My 13yo niece was crushed and publicly humilated

[EMom]

As for why she sent off so many copies, I guess she felt that those she sent them to had a right to know what had gone on with this girl. She informed the Rabbi, not because she expects him to get involved, but to inform him of the lovely family in his Synagogue.

I don't blame her for letting the story spread. A little public humiliation would do this family of witches a world of good, IMHO.

 

[ShesAPirate]

Originally, she told her mother to ask them to leave, but the mom was busy dealing with something, so she had her tell the grandmother. So it is not a case of senile granny after all. The mom was watching out the window when my sister pulled up.

How disgusting! Really, the whole situation, the girl hurting your niece so that the other kids would accept her into their clique -- but more than that, just the IDEA that the mom (and grandma!) would say, "okay, sweetie, we'll make those girls go away." instead of, "You invited them, you will not humiliate them, you will behave like a civilized person, and treat people the way you wish to be treated."

Makes me ill...

 

[undercovermom]

I really just don't understand this at all. Bat Mitzvah's are very important and sacred events with months, often years, in preparation for them. I find it hard to believe that on such an important day, the girl, the parents and the grandmother's focus is not on the event but on embarrassing two young girls. I'm not saying it couldn't or wouldn't happen, but with all of the Bat Mitzvah's and Bar Mitzvah's I've been involved with, the religious importance of the event, particularly at the syngagogue is what is uppermost on everyone's mind.

If it did happen as you said (and the grandmother was not confused or senile), then I would send the invitation back to the parents with a note asking for exactly what purpose they had invited your niece if they did not want her there and then I would send a copy of that to the rabbi.

My cousin is a kosher caterer. She does bar and bat mitzvah parties every week. Her comment? Young girls=drama, and it's not a bat mitzvah unless someone is crying in the ladies' room. Unfortunate but true.

 

[undercovermom]

I also find the whole thing very odd. My DD just became a Bat Mitzvah a little over a week ago. At our synogogue, the grandparents, parents, Bat Mitzvah girl, and her siblings all wait in the Robing Room from the time we get there until the time the service starts and then walk in the side door with the Rabbi and Cantor when the service starts. There is no time to talk with anyone until after the service ends. And honestly, everyone is so focused on the task at hand that I cannot imagine taking time out to be mean to a little girl. I am glad this is how our synogogue does things.

I'm very sorry your niece was hurt and I can understand your frustration and sadness over the whole thing.

At my synagogue, we didn't make any kind of grand entrance into the sanctuary at the beginning of the service. Before the service began the family took their place in the front row. My daughter ran around greeting her guests until the rabbi told her to go up onto the bima and begin.

 

[undercovermom]

This story is extremely sad but I don't really get why the mom sent the letter to the school either. I wouldn't call this "high end bullying" by the girl. Maybe by the grandma. Either way, it has nothing to do with school.



These people should not have treated your DNeice this way at all!!! That being sad, do you think that maybe we're missing part of the story? Could something bad have happened between the girls from the time that the invites went out and the time of the celebration?



Were they maybe upset that you DNeice showed up for the party but not for the ceremony itself? I'm just reaching here trying to make sense of it. Like I said, it's not excusable either way but maybe there's more to it than we understand.

I had a lot of kids show up for the party but not hte service. For younger dd, a boy at school was having his ceremony at the Reform synagogue at the same exact time as dd's ceremony was taking place at our Conservative synaggogue. For older dd, there were 3 other bat mitzvah celebrations going on that day, and many of the kids dividied their time amoung the celebrations.

 

[undercovermom]

OP, I don't think you are making it up. I just find the behavior so completely inexcusable and being Jewish myself, so utterly offensive and reprehensible that someone would take an occasion like this to willfully hurt another young person. to your niece. I have a 13 year old DD and I believe it would be really hard to control my anger if someone did this to her.

I am with you on that. My girls are 15 and 17, we're done with the "circuit", but honestly, the drama...

 

[undercovermom]

So the Bat Mitzvahnt told her grandmother that she didn't want DNiece at her party. Grandma then went to DNiece and said Bat Mitzvahnt doesn't want you here so you have to leave".

Where were Bat Mitvahnt's parents in all this? Has your sister spoken to them? And your DNiece was truly blindsided by this? There was no "issue" between her and the Bat Mitzvahnt that she knows of??

These kinds of stories make me SO glad that I had the type of mother who would have said to me "I don't care whether you hate the kid. You invited her. She's staying, so suck it up". And my grandmother never would have DREAMED of involving herself.

On the plus side, I'm glad to see that there are Jewish folks who are less than perfect too. Gives us Catholics a break for a few minutes!

We're all human, aren't we?

Actually, my grandmother's generation always felt that if a Jewish person misbehaved, he embarassed all of the Jews. So when teh serial killer or pedophile turns out to be Jewish, i's an embarassment to the entire Jewish community.

 

[undercovermom]

Bar and Bat Mitzvah ceremonies are typically held during regular Shabbat services when the Torah is brought out and the weekly portion read. Thus, anyone can attend. DH have attended Shabbat services when a bar or bat mitzvah has been occuring.

In my synagogue, when the pews are al filled, we add chairs util everyone is accomodated.

 

[undercovermom]

If you have 30 kids making their communion there just isn't enough room for all of them to invite everyone they want. Usually it's just immediate family at the church.

But bar and bat mitzvah is different, usually only one or two children celebrating at a time.

 

[RitaZ.]

