My 13yo niece was crushed and publicly humilated

[Disney Doll]

I could not disagree more. Why not wish cancer on the girl -- surely that suffering too will build character.

OK...there's abit of a difference between a life-threatening illness and a teenage girl spat.

Yes, I sympathize with the OP's niece...it is a terribly hard age and any little thing seems magnified a hundred-fold. But, the fact remains that what she essentially encountered were unkind people. She will encounter unkind people all her life. It's good for her to learn to recognize them, recognize who her friends are and aren't.

Don't get me wrong, I remember being singled out a few times in my youth. It sucks. But my parents went over each situation with me, supported me, guided me to realizing what I could learn from it. Truthfully, those times made me look at people a little more closely, and have made me a pretty good judge of character.

We can all go on and on about what "witches" everyone in that other family is. I don't think there's any doubt about that, nor is there any argument. Maybe karma will bite them on the butt and maybe it won't. I do like to believe it will .

The important thing here is the lesson. I can tell you how my parents handled this situation when I was a kid. They would ask me if I noticed a change in the relationship with my friend in the weeks leading up to this event? They would ask me if I had noticed the change, did I have any idea of the reason why? They would ask me why I was continuing to call this person a friend if their behavior toward me was changing? They would ask me if I wanted someone like this as a "friend", if they could do this to someone? In other words, they would ask me the open-ended questions that would make me think, and decide and learn. And I am quite sure that my mother would have found a way to make sure the other kid's mother knew what a piece of crap she was. My mother had this knack of telling someone to go to hell & making them look forward to the trip.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

While I sympathize with your niece things like this build character in a person. I speak from experience~growing up in school I was always the one that was picked on, the one with no friends, the one sitting by herself at lunch, etc., etc., etc. This will build character in your niece.

Generally speaking, that is a crock. I'm glad you were able to rise above such mistreatment, but to say that it builds character and all will be well if it's just allowed to happen is NOT true. Bullying is a very serious problem and needs to be addressed by society and prevented to the best of our ability. All it breeds is a culture of abusers and victims.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Generally speaking, that is a crock. I'm glad you were able to rise above such mistreatment, but to say that it builds character and all will be well if it's just allowed to happen is NOT true. Bullying is a very serious problem and needs to be addressed by society and prevented to the best of our ability. All it breeds is a culture of abusers and victims.

Bullying can also lead to suicide. I personally know two cases, one a junior high student, one a high school student. Bullying sucks.

 

[JennyMominRI]

It didn't build character in me either. But it has saved me money! All those high school reunion invitations go right in the trash.

I'm still trying to decide if I should go to mine this year..High School was hell..It was . I don't know if I want to see those people again and I'm afraid it would bring everything back

 

[JennyMominRI]

Oh Jenny, it most certainly did build character in you. I am not saying that it didn't do all the other things you speak of as well, but just based on what I see of your posts here, you are a person of extraordinary character.

Of course, we all would have preferred it if you had not been bullied, but character you have aplenty!

Thanks Honestly though , I think most of that came through the Marines and deaing with my own health...

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

People are throwing around the word "bullying" to describe this situation. While it was certainly a horrible incident, I'm not sure it was bullying. Bullying is habitally intimidating someone. This happened once.

 

[JennyMominRI]

Bullying can also lead to suicide. I personally know two cases, one a junior high student, one a high school student. Bullying sucks.

I think too that there is a difference between having nasty incidences happen once or twice and learning from them and systematic long term bullying.
You know how every school has that one kid..That one scapegoat that everyone picks on. That was me.. My early years were great but in 5th grade we moved. It started then...I was harrased every single day.. The bus was pure hell so I would walk the distance home instead...They caught on and walk home too, wait for me along the way and throw my stuff in the pond. I was a smart kid and liked to read alot so they threw all of my books in the pond. I would walk from class to class and the would hit me with a pencil with pins through the eraser to cut me and I would come home with marks on my arm.. They would call my mother and tell her I was going to be beaten up the next day at school..The school would do nothing..I was spit on, punched. I had incidents like the OP where kids would pretend to be my friend only to have it lead to some incident like the one described. Finally I just stopped trusting any kids .The teachers thought it was funny, well some of them did..
I got horrible grades, Why? Because I was too worried about getting to the next class without physical attacks. High school was a bit better..For the most part the physical stuff stopped but the new tactic was to spread rumors that I was a slut.. That I performed sexual acts for the boys in school. I can't even imagine if the internet had been around then
If I was too go to my HS reunion this year they would probably think it was hilarious that a "slut" like me had AIDS.

