My college freshman is miserable. (sob) LONG

[juligrl]

DS wouldn't even go check the school out beforehand so when we brought him there for freshman orientation, that was the first time any of us had seen it. And you're right, he absolutely doesn't want to be there, but it was the school he chose. Money wasn't the issue and we told him that repeatedly but his feeling was that he didn't get into his first choices of schools so what difference did it make where he actually ended up going. In hindsight, it made a huge difference.

I cannot tell you all what a source of comfort each and every one of you has been to us with your support and sharing your experiences. I love hearing all your stories and it truly has helped.

Just to answer some of the questions: I do think he is exagerrating the drinking part a bit but I think it stems from his feeling so disconnected as well.

The school he's going to is Duquesne University in Pittsburgh --8 hours away from us here in CT. He got accepted into Pitt and Syracuse as well. DH and I both favored Syracuse and many of his friends were also going there, but he didn't want to go there.

OK---a little update. Before going to bed last night, I texted him just to say good night, I love you, etc. He texted back with "I need help". That was it--I immediately called him and could hear the misery in his voice. His dad and I both talked to him an tried to explain that he had to give it time, wait until classes start, etc. but then he cut us off saying he was going to bed. He did mention that he was in his room (by himself) for a good part of the day because he couldn't find his group to do a tour of the city and didn't know what else to do. Last night they had a dance and he didn't go to that either. (which is fine because he's not dance type of kid). So anyway, there was no way I could sleep after that so I texted him and we ended up having a very positive conversation that way. (silly I know, but I'll take it anyway I can get it) I told him how proud I was of him for having such high standards but that he shouldn't judge people, he needed to lighten up a bit and force himself to engage. He was much more receptive and ended the conversation telling me he loved me. I felt much better after that and I think he did, too.

As someone mentioned, I do think the orientation is just a little too long--at least for him. They've had almost an entire week of it. But tomorrow he starts classes so I'm praying that will help a lot. Please pray for him as well if you can find it in your hearts.

Again, thanks so much for your support. It is truly helping me get through this.

Aha! I guessed Duquesne when you said 8 hours from CT!

I'm sorry your son and you are feeling like this - to you both. I'm hoping and thinking things will look brighter after classes start. I'll say a little prayer for him (and you) if you think it will help.

Some very good friends of our family actually have two sons at Duquesne right now - one is a senior the other a freshman. I'm sure when classes start and he starts expanding his social circle (running into guys like these two - all-around good guys) his impressions of the school will change.

What's he studying? Just curious.

 

[minniecarousel]

Some guys are mono-sylabic grunters when they don't initiate the phone call! My older son is still like that - and he's 28 years old!! He's quite the talker if he makes the call.

I like your idea of not calling him for a few days. You know, how they used to tell us that our toddlers (or babies) would cry when we'd drop them off, at say, the babysitters. It broke our hearts! But they were fine 2 minutes after we left! I think a college freshman is like that. We imagine that they are downright miserable - making us miserable and frantic for them! But they are getting by & somehow coping.

Hang in there. They never said this job (motherhood) would be easy.

 

[TimeforMe]

What was odd about his orientation was that it took place at a camp miles away from the campus.

Good luck to your son and I will also say a prayer for him.

to you Mom.

My friend's DS' school did this to--I believe it's Indiana? Thanks for your kind words.

Aha! I guessed Duquesne when you said 8 hours from CT!

What's he studying? Just curious.

Political Science

I like your idea of not calling him for a few days. You know, how they used to tell us that our toddlers (or babies) would cry when we'd drop them off, at say, the babysitters. It broke our hearts! But they were fine 2 minutes after we left! I think a college freshman is like that. We imagine that they are downright miserable - making us miserable and frantic for them! But they are getting by & somehow coping.

Hang in there. They never said this job (motherhood) would be easy.

That was my line of thinking, too. Plus I am so emotionally (and physically since I started back to work this week) exhausted that I simply cannot deal with him anymore.

Ahhh...sons, gotta love them. I will continue to pray for yours, TimeforMe. I think you could say he is making a little progress. Hang in there!

Thanks

Well, I also have a small, not-so-good update. When I got home from work I happened to look at my cell phone and noticed I had a text msg. from him that he had sent me last night, but I somehow missed. It said "I want to go to Maryland". OK. Not sure what that meant since UMD was one of the schools I encouraged him to apply and he would have no part of it. Turns out one of his best friends goes there and since it's relatively close to D.C., he decides he wants to go there. I tell him to call me on the phone and I just mention that I had wanted him to apply there from the beginning and he had to stick it out at DU for awhile. He hung up on me and then sent me a nasty text saying that he knew that and I pissed him off. So...............I'm done for now. He will know, if he hasn't already figured it out, that disrespect and downright rudeness will not be tolerated and he needs to stop acting like a four year old. I just need a break from him for a little bit. I can't even imagine what this 3-day weekend coming up will bring.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

{{hugs}} to you, OP.

