Mother won't let my DSD go. Vent!

[ols386]

I feel bad for the DSD. She is the one who is missing out. Also feel bad for the dad.

It seems like the mother of the DSD is deliberately jerking the dad around, by first agreeing to it, and then later, saying that she didn't remember agreeing to it. How selfish.

 

[ilovemk76]

A few months ago my husband asked his ex (never married) if it would be okay if his daughter (almost 9) could come with us on a "big" vacation. (didn't want to tell her where just yet b/c we didn't want her to ruin the Disney surprise beforehand, sorry to say but she is the type that might). She thought it over but said yes under a couple of conditions, DSD would be able to call whenever she wanted and it couldn't have something to do with being over water (assuming meaning cruise). Okay, no biggie we are all set then, right? Nope, just called her to confirm everything tonight and she said "I thought I told you no"?!! My husband told her where we wanted to go how much we really wanted to take her (and our almost 4 year old dd) and how we had already booked tickets, hotel etc... So she said she'll think about it and get back to us. Well, after talking with her new husband she still says "no" because they would like to be able to take her and their other kids in a couple of years and they had plans to go to another vacation this year so taking her out of school for our vacation would be to much! Am I in the wrong in thinking we are being punished because of someones selfishness? My husband is crushed and just plain angry. I could see tears forming in his eyes!
Under the custody agreement there is the issue of going out of state and vacations during the summer within a certain time period. But it also states something about this also being during my husbands vacation period which isn't in the summer but October. And there is the 30 day notice which we were and are way ahead of. He is going to speak with his lawyer just to see if there is anything that can be done..
Its just really sad that we have to put up with this and to know my DSD is being denied something simply because her mother wants it her way or no way. It's upsetting to watch him deal with this "woman" when he has never done a thing wrong as far as being a great dad, child-support or anything else along those lines. The mom is just this way and that's how it will be at least until DSD is 18.
Thank you for reading/listening! I just needed to get if off my chest! Life's a Beach! "Just Keep Swimming"

Is there a custody order? If so, it should spell out when you get to take her on vacation. Just plan the trip then. If not, then get a custody order and include vacation time. Again, plan the trip then.

 

[rlduvall]

We went through this all the time with my husband's ex-wife. In 1996, we took my stepsons to WDW . . . and lo and behold that's the exact same week she and her husband decided to go there, also. I was livid at the time, but 17 years later just laugh about it now.

The most important thing is not to involve the children or bad mouth their parent in front of them. We never did [trust me, when the boys weren't around I'd vent to my DH] and as adults they began to see everything on their own. I love those boys [actually, young men now] and they know it!

I have never understood why a parent wants to use their child to hurt the other - ends up hurting the child worse.

 

[htmom]

We have a similar situation here. Hugs. I told my Dh one day when he was trying to reason with dsd mom that I could care less if either one of the grownups get what they want. I wanted dsd to "win" for once. LOL. He was put out for a bit then he got what I was saying.

 

[thelittlethings]

I think that dad needs to play hardball, though. I do think, op, that getting dad's attorney to write a letter and spelling out where he has the right to go (whatever parts that is) and that mom DID say yes (even if verbally) might scare her into agreeing.

We sure are going to try. I know its just a "vacation" but really its much more than that. For DSD sake I hope its not a "strike-out".

We are lucky and that for the most part the ex doesn't give us too much trouble.

I agree you should ask the lawyer and if there is something that could be added into the agreement to make this easier in the future then you should take the steps to do that. If I had not already taken DSD to Disney twice (last year and this year) I would feel horrible going next year without her. We even asked if DSD other brother on her moms side could go (they said No) cause we felt bad for the kid to be left behind.

I am jealous that "your" ex doesn't give you much trouble. Taking the steps to prevent this in the future is something we will have to look into. Thanks.

Those are the breaks though, in shared custody situations. You aren't going to be there for all the "firsts." I think it's pretty selfish to say a kid can't experience something like WDW with the other parent first.

Truth!

I also sympathize with the OP's family - they want the girl to come, they consider her part of the family. And no doubt the girl would be sad to miss it too. It's a tough situation, and I have no advice on how to fix it. Hope it works out OP.

Me too. Thank You!

Been there, done that and sad to say, it's the kids who miss out.

A few years ago dh and I were taking my kids, and my nephew to Portugal for 2 weeks. dh has family there so once airfare was paid it was a cheap trip. My neice from my brothers first wife was going. called the 2nd wife to get permission to take Jr. first she said yes, then she said no (700 ticket wasted).
She claimed she wanted to be the first to take Jr. to Europe. humm pretty hard to do without a job, then she said she didn't want wife number 1 around her son. that was a bunch of crap because we made it very clear that me and dh were the only adults going.

Sorry you had to experience this and your right, the kids are the ones in the middle and missing out.

I have found that when moms say that, the poor kid "rarely" experiences that thing.

Yes it would be nice but you know what I hope I would never deny my kids opportunities or experiences just because I can't be the one to provide them.

