Mulan Is Back

[Mulan'sWarrior]

I really feel for your daughter. Are you sure she hasn't experienced his physical abuse herself? My daughter has 'body memories' of her bio-father's abuse which comes out in the same way your daughter behaved. I hope she'll talk with her therapist about it.

I'm so happy they're home with you for now. Their karate camp sounds wonderful. Teaching them to be strong and to be able to defend themselves will help them feel safe and courageous.


Brave you! Calling the handsome fellow. I'm crossing my fingers.

Yes DD and DS have made the physical abuse known to CPS and their therapist, remember back in Nov we went to court and JTB stated that I di not prove my case. Anyways, Karate is teaching them, not only self- discipline but also self- defense

I'm wondering out loud here, just bear with me...he is allowed to see the children on Father's Day if he comes to your county to get them, is that right? Wonder if it might be a good thing on your part to "assume" he wants them (as would a normal parent...no comment please) and contact/have your lawyer call his lawyer to ask what time he would be wanting the kids for Fathers Day. In that way he might think you want him to take the kids and will say "sorry I can't" or whatever. I can't say I have figured out how this guy thinks but seems like when he is expected to have the kids he will find an excuse not to. SO if you trump the scene that you described by asking him what time he wants you to show up, he might just do the opposite. Then -- problem solved!! You keep the kids, and there is no dirt on your face (or even the hint of it) because you guessed wrong at what he might do. Plus you can add it to the file that he did not take his children on Fathers Day even though he was offered the opportunity to do so, per the court documents.

Just some rambling thrown out for consideration!

Since my lawyer is out of town and technically I can call DAMM anytime. I could "tape record" while I have the kids talk to him and ask him if he will be coming here for Father's Day and when he does not show up or refuses to come I am covered... Plus we don't even know if he even has an atty- probably not

It is a thought.. sometimes rambling way of working things out lol!

Wow... a boy called Mulan hehehee!

How silly are we all giggling like a bunch of 14 yr olds?

I know you all are doing it too, I cant be the only one!

Good luck girl!

YEP, 14 yr olds! It is kinda fun....I must be sending out vibes, because the kids Sensai has been taking notice more of me- is it my Karate moves I doubt it. Is it my kids charm- HAHAHA, they keep him busy with their constant talking...Too bad he is WAY TOO YOUNG! He is a looker! He is 22, I'm 38, although, most think I am 23-26 but its nice to get those looks again
The guy I am interested in is 45. We'll see I'm hoping he calls me back soon- I'm wondering how to play this- should I make the move of asking him on an outing (of course, I would leave the kids behind- I can't disappoint them again, he knows I have 2 and even saw pictures of them from the zoo ) or should I sit back and wait on him? Guys, I have NEVER done this before! My whole life, the guys I liked, didn't like me and the ones who liked me, well, I wasn't fond of. Then DAMM came along, I was attracted to him but his age scaird me, he was persistent in asking me out that I finally said ok, and we began dating- end of fairy tale and you know the rest of the story.....
So, what should I do next? I have always fully trusted you guys. Your opinions matter!
Mulan

 

[jackdis]

Let him call you. Talk, get to know eachother, and then see how it goes. Maybe a little early for an outing. And definitely, no kiddos with you until you know this is a little more serious. You are a great person. There will be lots of phone calls in your future and you don't want to expose/have your kids get attached to people until it's something more....

But definitely enjoy these times ahead. You deserve it!!!

 

[2poohbears]

Let him call you. Talk, get to know eachother, and then see how it goes. Maybe a little early for an outing. And definitely, no kiddos with you until you know this is a little more serious. You are a great person. There will be lots of phone calls in your future and you don't want to expose/have your kids get attached to people until it's something more....

But definitely enjoy these times ahead. You deserve it!!!

Exactly!

I'm so glad you're getting such good news lately! Big congratulations on the job offer! That's great...maybe you had to go through all that stuff at work to push you out into the world to find this new, better paying job!

 

[surfgirl]

Yes Since my lawyer is out of town and technically I can call DAMM anytime. I could "tape record" while I have the kids talk to him and ask him if he will be coming here for Father's Day and when he does not show up or refuses to come I am covered... Plus we don't even know if he even has an atty- probably not
Mulan

Think about this. There are lots of ways for this plan to go awry.

