Moving away from kids...

[Help Please!]

If you leave your kids, they will never forgive you. Believe me, I know.

You have to stay there for them. Get counseling and move back in with your wife, or get a job and find a cheap apartment...get a new phone number, don't give your new address/phone number away, and you will "get away" a bit.

If you can't handle doing that...then go see a therapist. I do not mean this harshly, I am seeing one now for my own issues. But your kids need you, and you need to figure out a way to get what you need so you can stay nearby and be the best dad for them.

 

[lvillotta1]

MAN UP!!!!! What is up with men like you who just disappear off into thin air. You have kids to care for and be their DAD!!!! Get some counseling and FAST!!! Make things right and not run b/c "you feel you are being suffocated." Go back to school and learn a new career so you can be successful if that is what is needed. What was wrong with being a SAHD? I know many men who are doing that while their wives work. So be it if she makes more money than you. If you decide to leave just know that you still have to pay child support and since you are not working that will be difficult. I doubt the situation will change if you move to Dallas. Sounds like you are getting a free ride. So sad. To think that you and your ex created your children and such a proud dad the day they were born. What happened to all of that. You owe it to your children to stay. Move to a different neighborhood. My heart breaks for your children.

 

[bellebud]

And really, other than the current living arrangements, I am doing pretty well... My wife and I, even though still married, had been living pretty separate lives for the last few years.. I actually stop by and visit her to cope with my mom...

so having to live w/ your mom is the problem really... but you moving is going to damage your kids - that's so unfair to them. I know many divorced dads who get the short end of the stick (so to speak) - being the ones that move out, don't get to see the kids as much, etc, but they deal with it, and you can too.

Like others said, work 2 jobs - you can do it for a little while, enough time to save up a bit to get a studio apartment. it doesn't have to be forever. things will be hard for a while, that's usually the nature of divorce. not to be mean, but honestly to be supportive - suck it up. You can do it! Your kids are worth it.

Good luck and get out of your moms house - but not in another state. Stay as local to your kids as you can.

 

[Robbi]

I have never been a stay at home mom....

But actually have been a semi stay at home dad... Which is now leading to other problems, basically in the area of employment.. Always been the one that worked jobs that allowed us to avoid daycare, my wife makes really good money, I don't... So now stuck living with my mother, and that's where the suffocation comes in...

If you can find employment then find a room mate to help pay expenses on an apt or house, , it wouldn't be so bad. God, if I had to move in with my mother, I'd find a cliff and jump so I can definitely understand that part of it. The thing is your kids are your number 1 priority. We have to put up with an awful lot for them but that's our job.
You will never regret staying but you might always regret leaving.

 

[moon]

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

Two, three days each month? Do you really find that acceptable?

 

[kate_wdw]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

Feel like I really need to hit the restart button, feel really suffocated by family and friends... Plus the job market down there seems to be much better..

I'd suggest that you think about how those reasons will be understood and interpreted by your kids both now and in the future.

Also is it feasible to think that you'll be able to fly up and spend 2-3 days with your children each month indefinitely? What if you get re-married or have more children (and your time and money are in shorter supply)? What if you run into financial trouble? What will happen to your relationship with your kids as the reach their teen years and won't necessarily want to carve out 2-3 days for uninterrupted togetherness? And finally, is it really fair to your ex-wife and your kids to relinquish parenting responsibility 90% of the time? (Although realistically, if you're only visiting 2-3 days per month, you’ll most likely be doing even less than 10% of the heavy lifting of parenting duty.)

What if I would just go down for 3-4 months?? Find a temp job thru a financial staffing company....

Your kids are already going through a major transition right now. Why add to their stress unnecessarily?

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

You live in a major metropolitan area where there are jobs to be had and you have a support system in place. If you don’t like living with your mother, live with someone else, get more than one job (so that you an afford your own place and/or have less contact with her), spend a lot of time of the house, etc. In a nutshell, use some problem-solving and think about both the long-term and short-term impact on both you and your kids. There are loads of potential solutions that wouldn’t require you to leave your children.

 

[ronandannette]

I obviously know nothing of your specific situation beyond what little you've told us. It sounds like you and your wife had a bit of a role-reversal over the years which is becoming more common. But I'm wondering why you wouldn't pursue the normal course of action that pretty much any woman would take if she were in your shoes:

Lawyer up and arrange for a equitable split of the assets and income. As the primary care-giver and only having held part-time employment most wives in the position you find yourself would be pursuing spousal support, finding whatever work they could to get on their feet and not even CONSIDERING leaving the kids for a job. Heck, most of them would be remaining in the marital home and applying for primary physical custody. Is there some reason why you haven't gone this route?

 

[HHSTigerFan]

My lawyer said I could get spousal maintenance for a few years, I told him no way, she needs that income to raise the kids and keep the house going.. Just like I refused to take a single thing, other than my clothes, out of the house..

 

[Granny square]

My lawyer said I could get spousal maintenance for a few years, I told him no way, she needs that income to raise the kids and keep the house going.. Just like I refused to take a single thing, other than my clothes, out of the house..

