Mulan Is Back

[Vacation Lover]

Dear Ex:

Pursuant to my attorneys' advice I am sending this letter to inform you that the children will not be at the police department on Friday, July 4, 2008 for visitation. My attorneys have advised me that since the children were not returned to me on Sunday, June ___, 2008 that all visitation should cease until a court hearing can be scheduled. You should receive notice of this hearing in the near future.

Also, my attorneys have advised me that all further communication should be addressed by email. My email address is xxxxxxxxx. This email account is solely and exclusively for communication regarding visitation. Please do not use this email account to communication regarding any other subject.

I think this should be it. Do not tell him you know when the hearing is, wait for him to be served to find out. Also, he never got the first letter. You bringing that up may make the judge ask what happened at the police dept. and that doesn't need to be dredged up again. You also should not dictate when modifications should be made and why give him the opportunity to do so. This is not legal advice, only my personal opinion. I do not practice family law. (my disclaimer)

As usual, great advice from momx2!

 

[sunnyday123]

when you take out "stunt" also take out "lying".....that word can be more confrontational than anything else.....just remember, big, deep breaths....good luck tonight

 

[momx2]

As usual, great advice from momx2!

Thanks! But Mulan, please note my spelling errors (I'm not a great speller ). I had to edit as usual.

 

[poohfriend]

prayers for you as you retrieve your little ones.

i also think momx2 has a good letter.


hoping you're doing the happy family dance

 

[2poohbears]

Dear Ex:

Pursuant to my attorneys' advice I am sending this letter to inform you that the children will not be at the police department on Friday, July 4, 2008 for visitation. My attorneys have advised me that since the children were not returned to me on Sunday, June ___, 2008 that all visitation should cease until a court hearing can be scheduled. You should receive notice of this hearing in the near future.

Also, my attorneys have advised me that all further communication should be addressed by email. My email address is xxxxxxxxx. This email account is solely and exclusively for communication regarding visitation. Please do not use this email account to communicate regarding any other subject.

I really like Momx2's letter. Very professional, factual, & not confrontational.

I would make a small change the wording in the 2nd paragraph to:
"Also, my attorneys have advised me that all further communication regarding visitation should be addressed by email. My email address is xxxxxxxxx. This email account has been set up solely and exclusively for communication regarding visitation. Please do not use this email account to communicate regarding any other subject. "

I'm hoping and praying he's returning the children to you today.

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

We are home safe and sound No problems with the exchange. I expected something because DAMM came all the way in the police depatment rather than dropping the kids at the door- maybe he was expeting something from me
Anyways, I gave the kids a great big hug and kiss, a new DVD and told them I have a surprise. DD asked as we were walking out, "mommy wheres your car?" I said right here, as I opened the door, they were so surprised and cheered, DAMM overheard them as he got in his truck and looked back with big wide eyes (I was wearing my sunglasses, so he didn't know I could see his reaction) They loved the new DVD player too.
Like always, I asked them if they wanted to talk to daddy (he lost his phone visit. but JTB told me if they wanted to talk to him- let them) they said yes- but I reminded them- its not daddys business about our new car etc. if he asks questions just talk about something else but above all NO LIES! I told them if DAMM asks if I got a new car, they can say yes and talk about something else. He did ask them and they did very well.

Dear Ex:

Pursuant to my attorneys' advice I am sending this letter to inform you that the children will not be at the police department on Friday, July 4, 2008 for visitation. My attorneys have advised me that since the children were not returned to me on Sunday, June ___, 2008 that all visitation should cease until a court hearing can be scheduled. You should receive notice of this hearing in the near future.

Also, my attorneys have advised me that all further communication should be addressed by email. My email address is xxxxxxxxx. This email account is solely and exclusively for communication regarding visitation. Please do not use this email account to communicate regarding any other subject.