However, you need to do something. You are asking for trouble if you bury your head in the sand with regard to this. Think about how it will be misconstrued.

Your attny should have someone that can take care of this. If she is out of town, have someone else make the phone call to him and ask what time he will be here to get them for Father's Day. If he denies, then a independent third party has proof. Don't be surprised if he randomly shows up Sunday wanting to take them. Remember, you think he knows your address...

Its great there are some good things going on in your life, but keep mentally strong and think of how he can twist things and be prepared.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

Think about this. There are lots of ways for this plan to go awry.

However, you need to do something. You are asking for trouble if you bury your head in the sand with regard to this. Think about how it will be misconstrued.

Your attny should have someone that can take care of this. If she is out of town, have someone else make the phone call to him and ask what time he will be here to get them for Father's Day. If he denies, then a independent third party has proof. Don't be surprised if he randomly shows up Sunday wanting to take them. Remember, you think he knows your address...

Its great there are some good things going on in your life, but keep mentally strong and think of how he can twist things and be prepared.

That's true, I can have my attys asst call him today and ask him or leave him a message to call her back- failure to call, failure to arrange either way, I am covering my bases.
Keeping mentally strong and getting healther are 2 of my goals. He will not beat me on this. And as to my gentleman friend, I'll not allow for that to get twisted by no means- I will proceed with caution- promise.
Mulan

 

[momlady]

Think about this. There are lots of ways for this plan to go awry.

However, you need to do something. You are asking for trouble if you bury your head in the sand with regard to this. Think about how it will be misconstrued.

Your attny should have someone that can take care of this. If she is out of town, have someone else make the phone call to him and ask what time he will be here to get them for Father's Day. If he denies, then a independent third party has proof. Don't be surprised if he randomly shows up Sunday wanting to take them. Remember, you think he knows your address...

Its great there are some good things going on in your life, but keep mentally strong and think of how he can twist things and be prepared.

Thanks surfgirl -- I guess that was my thought but I couldn't put it into words. It'd be a good thing to have someone independent noting the facts, and also because it moves things away from the emotional triggers of direct contact! DAMM will figure, right or wrong, if the kids call, that it's because Mulan "is up to something". If the "system" calls, then (a) it's neutral, and (b)he is on the spot immediately and we all know he is not one to think on his feet! I agree that any assistant can call, and the office can call him directly if he has no lawyer. Even better, in fact, because of (b) above! LOL

Mulan remember, the sooner he gets tired of pushing your buttons (which is exactly what he is doing with his little mind games), the sooner you will be done with paying a lawyer to do things like this! Detach yourself from the whole process and it will no longer give him a sick thrill. Think of it as a short term investment for long term PEACE!

 

[JoiseyMom]

The guy I am interested in is 45. We'll see I'm hoping he calls me back soon- I'm wondering how to play this- should I make the move of asking him on an outing (of course, I would leave the kids behind- I can't disappoint them again, he knows I have 2 and even saw pictures of them from the zoo ) or should I sit back and wait on him? Guys, I have NEVER done this before! My whole life, the guys I liked, didn't like me and the ones who liked me, well, I wasn't fond of. Then DAMM came along, I was attracted to him but his age scaird me, he was persistent in asking me out that I finally said ok, and we began dating- end of fairy tale and you know the rest of the story.....
So, what should I do next? I have always fully trusted you guys. Your opinions matter!
Mulan

Ok, you called him, then he called you back. Your last conversation ended with him having an appt with his doctor.. Give it a few days, if he doens't call you, call him to check on his dad again, and check on how his appt was. Then do small talk, more on social/personal issues vs medical and get into a different sort of conversation. See how that goes.. you can always invite him to crap a cup of coffee somewhere...something casual, or maybe he will. With the conversation you want him to see you as a women who is interested in him for him, and not just as his dad's nurse (this is coming form my DH's perspective).

You have got nothing to lose .

