More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[fussymonkey]

My aunt (in her 70's) watches her 4 grandchildren, ranging in ages from 1-6, every day. (well the 6y/o 1/2 day due to kindergarten) she will tell others that it is "too much," but will not tell her daughter because she is made to feel guilty whenever she is unavailable.
[snip]

For those of you who do have your parents/in-laws watch your children, what do you do if your parent(s)/in-laws are unavailable? Say they were sick, or wanted to go away, or just had plans for the day? With daycare, my mother is the back up, but you can't really use daycare as the back up for your mother..

I get what you're saying, but isn't this just as much your aunt's fault as her daughter's? Nobody can "make" a person feel guilty. Either you choose to have strong boundaries or your don't. Nobody can "make" me feel guilty for not doing something I don't want to do and am not obligated to do If you aunt chooses to be taken advantage of, well, that's 50% her problem, she needs to grow a pair.

To answer your question about what is the backup when grandparents watch kids- in our case its daycare. Our kids are with grandma two days a week, and in daycare three days. Our daycare does drop in days so its no big deal to drop in daycare if Grandma is not feeling well or has an appointment. If for some reason that doesn't work out, like the daycare is full or whatever, then one of us would have to call in at work. Fortunately my MIL is really good at letting us know when she doesn't want to do something. It makes it much easier on us for her to be honest with us than for us to always try and have to guess her feelings.

 

[suzydisney971]

I don't know if it's because I was raised differently or a cultural thing but I sometimes feel guilty if I have my mil watch my son while my husband and I go out which is why I don't do it very often. My husband works Wed-Sunday so he's home on Mon and Tues while I work Mon-Fri. So my in-laws watch my son (he's 1 now) Wed-Fri which they offered to do when I got pregnant. My mil cleans houses on some days so my fil and my husband's aunt watches him for a few hours while she is out. My mom will come and spend a week with us so she can spend time with her only grandson. (She lives in another town about 45 mins away and we have to pick her up and drop her off, long story). On the weekends, I have my son and will visit my mom and will leave him with her so that I can do some shopping or errands without having to drag him along. She spends time with him and I get to do some stuff on my own and not worry about a crying baby. I was raised by my grandmother (she lived with us) and she also took care of two of my cousins while our parents worked. I never had to go to a babysitter or daycare. My parents took me with them everywhere. If I couldn't go, they didn't go and I guess I feel the same way with my son. They weren't fine dining or movie people so maybe it was a little different for them.

Once in a while, my sil will ask to take him for the day on a weekend and I let her. I don't expect others to raise my child but I rather have him be watched by family than strangers who are watching a lot of children and won't be able to give him the one on one attention that he deserves. My son was born 3 months prematurely so I want him to have the attention he needs so that he will mature and learn to do the things he is supposed to do at his age (technically 9 mos) and I don't think he would have that attention at a daycare no matter how good it is. I wish I could be a SAHM but we can't afford it and I don't think anyone should feel guilty about having to work or about having family help with their children. Granted, there are some parents out there who just expect their parents to drop everything to watch the kids so that they can go out 2-3 times a week but that's up to the individual grandparents/parents. Sorry this is so long-winded.

 

[waltskids]

Most of our friends do have their parents to care for their children and many of them babysit full time while the parents work. Both Dh and I do not have any living parents, so this is a foreign concept to us; when we want to go out we pay someone to watch our children, even if it's a friend of ours. Many of our friends have offererd to watch our son for free and say they are his 'adoptive grandparents' but if they refuse payment, we usually end up sneaking it in the form of a gift card or stash it in their house before we leave My niece often leaves her daughter with my sister in law all of the time and gets upset when SIL is unable to watch her. She definitely expects her mom to take care of her child while she works. I don't know what she would do if she had to pay for childcare!

 

[Ava]

Question on this topic.. what do you folks think about grandparents taking the grandkids for the summer? DH's parents used to send him and his little brother to Texas for about 2 months every summer. They spent the summers at their grandparent's farm, and from what I understand the grandparents loved having them there. We plan to do something similar when we have kids, although it might be a little more interesting as both our parents' are divorced.

