More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[ktlm]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it.

It's nice that you are lucky enough not to have to work (outside the home). Not everyone can be that lucky. I'd love to stay home with my DD every day too, but it's not an option.

 

[Colleen27]

Is it just me or are there more and more people having kids and then expecting the grandparents to watch them all the time so they can go have fun? I am 34 and have one 5 year old son. Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that if I chose to have a kid, then it is my responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. That you give up your free and fun time to be a parent.

I have three nieces that are 30, 25 and 25 that have kids and my brothers and sisters (their g-parents) are watching those kids CONTANTLY. 2 of my nieces drop their kids off at their g-parents every single weekend for the whole weekend because they need breaks. What? My one niece probably watches her kid 3 nights a week at most and the other nights he is being watched by his grandpa or his aunts (my sister) because she needs a break.

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter! Maybe I just don't understand this at all but is with the need for "breaks" several times a week?

I must admit that my sister (my sons godmother) has watched my son for 5-7 days for the last couple of years so that DH and I could go on vacation alone. We appreciated that more than anyone will ever know. But we are expecting #2 and she told me that this last vacation we went on would be our last because she does not want to watch 2 kids. I totally get that and respect that it would be a lot of work. All of the times she has watched him she offered first, I did not ask her.

So is it just me or are things really changing in the way people parent these days?

I think some things have changed, but unless the grandparents are feeling taken advantage of, I don't see a problem with it. I see changes on both sides - most of the grandparents I know view themselves as younger/more active than grandparents a generation earlier, and want to take on a more active role with their grandkids, and most parents I know have a different view of babysitters than our parents did (my mom hired the teenager next door to watch my brother & I when she went out - I can't imagine hiring a 15yo babysitter for my kids! )

My mom & MIL would have my head on a platter if I hired a sitter for DH & I to go out without even asking them! They have both made it clear that they want to be active, hands-on grandmas and that they are willing babysitters any time they don't have other plans. Even if DH & I don't have anything going on, the kids have frequent sleepovers with the grandparents on both sides, go out to movies with my mom, spend plenty of summer mornings fishing with FIL, etc. It is a different relationship than DH & I had with our grandparents, in a good way, and everyone wins. The kids get a close relationship with their grandparents, our parents get to have fun times with the kids, and DH & I get some time without the kids to recharge our batteries and reconnect romantically.

 

[connorlevismom]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

I would not go this far but I do understand what your saying.

DH and I LOVE our "us" time. It is time to reconnect and be a couple and for us, it is something that we have found we need to do. We both work full-time and then run around with our son the rest of the time. Sometimes it is very easy to get lost in the craziness and forget your a married couple. So we do love our "us" time and do it when we can which at the moment, it is not very often.

But we pay someone to do it. When I say we use a sitter, I have two nieces that babysit for us so I trust them fully. But I would NEVER ask them to sit without paying them just because they are family.

Kristine

 

[debster812]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

Really? So because we have had DS 'watched' more than three times, and NONE of those three times was when I was having his siblings (he is an only child) DH and I are not raising him? Please. This is why the mommy wars continue. YOUR family dynamic works for you. Our family dynamic works for us. Neither is right, and neither is wrong, they are just different.

Personally, I feel that DS is a remarkably well adjusted, non-moody, tweener despite the fact he's had sitters, and *gasp* attended Day Care while I worked outside the home.

His grandparents have all watched him, as well as paid sitters.

I do think that this trend of grandparents being put upon to watch their grandchildren all the time is the fault of both parties, the grandparents for allowing it, and the children for taking advantage.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Again, there are lots of different situations out there. In our case, we paid pretty much for everything for my dad -- his condo, his car, helped with medical car and groceries -- so he volunteered to watch his grandson partly to spend time with him, and partly to pay us back.

I agree there are lots of different situations. In your case, you were supporting him financially so he was not providing "free" daycare. You were providing financial support, he was providing childcare - mutually beneficial.

I was talking about the ones that pay zero, offer zero, or save zero to give to the grandparents down the road if they need it. The grandparents provide free full time child care, and the parents of the child provide nothing in return. That's a different situation.

 

[Colleen27]

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

I love spending time with my children, but who I am as a person didn't come to an end when I gave birth, nor did my romantic relationship with my husband. And there's nothing wrong with the kids seeing that Mom & Dad's needs/wants matter too. The key is balance, not martyring oneself on the altar of uber-mommyhood or sacrificing the parent-child relationship to hold onto one's pre-parent identity.

 

[debster812]

not martyring oneself on the altar of uber-mommyhood

I am SO stealing this line.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

I think it's tragic that your kids have never been away from you! I love my kids, but it's nice for us, and the kids, for us to have date nights, or to go away, and leave them behind with either a sitter or grandparents. I don't think any child psychologist would agree that being with your kids 24/7 is emotionally healthy for you or your children. There really does need to be a balance.

 

[ktlm]

But why is it all about you? What about what your daughter and the grandparents would like??

