Mother son trip or let Nana come?

[Accident]

I'm a single father and done mostly father/daughter trips to disney... having many trips under our belts before others joined made it easier to change to their pace, see what they liked and slow down.. but you can't always do that you need some mother/son experiences too.

First you need to ignore the last trip. Do you want her around or is this a mother/son trip? Ignore what she can or can't do, it's simple, do you want her around if it doesn't interfere with your plans?

Now if you want her there, then she needs to know you slowed down, didn't like calling it early at night, wasn't thrilled meals had to change instead of being that birthday trip for your son and everything about him. This trip she is welcomed to not join for anything she doesn't want but you'll not be changing your plans because it's too much for her or the menu didn't sound tasty that meal. Do it in a loving wording though. She might welcome the idea that she doens't have to keep up and be great. She might hate the idea she has to get back to the resort alone and not come. Your just in different places in life and you want to keep up with your son the best you can while it's still possible.

I think there is a huge mistakes people make when they expect every generation to do everything a young adult can handle in their planning. the best trips seems to be the ones when certain generations say we're skipping or heading back to the resort, this is too much for us.. Now the question really becomes is she ok doing some things alone? Are you ok going off with her just sitting around the theme park, getting herself back to the resort or to the park and finding you? Is she willing to financially help as it's too much to come often with her.

 

[DonaldDuck77]

Our grandparent rule: if we are paying for our part, we make all of our own plans and they are free to join us as much or as little as they would like. If it is a grandparent-funded trip, grandparents can make the rules/plans (even if their plan is for me to make the plans), and we will follow along.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I couldn't ever imagine joining my kids on a trip and then burdening them.

I'll be one of those grandmas that say "No no absolutely do not worry about me! Go have a blast I'm gonna rest my feet." I'll never understand the mindset of being a tag along and dictating ANYTHING!

 

[IrishNYC]

I vote for no Nana.

My FIL is desperate to go to WDW with us. But to put it bluntly, he's a pain in the rear end, and DH would call him worse. He already ruined SIL's one and only trip there with his complaining and not wanting to do what she wanted to do, and she's very laid back on vacations. DH, DD and I like to go go go. Rope drop, PPO ADRs, etc. there's no way FIL would keep up, because the man will be late to his own funeral. He also likes to be the one in charge, but wouldn't have clue one where to start planning. But, he's also the type that If we suggested he go off on his own or back to his room, he'd pout like a child. He's a habitual line-stepper. It's a no win situation, so we just go to WDW without him, and let him not talk to us for 6 months when we get back.

 

[bryanb]

It just wasn't how I expected her to act/react in the happiest place on earth.

We truly DID have a lot of fun having her with us and having a second adult lowered my overall costs because we shared a room.

I'm torn. The three of us did have fun together on our first trip and I'm sure we'd have fun together again but she just doesn't tour the way we prefer. I just don't know what to decide but I know I need to make a decision soon because our 180 days is only a month away and if we are going to upgrade to DDP I need to get my ADR game plan together. HELP!

I only quoted a few points from your post, but these are the things that stood out to me. It sounds like (1) Nana's reaction to WDW was unexpected and (2) you did have fun but had to make some undesired compromises.
Based on this, would you say she is usually a pretty reasonable person? Maybe she didn't know what to expect on this trip either, especially how strenuous a theme park vacation can be.

If she is generally a reasonable person, I would probably be willing to try this trip again... especially because you did have fun together and now you're all more experienced with WDW. Plus, if she's willing to pay her share of the expenses, it will help your budget a lot. Yes, you and she might still have to make some compromises, but you can very gently and diplomatically talk about how to make it work for all of you.

Being more experienced with WDW is important here for all of you. Now that she knows there are some foods she won't enjoy, perhaps you can both collaborate in the upfront planning so you don't have surprises later. And now that she knows she gets tired after a whole day of walking, maybe she take an afternoon break so that she doesn't miss out on the fireworks either... enjoy some relaxation time or air-conditioned shopping. Let's face it, Disney in the hot August sun can be exhausting for anyone! And many people don't realize how oppressive that Florida air can be.

 

[MrsDuck]

Is a compromise possible? She comes but doesn't participate in activities she isn't interested in? EX: she doesn't want to eat where you're eating so she eats elsewhere, etc.

Otherwise, I'd leave her at home.

