. I'm guessing she's a high school Senior? Does that job of hers pay well enough that it will cover all the big expenses coming up in her life?

If there was a fire, and dad entered her room to save her most precious possession-- THEN would it have been OK to enter without asking?? Or if she left her windows open and a huge storm came up-- could dad enter her room to protect the computer that was in danger of being ruined by rain?? Or is her privacy the most important issue here?

It's a tradeoff. You want to be part of a loving, caring family? Then you have to give a little bit. And allowing dad to enter your inner sanctum and place a package into your closet when you're not home doesn't seem all that large an invasion. She could have made the exact same point by replacing the words "cookie jar" with "present."

I would let it go for the next two days.

But on Monday morning, nice and early, we would be having quite a chat-- about family, about respect, about kindness, and about her place in the cosmos. She is apparently under the misguided assumption that she's at its center.

I'm sure she's a good kid, and just need some "recentering." But she was wrong, very wrong. And she owes both the OP and her husband quite an apology.

 

[kamik86]

I can kind of see both sides of this one. My parents didn't give me a ton of privacy as a kid, heck my bedroom never had a real door on it (due to the way the room is laid out you can't have a normal door and other kinds, like the slider I have on my bedroom apartment now for the same reason) would have been too much of a pain to install, but the way the room was shaped you couldn't see much of the room until you were standing in it.

I also didn't have a closet. The house actually didn't have any closets so we had wardrobes and dressers to put things in.

My parents never hid things in our rooms without asking though (although I did Dad's presents sometimes hidden for mom). My parents would knock before they entered my room most of the time (Mom didn't always but Dad would every time). They also didn't come in my room unless they were doing something specific so if something was hidden they wouldn't just find it unless I put it in a dumb place (Mom would leave clothes on my bed, Dad would go in because the opening to the crawl space was from my room)

 

[Aliceacc]

Most 17 year old girls are brats and 17 year old boys are punks

Not true. They all have their moments, and this thread is about one particular moment.

But over the years I've seen some remarkably selfless acts of kindness from teenagers.

Most 17 year olds are like most other people. They sometimes need a reminder that the world does not revolve around them.

But they're neither "brats" nor "punks" aside from those moments.

 

[Acklander]

Great post!

I have a 17 yo and a 19 yo. Both expect and give (most of the time) respect and privacy. Neither expect that I won't enter their room. They can walk into my room (yes, even my closet) if I'm not in there and I can walk into theirs.

I'm surprised not one has mentioned Columbine yet. I remember how shocked many people were that the kids had weapons stored openly in their bedrooms and the parents hadn't noticed. At the time, many people felt those parents were negligent for not being aware of weapons in plain sight. It seems that according to many here, those parents should be given kudos for giving their teens privacy!

There is a big difference between the troubled kids at columbine who had several run ins with police and had made numerous threats to killing people and a 17 year old not wanting someone in her closet without asking her first.
Pretty much everyone who thinks their should be some respect for privacy has stated that, unless there are problems with the teens, you should allow them some privacy. Since the OP didn't mention any problems with drugs, weapons, alcohol, threats of violence, or anti social behavior I'll go out on a limb here and assume were talking about a teen with her nose bent out of shape retaliating in a passive aggressive way. To link the incident with the actions at columbine is the same as suspending a 6 year old from school for sexual harassment and placing him on the sex offenders list because he kissed another 6 year old.
Like I said previously, what she did was crappy, but if it was my 17 year old, I'd be more concerned about the passive/aggressive behavior and working with her on communication skills.

 

[MELSMICE]

I always find it disheartening when so many people buy into the idea that teens are automatically going to be rude, disrespectful, jealous of their space/possessions, and otherwise just difficult. At 14 and 17, my girls are not like that at all. They're a joy 98% of the time, and that's as much as anyone can ask of a human being. We really like the young ladies they're turning out to be -- kind, helpful, responsible, good students, able to carry on a conversation with adults -- and all of us enjoy spending time together.

I see these same traits in many of their friends. My girls aren't the only "good teens" out there.

I have to agree. Mine have also been good 98% of the time, but they have their moments, just like the OP's daughter did.

As a teen I really didn't test the waters too much & really didn't get in any trouble. I maybe did 3 or 4 really stupid things, which was enough for me anyway. However, sometimes I could be a real witch with a capital "B" when I was home!

I think everyone has their moments & even the best kids show their bad side at times.

Most 17 year olds are like most other people. They sometimes need a reminder that the world does not revolve around them.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[disney1990]

I would have never hid something in my teenage daughter's closet without letting her know that I was going to put it there.