This is from many pages back now, but my partner spent every summer with her grandparents from the time she was 6-7 years old until she was in high school. One of her cousins who was close in age to her also spent most of the summer with the grandparents, and my partner always talks fondly about those summers. Her grandparents lived in PA and her family had moved to FL, so summer was really the only time she saw her grandparents while she was growing up. I think if the parents, grandparents, and children are happy with the arrangement there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

When I was a kid my cousins & I spent a couple weeks each summer with my grandparents. My grandparents both passed away about 13 years ago and I'm so glad to have had that special time with them as a kid. My cousins & I still talk about our time at "the trailer" & laugh about all the crazy things that always seemed to happen there. I also spent nights with my aunts & uncles on occasion, and my parents returned the favor for them. As a result I'm close with my whole extended family and I love the bond that we all have.

So to get back to the OP, I do think it's wrong for children to use their parents for free childcare all the time. But I think the other extreme - never leaving your child with anyone else - is not good either. I think its important for children to have a relationship with other adults besides their parents, and it's important for them to see their parents having a healthy relationship with each other.

 

[Loriannf]

My child has only one living grandparent, my father. We live 6 hours away from my hometown, but my sister and my step-mother's children all live nearby. They all use my Dad and his wife as their baby-sitters; my sister so much that my father cannot take a few days away to visit my child. He only can find time to visit us two times a year; once for her birthday (fall) and once in the spring (usually for a school event). Even then, he often has to hurry back to take care of my sister's kids.

This has definately caused resentment against my sister and my step-mother's children. My daughter is now starting to notice that other kids at school see their grandparents more often. We do take her to visit, but my sister's kids are always there, so there's no granddaugher/grandpa time.

My dad has also had to frequently reschedule doctor's appointment to accomodate my sister's schedule. We've tried to talk to him about the situation, but he feels he cannot risk saying no as he is afraid that my sister will stop him from seeing the kids at all.

This is a bad situation for everyone involved, and can cause alot of innocent children to be hurt. My daughter has never been away from me for a night, mostly because I don't have any one to leave her with. My dad keeps asking that we send our daughter to him for a week over the summer, but she doesn't feel she wants to. She thinks he just wants her to visit to play with the other kids; not that he wants to spend time with her.

Just my thoughts.

Lori

 

[Tumblwd501]

Obviously every family is different and each of us have different backgrounds that frame our perspective.

I know for my family, it's for mostly cultural reasons that my parents watch our DS6 while both my wife and I work. Both of my parents are immigrants and where they were raised, multiple generations living under the same roof are the norm. A natural extension of that is the grandparents watching the kids while both parents work. After our son was born, we had planned for him to be in day care when my wife was ready to return to work. But my parents asked if they could watch him instead. To be honest, I think my mom was probably looking forward to that day ever since she retired. We've always been open with them that if it got to be too much, they need to let us know and we would make other arrangements. In fact, when ever they go on vacation, we do just that. As for monetary reimbursement, we've brought that up a few times, but they kind of look on that as insult. lol I think a PP mentioned it as well, but they were kinda like, "I don't need money to watch my own grandson!"

Are their parents that expect grandparents to help and get put off when it doesn't happen? Probably. Are their grandparents who have no desire to watch their own grandchildren? Sure. But to paint everyone with a broad brush seems kind of silly.

 

[RadioFanatic]

My child has only one living grandparent, my father. We live 6 hours away from my hometown, but my sister and my step-mother's children all live nearby. They all use my Dad and his wife as their baby-sitters; my sister so much that my father cannot take a few days away to visit my child. He only can find time to visit us two times a year; once for her birthday (fall) and once in the spring (usually for a school event). Even then, he often has to hurry back to take care of my sister's kids.

This has definately caused resentment against my sister and my step-mother's children. My daughter is now starting to notice that other kids at school see their grandparents more often. We do take her to visit, but my sister's kids are always there, so there's no granddaugher/grandpa time.

My dad has also had to frequently reschedule doctor's appointment to accomodate my sister's schedule. We've tried to talk to him about the situation, but he feels he cannot risk saying no as he is afraid that my sister will stop him from seeing the kids at all.

This is a bad situation for everyone involved, and can cause alot of innocent children to be hurt. My daughter has never been away from me for a night, mostly because I don't have any one to leave her with. My dad keeps asking that we send our daughter to him for a week over the summer, but she doesn't feel she wants to. She thinks he just wants her to visit to play with the other kids; not that he wants to spend time with her.

Just my thoughts.

Lori

Lori, this is the exact thing I was complaining about with my situation. I feel for you and your daughter and know how you feel.

 

[badblackpug]

I get what you're saying, but isn't this just as much your aunt's fault as her daughter's? Nobody can "make" a person feel guilty. Either you choose to have strong boundaries or your don't. Nobody can "make" me feel guilty for not doing something I don't want to do and am not obligated to do If you aunt chooses to be taken advantage of, well, that's 50% her problem, she needs to grow a pair.