 

[johnsgrl]

I see both sides of this issue, as a daughter..my mother passed at 53(unexpectedly) years young and I would give anything to do Disney with her and my kids, and I am eternally thankful for the things that I did include her in with my first-born (the only one who even met Grammy, though she was too young to remember much of it). As a mother, and a disabled one at that, I tell my now adult kids when we go that they are free to do their own thing, I know I would slow them down even on my scooter and don't expect them to wait for me. On our last trip , my first with my first DGS, we tried to strike a balance of "us" time and private family time. DH and I took off for some of the later nights when DGS was sleeping, and stayed back for some late nights with DGS so his parents could have some couple time. I did have some requests, like that we were all together for the first walk into MK so I could see my grandsons face when he saw the Castle, and an ADR for a PPO breakfast at Tusker House on our AK day.
Talk with your Mom if she is the kind who you can bring this up with, is she OK with you doing your own thing while she does hers?
If you talk to her and you find out that she won't consider separate time the decision gets easier from there, you can always offer an alternative that will be more compatible with her style for a non-Disney trip

 

[Eddie512]

I love my parents very much, but in order to maintain a good relationship I must be realistic. Both parents (but especially my mom) are emotionally immature. She expects 5 star service at fast food places and will complain at the drop of a hat. She loves nothing more than to create drama. She will cry, pout, and give the silent treatment to anyone, family included, who does not deliver on a Pottery barn catalog perfect vacation/holiday/whatever. She is unwilling to self-reflect on her behavior, despite given many chances, so we no longer travel with her. Plain and simple.

If your mom is a reasonable, mature adult and is willing to go at her own pace (without giving you a guilt trip!!!) well.. lucky you! As others have said, set some ground rules up front. Good luck!!!!

 

[BigredNole]

My mom is older and the last trip with her was the last. It wound up partially ruining the week long trip. She insisted she could walk, but every 100' she would have to stop for 5 minutes. After day 1, we made it clear where we were going and when. She could decide to meet us there or keep up with my hatred of an ECV. She refused and made sure we heard about leaving her. My dd and I had fun, but when we had to leave and wait for her to get to the car, we heard it more. It was very clear that it was our last trip with her. She went with her friend again and she was forced to use an ECV. Because she hated having to be in one she made sure everyone knew how horrible it was.

My opinion is if grandma is going, she is on her own. She can plan on meeting somewhere for meals.

 

[CJN]

When our multi-generational family goes, we're a mixed bag of early/late risers, finicky/adventurous eaters, low/high energy, thrill seekers vs scaredy cats, you get the idea. Our Disney trips are fabulous. BUT, our conversations go like this:
"Why don't you choose the restaurant for lunch because I've already chosen the one for dinner."
"While you guys are repeatedly riding TOT I'm going to catch BatB again."
"I'm tired and heading back to the room. You guys have a great time at the fireworks."
"Why don't you go sit by the pool with a drink while we go circle MK one more time."
"Sure, I'd love to ride IASW with you again (even though I hate it, hate it, hate it)."

If you and your mom can't figure out how to say these types of things to each other, I wouldn't be planning a trip together.

 

[LuvMyEAR]

i have a few(or 10) more years "life experience" under my belt than Nana and it has been my privilege to make a number of trips with my grandsons and their parents. I firmly believe that the only one who gets to call the shots for their entire party is a solo traveller!

Multigenerational vacations can and should be cherished events, and everyone (even the kids) need to be their most considerate selves. Recognizing that you might turn into a wet blanket for whatever reason is important. I know I would far rather wait at home to see pictures than to have my family come home with memories of me holding them back. Despite 2 working parents and grandparents, we still sacrifice and save for these trips and we all feel obliged to protect that investment. DH reached his Disney saturation point a few trips ago, but absolutely enjoys his time in the sun, relaxing with books, tv, etc. I can't hope to keep pace with the super energetic boys, but am happy to sit more and let our paths intersect when possible.

This is most likely to be our last such trip (or last for some years to come) so DH is returning to the parks with us. We have rented a second car, for anyone who wants to start later or leave earlier and not impose that schedule on others. We don't stay onsite, so can't use those lovely buses.

Best of luck and I hope your vacation is everything you hope, with or without Nana. I think you know in your heart if your relationship is the kind where you can set some realistic conditions without causing a strain.

 

[rapunzels]

I'm in the no Nana group. ..but if you find yourself inviting her, you will need to adjust your expectations of the trip - and prepare her for her expectations too. Yes, she can go back to the room without you, but inevitably, her feelings will be hurt if you do that all week. My in-laws have been trying to self invite themselves for the past fews years, but we have continued to snub that idea quickly each time. We are commando's, not snails. Disney costs a lot of money, to end up being disappointed you missed out on things because of a cranky person in your party.