I don't know how I would react if I was in your shoes. You are being so strong.

 

[shortbun]

Does he email? Boys tend to say more when not forced to 'talk.' You could even learn to text!!! I see that you do text; maybe you shouldn't. He sounds miserable. Stay firm, he might make some friends soon and all will be well. If not, you can discuss transfer.

 

[EmmersIsTheMommy]

My mom always told me that college was weird for some people.

And this is generalization, so no one jump on me..but she said it seems to be harder for people who were previously popular to go to a new school and 'start over'.

While sometimes it's easier for the 'nobody's' to go to college and 'start over' and come out of their shells.

I know a lot of popular kids from HS who FREAKED when it was over.

I hope he realizes that he's already here and he may as well make the best of it for his sake and yours

 

[Feralpeg]

OP, is your son on Facebook? If so, I'd be happy to have my daughter friend him. Maybe it would help to talk to someone who has gone through the whole freshman thing. A lot of the kids use Facebook to join groups of kids with similar interests and just stay in touch.

I'm sure he will be fine. If you'd like me to have my daughter friend him, just let me know.

 

[Saphire]

Our daughter also wanted to transfer almost immediately. She said she didn't fit in with the 'type' of student that went there. She even looked into other schools and started making phone calls to see about transfering, but we enouraged her to wait until 2nd semester. We told her to hang in there and at least do the first semester work, as we were already paying for it. Then she could at least use those credits. In the meantime, we told her, she may start to feel better and get used to the school (and being away from home).

I wrote about this last spring on the Community board. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1817312&page=1&highlight= It really was one of the toughest things we ever went through with her. I completely understand your angst and your worry and frustration. We kept asking her to please just try to make it until Christmas. We really hoped that she just needed time. And that was exactly what she needed. I realize many students transfer soon after starting and I do not judge that at all. I only have sympathy for those students and parents going through it.

 

[chirurgeon]

OP, Pittsburgh is a wonderful town. I may be a little biased of course. If you have any questions about my home town, I'd be happy to answer them. And we will have your DS converted to being Steeler Fan in no time at all.

Kim

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It will all work out although it doesn't seem that way.

I am talking college with my dd who wants to go to UTA in Texas which is just not possible.

So.....having her look at state schools here is like pulling teeth. She is still upset about us moving back to MO right now.

I just try and remain calm and have her look at colleges and at least begin filling out 1 app., which of course is where DH and I graduated and where she was born.

I know she will like it however we told here start looking and applying and figuring out your plans.

Remain calm....remain calm....that is what I tell myself.

 

[Buckalew11]

My niece got settled in this weekend to start her sophomore year at Gettysburg.I'm guessing that about, what, 10 to 12 hours away from here?

Anyway, she promised my sister that she would call once a week this year. last year she did not. She moved in and was told "you can't come home 'til Christmas'' and she never looked back!

My sister and I chuckled about the once a week phone call and I said, "Yes, but did you tell her that when she calls, she's got to talk???"
Unlike most girls, she communicates like your son. LOL

I hoep it gets better soon!!

 

[TimeforMe]

{{hugs}} to you, OP.

I don't know how I would react if I was in your shoes. You are being so strong.

Thanks, it has not been easy. DH and I are each other's cheerleaders.

Does he email? Boys tend to say more when not forced to 'talk.' You could even learn to text!!! I see that you do text; maybe you shouldn't. He sounds miserable.

I have written him several e-mails. He doesn't answer them. I am trying the text thing, but it is so freakin' annoying. First of all it takes me forever and it's just like I want to say "just get on the phone and converse with me like an adult"!

My mom always told me that college was weird for some people.

And this is generalization, so no one jump on me..but she said it seems to be harder for people who were previously popular to go to a new school and 'start over'.

Ya know, I can see the logic in that. He was popular in school, but he really wanted to go AWAY to college, not go where his friends were going, etc. so I'm a little (though not totally) surprised how miserable he is.

OP, is your son on Facebook? If so, I'd be happy to have my daughter friend him. Maybe it would help to talk to someone who has gone through the whole freshman thing. A lot of the kids use Facebook to join groups of kids with similar interests and just stay in touch.

I'm sure he will be fine. If you'd like me to have my daughter friend him, just let me know.