Sorry your surprise was ruined.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

While I realize that this is the Dis and that people enjoy the discussion and the debating and that's why this is still at the top of page one, I'm sincerely hoping that the OP has moved past it.

It's Christmas Eve. Anyone who is lucky enough to be with their families right now should be embracing that and putting aside the minor irritations that may have momentarily caused hurt feelings. I'm not taking away from the OP's initial feeling and need to vent, but I really hope you're not still stewing over it.

We've all done something that has hurt someone's feelings and for the most part I would think we'd go back and undo it if we could. I'm sure your daughter feels the same way, and refusing to let it go is not going to help the relationship. I'm not assuming either way that you're doing that... I'm just throwing it out there.

Spending twelve pages talking about what a brat someone else's child is doesn't really scream FA LA LA to me.

 

[disney1990]

While I realize that this is the Dis and that people enjoy the discussion and the debating and that's why this is still at the top of page one, I'm sincerely hoping that the OP has moved past it.

It's Christmas Eve. Anyone who is lucky enough to be with their families right now should be embracing that and putting aside the minor irritations that may have momentarily caused hurt feelings. I'm not taking away from the OP's initial feeling and need to vent, but I really hope you're not still stewing over it.

We've all done something that has hurt someone's feelings and for the most part I would think we'd go back and undo it if we could. I'm sure your daughter feels the same way, and refusing to let it go is not going to help the relationship. I'm not assuming either way that you're doing that... I'm just throwing it out there.

Spending twelve pages talking about what a brat someone else's child is doesn't really scream FA LA LA to me.

I was looking for the "LIKE" button.

 

[my3sonsagn]

Did this confrontation happen when she came home from work? Maybe it had something to do with being tired and her nerves were already frayed (especially if her work involves dealing with the public pre-holidays).

When my oldest son (now 17, so you have my sympathy lol) hit the teen years our pediatrician told me to "Always remember that teenagers, like toddlers, can get VERY cranky when they're overtired." Sure enough, every time DS17 has had an emotional outburst (you know, the ones that leave you looking around like "where the #%$$%$ did THAT come from???") he has immediately been contrite as soon as he's had a short break. He told me once (at about 15) that he could feel himself losing control but didn't know how to stop it. As the years have gone by he has gotten better at recognizing the warning signs and now (mostly) he'll say "I need a few minutes" and go to his room or out for a walk before getting to the meltdown point, and I know to let him.

I'm so sorry that she had a meltdown-moment right then; I bet she really does feel awful about it now that she's calmed down. I hope the rest of your Christmas is wonderful!

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

The kid knew exactly what she was doing, ruining a Christmas surprise because the people who pay for every single thing she has had the audacity to hide a Christmas gift in her closet without asking Her Highness's permission.

And then she turns it around when she needs a ride that she has the best parents in the world.

The kid would be doing a lot of walking if she were mine.

Have you been hiding in my house?? My girls are SO mean to me (yes, I said mean and it's true), but when they want/need something, you would think they were hand delivered by Jesus himself as divine angels. Makes me SO mad.
And those with little ones, ENJOY IT. Seriously. I wish someone would have given me a heads up about how very precious those days are.

 

[luvmy3]

Sounds like your teen is- being a teen. Why is she spending so much time in her room with the door closed- that is what I would ask myself. I have twin 16yr olds- yes it's fun- our house rules are if you are changing door can close, otherwise they stay open end of story. that is so everyone can know what is going on. I go in all 3 of my girls rooms- looking for stuff, going thru things looking for stuff-
my kids know that if they try to spend too much time in their room or with headphones in their ears, they will get taken away and they will be told go do something else, prefer- with sisters.

I think your DD was being a brat and needs to address what respect your parents mean!

OMG are you serious? I try not to judge other people's parenting but this post ha me scratching my head. What do you think they are doing in there that is so bad that you don't allow them to have their door closed?
Unless you have caught your 16 year olds shooting heroin, smoking pot, having sex, playing with fiearms, alone or with someone, forcing them to keep their door open at all times unless changing is absolutely ridiculous.

 

[FayeW]

Merry Christmas Eve, Everyone!

Thank you to everyone who posted, and especially to those who understood why I felt sad and hurt. It wasn't about the cookie jar, or the surprise being "ruined";it was 100% about how I my feelings were hurt because my daughter was just intentionally mean. It was just so...random. I was kind of shocked when I started this thread, kinda "why did she just do that"?!?