You'd be better off taking some things and not leaving your kids. It rather they would be better off. My dad lived cross country. Saw him twice a year. Not cool. I was an adult before we sorted out our relationship.

Eventually you would have to move out of your friends home and then the extra cash would evaporate.

Feeling suffocated? Suck it up. Your kids feel worse. :/

 

[HHSTigerFan]

And maybe I need to mention the other part of the equation...

My friend that I can live with in Dallas is a college girlfriend that I have remained friends with for 20 years... The last 2-3 years she has been a great help as I worked thru my problems, went down to visit her and there was a huge spark still there..

 

[teller80]

Why don't you fly down there and see her 2-3 days a month, and see how well that relationship works out? It's what you're wanting to do to your kids.

 

[Minniesgal]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

The word that concerns me in your post is the word recently. Being separated is a major life stress and my advice would be not to make a second major decision too soon after the first stress. I'd let things settle and no doubt other opportunities will come along later

The other point I would make is your kids are you my but they won't be forever. Mine are 18 15 and 10 and it really seems like the older two were 8 and 5 yesterday. Miss those years and in my opinion you will regret it more than missing out on a relationship that you passes on 20 years ago. Our children are with us such a short time do t miss out on it

 

[Disney Doll]

Time to put on the big boy boxers and deal with it.

Not happy living with Mom? Get a couple of jobs so you're not there other than to sleep. If you're not there, Mom can't annoy you. Believe me I understand the whole "living with an annoying mother" thing...I've had several friends go through it.

Basically your life should consist of working and being with your kids right now because yes, if you were a woman whose husband had just moved out, you'd be working and dealing with the kids and that would be it. There would be no option of "finding yourself", decompressing, unsuffocating or anything else. If you work a couple of jobs, it gives you more money to be able to save to get your own place. A guy living alone needs a studio apartment, not mansion. Find a Residence Inn kind of place in your area and try to cut a deal. There are many options. You say that you spend a fair amount if time at the family home. Is there an extra bedroom? Could you sleep there somehow? Know another divorced guy? Does he want to do something together in terms of housing? Cut the "poor me I don't make a lot of money I have no options I live with my mom" pity party and start to take some action.

Sorry my friend, sounds to me like you want to go skipping off into a new life somewhere and pretend you don't have kids.

Not good.

You can't run from troubles... There ain't no place that far.

 

[BlovesC]

And maybe I need to mention the other part of the equation...

My friend that I can live with in Dallas is a college girlfriend that I have remained friends with for 20 years... The last 2-3 years she has been a great help as I worked thru my problems, went down to visit her and there was a huge spark still there..

OK, so I think it's becoming clear that you've made your choice and no one's comments here are going to sway you any which way. You want out of your mom's place, you want to pursue a relationship with your ex. and you want to get a job. Your kids are what, third, fourth place on your list of priorities? So give up custody and move.

I realize all you originally asked is "what's it like to live so far from your kids?" and no one has specifically answered that for you because it's likely most posters don't really know. You might find it hard to find answers regarding that because most people who are content to never see their kids are likely not going to post about their parenting woes all over the internet. You'll have to find out for yourself I guess.

 

[mrsklamc]

And maybe I need to mention the other part of the equation...

My friend that I can live with in Dallas is a college girlfriend that I have remained friends with for 20 years... The last 2-3 years she has been a great help as I worked thru my problems, went down to visit her and there was a huge spark still there..

Wow. Just wow. Do you really think this makes what you are considering more acceptable, rather than less? You are considering leaving your children so you can be with a woman?!? You really think they are going to forgive you for that?!?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Well this thread has changed a bit since I last visited.

I hope OP makes the right, responsible choice for his family.

 

[Nancyg56]

And maybe I need to mention the other part of the equation... My friend that I can live with in Dallas is a college girlfriend that I have remained friends with for 20 years... The last 2-3 years she has been a great help as I worked thru my problems, went down to visit her and there was a huge spark still there..

So here us the real reason you want to move on..... Do yourself a favor and at least own the move you want to make. This is not about a better job, a suffocating mother, or clearing your head. You can do what you want, but stop trying to validate your decision.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

My dh's dad moved away at 8yo and he felt abandoned. He is 46 and it still haunts him today. It is a pain that never leaves you, ever.

Basically due to your kids ages, you will become a stranger to them.

 

[mrsklamc]

As I mentioned previously, my parents divorced when I was 14. I did not mention that my mother moved away to be with a man. I am expecting my first child and was just thinking yesterday how even with the child yet to be born I would NEVER understand how someone could choose, as a parent, to abandon a child (and yes abandoning them is what it would be) for a romantic relationship.

So basically if you do this, you need to acknowledge and accept that you are putting this woman in front of your kids, and know that someday when they have children they will wonder what kind of person you are that you could do that to your children.

 

[RitaE]

Well, seems like we've moved into the Rationalization phase.