Mother won't let my DSD go. Vent!

[eliza61]

Praying you get your extra pixie dust.

 

[FireDancer]

Ugh, I hate when parents use their children as a weapon which is what it sounds like her mom does. Good luck.

What is the deal with the vacation time though? I must be reading something wrong because it sounds like your husband can only take vacation during two weeks in October. I hope I'm reading that wrong because that sounds miserable.

 

[marcyinPA]

May I politely ask why? You would really make your kid miss out on an opportunity because you couldn't be there?

Does that extend to other places also? for example, if you're kid gets the opportunity to go to Europe, do you tell them no because you can't take them?

just trying to understand the thought behind it. I ask because the two examples I've heard this excuse the parent who says that ends up never taking the child.

Now I know there are millions of well rounded kids that grow up just fine without ever stepping onto Main Street, I just can't imagine denying my kid some thing memorable (be it disney, Europe or a ballgame) just because I couldn't be the one to give it too them (for whatever reason).

Simply curious.

I agree with this, and I wondered the same thing when I read the post you are responding to. At the end of the day, it is only a trip to Disney. (hey, I love it just as much as the next person, but you need to put things in perspective sometimes!)

 

[thelittlethings]

Ugh, I hate when parents use their children as a weapon which is what it sounds like her mom does. Good luck.

What is the deal with the vacation time though? I must be reading something wrong because it sounds like your husband can only take vacation during two weeks in October. I hope I'm reading that wrong because that sounds miserable.

He works in a factory and that is when they stop most production for a few weeks. It's called "vacation shutdown". He also can ask up to 48 hours of personal time for the year but that is not considered his "vacation". I asked what the lawyer said about the other 48hrs as well, and the lawyer agreed that if there is a vacation period then that is when my DH vacation time technically is. I guess we will find out what the court thinks...

 

[aaarcher86]

If I understand correctly, there was some conflict between the dad's available time for vacation and the child's school schedule. In other words, even if they change the trip dates, it won't be in the summer when the daughter is out of school.

Sure. But if he had a set time he can take her then that's when he needs to go if he wants to include her instead of banking on an unreasonable person to be accommodating.

OP- hopefully it all works out. I think getting the wording of the agreement changed and cleared up word wise. I'm a big believer in following the exact outline of custody agreements to avoid tough situations like this. .

 

[jdb in AZ]

What a hassle. I hope the ex-wife decides going back to court just isn't worth it, and in the future she is more reasonable.

My parents had a messy divorce -- two days in court. then they reconciled. then they divorced again, but that time they just settled out of court. Just another episode of the soap opera, "As the Stomach Churns."

(They later had successful marriages -- to other people.)

Keep us posted -- wishing you all the pixie dust your DSD needs.

 

[Hrhpd]

A few months ago my husband asked his ex (never married) if it would be okay if his daughter (almost 9) could come with us on a "big" vacation. (didn't want to tell her where just yet b/c we didn't want her to ruin the Disney surprise beforehand, sorry to say but she is the type that might). She thought it over but said yes under a couple of conditions, DSD would be able to call whenever she wanted and it couldn't have something to do with being over water (assuming meaning cruise). Okay, no biggie we are all set then, right? Nope, just called her to confirm everything tonight and she said "I thought I told you no"?!! My husband told her where we wanted to go how much we really wanted to take her (and our almost 4 year old dd) and how we had already booked tickets, hotel etc... So she said she'll think about it and get back to us. Well, after talking with her new husband she still says "no" because they would like to be able to take her and their other kids in a couple of years and they had plans to go to another vacation this year so taking her out of school for our vacation would be to much! Am I in the wrong in thinking we are being punished because of someones selfishness? My husband is crushed and just plain angry. I could see tears forming in his eyes!
Under the custody agreement there is the issue of going out of state and vacations during the summer within a certain time period. But it also states something about this also being during my husbands vacation period which isn't in the summer but October. And there is the 30 day notice which we were and are way ahead of. He is going to speak with his lawyer just to see if there is anything that can be done..
Its just really sad that we have to put up with this and to know my DSD is being denied something simply because her mother wants it her way or no way. It's upsetting to watch him deal with this "woman" when he has never done a thing wrong as far as being a great dad, child-support or anything else along those lines. The mom is just this way and that's how it will be at least until DSD is 18.
Thank you for reading/listening! I just needed to get if off my chest! Life's a Beach! "Just Keep Swimming"

I can see both sides and am not going to villify the mom without more information.