That is very sweet of you! He's not on Facebook, refuses to join. He's a big time non-conformist. He knows many, many people who have done the freshman thing (including his sister) but won't talk to anyone openly about it. He's a very private kind of kid.

Our daughter also wanted to transfer almost immediately. She said she didn't fit in with the 'type' of student that went there.

His plan, from the start, was to transfer out after the 1st year. I just had no idea he'd make things so miserable for all of us in the process. So did your DD end up transferring?

OP, Pittsburgh is a wonderful town. I may be a little biased of course. If you have any questions about my home town, I'd be happy to answer them. And we will have your DS converted to being Steeler Fan in no time at all.

Kim

I LOVED Pittsburgh when we were there last week. In fact, DH and I kept looking at each other wishing we had had the opportunity to go to such a great school in such a great area. Spoiled brats, these kids.

I just want to say (again) that this thread and this board have (and continue) helped me such a great deal with this. I am so busy at work that it's impossible to talk about it and once I get home I am so exhausted I don't feel like calling anyone. Plus, we all know you guys give the best advice. Thanks again.

 

[juligrl]

Well, I also have a small, not-so-good update. When I got home from work I happened to look at my cell phone and noticed I had a text msg. from him that he had sent me last night, but I somehow missed. It said "I want to go to Maryland". OK. Not sure what that meant since UMD was one of the schools I encouraged him to apply and he would have no part of it. Turns out one of his best friends goes there and since it's relatively close to D.C., he decides he wants to go there. I tell him to call me on the phone and I just mention that I had wanted him to apply there from the beginning and he had to stick it out at DU for awhile. He hung up on me and then sent me a nasty text saying that he knew that and I pissed him off. So...............I'm done for now. He will know, if he hasn't already figured it out, that disrespect and downright rudeness will not be tolerated and he needs to stop acting like a four year old. I just need a break from him for a little bit. I can't even imagine what this 3-day weekend coming up will bring.

Hang in there OP.

Your son sounds like my husband 13 years ago scared1: how has it been that long?). He applied to his "dream" school, got in, hated the ultra-competitive atmosphere after the first week and realized he really didn't want to be in the major he was in. And he was homesick - though, he'll never admit it. He transfered for the second semester of his freshman year to a more local school, and switched majors to what he loved while he tried to figure out where he really wanted to be. He had a plan, then he met me, fell in and followed me to my school - a little more than an hour from his home.

That first semester of college was hard on all of them. He drove his parents and himself nuts at the time and of course they were all feeling much the same way that you and your son are probably feeling now (my MIL dreaded the phone ringing late in the evening and hearing about how much DH hated where he was). They all got through it though and now they can even look back at that time and . Hang in there - it'll get better.

 

[bluesaturn]

Well, I also have a small, not-so-good update. When I got home from work I happened to look at my cell phone and noticed I had a text msg. from him that he had sent me last night, but I somehow missed. It said "I want to go to Maryland". OK. Not sure what that meant since UMD was one of the schools I encouraged him to apply and he would have no part of it. Turns out one of his best friends goes there and since it's relatively close to D.C., he decides he wants to go there. I tell him to call me on the phone and I just mention that I had wanted him to apply there from the beginning and he had to stick it out at DU for awhile. He hung up on me and then sent me a nasty text saying that he knew that and I pissed him off. So...............I'm done for now. He will know, if he hasn't already figured it out, that disrespect and downright rudeness will not be tolerated and he needs to stop acting like a four year old. I just need a break from him for a little bit. I can't even imagine what this 3-day weekend coming up will bring.

I hate to break it to him, but a lot of people drink and party at Maryland. The greek scene is pretty big here, as is partying. No not everyone does, but plenty of drinking goes on. Also, if he transfers to UMD he will likely not get campus housing at any point (including dorms or campus apartments). This is can be a big problem if you don't know the area. And it's close to DC, but it's not DC, it's definitely not going to feel like your in DC.

I hate to say it, but he's definitely pouting. Good for you, don't tolerate the attitude. Perhaps this will be a good lesson for him to make the best of the situation he finds himself in. Good luck to you, you sound like a great mom.

Edited to add: The ironic thing is UMD hasn't started yet, the freshmen haven't even moved in. So if his friend is a freshman, he likely has no clue what the school is like yet either. His friend might hate it, and that may be the end of it.

 

[Green Tea]

OP: Your note that he always planned to transfer after one year is pretty telling, actually. He isn't going to give the place a chance. He has no vested interest in adjusting. His eye isn't on becoming a member of the current community, it is on going someplace else.