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

What a mess. To summerize, DAMM thinks this is his weekend- its not. I told his GF that I would be more than willing to make arrangements for him to have the kids Father's Day, she changed her tone and accused me of not letting him see the kids and confusing him about the weekend schedule Anyways, I called my atty, they cannot cantact DAMM and we do not know who or if he has an atty She suggested (her asst) that I let him have the kids this weekend to show that I go over and above the court orders. Then I get a call from the co sheriffs office, threatening me with jail and contempt of court if DAMM doesn't get the kids tonight at 6pm and he will return them some time next week. I told her: no, sorry, explained that he failed to show up last weekend, he failed to notify me 30 days in advance as to when he wanted the kids for the summer and he failed to notify me about Father's Day but I am more than willing to make arrangements for him to have the kids Fathers day as long as he comes here as the court papers suggest. I explained to her that I have talked with my atty and DAMM needs to have his atty contact mine. She asked me if I would be there at the 1/2 way point at 6pm, I said so long as the kids will be returned Sunday 6pm. She got angry and hung up on me I called my atty back and explained that I WILL NOT BULLIED into conforming to DAMMs requests. I had to drive to co on Mothers Day and sorry, but he will have to drive here for Fathers Day. I should have just left it alone!!


On a happier note,

Ok, you called him, then he called you back. Your last conversation ended with him having an appt with his doctor.. Give it a few days, if he doens't call you, call him to check on his dad again, and check on how his appt was. Then do small talk, more on social/personal issues vs medical and get into a different sort of conversation. See how that goes.. you can always invite him to crap a cup of coffee somewhere...something casual, or maybe he will. With the conversation you want him to see you as a women who is interested in him for him, and not just as his dad's nurse (this is coming form my DH's perspective).

You have got nothing to lose .

You're right, I need to redirect the conversation about him rather than his dad. Hopefully he will call me tonight or by tomorrow I really have nothing to loose, at least in this area of my life!
Mulan

 

[littleteapot]

Praying! I'm terrified for you to step foot in that county.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Praying! I'm terrified for you to step foot in that county.

Me too!

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

Me too, sadly, this will end up going back before JTB- I knew it would just be a matter of time before he would do something, anything to mess things up. And of course the summer schedule etc is what he is what his paln was all along!
He just loves to mess with the kids and my mind. I need to go work out! But the kids just arn't cooperating! Can I start pulling my hair now!!!!!
Just thinking out laud, but I have a few more calls I need to make!
Mulan

 

[mla1977]

Mulan, I am worried. I know that he was supposed to take the kids for 5 weeks starting last weekend, but had that not been the case, wouldn't this have been his weekend in the every other weekend plan? I've been away, so I might be losing track. Please be careful!

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[mylilnikita]

Wowsers! Why would you discuss anything with his GF in the first place? SHe has nothing to do with the visitation agreement, she wasn't there when you got married and had the kids.
As for the bad county Sheriff's office calling, are you sure it wasn't another ploy on Damm's part i.e., having a friend and call as if they are something they aren't?
As for Father's Day, I think before you said he has them on holidays earlier in that day, so if that is what the order says, it needs to be followed. As for him having them this weekend and bring them back later on the week, that is touchy a catch 22 if you will. He didn't pick them up for the start of the 5 week summer visitation, so that does look bad on him, but the judge could say that DAMM wasn't able to do it last week and you aren't looking into the "best interest" of the kids.
I cannot believe your lawyer has not moved this into your county by now. As soon as that followup after judge put you in jail, it should have been moved.
Wish you much luck in this one.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

Wowsers! Why would you discuss anything with his GF in the first place? SHe has nothing to do with the visitation agreement, she wasn't there when you got married and had the kids.
As for the bad county Sheriff's office calling, are you sure it wasn't another ploy on Damm's part i.e., having a friend and call as if they are something they aren't?
As for Father's Day, I think before you said he has them on holidays earlier in that day, so if that is what the order says, it needs to be followed. As for him having them this weekend and bring them back later on the week, that is touchy a catch 22 if you will. He didn't pick them up for the start of the 5 week summer visitation, so that does look bad on him, but the judge could say that DAMM wasn't able to do it last week and you aren't looking into the "best interest" of the kids.
I cannot believe your lawyer has not moved this into your county by now. As soon as that followup after judge put you in jail, it should have been moved.
Wish you much luck in this one.