The OP's husband was not forthcoming with all the information. If he was truthful with the Mom about going to Disney from the beginning, he may have had a different reaction.

The OP has not addressed the out of state issue in subsequent posts. I am wondering if part of not informing the Mom about it being Disney from the beginning was that it did involve an out of state trip. I am not buying the whole "we didn't want to ruin the surprise." If you want to take a child out of school, out of state, you give the other parent full information. You don't be vague and say you just want to do a "big vacation," especially with a child that you do not have custody of.

It seems both parents are not playing fair and not giving full information.

And I do kind of side with the mother. There is no way I would want my child to miss 2 weeks of school, I don't care what kind of vacation or who it was with. Especially after I found out the dad was not straight with me.

It is sad it has to come down to the courts.

 

[mrsklamc]

Mom's objection wasn't the missed school time, it's that SHE doesn't get to take kid to Disney.

My guess is that they didn't tell her Disney because she is prone to being this kind of petty brat.

 

[thelittlethings]

I can see both sides and am not going to villify the mom without more information.

The OP's husband was not forthcoming with all the information. If he was truthful with the Mom about going to Disney from the beginning, he may have had a different reaction.

The OP has not addressed the out of state issue in subsequent posts. I am wondering if part of not informing the Mom about it being Disney from the beginning was that it did involve an out of state trip. I am not buying the whole "we didn't want to ruin the surprise." If you want to take a child out of school, out of state, you give the other parent full information. You don't be vague and say you just want to do a "big vacation," especially with a child that you do not have custody of.

It seems both parents are not playing fair and not giving full information.

And I do kind of side with the mother. There is no way I would want my child to miss 2 weeks of school, I don't care what kind of vacation or who it was with. Especially after I found out the dad was not straight with me.

It is sad it has to come down to the courts.

Yes, maybe he should of told her it was Disney from the beginning but she knew it was out of state prior to 30 days. And yes we were going to tell her just like we did last night (yes told her it was Disney last night, still prior to 30 days before) but we didn't want say anything to early because plans weren't set in stone and didn't want the girls to be disappointed if we ended up not going. And YES, she is the type that would tell DSD what we were planning and ultimately try and guilt DSD into not going. Its just the truth and that's how she is and that's why we did it the way we did.

You can not believe or not "buy" my side, I don't care, that's not what I posted this for.

Also, its not 2 weeks off of school, its actually just 4 days. The week of Columbus Day. We planned it with minimal time off school and during my DH's vacation period. It worked this way. And believe me the mom takes her out of school all the time for trips to Texas to see family. This is the first time we have ever even asked to do anything like this.

And besides school wasn't her excuse. Basically her excuse was her way or no way. Her taking her to Disney first was more important than DSD getting to go at all and her taking her out of school for their own vacation was more important then our vacation. That's the point.

 

[EmJay2001]

A few months ago my husband asked his ex (never married) if it would be okay if his daughter (almost 9) could come with us on a "big" vacation. (didn't want to tell her where just yet b/c we didn't want her to ruin the Disney surprise beforehand, sorry to say but she is the type that might). She thought it over but said yes under a couple of conditions, DSD would be able to call whenever she wanted and it couldn't have something to do with being over water (assuming meaning cruise). Okay, no biggie we are all set then, right? Nope, just called her to confirm everything tonight and she said "I thought I told you no"?!! My husband told her where we wanted to go how much we really wanted to take her (and our almost 4 year old dd) and how we had already booked tickets, hotel etc... So she said she'll think about it and get back to us. Well, after talking with her new husband she still says "no" because they would like to be able to take her and their other kids in a couple of years and they had plans to go to another vacation this year so taking her out of school for our vacation would be to much!

snipped....

