Moving away from kids...

[Styx Fan]

Since you ask.....absolutely you should not abandon your kids. There is no substitute for being THERE. Having kids is lifelong responsibility.....(at least until they are adults) and not one you can just bail on because your life isn't what you want. And the other parent should not be made into a complete single parent because you want to escape. It took 2 have a kid and it takes 2 to raise them if at all possible.

I have a good friend who divorced about 4-5 years ago, with kids from 3-10. Dad moved to the other end of the country for his "dream job". Same company where he had a great, well-paying job right here, but this job was more what he wanted. Kids were devastated. Mom overwhelmed and left being a very stressed out parent. Kids could not take part in as many activities, church things, school things as they could have because she just couldn't manage it all without help. Dad ended up with a woman in his new area with 3 (?) kids. His kids are now resentful that other kids are living with their daddy while they rarely see him.

Sorry if I seem harsh, but this is how I see it. You don't get to leave. Now, if you had an amazing job lined up that could insure you could fly back to see the kids OFTEN and pay for some help at home and sock away enough money to pay for a wonderful education and have them visit you OFTEN, it might be worth examining. Maybe.

 

[HHSTigerFan]

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

 

[Angelhalo]

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

Your children need you more than 2-3 days per month.

 

[brockash]

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

I get that it sounds like a great getaway right now...but no, never...you're going to regret it, your kids are going to suffer for it. Your ex, family, friends and kids are all going to see it as you abandoning your kids and your responsibility...and really they're not wrong...I get that you may not see it that way right now, but you need to stay physically in the same area as your kids if at all possible, which it sounds like it is. See a counselor and actually figure out what's going on and how to healthily fix it....leaving your kids and your ex to raise your kids without you is not the answer.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Couldn't the ex also use this as leverage for custody after the divorce?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Don't do it. Not right now anyway. You said you are recently separated, that is enough upheaval for your kids right now. They are used to seeing you more than they probably are right now and you will be gong to even less if you move. Don't do it to them, don't do it to yourself either. They will see it as you moving away from them,not moving towards something new.

 

[mrsklamc]

No, no, no. Don't do it. My parents divorced when I was 14, and I was just thinking this morning that I will never understand how a mother could move away from her child like that.

 

[lovemygoofy]

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

If you are already making these arguments, are you separating from your children in your mind? Do you have your children now? Are you taking care of them? If you feel like they are suffocating you, they can feel your emotions. These children need a parent checking in 100% especially in this time of emotional upheaval.

So what happens when you get to Dallas? Will the children live with their father? Have you been a SAHM until now? You plan to just dump them and say "good luck?" What happens if you have to start paying child support?

Running away may seem like a good idea and easy out but think about a plan and repercussions. You are going to miss everyday things and kisses and hugs and milestones at school. Are you prepared for tears and tantrums and screaming for you but you turn away? Please please stop and think about this further.

Get off the internet and away from all these opinions including mine and get some help.

 

[lisaviolet]

EDIT: After reading the new part of the story I don't even want my thoughts on here. Wow.

 

[java]

A big part of the reason I am looking to Dallas is for financial reasons, basically a friend has offered to let me live there for the most part free.. Which would allow be to fly back home for 2-3 days each month to see the kids..

I'm sorry but kids need a whole lot more than 2-3 days a month. They will remember it for the rest of their lives. It also will not look great if here is any kind of custody dispute.

Good luck with your decision. Put on your big girl/boy undies and deal.

 

[HHSTigerFan]

I have never been a stay at home mom....

But actually have been a semi stay at home dad... Which is now leading to other problems, basically in the area of employment.. Always been the one that worked jobs that allowed us to avoid daycare, my wife makes really good money, I don't... So now stuck living with my mother, and that's where the suffocation comes in...

 

[HHSTigerFan]

And really, other than the current living arrangements, I am doing pretty well... My wife and I, even though still married, had been living pretty separate lives for the last few years.. I actually stop by and visit her to cope with my mom...

