Moving away from kids...

[HHSTigerFan]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

 

[okeydokey]

Wow. I know I could never do it. There has to be a way for you to find some peace in your life while still being there for your children. It is not hopeless, even if it feels that way now. Are you seeing a counselor, it may help.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Tough Tough decision...
I hope that you are able to be an active integral part of your childrens' lives...they deserve it and so do you...I hope it works out for all of you..and best of luck.....

 

[Colleen27]

I wouldn't do it. Your kids are already going through a lot with you moving out. Kids tend to feel abandoned even when both parents are making their best effort in a situation like that. Moving across the country is only going to make it worse on them. Phone calls, e-mails, and Skype don't make up for not being there in person when they need you.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I wouldn't do it. Your kids are already going through a lot with you moving out. Kids tend to feel abandoned even when both parents are making their best effort in a situation like that. Moving across the country is only going to make it worse on them. Phone calls, e-mails, and Skype don't make up for not being there in person when they need you.

I agree with this. DH and his brothers are still resentful toward their mother(one I the best people I have ever met) and favored their father(not one of the best people I have ever met).

I know this can't be easy OP, but I hope you find some kind of resolution. *hugs*

 

[Kellydelly]

I wouldn't do it. My dad moved from Michigan to Florida when I was 19 and I felt abandoned. Sounds stupid, but true. My parents split a couple times between when I was 8 and 12 when my dad moved out for good. I have serious daddy issues! All four of his kids, well actually 7 of us do. Divorce is horrible.

 

[HHSTigerFan]

I was wanting to do it for just a few years, then look to get back to the area... Feel like I really need to hit the restart button, feel really suffocated by family and friends... Plus the job market down there seems to be much better..

 

[aylarosie]

Don't do it .Your children need you nearby ,in 8 -10 years if you want to relocate do it then.You will regret not being in there everyday lives. They need both parents to be there for them.Good luck I hope you find peace in your life.

 

[HHSTigerFan]

What if I would just go down for 3-4 months?? Find a temp job thru a financial staffing company....

 

[brockash]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

Absolutely not! -if nothing else for your kids sake. I'm sure you're going through a lot, but I'm assuming you still want to be an influential full-time parent?....Honestly even if you don't want to you owe it to your kids to be. The only way I'd consider it a good idea would be if you were a negative influence on your kids. I was raised by divorced parents and we moved across the country away from my dad when I was 10. While we really had great parents and a pretty good situation given the circumstances, mtg sisters and have always and still do consider my dad, step-mom etc as more of extended family as opposed to a parent-child relationship. I will also say we were at a disadvantage not having both parents in the same area. - And this was with very regular communication and visits etc. I know it's not always possible, but if ever at all possible I believe a parent needs to be in the same and as close to their kids as geographically possible.

ETA: I can't tell you how many times I would just want a hug from my dad...but it wasn't physically possible. Your kids will suffer if you move away from them.

 

[Angelhalo]

This makes no sense for any length of time. You need to stay in your children's lives, near them. And, you need help to deal with whatever "suffocation" issue is making you want to run. Your kids should mean more than any "suffocation" by friends and family.

 

[mjkacmom]

If your marriage is ending, this is a very tough time for your kids. Do not abandon them now. Yes, sometimes adults need to put their needs first. I think your kids' needs come first in this situation. They are having their world turned upside down - don'g make it even worse for them.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Our son tried it, hoping he could advance his career. Missed his kids so badly he ended up taking a major pay cut and an undesirable position to move back.

 

[RitaE]

Well since you specifically ask for Comments I will say that you couldn't separate me from children with anything less than a Court order and legion of bodyguards. I only have one child left under the age of 18 but if something were to happen to my marriage and my child was living with his Father, I'd be trying to buy the house next door.

This would not only be for my sake (which is not a small matter) but because I firmly believe children (outside of factors such as abuse or drug use) need two parents as much as possible and whenever possible. Sometimes it is unavoidable but otherwise, two. The adult kids are a different matter, they're allowed to move further away from me but they better keep in touch.