My daughter is a very good girl, and we are very lucky, and grateful, that she is generally reliable, responsible, doesn't drink or take drugs, etc. She is a good and loyal friend. She has many redeeming and admirable qualities, but the reality is that she and I don't get along very well. She found a passive aggressive way to get back at me because she didn't get her way about something earlier in the evening (very minor, I might add).

The incident is over, no lasting effects. It was a crappy thing for her to do, she apologized, we've moved on. It hasn't ruined Christmas or anything even remotely close. It just made me sad that my daughter was purposely mean without provocation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Don't know even why I am here on Christmas Eve... Well, my pie is in the oven and I am taking a break, but...

Yes, most, and I say most, not all, teens can have their moments!!!
It is not that all teens are incredible brats.
And, it is not that I would expect all teens to always be perfect.

The hallmark of any thread gone wild is when opposite sides have all resorted to complete exaggerations to try to make their point.

My thoughts are based on the fact that I believe that this 'MOMENT' must have happened based on a history of issues where this teen feels disrespected. And, the very title of this post would be evidence #1.

I do hope that all sides and step back, take a look at the bigger issues, and come to some better understandings about respect and personal boundaries.

I hope that they are enjoying their Christmas holiday!!!

 

[mjkacmom]

I think there's a HUGE difference between "acting like a teen" and what this young lady did.

And, for the record, I've taught high school since 1980. Such a blatant lack of caring for her mom, for her dad, for the tradtions of the family-- these are NOT the hallmarks of teenage behavior. To assume it is insults each and every other teenager who DOESN'T behave with such vicious disregard for others. She was WAY over the line. As far as the "you people" line... ouch.
.

Teaching HS does not prepare you, in any way, to have a teenaged daughter. My dd's teachers, her friends' parents, pretty much anyone who has ever met her, thinks she is delightful. If she ever got in trouble in school, I'd be shocked. However, even at 15 1/2, she will still have infrequent temper tantrums, that she will only have in front of us. Irrational, hormonal, pathetic.

The OP's dd apologized, and mentioned that she was mad about something else, which was why she acted like she did.

Good luck raising one, instead of teacher one.

 

[Robinrs]

Merry Christmas Eve, Everyone!

Thank you to everyone who posted, and especially to those who understood why I felt sad and hurt. It wasn't about the cookie jar, or the surprise being "ruined";it was 100% about how I my feelings were hurt because my daughter was just intentionally mean. It was just so...random. I was kind of shocked when I started this thread, kinda "why did she just do that"?!?

My daughter is a very good girl, and we are very lucky, and grateful, that she is generally reliable, responsible, doesn't drink or take drugs, etc. She is a good and loyal friend. She has many redeeming and admirable qualities, but the reality is that she and I don't get along very well. She found a passive aggressive way to get back at me because she didn't get her way about something earlier in the evening (very minor, I might add).

The incident is over, no lasting effects. It was a crappy thing for her to do, she apologized, we've moved on. It hasn't ruined Christmas or anything even remotely close. It just made me sad that my daughter was purposely mean without provocation.

Glad you posted!

Merry Christmas, Faye and Family!!

 

[FayeW]

My thoughts are based on the fact that I believe that this 'MOMENT' must have happened based on a history of issues where this teen feels disrespected.
!

You are correct, she does feel disrespected a great deal of the time.

However, to paraphase Inigo Montoya, "She keeps using that word...I do not think it means what she thinks it means". Sometimes she feels that we are being disrespectful when she is told to clean up a mess she made, or put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the counter.

I did have a conversation with her last week when I asked her if there was any particular reason that she was speaking to us so rudely, lately. She said "You people are speaking to me disrespectfully". I told her that there is a difference between disrespect, and simply not liking what you are hearing. The reality is she doesn't want to be called back to clean up a mess, or asked to do a chore, or asked to do anything to help out. When we call her out of her room to help with something, it's generally something that needs to be done on a timeline and she considers it "disrespectful" to not give her 2 days written notice that she's going to be asked empty the dishwasher!

Basically, she wants to do whatever she wants to do, whenever she wants to do it. Asking her to do otherwise is "disrespectful". We, on the other hand, are expected to drop everything, stop what we are doing, whether it's the middle of preparing supper or whatever, and pick her up or drive her friends home. Being told "wait, I'm in the middle of something" or to take the bus ( which stops 75 feet from our front door, and for which she has a bus pass that costs me $85 per month) is also "disrespectful".

I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what she hears.

 

[Bonniec]

I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what she hears.

Love that!