This has nothing to do with Disney, she already said no and wants to be difficult. I think she is being selfish, there are things my kids have done without me that I would have preferred to have taken them. The same goes for my DH, that is just life. I hope it all works out for you, I know how disappointed you are.

 

[Hrhpd]

Yes, maybe he should of told her it was Disney from the beginning but she knew it was out of state prior to 30 days. And yes we were going to tell her just like we did last night (yes told her it was Disney last night, still prior to 30 days before) but we didn't want say anything to early because plans weren't set in stone and didn't want the girls to be disappointed if we ended up not going. And YES, she is the type that would tell DSD what we were planning and ultimately try and guilt DSD into not going. Its just the truth and that's how she is and that's why we did it the way we did.

You can not believe or not "buy" my side, I don't care, that's not what I posted this for.

Also, its not 2 weeks off of school, its actually just 4 days. The week of Columbus Day. We planned it with minimal time off school and during my DH's vacation period. It worked this way. And believe me the mom takes her out of school all the time for trips to Texas to see family. This is the first time we have ever even asked to do anything like this.

And besides school wasn't her excuse. Basically her excuse was her way or no way. Her taking her to Disney first was more important than DSD getting to go at all and her taking her out of school for their own vacation was more important then our vacation. That's the point.

So you say.

As I said, I am not willing to vilify the mother based on a biased opinion from somebody who is not getting their way without hearing her side of the story.

2nd wives traditionally trash the 1st wives. And 1st wives traditionally trash the 2nd wives. My guess is that the truth to this story is somewhere in the middle.

Hopefully the courts will straighten it out.

 

[carrie1626]

My husband was a non-custodial parent ( never married to the mother).

It sucks

Son is now 26 and he's a great brother to our daughter and son, but he knows he missed out on family things because of his mother's decisions.

What did it get her? He now spends almost all his free time with us.
Too bad, so sad for her, I could care less.

 

[superme80]

So good to see the lawyer thinks you have a good shot at winning. I hope she can go!

 

[Colleen27]

Those are the breaks though, in shared custody situations. You aren't going to be there for all the "firsts." I think it's pretty selfish to say a kid can't experience something like WDW with the other parent first.

I agree. If the question was one of an aunt or grandparent or friend taking her, I think the "I want to be there for the first..." argument would carry more weight. But not when it is one parent wanting to prevent the other from giving the child that "first".

Is there a custody order? If so, it should spell out when you get to take her on vacation. Just plan the trip then. If not, then get a custody order and include vacation time. Again, plan the trip then.

Many custody orders aren't that specific, particularly if the parents were never married. A lot of details get hammered out during a divorce that never-married couples have to figure out as they go.

UPDATE: My husband just called from getting off the phone with his lawyer on his lunch break. Sounds like good news!
Since the papers state that it should be during DH vacation time (which is October shutdown-week before and after Columbus Day) there is a very good chance we could win this! Lawyer wants us to get all of the papers we need ready (from DH work) and he should be able to speed the process up and hopefully get it resolved somewhat quickly! It will cost in court fees etc... But in the end should be so worth it! My DH has his rights too! Praying for some

Good news! I hope you're able to take her.

Ugh, I hate when parents use their children as a weapon which is what it sounds like her mom does. Good luck.

What is the deal with the vacation time though? I must be reading something wrong because it sounds like your husband can only take vacation during two weeks in October. I hope I'm reading that wrong because that sounds miserable.

That's not unusual in manufacturing. Around here it is the auto industry, and many suppliers have a fixed vacation period when the plant is shut down to switch over to producing for the new model year. The alternative is to give everyone that time off without pay and then allow employees vacation time to use when they choose, but when DH was in a factory that did that just about everyone used their vacation time to avoid that missed paycheck anyway.

