My college freshman is miserable. (sob) LONG

[CraftyMouse]

I am just back from taking my child to college. This is something the dean said to the parents.

You will get a call from your student. It will sound catastrophic. The student will be miserable, the problem will be huge, the crisis insurmountable. Then they will go eat pizza. You will worry for days, but all they really needed was to vent. So, when the call comes, listen, then hang up, and the parent go eat pizza.

What a wise, wise man/woman!

 

[eliza61]

I cannot tell you all what a source of comfort each and every one of you has been to us with your support and sharing your experiences. I love hearing all your stories and it truly has helped.

Just to answer some of the questions: I do think he is exagerrating the drinking part a bit but I think it stems from his feeling so disconnected as well.

The school he's going to is Duquesne University in Pittsburgh --8 hours away from us here in CT. He got accepted into Pitt and Syracuse as well. DH and I both favored Syracuse and many of his friends were also going there, but he didn't want to go there.

As someone mentioned, I do think the orientation is just a little too long--at least for him. They've had almost an entire week of it. But tomorrow he starts classes so I'm praying that will help a lot. Please pray for him as well if you can find it in your hearts.

Again, thanks so much for your support. It is truly helping me get through this.

Hey, I'm a Pitt grad.
Op, your son is at a great school, in a great city. When I first got to Pitt, I hated it also. First, I was from Manhattan and Pittsburgh seemed like a little hole in the ground compared to NYC.

I'm going with a lot of the other posters. Encourage him to seek out activities and friends. I was a 12 year Catholic school refugee, not all of Duquense, Pitt or CMU is made up of underage boozers and partiers. Unfortunately just like in real life, they seem to be the loudest .

Homecomings should be rolling around in October and I know at Pitt there were always lots of organized events in September & October on campus.

Good luck & keep being encouraging. I'm very glad that my parents encouraged me to leave my comfort level and get a taste of standing on my own.

 

[ellyn2000]

I went through the same thing with DD her freshman year. Her school is a Baptist University and they screen freshmen early in the semester to identify any issues that could harm them later on. She was referred to a "counselor" and told she had to have one appt. at least. It helped her so much that she continued seeing her all year and still loves to get together to catch up. He'll make his own way soon enough. My sons both joined the military, so I didn't go through this with them. Just keep the communication open and let him try to work through it on his own before you press forward.

 

[EdiePA]

to have a surrogate DIS Mom or big brother? I live in the Oakland section of Pittsburgh and my son is a second year dental student at Pitt.

If he needs someone to talk to or a home-cooked meal, we could be there for him.

I remember feeling the same way as a transfer student to Pitt over thirty years ago. Once classes started, I found my niche. I ended up loving Pittsburgh so much, I moved back here not quite two years ago.

It's tough to be a mom -- I've gone through this with two sons, but they survived their college years and thrived.

Big hugs,
Edie

 

[TimeforMe]

to have a surrogate DIS Mom or big brother? I live in the Oakland section of Pittsburgh and my son is a second year dental student at Pitt.

If he needs someone to talk to or a home-cooked meal, we could be there for him.

I remember feeling the same way as a transfer student to Pitt over thirty years ago. Once classes started, I found my niche. I ended up loving Pittsburgh so much, I moved back here not quite two years ago.

It's tough to be a mom -- I've gone through this with two sons, but they survived their college years and thrived.

Big hugs,
Edie

You guys are absolutely unbelievable! The kindness of strangers here on the DIS never ceases to amaze me. What a nice gesture you have made! Knowing DS and how shy he is at times, he would be outraged if he even knew I was "talking" about it here, let alone tell him he's invited somewhere. But I so so so appreciate your offer and will keep it in mind should he come around a bit. Thank you again for you kind and generous offer. And by the way, I really liked Pittsburgh and the area surrounding.

One thing I have stressed with him is that he is not alone in feeling the way he does, but of course none of the kids share those kinds of feelings so he thinks he is.

Last we spoke, he was planning on playing intramural sports. I hope he still does. When he was in high school he played soccer, basketball and baseball (and fencing, too.) so I KNOW he really misses being involved and part of a team.