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of. And I would hope the same. That I learn from this and remember that if I can't provide it for my children, that I don't hold them back because of it.

I totally understand your pain. DH's ex makes our life miserable. When we planned our first Disney trip, his kids were 5 and 7. We kept it a secret from everyone where we were going for months. It slipped out during an exchange a couple of weeks before we were to leave. Next thing we knew, ex had kids at her BF's aunt's house in FL and took them to MK for one day. They drove 16 hours down, stayed with the aunt, did one MK day, and drove 16 hours home the day before we flew to Orlando just so she could say she too them to Disney first. DH was so mad and the kids were exhausted from 32 hours of driving and MK all in 3 days.

Wow! Going to extremes she was. Sorry to hear about that! I'm sure the kids were so tired!

Or dads. That happened to us with a friend. Mom knew they'd never go and was so excited that we were asking to take her daughter. Dad said no, it must be with family the first time. (Dad would have hated it. He'd be the guy snarling at the kids about how much it cost, and they better have a good time, while sucking the good time out of everybody.) Poor girl is almost 17. She wouldn't love it as much now, but she would have had so much fun at 7!

Yes it works both ways. Very true.

I feel bad for the DSD. She is the one who is missing out. Also feel bad for the dad.

It seems like the mother of the DSD is deliberately jerking the dad around, by first agreeing to it, and then later, saying that she didn't remember agreeing to it. How selfish.

Yes, dealing with her sometimes is something to be desired. Thanks.

 

[thelittlethings]

Is there a custody order? If so, it should spell out when you get to take her on vacation. Just plan the trip then. If not, then get a custody order and include vacation time. Again, plan the trip then.

Like I said in the OP we are going to talk to the lawyer to see what are options are. Then we will go from there.

We went through this all the time with my husband's ex-wife. In 1996, we took my stepsons to WDW . . . and lo and behold that's the exact same week she and her husband decided to go there, also. I was livid at the time, but 17 years later just laugh about it now.

The most important thing is not to involve the children or bad mouth their parent in front of them. We never did [trust me, when the boys weren't around I'd vent to my DH] and as adults they began to see everything on their own. I love those boys [actually, young men now] and they know it!

Oh boy! Glad you can laugh about it!
We don't say a word to DSD but who knows what is said at their house. I just hopes she can "see" all of this in the future and just know that her dad and our family tried the best we could with what we had to work with.

We have a similar situation here. Hugs. I told my Dh one day when he was trying to reason with dsd mom that I could care less if either one of the grownups get what they want. I wanted dsd to "win" for once. LOL. He was put out for a bit then he got what I was saying.

Yes, I wish if DSD wanted to go, she could just go and not wait. Let her "win". Thanks!

 

[bankgirl05]

Your DH should tell his ex "well, you are going to be the one to look her in the face tell her she can't go to WDW now, because you might want to take her a few years from now!!!"

I know that is probably not the best answer. But, you can't hide the fact that you go if you take the other kids,and why should your DH be the "bad guy" for going without her and have to deal with her disappointment and jealousy. He should be able to say, I wanted to take you but your Mom said "NO' because she doesn't want you to go with out her"

I do NOT condone bad mouthing the other parent under ANY circumstances. (Usually)

 

[mrsklamc]

We went through this all the time with my husband's ex-wife. In 1996, we took my stepsons to WDW . . . and lo and behold that's the exact same week she and her husband decided to go there, also.

I'm curious- I wouldn't really think you'd have trouble avoiding them, as big as the park is?

 

[mrsklamc]

Sounds like you are already going to talk to the lawyers anyway but if she's always at grandma's I'd be filing for primary custody.

 

[Ladcassidy]

There was a court case on this recently in Arizona. The judge ordered the parent that was refusing consent to let the child go to the happiest place on Earth.

 

[rlduvall]

I'm curious- I wouldn't really think you'd have trouble avoiding them, as big as the park is?

No - we never did see them. I totally over-reacted so when I say I can laugh about it now . . . I'm really laughing at myself for worrying about something so trivial; even if we had seen them, so what?

 

[Darcy03231]

Your DH should tell his ex "well, you are going to be the one to look her in the face tell her she can't go to WDW now, because you might want to take her a few years from now!!!"

I know that is probably not the best answer. But, you can't hide the fact that you go if you take the other kids,and why should your DH be the "bad guy" for going without her and have to deal with her disappointment and jealousy. He should be able to say, I wanted to take you but your Mom said "NO' because she doesn't want you to go with out her"

I do NOT condone bad mouthing the other parent under ANY circumstances. (Usually)

Under these circumstances I have to agree with this. If you don't let her know that you wanted to take her, she may spend years thinking that her dad and his new family were taking a vacation without including her. That can lead to a lot of resentment toward dad on her part, when it isn't his fault!

 

[crz4mm2]

It sounds like the mom wants to be there for her daughters first trip to Disney. Not saying it is right, and it is selfish, but I wouldn't want my child to see Disney without me for the first time either. Of course it sounds like there are other issues there so that isn't her only reason.

THis is what I got out of it.