DAMM can't speak with me or my atty, he always has his GF or sis do his talking for him. I didn't have a discussion with her, just stated the facts and told her to have him call his atty and then they can call mine. She spouted off excuses for him etc....
With the every other weekend schedule- last weekend was his weekend. Not this weekend- I have went over and over the calendar just to make sure.
The court papers state he must give me 30 days notice as to when he wants the kids- he has never given me more than 24 hours notice, that should be his catch 22!
Mother's Day, Father's Day and birthdays- court papers state: if it is not his weekend then he "must drive to the county of residence to exercise his visit".

The case cannot be moved until some dust has settled on the case (@3 mo)- DAMM will never allow dust to settle because he knows he would be scrapped if the case got moved here to co.
I'm gonna need all the luck I can get!
mulan

 

[jackdis]

Wowsers! Why would you discuss anything with his GF in the first place? SHe has nothing to do with the visitation agreement, she wasn't there when you got married and had the kids.

My thoughts exactly as I was reading this....you should NOT have to be discussing anything with the GF, or the sister for that matter.

He is not to talk to you for a reason, and I thought all contacts were made through the attorneys.

This is getting ridiculous. I am angry for you!! I feel like this has been dragged on for so long and DAMM always comes out ahead, in some shape or form. I wish this could be resolved for you. I'm sorry for the vent....I'm just furious because I feel like you are constantly getting the short end of the stick when it comes to things. He is a *&^&*. We all know that.

Sending hugs your way!!!

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

I called the 1/2 way police dept at 4:30p and let them know what was going on, At 6:15p Ex SIL calls and says, "well arn't you bringing the kids?" I said, "no, I notified the co sheriff office and will be happy to arrange Fathers Day if he will come to the courthouse on Sunday. Otherwise he can talk to my atty" she said that I told her last week that this was his weekend, I said no I did not, last weekend was his weekend, take a calendar and count it out" and I hung up. A few minutes later an officer from down there called. I explained to him that I had called and left a message earlier. That it was not his weekend, last weekend was and he failed to show. If he wants Father's Day he can be at the co courthouse Sunday. Otherwise, next weekend is his weekend and I have already talked with my atty.
The officer was very pleasent and said 'ok, thank you".

So we'll see what happens from here..............................................

Mulan

 

[surfgirl]

What a mess. I should have just left it alone!!

I respectfully disagree. What happened if you found this out after the fact??? At least now you can prepare mentally for it... and stay out of jail.

Do not speak to his GF, his sil or anything. Just have them all deal with your attny. Maybe even get that stipulated in the court agreement if it ever gets moved ? Honestly, you are asking for trouble. I know you tape and all that, but when has the judge ever listened to you ?

Go on the offensive. Don't sit and wait for him to pull your strings. Immediately after he didn't pick up the kids for his 5 wks, I would have been on the phone with the bad court and asked them what to do. How can this be one of his alternating weekends if they were supposed to be there for 5 weeks ? Also be prepared for him to decide he wants his 5 weeks when the kids know they are going on vacation.... or around Thanksgiving... or something. You need to get stipulated that b/c he missed his p/u for his 5 weeks in the summer, he forfeits all of those 5 weeks and you will go back to the schedule at the end. Or at the least, find out from the bad county what should happen during that time frame.

Don't play games and bury your head. Just play dumb, "I'm not used to this, I'm trying to figure out what is in my kids best interest. Can you please tell me what should happen ? I don't understand. I'm confused. " After they tell you, repeat it back to them so they agree. If you want to play really dumb, tell them that you want to really make sure you understand it. "Could I please email it to you and you make sure I have it right ? I'm trying to avoid confusion because it is frustrating for both of us ?" Get them to send a confirmation back, 'yes that is what I said'.