Dude they are lucky I'm not your sister. I would have told my daughter to go out to the car and then I would have gone inside and told off the family. I would have pulled the mother aside and let her know what a stupid little witch her daughter is and to tell her to keep her bratty *** away from my baby!

~Amanda

Amanda, I love your passion! Don't mess with Mama Bear's cub!

 

[undercovermom]

Not at all. At the last temple we belonged to, kids were always doubled up as there were so many of them. It was rare to have a child with the ceremony all to themselves. This is happening more and more with large congregations.

The most I've eveer seen is three at a time.

 

[undercovermom]

Wow!!! I live in CT, and have never been to a bar mitzvah for more than one kid at a time!

You have no idea...my synagogue does not schedule a bar or bat mitzvah during the summer. We no longer schedule bat mitzvah ceremonies for Friday night (as they did when I was bat mitzvah back in teh 1970's), so each child in our Hebrew school is scheduled for Saturday morning. You have to leave some Saturday mornings for the baby namings and aufrufs and etc., so if yu have 35-40 kids in the religious school...and another 3 or 4 in the Jewish Day School...you have to double up. Each of my daughters moved her ceremony to Saturday night so that she wouldn't have to "share".

 

[undercovermom]

Just curious, how did he read the Torah? Did they go somewhere else and a Torah brought in? Because you simply cannot close off a synagogue on Shabbat to other worshippers.

Our synagogue does "private" bar and bat mitzvah ceremonies on occasion, always during the week and after regular morning services are over. and my dd's have been to private services at clubs or whatever, where the Rabbi brought the Torah with him to the place where the service was held. But you can't make it "too" private, you know -- you still need a minyan for the Torah to be read.

 

[undercovermom]

Ours would be too but believe me the congregation knows when this is going to happen and just goes to another mass.

Like I said Christmas the church is over full and no one is turned away. Your choice to go to another church or mass. Churches know this and have other times set up.

but don't you usually have mass several times on Sunday? Jewish services aren't usually like that.

 

[undercovermom]

A few years ago, we were invited to the Bar Mitzvah service for the son of a friend of ours. It was held during week-day morning services. His parents thought that it would be too much for him to do it during Shabbat services. Between the family, Rabbi, Cantor, and a few close family friends, they just had enough people.

IMO, it is either that scenario or the child did not read from the Torah. we've been to a few Saturday night Havdallah "B'nai Mitzvot" services held at hotels in Baltimore.

that's just not right...my synagogue does a mincha/ma'ariv service on saturday evening, and the bar or bat mitzvah child reads Torah and then conducts Havdalah (I have beautiful photos of my daughters holding candles!) ...but to do Havdalah awithout a Torah reading and call it a bar mitzvah...that's just not right. Around here the Rabbi would at least bring a Torah to the hotel and have the child go through the service.

 

[undercovermom]

Duh, I forgot about the Rabbi and Cantor. I can definately see the appeal of a small group like that..I'd be a lot less nervous

That's why my synagogue does the bar mtizvah twice...first during the week with only a few people around for morning minyan, then a repeat performance on Shabbat.

 

[undercovermom]

Even on a weekday reading, there must be at least 10 people. What do they do with the rest of the people who show up?

About the ones who don't read, is that common? My DD did not read but we go to an Orthodox Synagogue so...but she still gave a D'var Torah and we had a huge Kiddush-everyone at services invited.

Anyway, none of this has nothing to do with the OP except it just sounds weird to anyone familiar with Judaism. You just don't turn anyone away...ever.

I was wondering about the Orthodox bat mitzvah...I'm used to Conservative and Reform, where girls are counted in the minyan.

 

["Got Disney"]

Im afraid I would have had to take granny down.

and her little dog to...oh wait a minute that was the Wizard of oz and the Wicked witch..hmmmm that's okay because that fits.

 

[punkin]

I was wondering about the Orthodox bat mitzvah...I'm used to Conservative and Reform, where girls are counted in the minyan.

There is a wide range of customs. There are orthodox Bat Mitzvahs where only women attend and they read from the Torah. It seems to be getting more common these days.

 

[Mkrop]

Ok. I'm quite off topic again but . . .

I do think that there are different solutions to problems like this. For me, excluding people from worship isn't even an option.

For instance, if 50 people are receiving their First Communion, it might make sense to break that group up and celebrate at multiple services either on the same day or on different days.

If they keep them together as a group, they could always have extra services that day so that if regular worshippers show up and find the place packed, they can leave and come back to a later service or can plan to attend a later service in the first place. Many churches already do this for high services such as Christmas and Easter.

As I said earlier, it's possible to set up overflow space outside the sanctuary. We just had to do that at one of my churches for a largely attended funeral.

I can understand only reserving a certain number of pews for the family and that's fine, but surely others should be able to come and sit where they like.

I suppose it's a matter of two different theological and biblical perspectives. I feel very strongly about worship being an inclusive event. I realize that not all clergy agree. I'm just giving you my opinion.

ANd once again you dont know how all congreagations work. The pastor would love to include as many people as possible, it is juts not possible, people would be outside and there would be no point because you cant hear anything. We already have two sessions of kids, so yes that is 100 children making thier first communion on that day which is a Saturday, no normal services going on.

They have asked to break the kids up and do a handful of kids every Sunday and the parish went all up in arms. NO ONE wanted that. They wanted it on its separate day and they wanted the children to be together. People are annoyed that all the kids cant be together but if they even tried to do that the families would be limited even more so.

So once again the number of people allowed into the actual church needs to be limited.