I think this should be it. Do not tell him you know when the hearing is, wait for him to be served to find out. Also, he never got the first letter. You bringing that up may make the judge ask what happened at the police dept. and that doesn't need to be dredged up again. You also should not dictate when modifications should be made and why give him the opportunity to do so. This is not legal advice, only my personal opinion. I do not practice family law. (my disclaimer)

Very nicely done

DAMM,

This letter is to inform you that my attorney has recommended that all future communication between us regarding visitation is to be handled via email. I have set up an email account solely for this purpose which will be checked daily. The email address is xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxx. Please note that if there are any changes in the visitation, 24 hour notice must be given.

My attorney has further advised that due to recent issues with the summer schedule visitation, all visitation will cease until a court date can be set and our visitation schedules can be straightened out.


Thought this my help. Looks a little more legal. Straight to the point. Good luck!!!
P.S. I have a degree as a paralegal if you ever need any advice on legal wording.

Very nicely worded
I think I'll use a combo between the two. I agree about not telling him about the future court date, he'll get that from my atty's letter!
Thanks for all the PRAYERS! Only 16 more days till court! Keep on praying that JTB sees the truth and holds DAMM accountable.

Mulan

 

[momx2]

I'm glad all went well! I hope the kids are okay.

 

[Goofydiane]

Don't forget to send the letter with some sort of delivery confirmation ability, either certified or 2-day mail or something that you can track and prove that the letter reached the destination it was to reach. Otherwise you may see DAMM pull the 'I never received it' letter and have the police tracking you down for not bringing the kids to him on Friday.

Glad everyone is home safe and sound!

 

[poohfriend]

i was so afraid he'd pull something.

Get the letter in the mail asap! tomorrow!



you have your children!!!

so glad.

 

[2poohbears]

I'm SO GLAD he showed up with the children!!! I know you must be relieved, and feeling better now they are with you. Thank goodness all went well.

I'll keep my fingers crossed about court.

 

[cherjp]

Phew what a relief! thank goodness your cherubs are back safe and sound and well done Mulan , you acted very professional! think about it this way he was probably glad to give you back your cherubs because he probably couldnt cope with being full time carer!!! and i use that word loosely!

take care and enjoy your weekend ,

love
cheryl
xx

 

[DisneyBrat]

Mulan,

I just had a thought as I was reading your last email... Does this change the communication issue since you actually got the kids to call him? I assume that his cell is now back on. You might want to ask your attorney.

He can say no your honor my phone is working... See here's a call from my kids on x/xx/xxxx


Lew

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

Mulan,

I just had a thought as I was reading your last email... Does this change the communication issue since you actually got the kids to call him? I assume that his cell is now back on. You might want to ask your attorney.

He can say no your honor my phone is working... See here's a call from my kids on x/xx/xxxx


Lew

No, they called his house. Surprisingly he answered. I ask the kids every night if they want to call him- if they say yes, then I let them call his house, since he keeps his answering machine off idea: he probably doesn't know how to turn it on) then its his loss, but recorded on my cell phone log.
I sent off the letter today- thanks momx2 and suzanna1973 for the help
Little Climber- had to go to the vet today! $87 ...He has HERPES and an Ulcer in his eye- so he is on 2 antibiotics and Lysine. DAMM will be getting a copy of that bill too!
Mulan

 

[Mulan'sWarrior]

DD, DS and I went to a puppet show tonight - the kids were so happy and had so much fun, then on the way home they literally broke out into 2 little demons from HE((. They just started hitting and punching each other for no reason DS grabbed DD neck and was trying to choke her! I pulled the car over and stopped them, explained to DS that what he did was ASSAULT and cannot do that and asked DD what she wanted to do- she said call the police and put him in jail, DS began to cry and said he didn't mean to do it. Then as they calmed down and I drove home, as we pull in, DS gets out of the car and has completely disassembled the charger cord to the DVD player NOW, I'm blowing my stack - they BOTH sat in timeout while I tried and tried and tried to fix it. After multiple attempts, I asked DS if there were any other parts, he says,"yeah, the string part" so I go back to car and look and look- I found a small fuse, I asked DS is this the part, he says yes, so I put the thing back together....it works, THANK GOD!
I ask them what the heck is going on? They say, I don't know. DAMM told us too! So I explained to them the rules of LIFE....You don't do what someone else tells you to do ESPECIALLY if you know its wrong! Then I made them do 25 pushups....they did 2 sets of 50 on there own before they asked "how many were we suppose to do?" Oh well...then when I told them they did another set of 25 each guess they felt really bad....
I took away their TV time and sent them off to bed.
I just don't get it?
Mulan