I am in the same situation you were. DH is stay at home and is there, but Mom is a widow who was lonely and miserable before DD came along and gave her a purpose. I work full time, and as I said before, my mom spends about every weekday afternoon with my DD. So, Mom already gets almost as much time with her as I do. For me the weekends, when my Mom usually wants her overnight, are bonding times for DD and I. Maybe it's a little selfish, but I like having that time with DD BECAUSE I work during the week. I don't like to give up our special time. As for DH's parents, there are other issues there which I don't want to mention, but I will admit because it took us 4 years and multiple doctors to get DD, we are a little overprotective. I like to spend every minute I can with DD. She will grow up too fast as it is.

 

[locolala]

I refuse to martyr myself on the altar of uber-mommyhood when we have kids. I need time to do the things I need to do.. I like being able to go to movies and not hear "I gotta go potty" a million times (I have a godson and this happened to me several times). Kids have to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them, that there are other things that will require our attention. When DH deploys, I know I'll need some time out with girls to relax and forget about the world for awhile, you bet your boots my kids will go to a sitter.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I am SO stealing this line.

Me too - love it.

It has officially replaced my previous favorite - "Mommier Than Thou"

 

[Gammaresource]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

Extended family helping with children has been the norm through much of history. I can't imagine not ever getting away with my husband alone. We were married because we adore one another. And all moments on our own are treasured. My mom watches our kids a couple times a year. She does the same for my sister. My kids go to their cousins whenever they have the chance, and we all get some nice time with other people. I see their world expanded by the love others have for them. Cousin time is some of the best time of the year, whether here or there.

I can't imagine not allowing them that time, and thinking that we are the only people who adore them, love spending time with them, making more relationships. So, while you look down your nose on parents wanting time alone that might not be interrupted with crying or vomit, I'll gladly look at the people skills my kids have attained by the other people in their lives. And the fact that my husband and I love to be alone is just one of the fringe benefits.As a matter of fact that was how we got one of them!

 

[princessmom29]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

I don't think it's sad at all to need "me" time, I think it makes me a better parent!!! EVERYONE wether the actually want to admit it or not needs a little "me" time every once in a while. The whole "mommy martyr" thing comes into play witout taking the occasional date night with the hubby or 2 hours to get my nails done, and I an NOT afraid to say that I NEED a break for at least a couple hours once a month, and no matter what anyone else thinks that does NOT mean that I am not raising my child, or that I am a bad mom. I LOVE my DD and spend LOTS of time with her, but I do need an occasional break.

My mom and dad are watching DD for me for 4 weeks during the day this summer while I am in workshops. They travel for dad's job and are gone overseas in different places for 6 months at a time. they just happen to be home during this time and volenteered to take her. In fact they are taking her to the beach for 3 days next week. I DO NOT feel guilty letting her stay with them, nor should I. They asked to take her. I would never have asked mom and dad to keep her for 4 weeks straight, but mom volenteered. They said they needed to spend time with her before they leave agian and I respect that.
She typically spends about one night a month with them when they are home, and my sister and my grandmother(DD's great grandmother) occasionally watch her when they are not here, and something comes up. I leave her probably a total of twice a month with someone for a couple of hours. I don't think that is extreme at all or even out of the ordinary. Certainly not worthy of the condemnation you seem to show for people who "need me time and don't like spending time with their children". Choosing to occasionally take a little time for myself, or to spend an evening with my husband or a group of friends does NOT make anyone a bad parent.

ETA:
DD goes to school full time when I am teaching and has since she was 7 weeks old. I DO NOT feel guilty about that either. She is a very social child, and i have to arrange play date when we are home for the summer to keep her socailizing with other kids or she gets tired of "just playing with mommy all the time." She needs a break form me occasionally as much as i need a break from her. That is healthy and normal. I am not so full of my own importance as a mom as to think that I am the only important figure in my daughter's life, and i don't need to be the only perosn she depends on to fell validated as a person. Being a mom is only PART of what gives me a sense of self worth.

 

[Colleen27]

Believe me, a lot of the grandparents that are "happy to do it" are not afraid to let their true feelings be known on the playground around the moms that are there.

Someone said that you have to give up some things when you have kids. Well guess what - one of the big things that you have to give up is MONEY for someone to provide quality childcare while you work. If you are using your parents for free full time daycare, regardless of the reason, you are still using your parents.

I don't really get the assumption that grandparents can't be 100% sincere in their desire to watch their grandkids. Maybe this is a cultural thing? My mom is first generation born & raised away from the farm, and our family still carries a lot of traditions born in the days of multi-generational living on the family farm. Both my grandparents grew up in 3 generation households, with their grandparents taking over a lot of the childcare while their parents tended to the more physically demanding work of running the farm. They both moved to the city, but the mindset didn't change - they retired when I was born to be my caregivers. It wasn't "giving up their golden years" - it was what they wanted to do with those years. I have no doubt that my mother would happily do the same if I chose to go back to work, just as I'm sure she knows that when her health starts to fail, I'll take care of her just as she & I took care of my grandparents.