I didn't build character..

 

[simpilotswife]

It was definitely bullying. The very fact that this girl 1)did it to more than person and 2)knew that she would get away with this behavior is an indication that this girl has been bullying others for some time and is no novice to being an unkind and cruel person.

I think that the matter should have been addressed then and there...I know I would have.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

People are throwing around the word "bullying" to describe this situation. While it was certainly a horrible incident, I'm not sure it was bullying. Bullying is habitally intimidating someone. This happened once.

You only have one Bar/Bat mitzvah so yes this incident happened once.
But if someone can do that it shows me they do other types of intimidation.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

You only have one Bar/Bat mitzvah so yes this incident happened once.
But if someone can do that it shows me they do other types of intimidation.

No, I didn't mean that it only happened a a bat mitzvah once. I read nothing that indicated that this girl has been regularly harrassing the OP's DNeice. Like I said, what she did was wrong but I wouldn't call it "bullying".

 

[MUFFYCAT]

No, I didn't mean that it only happened a a bat mitzvah once. I read nothing that indicated that this girl has been regularly harrassing the OP's DNeice. Like I said, what she did was wrong but I wouldn't call it "bullying".

Intimadation is bullying. Even if the girl wasn't "regularly" harrassing her that type of behavior isn't a "one time incident" . This behavior and personality shows she does things if not to this girl other people and it needs to stop.

 

[sha_lyn]

It was definitely bullying. The very fact that this girl 1)did it to more than person and 2)knew that she would get away with this behavior is an indication that this girl has been bullying others for some time and is no novice to being an unkind and cruel person

ITA

As for these situations building character, I'm sorry but IMHO that is a load of BS. We moved the summer before I started 7th grade. The problem when we moved was that we moved to another ele district in our county. I knew many of the girls in my new school through scouts, their cousins etc. We moved from a diverse area to an all white neighborhood. My mother had owned land next to my grandparents for many yrs. My parents finally had the $$ to build on it.
Anyway, I was bullied and picked on because I had black friends at the previous school. I was called names, hit, had my homework and personal belongings destroyed etc. The teachers were aware and ignored the behavior. I was told by the teachers to toughen up. One time a group of kids thought it would be funny to tell a boy that I liked him, and then tease him about it (which BTW I did not like him). The boy's reaction was to come after me. He came up to my desk and flipped it over. My head hit another desk very hard. I had a huge bump on my head. The teacher refused to let me go to the office and called me a cry baby for crying about "accidentally being pushed down". She went as far as to call my mother and tell my mother I was making a huge deal out of nothing (my mother was best friends with her crowning up). I even threw up, but was told it was because I was being too dramatic. I have no doubt I had a concussion.
You know what that taught me. That I couldn't trust anyone and it made me the perfect target for a child molester that I felt was showing me love and concern.

 

[Missy1961]

No, I didn't mean that it only happened a a bat mitzvah once. I read nothing that indicated that this girl has been regularly harrassing the OP's DNeice. Like I said, what she did was wrong but I wouldn't call it "bullying".

Because this is the only thing the aunt knows about. She doesn't know if it's been happening at school, or on the bus, or wherever.

 

[2girlsmom]

I think too that there is a difference between having nasty incidences happen once or twice and learning from them and systematic long term bullying.
You know how every school has that one kid..That one scapegoat that everyone picks on. That was me.. My early years were great but in 5th grade we moved. It started then...I was harrased every single day.. The bus was pure hell so I would walk the distance home instead...They caught on and walk home too, wait for me along the way and throw my stuff in the pond. I was a smart kid and liked to read alot so they threw all of my books in the pond. I would walk from class to class and the would hit me with a pencil with pins through the eraser to cut me and I would come home with marks on my arm.. They would call my mother and tell her I was going to be beaten up the next day at school..The school would do nothing..I was spit on, punched. I had incidents like the OP where kids would pretend to be my friend only to have it lead to some incident like the one described. Finally I just stopped trusting any kids .The teachers thought it was funny, well some of them did..
I got horrible grades, Why? Because I was too worried about getting to the next class without physical attacks. High school was a bit better..For the most part the physical stuff stopped but the new tactic was to spread rumors that I was a slut.. That I performed sexual acts for the boys in school. I can't even imagine if the internet had been around then
If I was too go to my HS reunion this year they would probably think it was hilarious that a "slut" like me had AIDS.