 

[HookdonWDW]

DD, DS and I went to a puppet show tonight - the kids were so happy and had so much fun, then on the way home they literally broke out into 2 little demons from HE((. They just started hitting and punching each other for no reason DS grabbed DD neck and was trying to choke her! I pulled the car over and stopped them, explained to DS that what he did was ASSAULT and cannot do that and asked DD what she wanted to do- she said call the police and put him in jail, DS began to cry and said he didn't mean to do it. Then as they calmed down and I drove home, as we pull in, DS gets out of the car and has completely disassembled the charger cord to the DVD player NOW, I'm blowing my stack - they BOTH sat in timeout while I tried and tried and tried to fix it. After multiple attempts, I asked DS if there were any other parts, he says,"yeah, the string part" so I go back to car and look and look- I found a small fuse, I asked DS is this the part, he says yes, so I put the thing back together....it works, THANK GOD!
I ask them what the heck is going on? They say, I don't know. DAMM told us too! So I explained to them the rules of LIFE....You don't do what someone else tells you to do ESPECIALLY if you know its wrong! Then I made them do 25 pushups....they did 2 sets of 50 on there own before they asked "how many were we suppose to do?" Oh well...then when I told them they did another set of 25 each guess they felt really bad....
I took away their TV time and sent them off to bed.
I just don't get it?
Mulan

JMHO...

They're kids. They were acting like kids. They will repeat what they have witnessed. With that said, I really think that you over reacted. How old is your son? 3? And you tell him that when he chokes your dd, that it is assault??? You have dd to the point where she is ready to call the police? One of the three of you needs to be the voice of reason, and since you're the parent it falls on you. Kids are going to fight. My brother and I had some knock down drag out fights, and we neither killed each other or ended up in jail, lol. As a matter of fact, he is now one of my favorite people in the universe. Explain to them that it's never okay to touch another person in anger. Explain that they need to treat each other (and their belongings) with respect. Make the punishment fit the crime. DS destroys the power to the car DVD player? No car DVD player for him for a week. Why was your dd in timeout? From what you posted, your issue was with your ds, not your dd.

Our kids all drive us crazy, that's what early bedtimes are for, lol. Just take a deep breath, and realize that this too shall pass.

 

[momx2]

Unfortunately, I also think you overreacted. I really have not cared for the whole exercise as punishment thing. My DDs think exercise is fun. Your kids may not like to exercise later in life if you use it as punishment. Why would you tell a 3 yr. old that he "assaulted" someone and ask your DD (victim?) what she wanted to do? They are kids. Kids fight. I have seen my then 3 yr. old DD tackle her big sis on a few occasions (Oldest DD kinda deserved it). Your children are repeating what they see and it doesn't look good for your ex or for you. You need to be the voice of reason (parent), not the police officer.

 

[Keara'sMom]

I agree with the other posters about over-reacting, but I have to say that I've been guilty of that as a parent myself, so I'm hoping that you don't beat yourself up about it. In my opinion, the kids are testing. Their limits (if there are any) are totally different at DAMM's house, and they're acting out now because of it to see what will happen. That's what little kids do. I also think that asking them why they misbehave is opening a can of worms, since kids typically don't know why and will either say that they don't know or make something up. Just stay consistent and reasonable, and I'll bet they'll start acting more like themselves the longer they're with you.