 

[sonnyjane]

I have never been a stay at home mom.... But actually have been a semi stay at home dad... Which is now leading to other problems, basically in the area of employment.. Always been the one that worked jobs that allowed us to avoid daycare, my wife makes really good money, I don't... So now stuck living with my mother, and that's where the suffocation comes in...

I think the fact that you were home so often would make the move worse. Like going from 60 to 0 in no time flat. You can find odd jobs and get a crappy studio apartment in the meantime until you get something more stable if you can't take living with family, but I think that's better than moving away. My dad still calls me to apologize 23 years later that he wasn't around while I was growing up.

 

[mom2rtk]

Hugs to you OP. I hope you can find some relief.

But moving so far away will change who your kids are. Don't underestimate that. And don't do it.

 

[lisaviolet]

I have never been a stay at home mom....

But actually have been a semi stay at home dad... Which is now leading to other problems, basically in the area of employment.. Always been the one that worked jobs that allowed us to avoid daycare, my wife makes really good money, I don't... So now stuck living with my mother, and that's where the suffocation comes in...

So change it.

Or change your thoughts about it.

 

[Mama Mouse]

I don't know how to say this gently.

There is nothing, NOTHING you could ever say to your kids to make it not hurt them. Badly. You've been staying home with them part time and now suddenly you'll see them maybe 2-3 days a month. How devastating.

I get that you are looking for a way out but I don't think doing this to your kids should even be on the table as an option. Get an apartment. Find a roomie. Do what you need to do there but don't abandon your kids. But if you do, be prepared for the repercussions.

 

[Louise-Montreal]

If you are already making these arguments, are you separating from your children in your mind? Do you have your children now? Are you taking care of them? If you feel like they are suffocating you, they can feel your emotions. These children need a parent checking in 100% especially in this time of emotional upheaval.

So what happens when you get to Dallas? Will the children live with their father? Have you been a SAHM until now? You plan to just dump them and say "good luck?" What happens if you have to start paying child support?

Running away may seem like a good idea and easy out but think about a plan and repercussions. You are going to miss everyday things and kisses and hugs and milestones at school. Are you prepared for tears and tantrums and screaming for you but you turn away? Please please stop and think about this further.

Get off the internet and away from all these opinions including mine and get some help.

Tina - I love you! Your advice is always so sensible and right on!

 

[minnie mum]

Recently separated, struggling to find my way and feeling suffocated, have the chance to move from the Chicago area to Dallas... But have two kids, age 8 and 10... Anyone else live so far away from their kids?? Comments??

I was wanting to do it for just a few years, then look to get back to the area... Feel like I really need to hit the restart button, feel really suffocated by family and friends... Plus the job market down there seems to be much better..

What if I would just go down for 3-4 months?? Find a temp job thru a financial staffing company....

I have never been a stay at home mom....

But actually have been a semi stay at home dad... Which is now leading to other problems, basically in the area of employment.. Always been the one that worked jobs that allowed us to avoid daycare, my wife makes really good money, I don't... So now stuck living with my mother, and that's where the suffocation comes in...

In the end you will do what you think you have to do. It would be my hope that you would seek competent counselling from a therapist before doing anything. Did you and your wife ever seek counselling together? A Marriage counsellor might be able to help with the separation problems that you are encountering as well.

Just be aware that if you choose to move away, you will be changing the relationship with your children irrevocably. You cannot expect to come back in a few months or years or decades and expect to step back into a warm, trusting relationship with your children. That relationship will have been permanently damaged.

And for God's sake move out of mommy's house. Get a cheap place or share with someone if you have to.

 

[okeydokey]

I have never been a stay at home mom....

But actually have been a semi stay at home dad... Which is now leading to other problems, basically in the area of employment.. Always been the one that worked jobs that allowed us to avoid daycare, my wife makes really good money, I don't... So now stuck living with my mother, and that's where the suffocation comes in...

Your living situation is temporary. What you are thinking of doing to your children can create harm that lasts forever. You can make something else work. I hope you do.

 

[Jennasis]

You work two jobs...three jobs...whatever it takes to afford a little place of your own near your kids. That/'s just how it works. You fight for them...to be with them. They need you. And ultimately you need them.

End of story.

Good luck.