I wouldn't want my child to see Disney for the first time without me either. I am sorry that you had planned on it and now it seems she has said no.

 

[aaarcher86]

I'd personally move your trip to the time in the agreement you are allowed to take her ( or did at misread that?). If you want her to go and the ex is difficult its the only option. It stinks to move the trip, but I think taking her would make it worth it. Whether mom wants to complain or not wouldn't really matter at that point.

Afterwards I'd be heading back to court to change the custody schedule or at the very least get something better for vacation time. There is no reason the ex should be able to dictate what you can do with your DSD for a vacation. I've never really heard of a custody schedule like yours.

 

[ironpig70]

Definitely time to lawyer up.

If he has custody rights he can do what he wishes when he has them.

 

[turkeymama]

I'd personally move your trip to the time in the agreement you are allowed to take her ( or did at misread that?). If you want her to go and the ex is difficult its the only option. It stinks to move the trip, but I think taking her would make it worth it. Whether mom wants to complain or not wouldn't really matter at that point.

Afterwards I'd be heading back to court to change the custody schedule or at the very least get something better for vacation time. There is no reason the ex should be able to dictate what you can do with your DSD for a vacation. I've never really heard of a custody schedule like yours.

If I understand correctly, there was some conflict between the dad's available time for vacation and the child's school schedule. In other words, even if they change the trip dates, it won't be in the summer when the daughter is out of school.

 

[thelittlethings]

The custody agreement says: a week between June and August of summer vacation, 30 days prior notice of said vacation, and also states it must coincide with DH employment vacation time. That being said no its not in the summer when we want to go but also my husbands vacation shutdown time is in October not summer months. So we don't know what if anything can be done but we are at least going to ask.

I should also state that I left out one very disturbing fact. When we originally asked her months ago she kindly agreed that this vacation could be used as his "week" during the summer. So she also went back on her word on that issue!

Your DH should tell his ex "well, you are going to be the one to look her in the face tell her she can't go to WDW now, because you might want to take her a few years from now!!!"

I know that is probably not the best answer. But, you can't hide the fact that you go if you take the other kids,and why should your DH be the "bad guy" for going without her and have to deal with her disappointment and jealousy. He should be able to say, I wanted to take you but your Mom said "NO' because she doesn't want you to go with out her"

I do NOT condone bad mouthing the other parent under ANY circumstances. (Usually)

She actually said that we could make her the "bad" guy. There is no way around not telling DSD that we are going because if we decide to go without her, my DD won't be able to keep that sort of secret. And we aren't going to be the "bad" guys either, so we would have to tell her why...

Sounds like you are already going to talk to the lawyers anyway but if she's always at grandma's I'd be filing for primary custody.

So many times we have talked about this. But we also know how hard it is to take a child away from their mother. And we also wouldn't want to put DSD through that. Someday though it might just come to taking more serious steps.

There was a court case on this recently in Arizona. The judge ordered the parent that was refusing consent to let the child go to the happiest place on Earth.

Gives me some hope!

I'd personally move your trip to the time in the agreement you are allowed to take her ( or did at misread that?). If you want her to go and the ex is difficult its the only option. It stinks to move the trip, but I think taking her would make it worth it. Whether mom wants to complain or not wouldn't really matter at that point.

Afterwards I'd be heading back to court to change the custody schedule or at the very least get something better for vacation time. There is no reason the ex should be able to dictate what you can do with your DSD for a vacation. I've never really heard of a custody schedule like yours.

Yes that would be possible but this is also my husbands vacation time. This is the best time for us. We were just looking for some reasoning from the mother... I guess I just got my hopes up too fast and I have learned my lesson.

 

[eliza61]

There was a court case on this recently in Arizona. The judge ordered the parent that was refusing consent to let the child go to the happiest place on Earth.

How sad that we as adults have deteriorated to that point.

 

[eliza61]

THis is what I got out of it.

I wouldn't want my child to see Disney for the first time without me either. I am sorry that you had planned on it and now it seems she has said no.

May I politely ask why? You would really make your kid miss out on an opportunity because you couldn't be there?

Does that extend to other places also? for example, if you're kid gets the opportunity to go to Europe, do you tell them no because you can't take them?

just trying to understand the thought behind it. I ask because the two examples I've heard this excuse the parent who says that ends up never taking the child.

Now I know there are millions of well rounded kids that grow up just fine without ever stepping onto Main Street, I just can't imagine denying my kid some thing memorable (be it disney, Europe or a ballgame) just because I couldn't be the one to give it too them (for whatever reason).

Simply curious.

 

[thelittlethings]

UPDATE: My husband just called from getting off the phone with his lawyer on his lunch break. Sounds like good news!
Since the papers state that it should be during DH vacation time (which is October shutdown-week before and after Columbus Day) there is a very good chance we could win this! Lawyer wants us to get all of the papers we need ready (from DH work) and he should be able to speed the process up and hopefully get it resolved somewhat quickly! It will cost in court fees etc... But in the end should be so worth it! My DH has his rights too! Praying for some