Look at the calendar for 2008-2009. Get IN WRITING with him signing it what weekends everyone has. Be fair... alternate t-giving and xmas. I know that it kills you now, but if you play by HIS rules NOW, it will benefit you in the end. When he realizes he can't jerk you around and mess with your head, he will back off.

stay strong. don't sit around and wait for him to take advantage of you.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

I respectfully disagree. What happened if you found this out after the fact??? At least now you can prepare mentally for it... and stay out of jail.

Do not speak to his GF, his sil or anything. Just have them all deal with your attny. Maybe even get that stipulated in the court agreement if it ever gets moved ? Honestly, you are asking for trouble. I know you tape and all that, but when has the judge ever listened to you ?

Go on the offensive. Don't sit and wait for him to pull your strings. Immediately after he didn't pick up the kids for his 5 wks, I would have been on the phone with the bad court and asked them what to do. How can this be one of his alternating weekends if they were supposed to be there for 5 weeks ? Also be prepared for him to decide he wants his 5 weeks when the kids know they are going on vacation.... or around Thanksgiving... or something. You need to get stipulated that b/c he missed his p/u for his 5 weeks in the summer, he forfeits all of those 5 weeks and you will go back to the schedule at the end. Or at the least, find out from the bad county what should happen during that time frame.

Don't play games and bury your head. Just play dumb, "I'm not used to this, I'm trying to figure out what is in my kids best interest. Can you please tell me what should happen ? I don't understand. I'm confused. " After they tell you, repeat it back to them so they agree. If you want to play really dumb, tell them that you want to really make sure you understand it. "Could I please email it to you and you make sure I have it right ? I'm trying to avoid confusion because it is frustrating for both of us ?" Get them to send a confirmation back, 'yes that is what I said'.

Look at the calendar for 2008-2009. Get IN WRITING with him signing it what weekends everyone has. Be fair... alternate t-giving and xmas. I know that it kills you now, but if you play by HIS rules NOW, it will benefit you in the end. When he realizes he can't jerk you around and mess with your head, he will back off.

stay strong. don't sit around and wait for him to take advantage of you.

You are right! But sometimes I just feel like I open a can of worms and they get out of control. I bend over backwards to "please" the court and basically scrap myself.
My atty and I have discussed the lack of details in the visitation agreement for months now. And she always said that it would be best to deal with the specifics once we get to a problem- she said 'trust me on this' so we knew it was coming. I think we both knew he would never make the 5 weeks but we never guessed it would be this messed up. Its sad that he has to be so childish and basically have the court tell him what dates and time to pick up his children, he is stupid enough that he can't figure out what EOW means, afterall, last time we were in court we had to specify the xtra weekend on the odd month- he had the choice of the beginning of the month or the last of the month. Well, he chose the 3rd weekend, my atty had to remind the court that if visitation for that month had 5 weekends, he would have them the 2nd, 4th and 5th (as in the month of May) at anytime all he has to do is write it on the calendar..............
Good news, the kids get to go to Karate tomorrow, sadly, I have to work I was off all week, so I could help with Karate Camp. I will also be stimpulating in the visitation agreement that the kids get to go to Karate Camp next summer and his visitation can begin after that, they said that it will always be the second week of June
The kids are SO PROUD of their white belts with purple stripe.
Their certificates are written in Japenese and look BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to get special frames!
I can't wait till my class on Monday
Now if my 'friend' will call......................

Mulan

 

[lillygator]

hang in there girl. Hope all works out this weekend.

 

[jackdis]

And she always said that it would be best to deal with the specifics once we get to a problem- she said 'trust me on this' so we knew it was coming.

Just a thought.....
These "specifics" should be specified beforehand, so that many of these problems will not arise. For the future, I would have as much as possible outlined in the agreement to avoid confusion at later dates. (Future confusion=lawyers=more $$$)

I know of agreements/visitation schedules that are so specific that there is virtually no room left for questions. Also, it needs to be fair. For example, if a month has an extra weekend, on the subsequent month that has an extra weekend, the opposite party would have the child. Actually, it should just alternate every other weekend, or every third weekend, whatever the case might be, so that there's no need to figure who gets which weekend. It can be clearly marked on the calendar for the year.

Also, it should be time specific, holiday specific, etc.

HOpe this makes sense.....
Any phone call yet???