 

[TimeforMe]

Edited to add: The ironic thing is UMD hasn't started yet, the freshmen haven't even moved in. So if his friend is a freshman, he likely has no clue what the school is like yet either. His friend might hate it, and that may be the end of it.

WOW! Interesting. Thanks for telling me that. Either way, no matter where he transfers, he's not going there without visiting first this time.

OP: Your note that he always planned to transfer after one year is pretty telling, actually. He isn't going to give the place a chance. He has no vested interest in adjusting. His eye isn't on becoming a member of the current community, it is on going someplace else.

You're spot on and that's what's killing me because if he gave Duquesne half a chance, I think he would actually like it. We'll see what today brings.

 

[CraftyMouse]

Either way, no matter where he transfers, he's not going there without visiting first this time.

I think this is so important. DD16 had her heart set on attending DH's alma mater. For as long as I can remember she would say she was going to go there. She has visited the campus often and even did a summer program there last year so she was familiar with the campus.

Cut to this summer when we were driving home from a weekend trip and drove through the campus of my alma mater. We also drove through the town which is a very traditional, New England college town. Two days later she came to me and told me she thought she had changed her mind and wanted to go to my school. She said she really liked the campus and the town and it was so different from DH's school. Last week we went to visit and take a tour (which I added to after the official tour was done) and she really liked it. Ironically, she said on the way home "I just felt like I belonged there.", which is exactly the way I felt the first time I visited campus.

She should have no problem getting into this school as her academic record is outstanding. Once she is formally accepted I plan on taking her out there a few times during the school year, just so she can get more familiar with the environment and feel like she knows her way around.

Of course she could always change her mind again, but as long as whatever school she picks is within an hour or two away she'll still be able to make a couple of visits before moving in.

TimeforMe - I hope your DS gets to a happier place. With the "guff" he's given you lately I'd leave him on his own for a bit. If it were me I would probably text message him something like "Life is what you make of it. I hope you find a way to enjoy your time at school. I'm here if you need me." and leave it at that until he contacted me.

 

[eliza61]

Well, I also have a small, not-so-good update. When I got home from work I happened to look at my cell phone and noticed I had a text msg. from him that he had sent me last night, but I somehow missed. It said "I want to go to Maryland". OK. Not sure what that meant since UMD was one of the schools I encouraged him to apply and he would have no part of it. Turns out one of his best friends goes there and since it's relatively close to D.C., he decides he wants to go there. I tell him to call me on the phone and I just mention that I had wanted him to apply there from the beginning and he had to stick it out at DU for awhile. He hung up on me and then sent me a nasty text saying that he knew that and I pissed him off. So...............I'm done for now. He will know, if he hasn't already figured it out, that disrespect and downright rudeness will not be tolerated and he needs to stop acting like a four year old. I just need a break from him for a little bit. I can't even imagine what this 3-day weekend coming up will bring.

Aah, the joys of being a parent.
I too have a college bound son in 2009. Right now we are starting the process of trying to get him motivated for picking a school.
I love & adore my first born but there are days when my dh & I look at each other and say "We should have stuck with a dog"
If the child rolls his eyes at me one more time, I swear to god you guys will have to be my character witnesses at my trial...

Sorry Op, for a minute I thought we were discussing me...
Any way, hang in there. here's your mom group hug for today.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

His plan, from the start, was to transfer out after the 1st year. I just had no idea he'd make things so miserable for all of us in the process.

This statement is so telling. Do you think that maybe he feels forced to go to Duquesne? I don't mean that you or your DH forced him to go there. I mean more like his options were limited and he really had no other choice but to go there?

A week before my DD got the acceptance to her school, I brought up the possibility that she might not be accepted. Or even worse, that she might get waitlisted! I wanted to know what her backup plan was. Her response was that she didn't want to go anywhere else but her #1 pick. My stomach did a flop because she had been accepted at all of the other places she'd applied, been offered generous scholarships and invited into their honors programs. Yet she had no true interest in those schools and I knew that she would not be happy anywhere else but #1. I was sick thinking about what would happen if...

Please encourage your son to work hard at his studies and to get involved on campus. It will look better when he applies to those transfer schools. Encourage him to research what those schools are looking for in a transfer student and work towards fitting that mold. In the process, he may throw himself into campus life at Dusquesne. And at the end of the year, he may decide that he likes it there. But don't be surprised if he still wants to change schools.

I'm praying for him to have a better day today. The first few months of college are rough anyway but they are especially hard when you are so unhappy with your choice.

 

[juligrl]

I love & adore my first born but there are days when my dh & I look at each other and say "We should have stuck with a dog"

What dog-owning parent hasn't said that?!