But otherwise I will say you sound like you are in much pain right now and struggling. I'm sorry for that and I hope it works into an agreeable solution for you and your children.

 

[LisaR]

What if I would just go down for 3-4 months?? Find a temp job thru a financial staffing company....

How are you able to anticipate how much time you will need until you no longer feel like you are suffocating? In all likelihood, you would get down there and not return.

Chicago is a big city with plenty of suburbs. Can't you move away from those who are suffocating you, find new friends, find yourself, start anew, and still be near your kids?

 

[Handbag Lady]

So take a two-week vacation and clear the cobwebs.

Or buy a convertible car and clear the cobwebs every day. Don't up and leave your kids.

 

[sonnyjane]

What if I would just go down for 3-4 months?? Find a temp job thru a financial staffing company....

To me that makes even less sense than moving permanently. Nothing you're enduring now will be fixed by 3 months of geographical separation, but it MIGHT be fixed by seeing a counselor and not moving at all.

My parents divorced when I was 7. They actually did so on relatively good terms, but my mom moved to Pennsylvania to live near family and my dad stayed in Colorado. He didn't (still doesn't) make much money so that's all the travel he could afford. I saw my dad once a year for a week until I went to college and haven't seen him in person since (I'm 30 now, for reference). It's not that we don't speak ever, but we only speak about once a month or so. I've been married for 5 years and he's never met my husband. We just don't have closeness that "normal" families have. It's more like talking to a long lost uncle - checking in and seeing what he's up to occasionally.

That's the best case scenario in my opinion! My brother and sister are both suffering from severe depression and substance abuse issues. If you ask them why, they both cite the fact that their dad (different than my dad) abandoned them after the divorce. Same drill - they only see each other once or twice a year - and now that they are adults over 18, they haven't seen their father in a couple of years either.

I'm not saying that every kid that goes through a divorce is damaged because I feel like I came out okay, but if you expect to have any type of normal relationship with your kids, you need to stay close by.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Tigerfan,

It sounds like you are really struggling!

It sounds like you do need what many of us need from time to time... A break.... a 'mental health break'.

I don't know the details of your situation.
I don't know what the arrangements would be for your kids.

I do not know what kind of family, friends, support system, that would there for you if you were to move.
(I think it is safe to say that would NOT recommend that you make such a move if there is not such a support system.)

If you need some time and some real help and support, in order to be able to then 'be there' for your kids. Then, by all means, make that happen.

I am not sure that moving miles away for months is the best answer.

We all could use a real break from time to time.
But, I think one needs to recognize the difference between taking a break, and running.

Like others have said, these situations can have a devastating and lasting impact on children at this age. If possible at all, do everything to take care of yourself and get yourself into a better place, while the real objective is to be there for your kids, as soon a possible, and as much as possible.

We are all hoping that things improve and work out for the best for you!

 

[disneyhand]

Please don't move far away from your kids. Look into some type of counseling. It just sounds too much like you are running away and it is for certain your children that will suffer most.

Find a way to figure out what is making you feel suffocated and do something else about it. You don't need a long distance move to figure a solution to your problems. Moving is taking the easy way out, but only for you. And it will not solve your problems.

I sincerely wish you the best, but I get the feeling you've already made up your mind to move.

 

[disneydee6]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

I'll start this off by saying I don't have any kids. However, my boyfriend is in this situation. He has two daughters that live VERY far away, and unfortunately, he doesn't see them often. I think it is incredibly hard on his kids, and on their mother, and it's hard on him too. He is financially responsible and calls them daily, but that can't replace being there for them, on a day to day basis. BUT finances are what forced this situation. She moved away with the kids, and he did not. It is hard on all of them, it isn't easy, but they make it work. I seem to be the lone opinion on this (but again, I don't have kids so maybe that's why) but maybe a move wouldn't be the worst thing. Especially if you are feeling unhappy and suffocated. Even if you are present for your kids, if you are feeling so poorly, is it better? Good luck with your decision. It's a lot to think about, talk to loved ones, a counselor, whatever will help.