 

[debjoisme]

Mulan I have been reading your story from the start and I have agreed with most of what you do, but I have to step in here for a minute. I too am a divorced single parent of two children. They are both adults now, but we have gone through many, many of the same things your family has been through. You really need to choose the words that you speak to your kids very carefully~ and I believe that this last flare up way way off the mark. While I understand that you were in a terrible releationship, by saying your son assulted your daughter you were putting all of YOUR hurt and pain on his small but very trusting soul. He is a child, and children fight between themselves, was it wrong that he choaked his sister~ yes, but that being said~ he is only 3. I also don't agree that you have them doing push ups as their punishment. Children should be taught that any exercise should be fun, and something that will help them grow to be fit and healthy. Not something that they will grow to resent. Believe me when I say that I've had my share of being the parent, the teacher, the bad guy (when they needed time outs) and by being frustrated by how hard it all was sometimes. But believe me when I say that with extra amounts of kindness, understanding, and just being there all of the time with no boundries~ you will end up with loving, caring and just plain good adults in the end. Was it hard~you bet, but it was worth every step that we had to take. And you know what~ you will grow just as much as they do~ but in so many ways that you never could have believed possible when all of this started. I am on your side, but remember that the kids are going through the same frustrations, disappointments and just plain old heartaches that you are going through, and it's your job as mom to make sure they come through the fire with as little scars as possible.
Take care, and stay strong, but it's time to step back, breathe, and just believe that it is all worth it!!
Debbie

 

[poohfriend]

My kids get physical all the time (DS, 4 especially!). Even the older 2 kids (7 and 9) will hit each other. We just talk about how it's best to treat others the way you want to be treated!! We ask forgiveness of each other...and say "i forgive you." I don't make them hug, but often that's exactly what happens.

I find time out, away from everyone else to be the most effective punishment for 4 yo. (My other children are old enough to lose privledges and that works better for them.)

Sibling stuff is so hard to deal with. But the advantage is kids have to learn how to deal with all sorts of social situations in the home. This helps them later.

My gut instinct when I read the first part of your story was that the kids are just over-tired. Perhaps even sleep deprived. Since you don't know how much sleep they've had over the past week (or diet for that matter) I would want to throw them back into routine ASAP. I know you want to do some fun activities as a family, but kids absolutely thrive on routine and knowing what to expect. Since they probably have NO routine with DAMM, you're home will feel even more secure to them if they know what to expect.

My kids are a little overtired this week too. We've had one thing after another the entire month of June. And I let my oldest stay up late doing activiites with her best friend (who's been out of town for 3 weeks) and she's wiped! Lack of sleep does things to all of us. My 4 year old get MEAN and disobeys a lot.

I also suspect that "DAMM told us to" is somthing they think they can tell you that will diffuse your anger at poor behavior.

Mulan, I have my own issues as a parent. I have overreacted too. So know that I'm not casting stones, but rather offering support. The other day my 4 yo acted like he was 2 -- and it's a whole lot harder to carry a kicking and screaming 4 year old out of a store! Again, I know he's overtired ... but I was really frustated by the time we got to the car...and I listened to him scream about how he wanted candy the entire way home. A couple good nights sleep and he's closer to his sweet self!

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Mulan,

My brother and sister and I used to beat the snot out of each other. Our parents were happily married, we had love and joy everywhere we went. We never saw abusive behavior in any form. Kids do this, especially when they're close in age. And, ten minutes after the "I hate yous" are all said and done, we'd be making up a new game and having a grand ole time.

You have to separate "abuse" and "assault" from stupid sibling crap. Your kids have enough stress and, I'm sure, even "guilt" from all that is going on. You need to treat this as a sibling thing and not an abuse thing. This isn't one of your domestic violence lectures.

Listen, we all overreact sometimes, it's normal. And, your senses are heightened because of all you've been through. I can't imagine that DAMM, in the quick phone call the kids made to him, told your son to dismantle the wire to the DVD player - your son was being a kid. Kids do dumb things. Mine once took scissors to my comforter. I asked why. He said, "I don't know." My other son took a pen to the back of the seat on my car (btw, pen is impossible to remove). I asked why. He said, "I don't know." Kids smack each other, do bad things all the time.

You need to deal with each thing individually and appropriately. Again, I strongly suggest you use something other than exercise as a punishment. You are going to want your kids to look at exercise as a fun and healthy activity for their future - they will come to regard it as punishment. Time outs are appropriate. Naughty mats. Losing privileges. Etc.

None of us are perfect - and anyone that posts here that thinks they've reacted to every one of their children's screw ups with grace and dignity is a liar. This is just constructive advice that I hope you will consider.