I think I'm going to text him soon and see how he's doing. The school had some sort of entertainment set up for tonight so hopefully he's at it. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again to all you wonderful people here on the DIS. It has helped tremendously.

 

[PenguinWaiters]

Hi,

I second most of the advice you have already received. I have spent most of my professional life working with first year student issues - know that this is NOT unusual.

Joining clubs/organizations and making contacts with faculty and staff can really help. Are there student leaders that work with first year students during this first week of activities? My school has peer leaders that work to help new students make connections. Even if he hasn't connected well with students that are working with him (like his RA) he could talk to them about helping him find other students with his interests. Also, he should definately stop by the Campus Ministries office and/or Counseling or Support Services office - just to get to know the staff there and have someone to talk to. Believe me, that is what they are there for - I spent LOTS of time just listening to students tell me what they were thinking/feeling in those first few weeks.

OK, having said all of that, and really thinking that this is a crisis that will pass for him, I also feel that you should know this too - it's not too late for him to make a change. There are many schools that don't begin classes until early-mid September and he may be able to change schools now if he is truly miserable. Our freshmen arrive next weekend and every year we always have 1-2 students join us who have just spent a miserable week at another school and decided that was not for them. If things don't improve for your son you may want to talk this over with him. Changing now avoids all those credit transfer issues and would also keep him eligible for first time student financial aid which is often much better than transfer aid. But only you and he can decide if he really wants to explore that option.

Good luck!

Terri

 

[disney1990]

We took our DD to Syracuse about a month ago -- she is a transfer student. When we moved her into her off campus apartment, her roommate had not arrived yet. (Her roommate is living nearby at her boyfriend's apt.) When we got ready to come back home, she was so down it was hard for me to get in the car and drive home -- leaving her 8 hours away. She has been so up and down over the last 30 days. She didn't know anybody and was miserable. Well, over the last 4 weeks, her mood has steadily improved. She has orientation yesterday, pickup up her id and books ($700) today and starts classes tomorrow. And, according to her facebook page today is "looking forward to the future".

Good luck, hopefully life will settle down for your son and his year will go well.

 

[Buckalew11]

to have a surrogate DIS Mom or big brother? I live in the Oakland section of Pittsburgh and my son is a second year dental student at Pitt.

If he needs someone to talk to or a home-cooked meal, we could be there for him.

I remember feeling the same way as a transfer student to Pitt over thirty years ago. Once classes started, I found my niche. I ended up loving Pittsburgh so much, I moved back here not quite two years ago.

It's tough to be a mom -- I've gone through this with two sons, but they survived their college years and thrived.

Big hugs,
Edie

Aww.. I love this post. This is such a kind offer.

You guys are absolutely unbelievable! The kindness of strangers here on the DIS never ceases to amaze me. What a nice gesture you have made! Knowing DS and how shy he is at times, he would be outraged if he even knew I was "talking" about it here, let alone tell him he's invited somewhere. But I so so so appreciate your offer and will keep it in mind should he come around a bit. Thank you again for you kind and generous offer. And by the way, I really liked Pittsburgh and the area surrounding.

One thing I have stressed with him is that he is not alone in feeling the way he does, but of course none of the kids share those kinds of feelings so he thinks he is.

Last we spoke, he was planning on playing intramural sports. I hope he still does. When he was in high school he played soccer, basketball and baseball (and fencing, too.) so I KNOW he really misses being involved and part of a team.

I think I'm going to text him soon and see how he's doing. The school had some sort of entertainment set up for tonight so hopefully he's at it. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again to all you wonderful people here on the DIS. It has helped tremendously.

You know, Edie's been around here a little longer than me but she has always been so nice like this. I'm not even surprised to see her offer such a thoughtful gesture. It is nice to know that if push came to shove someone could help him out in a bind.

I do not have one in college yet. I do, however, make myself available to a lot of the kids at our college. I attend their ballgames and cheer them on as if they are mine. I've gone and bought them stuff when they were sick, DH has gone to the hospital or surgery center when someone has had surgery and sat with their family and helped them while they are in town. I've took meals and given hugs and gotten hugs.
I think we all benefit from it! Once they've graduated, we now get to attend weddings! LOL We actually have a program where you can "adopt" a student but I've never done that...yet.