 

[princessmom29]

I don't really get the assumption that grandparents can't be 100% sincere in their desire to watch their grandkids. Maybe this is a cultural thing? My mom is first generation born & raised away from the farm, and our family still carries a lot of traditions born in the days of multi-generational living on the family farm. Both my grandparents grew up in 3 generation households, with their grandparents taking over a lot of the childcare while their parents tended to the more physically demanding work of running the farm. They both moved to the city, but the mindset didn't change - they retired when I was born to be my caregivers. It wasn't "giving up their golden years" - it was what they wanted to do with those years. I have no doubt that my mother would happily do the same if I chose to go back to work, just as I'm sure she knows that when her health starts to fail, I'll take care of her just as she & I took care of my grandparents.

My parents are like this. My mom even finds other people's children to look after. Their last placement was in Singapore and she became close friends with two different mothers of twin boys. She LOVED helping with the twins. All of her emails and phone calls were filled with what they had done together, and " I got to keep the twins tonight" or "we took the twins to the zoo today" ect. Her house is the place all the neighborhood kids hang out even now when she doesn't have kids of her own. She truly loves kids and chooses to spend time with them.

 

[sk!mom]

My parents always sat for my kids when we went out but it was maybe once a month for an evening. They have also kept DD several times while we vacationed. If grandparents are willing to sit often and parents feel the need for a break, then why does it bother you?

If a grandparent doesn't want to sit then they should speak up and say no. I've already warned my children that I won't be the constantly babysitting grma. I'll be the take them to Disney grma and will babysit only occasionally.

 

[*BTMRR*]

Extended family helping with children has been the norm through much of history. I can't imagine not ever getting away with my husband alone. We were married because we adore one another. And all moments on our own are treasured. My mom watches our kids a couple times a year. She does the same for my sister. My kids go to their cousins whenever they have the chance, and we all get some nice time with other people. I see their world expanded by the love others have for them. Cousin time is some of the best time of the year, whether here or there.

I can't imagine not allowing them that time, and thinking that we are the only people who adore them, love spending time with them, making more relationships. So, while you look down your nose on parents wanting time alone that might not be interrupted with crying or vomit, I'll gladly look at the people skills my kids have attained by the other people in their lives. And the fact that my husband and I love to be alone is just one of the fringe benefits.As a matter of fact that was how we got one of them!

Yes, it's true that extended family helping with children has been the norm throughout most of history. In fact, this is still the norm in many cultures. However in these cultures it's typical that the grandparents care for the kids while the kids' parents go to work to support the whole family (including the grandparents who usually live with the family or very close by). It's a symbiotic relationship.

I don't like to see the trend of people having kid after kid and just adding them to the grandparental "day care" and then having the grandparents watch the kids on weekends too so that the parents can get a "break". It would be fine if the grandparents were living with and being supported by their working sons and daughters and everyone was happy with the arrangement but just as a moneysaver for the younger generation--it doesn't seem right to me.

 

[ktlm]

My mom even finds other people's children to look after. .

Good point. Before my Mom started watching DD, she volunteered (no pay) at a day care at least a couple of days a week and also regularly did free babysitting for her friends' kids and grandkids. She would not take money from anyone. She loved it. I'm sure there are some people that weren't too thrilled when we finally had a child and she immediately started directing her attention mostly our way. I'd gladly pay her for what she does for us, but she won't have it. On several occasions I've heard: "I've never let anyone else pay me, do you really think I would let my daughter pay me to play with my own grandchild?"

 

[Gammaresource]

Yes, it's true that extended family helping with children has been the norm throughout most of history. In fact, this is still the norm in many cultures. However in these cultures it's typical that the grandparents care for the kids while the kids' parents go to work to support the whole family (including the grandparents who usually live with the family or very close by). It's a symbiotic relationship.

I don't like to see the trend of people having kid after kid and just adding them to the grandparental "day care" and then having the grandparents watch the kids on weekends too so that the parents can get a "break". It would be fine if the grandparents were living with and being supported by their working sons and daughters and everyone was happy with the arrangement but just as a moneysaver for the younger generation--it doesn't seem right to me.

My grandmother helped my mom raise us even though she didn't live with us.Families help one another out, in my book. Not using one another disrespectfully, but I think that mom2 must have some pretty skeevy people she hangs with. I can't imagine any grandmother I know being so rude, and sharing her hostilities with the world.

 

[kevschickee]

I love spending time with my children, but who I am as a person didn't come to an end when I gave birth, nor did my romantic relationship with my husband. And there's nothing wrong with the kids seeing that Mom & Dad's needs/wants matter too. The key is balance, not martyring oneself on the altar of uber-mommyhood or sacrificing the parent-child relationship to hold onto one's pre-parent identity.

Right on just because we have children we don't stop being who we are. My MIL watches the kids a couple of times a month so we can go out and gasp even watches them over night at times. It is very healthy to have time alone