 

[Colleen27]

We've had similar issues with my ex, but fortunately I'm the custodial parent and he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on when it comes to most trips.

With my ex, there are two recurring themes - First, he doesn't travel and never has, so he imagines danger where there is none (ie flying). Second, he gets upset that we're "always" doing fun stuff with DS that he can't afford, as though it would be better for DS to sit home and do nothing than for us to "make him look bad" by giving DS opportunities that he can't. Once or twice I've given in on a particular issue to give my ex a chance to be the first - never over a vacation, but things like MLB/NFL games, concerts, etc - and inevitably years go by without him doing those things. Then we finally take DS and ex whines that he was going to do that "just as soon as he has some money". Finally we just started tuning his comments and protests out altogether.

The one point where he remains a thorn in my side is that he absolutely refuses to allow DS to get a passport, and I do need his signature for that. Ex claims there's "no reason" DS would ever need to leave the country and that traveling to other countries is "very dangerous" (because apparently the whole world hates Americans ). Fortunately DS will be 18 before we do any overseas travel, and he does have an enhanced state ID for going to/from Canada.

 

[eliza61]

So you say.

As I said, I am not willing to vilify the mother based on a biased opinion from somebody who is not getting their way without hearing her side of the story.

2nd wives traditionally trash the 1st wives. And 1st wives traditionally trash the 2nd wives. My guess is that the truth to this story is somewhere in the middle.

Hopefully the courts will straighten it out.

But this isn't about "trashing" the 1st or 2nd wife. Some one trash talking me doesn't mean a hoot but this is more. this is some one USING a kid for apparently no good reason except she doesn't like some one else.

As firedancer said, the kid is being used as a weapon, which happens all to often.

Now maybe there are some details left out, family dynamics are very hard to sum up in one post. but this is not a unfamiliar story, it happens way too often.

And it 99% of them, the kids is the one "s" out of luck.

 

[RadioNate]

Okay, no biggie we are all set then, right? Nope, just called her to confirm everything tonight and she said "I thought I told you no"?!! My husband told her where we wanted to go how much we really wanted to take her (and our almost 4 year old dd) and how we had already booked tickets, hotel etc... So she said she'll think about it and get back to us.

Under the custody agreement there is the issue of going out of state and vacations during the summer within a certain time period. But it also states something about this also being during my husbands vacation period which isn't in the summer but October.

Ya know, I'm not ready to completely vilify the mother either. Not yet. The way I'm reading this is that the mother did not know it was Disney when she initially said no.

The whole "I thought I told you no" and then "my husband told her where we wanted to go" thing.

As a custodial parent I doubt I'd be on board with my ex taking the kids out of state during the school year, which seems to be violating the custody agreement, without very specific details.

My ex DID take my kids to WDW for a week this year. And he did last year too. Something i cant afford. But I'd absolutely think that him w/holding details when asking me about it was shady & I'd be less than comfortable allowing it.

 

[ilovemk76]

Many custody orders aren't that specific, particularly if the parents were never married. A lot of details get hammered out during a divorce that never-married couples have to figure out as they go.

That could be because they did not seek out getting the decree. The people I know, who never married, had the same kind of custody order as the divorced one did.


OP - Being the vacation is in October, could there be a problem with taking her out of school?

 

[mrsklamc]

It's been stated repeatedly that school isn't the issue.

 

[Ember]

I was a kid in this situation. My mum had custody and my father and his second wife planned a trip to Disney World. My mum didn't want me to go, but couldn't think of a way to stop it. She was so sad my first trip wouldn't be with her.

That trip was miserable. I hated it, but I still loved Disney World. I got to go with my mum two years later, and that was a magical trip, I used to say it was a testament to the power of Disney that even my step-mother couldn't ruin it. Frankly, I wish my father had thought to ask me, because I would have wanted that first trip with my mum just as she wanted it with me. I think it was my father who was selfish. He wasn't the parent who was there, who cared for me day in and day out, but he wanted to be the "hero" parent who took me on vacations. Even as a kid, I saw right through him.