 

[disney1990]

Aww.. I love this post. This is such a kind offer.





You know, Edie's been around here a little longer than me but she has always been so nice like this. I'm not even surprised to see her offer such a thoughtful gesture. It is nice to know that if push came to shove someone could help him out in a bind.

I do not have one in college yet. I do, however, make myself available to a lot of the kids at our college. I attend their ballgames and cheer them on as if they are mine. I've gone and bought them stuff when they were sick, DH has gone to the hospital or surgery center when someone has had surgery and sat with their family and helped them while they are in town. I've took meals and given hugs and gotten hugs.
I think we all benefit from it! Once they've graduated, we now get to attend weddings! LOL We actually have a program where you can "adopt" a student but I've never done that...yet.

I think this is a great idea. They do this at places like the Naval Academy in Annapolis and it works will. Families adopt the students and have them over for holidays and weekend. It provides stability in their lives. Some friends of ours have been doing this for years. They keep in touch with these "kids" after they graduae from the academy and even go on to attend their weddings in years to come.

 

[KPeterso]

I agree with other posters that he needs to give it time. I had a terrible first few weeks of freshman year. I had probably one of the worst roomates anyone could ever have had freshman year. To this day, I have special names that I use to refer to her. She really was just that bad. Once classes started, I found friends more like me. Non-drinker, non-smoker, a little introverted and quiet, but tons of fun to be around. And truth be told, my two closest friends when I graduated, I did not meet until even later. One who transferred in sophmore year and one who I did not have class with until second semester freshman year. It takes time and there is definitely a bit of an adjustment period. I went from being an only child at home with 2 doting parents to alone with a crazy roomate. And I could not just run home. I went to school in NY and home was IL at that time. I think that made the situation with the roomate harder.

 

[RAZ24]

Another Pittsburgher here! Originally from Westchester county, NY. Went to school at Duquesne, and wound up loving it here. Met my DH at Duquesne (he was also from out of state) My son and now daughter are going to school in Ohio. They didn't want to go to Duquesne because A) their parents went there and B) It would be like thirteenth grade for them. They know SO MANY kids that go there. Good kids!!

Does he like hockey? When the Pens play, the students get in line for very cheap tickets right before the game. It is walking distance.

All will work out. Intramural sports is a great idea!

I wish him luck.

Christine

 

[scottishduffy]

I remember freshmand year of college being terribly shy. I had come out of 12 years of private schooling with a senior class of 60 and was thrown into a public university with 40,000 kids.

I really had to force myself to hang out with people i usually might not speak to. But they got me out of my house and led to my eventual niche in the college world. Strangely enough, a couple of them I am still friends with 10 years later.... one was my Maid of Honor at my wedding. Let me tell you one of the Best kept secrets at my school for socialiizing. Outside of intramural sports, clubs, and dorm events one of the BEST places to meet people is.... **drumroll***...... THE LAUNDRY ROOM.

Seriously. We were sitting there for a couple hours watching our stuff in the machines. Everyone is bored, waiting for stuff to wash and dry, and people just start chatting. It was the BEST way to chat with people, find a wide variety of people (everyone has to do laundry), and make plans to hang out later. Everyone is casual and relaxed in the laundry room. So tell that boy to go do some laundry! Stay there with his clothes (quite a few people do) and make small talk. It works, I met many friends in the laundry room. A LOT of people figured out the laundry room was *Hopping* with tons of people at certain hours and it was a serious social venue for some of the more serious folk.

My Husband has less productive advice: Take up smoking! (JK) He says he met ALL his college buddies by hanging out by the smoking table. Everyone is relaxed and they have to hang outside with each other (no smoking indoors). They all socialized. Now, I am not *really* saying your son should smoke cigarettes. But if he maybe studied outside near that table.... well, it is usually a large diverse group of guys who are all very cool and relaxed. Once again, My hubby is NOT a smoker but he 'hung out' with that large group and made many friends we still keep in touch with. (P.S. All of them have now quit smoking.... seriously they all took it up just to have an excuse to hang outside and talk to people and quit within 2 yrs)

It took about a year for my Hubby and I to find our eventual permanent social groups where we met each other. He will eventually find his little zone. He will go through lots of different groups and friends this year but he will find his spot. It just takes time!