 

[crazylady]

I would allow her to come but talk to her first about how you don't have to do everything together and there are sometimes she might want to go home early and that is OK. I would not get the DDP but compromise by adding a couple of sit down meals for the trip.

 

[crazylady]

Or, can you suggest she join you for just a few days?

 

[sunsetbeachgal]

I would probably say no. We are active 60's grandparents who often travel with adult kids and grandkids, we have as much energy most of the time, and if not it is easy to split up and some go back to the resort or sit down for a rest, this is why we always stay on site. We would never decide where people ate, or want everyone to travel together as a pack for our needs. And we usually pay for everything, but I don't look at paying as giving us the power to dictate as it is everyone's vacation!

But that being said, not everyone is alike. If Nana complained and dictated what you did on the last trip and you allowed her to make decisions for the group and change your plans to meet her needs, she is most likely not going to change and will do it again, maybe worse! Family dynamics seldom if ever change!

 

[TXAKDisneyFan]

Maybe I missed it, but did the OP say how often they see her mom normally? Several others have commented about wishing they could spend another day with their mom, but do we know she doesn't see her often in her every day life? My parents often join us on our vacations, but they live over 4,000 miles from us and we see them maybe once or twice a year. (They also don't invite themselves - we let them know when they're welcome to join us.)

As several people have mentioned, barring any significant mobility or health issues, I don't see why adults have to stick with one another all the time. Why let other adults (who aren't your significant other, and even then within reason) dictate your vacation? Why do groups have to stay together all the time?

OP, if your mom does go, I would tell her these are our plans and you are welcome to join us for all or part of them. If you have any special requests re:dining, please let me know now so I can make reservations, but keep in mind that I am on a budget (and tell her you prefer to spend more time on attractions than in restaurants). If she wants to do TS meals, maybe say one or two are ok and suggest ones within your budget. You could also let her know about some of the lounges (like at HBD) that she could take a break at alone - she wouldn't need a reservation and might feel more comfortable dining alone at those than in a regular restaurant. That being said, if my parents offered to pay for us to go to a particular restaurant, I'd let them. I just wouldn't do it every day and let it change the way we want to tour. (Similarly, my parents usually prefer CS. We paid for them go to to HDD with us last time (not because they couldn't afford it, but because it was an activity we picked and wanted everyone to do together.)

I also wouldn't share a room with her. That's just me, though. You might not mind sharing a hotel room. I just don't care to add another adult to a hotel room that already isn't huge, and make someone share a bed. I let my parents know where we're staying and they can make their own reservations wherever.

It's much easier to vacation with others if you're honest about your wishes and expectations. Don't let others guilt trip you into doing things you can't, or don't want to, do (especially if they aren't footing the bill).

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, ultimately I would try to decide which you would regret more: 1) missing this chance for more time with mom (grandma) or 2) taking her along. Both have up sides and down sides.

 

[Soarin4us]

Many of us have 8-year olds at Nana's age (I did so barring health concerns it sounds like a travel comparability issue, rather than keeping up with your pace. Family time is precious-- talk it out and make it work for everyone

 

[anniemae]

I would take her. I would just set boundaries before you go. Have a sit down with her and go over all your plans, what parks you are going to on each day, where you are eating etc. Tell her she is welcome to join your plans, or go off on her own. If she starts complaining she needs to rest or is done with the parks for the day, why on earth would ALL of you go back to the hotel? Simply say, "Ok mom, you can head back, but we are staying. We can meet up for dinner if you are up to it." If she does not want to eat at the restaurant you want to, tell her she can go off on her own for lunch, or go back to the pool, whatever makes her happy.

I really think it's important to set the rules before you go. She needs to know you will not bend to her wishes like you did last time. She also needs to know that she does not need to do everything you and DS do. Everyone will be happy doing what they want instead of feeling like they are being dragged around doing what they don't want to do.

 

[Eddie512]

I believe in everyone being flexible and compromising, so there's some give and take. Sometimes you do what someone else wants to do, just because you care about them. However my parents insist on staying together at all times when we travel and if anyone suggests doing otherwise, they get their feelings hurt. That's not reasonable to me, but that's how it goes without fail. Traveling together just doesn't work for us. So we spend time together in other ways. You know if Nana can handle being flexible or not, and if she'll put a guilt trip on you.