I didn't build character..

to you! I agree, I was that kid in my school too, and it definitely did NOT build character and DID create all that insecurity for me too. In my case it did improve in high school as most of the kids that were the terrors to me became the little fish again (5 schools merge into one high school), instead of the powerful kids. But by then, I had a very hard time stepping out of my shell due to the torture in elementary. It took years to be able to talk to people I don't know, and it is still uncomfortable for me to this day.

 

[TurboKitty]

Miriam-Webster dictionary

bullying
One entry found.

bully[3,verb]



Main Entry: 3bully
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): bul·lied; bul·ly·ing
Date: 1693
transitive verb
1 : to treat abusively
2 : to affect by means of force or coercion
intransitive verb
: to use browbeating language or behavior : bluster
synonyms see intimidate

I'd say bullying is exacty the right word to describe what happened.

I can think of many MANY better ways to help a young person develop a strong character, over being a target. I am saddened to read so many of our posters having to live through this. I admire the courage you've displayed by sharing your stories.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

Because this is the only thing the aunt knows about. She doesn't know if it's been happening at school, or on the bus, or wherever.

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? You can't just go around accusing people of really serious things like bullying.

BTW, I prefer this definition of "bully" from http://www.dictionary.com, among other places:

a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

Note the word "habitually". Just because you mess up once and act like a jerk doesn't make you a bully.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? You can't just go around accusing people of really serious things like bullying.

BTW, I prefer this definition of "bully" from http://www.dictionary.com, among other places:



Note the word "habitually". Just because you mess up once and act like a jerk doesn't make you a bully.

OMG! Did you say you were a pastor?
I can't believe you can't see that this girl is a bully.
She hasn't "habitually" been doing it to this girl but surely you can see she this behavior has been going on.
So according to your thinking if a husband beats his wife for the first time, it's bad but accusable and innocent until proven guilty?

When people are bullied and abused they may not say anything to anyone because they are intimadeted. I would think you as a pastor who helps people would see that.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

OMG! Did you say you were a pastor?
I can't believe you can't see that this girl is a bully.
She hasn't "habitually" been doing it to this girl but surely you can see she this behavior has been going on.
So according to your thinking if a husband beats his wife for the first time, it's bad but accusable and innocent until proven guilty?

When people are bullied and abused they may not say anything to anyone because they are intimadeted. I would think you as a pastor who helps people would see that.

OMG! You are completely misunderstanding what I am saying! What this girl did to the OP's neice was absolutely terrible and horrible. She should be punished. The OP's neice should choose not to be her friend. And perhaps she was acting like a bully. However, that doesn't mean that you can assume that this girl has exhibited other harrassing behaviour to the OP's neice and is "bullying" this girl in a way that could be considered criminally offensive.

I have no idea how what I said would lead you to believe that I condone domestic abuse. If I was counselling a woman who had been beaten by her DH, I would try to help her get out of that situation first and foremost. I'm missing the connection you are making. There's a world of difference between an adult who physically abuses someone and a 13 year old girl who sends her friend away after inviting her to a party. Can't you see that?

I know that people who are abused often don't speak up. Having been abused, I'm well aware. However, the OP didn't indicate that she suspected that was the case here so why would that be our automatic assumption here?

 

[TurboKitty]

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? You can't just go around accusing people of really serious things like bullying.

BTW, I prefer this definition of "bully" from http://www.dictionary.com, among other places:



Note the word "habitually". Just because you mess up once and act like a jerk doesn't make you a bully.

You're looking up bully (noun) and not bullying (verb). You do understand the difference don't you? Bullying is an accurate description of the account in the OP, whether the girl in question is a bully or not.

 

[mickeyboat]

Actually, the way schools talk about bullying these days is a lot different than the playground physical bullying we were used to growing up. Social bullying is typical for this age group (ie picking on people to make yourself look better and to exert control and power in your social group), and dealt with seriously in schools. Our school counselor starts a program in 4th grade to specifically help prevent and stop this kind of social bullying.

Denae

ETA

"As you probably already know, although girls are sometimes physically violent, boys tend to be more physical. They punch, trip, kick and slam each other into lockers. A less-physical form of bullying is more often the bullying-of-choice for girls. This bullying, sometimes called relational aggression, includes spreading vicious rumors, using social exclusion, taunting and other psychologically painful strategies to hurt someone, damage reputations or keep others in line."

http://www.schoolcounselor.org/content.asp?contentid=282