 

[TimeforMe]

B) It would be like thirteenth grade for them. They know SO MANY kids that go there. Good kids!!

Christine

Ah ha! I knew it. I wish we had known this beforehand. I'm really trying to stay positive.

We just texted and while he still says he had a bad day, he did participate in the activities. I'll take that as a good sign. Baby steps for now....

 

[georgina]

Yeah, a lot of Pittsburgh kids tend to stay close to home. Not mine, we'll be taking her 4 hours away this week. It wasn't her first choice either, but she is excited to go. I'm sure things will get better for your S as the term progresses. Good luck!

 

[Carpenters]

Both of my older sisters gave me the advice of getting out of my dorm room for part of the evening every night no matter what, and it was great advice. You have to force yourself to go to the common room, lobby, cafeteria, laundry room (good one!) or front steps of the dorm--wherever is available and remain there for at least a little while even if it feels awkward at first because you are alone and don't know anybody. Eventually, someone speaks to you, and that person could become a friend. It really works. I'm not an outgoing person, but I made friends for life in college just by putting myself out there for a little while each evening my freshman year. That was 29 years ago, by the way. My oldest child is starting his freshman year of college tomorrow!

 

[barkley]

I think this is a great idea. They do this at places like the Naval Academy in Annapolis and it works will. Families adopt the students and have them over for holidays and weekend. It provides stability in their lives. Some friends of ours have been doing this for years. They keep in touch with these "kids" after they graduae from the academy and even go on to attend their weddings in years to come.

the school a friend's son attends does something similar. since it's a religious school where all the students attend church they get volunteer families in the church to 'adopt' the students. they will call and see if they need anything or transportation off campus, just check in to see how they are doing, let them know about activities and events at the church and in the community-and have them over for home cooked meals. i think it's as beneficial to the parents as the students-it provides them with a local person they can touch bases with and who can often reassure them when they've received one of those worrysome (but likely 'solved by pizza' ) messages.

 

[TimeforMe]

UPDATE: So DS had his first classes today and I couldn't resist to call and see how they went. The conversation went like this-- Me: Hi honey, how was your first day of classes? How are you today? DS: "Fine". (I'm just elated that he doesn't say "bad" like he has every other time I've asked) Me: What time was your first class? DS: 10 Me: Did you eat lunch today? DS: yeah. Me: At the cafeteria or in your dorm room? DS: dorm. You get the gist. It was literally like pulling teeth to get him to talk--he was giving me absolutely nothing. But on the bright side, he "seemed" to somewhat like the classes ("fine") and he didn't seem *as miserable*. So I've decided not to call him for a few days and see how that plays out. *SIGH*

 

[Loverly]

Your conversation sounds like the one I had with my son who lives in your area, yesterday. It's like pulling teeth to get information sometimes-isn't it?

Hopefully things will get better every day

 

[Kitty 34]

As someone mentioned, I do think the orientation is just a little too long--at least for him. They've had almost an entire week of it. But tomorrow he starts classes so I'm praying that will help a lot. Please pray for him as well if you can find it in your hearts.

Again, thanks so much for your support. It is truly helping me get through this.

I agree. I think a week is a bit long for orientation. Get the classes started, get them going on their schedule can be the most thereputic for Freshmen.

My middle son is starting his senior and he would agree with me. What was odd about his orientation was that it took place at a camp miles away from the campus. Here Michael, had just moved on campus to be taken away for a week and thrown in a cabin with a bunch of other Freshmen. He liked his first week of classes SO much better than that week of camp.

Good luck to your son and I will also say a prayer for him.

to you Mom.

 

[Saphire]

Ahhh...sons, gotta love them. I will continue to pray for yours, TimeforMe. I think you could say he is making a little progress. Hang in there!