To answer your question about what is the backup when grandparents watch kids- in our case its daycare. Our kids are with grandma two days a week, and in daycare three days. Our daycare does drop in days so its no big deal to drop in daycare if Grandma is not feeling well or has an appointment. If for some reason that doesn't work out, like the daycare is full or whatever, then one of us would have to call in at work. Fortunately my MIL is really good at letting us know when she doesn't want to do something. It makes it much easier on us for her to be honest with us than for us to always try and have to guess her feelings.

Yep, I agree. But since she lives with her daughter she feels obligated. My mother has always been upfront that she has no desire to babysit full time, so I never considered it an option. My mother, although in her 70's is active, so I feel as if I am interfering with her life if I asked her to sit.

 

[mom2princessj]

I have my priorities plenty straight as well. Got a strong marriage (because I spend ALONE time with my DH for these past 21 years!!!!!!!!!!) lots of friends and fun and family time too. These aren't exclusive to SAHMs, of course.

And, I see how my son thrives when he's with other people...It gives him a sense of confidence that he can navigate without me (my DS has a disability, so this is an important skill for him to develop).

I agree that all families are different, but saying it's "tragic" that women work or that we get sitters to go out with our DHs is just ...well, it's really hard to find polite words to describe it.

And I have enough influence and bond with my son to know that I don't need to be with him 24/7.

great post in response to this poster. I couldn't have stated this opinion better myself! I am a SAHM and my kids are with me all the time. I take time for myself, time with dh, and we spend about 99% of our time with our kids. I'm not less of a parent or person for wanting me time. Maybe its not for everyone but there is no parenting award won for the amount of time you spend with your kids...its about QUALITY time spent not QUANTITY of time spent.

 

[littlbugmom]

My mother watches our children and we pay her. My dh is a firefighter who works 24/48 shifts. Because of this kind of schedule, my mother babysits (in our home) an average of 8 or 9 days a month. We pay her the going daily rate in this area. The arrangement works for her, for us and for our children. Imo, if it works for the people involved it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Along with that, it is up to the people involved to communicate their feelings to each other.

I don't normally ask my mother to babysit for us for any other reason because my sisters and I are close and have always taken each others children for a night here and there. It gives the couples time alone and it helps create strong and lasting bonds between Aunts, Uncles and cousins. This is important to us.

One of my sisters lived with my mother for 5 years (with her then small dd). If it were me, I wouldn't have left my child for my mother to care for as often as my sister did. If I were in my mother's place, I wouldn't have allowed my sister to leave my niece as often as she did. HOWEVER, I am not them. They did what worked for them at the time and I kept my mouth shut. My sister was very young and my mother decided it was working that way. When it needed to change, they changed it.

I might not do things the way others do but that doesn't mean I think what they're doing is wrong. Frankly, I don't care. I'm more of a "It's your business, not mine" type of person and someone else's opinion of how I'm living my life just doesn't mean anything to me.

 

[mickeymom24]

I haven't had time to read all thru the thread, but as a previous law enforcement officer and my husband being in law enforcement as well. Our parents are the only one who we would ever trust with our kids period!!!! I would never hire anyone even if recommended. I do not know their history or with whom they associate with. At least I know that the kids grandparents will watch them as if they are their own.
I have been a stay at home mom for 9 years now, with 4 kids. Yes, we chose to have these kids and they are our sole responsiblity but I can tell you that an occasional night out without the kids makes us happier parents and happier kids.
As far as the kids and their grandparents relationship. My mom is not involved. Does not visit, has her own life(single not working)! I may have asked her to babysit but only as a last resort for an emergency. The kids are not comfortable with her at all. My MIL(works) on the other hand is the opposite, always asking if I need help with them, making herself available when needed. We have never abused her availability. Last night we went out to a friends suprise b-day party, arriving at 9 and leaving at 11 because I was concerned about gma having to work the next day. My kids love her and are always excited about seeing her.
When I have my own grandchildren I will find it an honor to watch them. Hopefully, we will have raised our own children not to take advantage of people including their own relatives and will not have that problem.

 

[DVC_Princess]

It takes a village to raise a child. There have been numerous articles about the baby boomer generation, who were the first mom's to try to have it all (working and raising a family) and how it took a toll on their lives. Many of those women reflect on how hard it was for them and are more than happy to play an integral part in raising their grandkids (taking a lot of strain off the guilt that working mom's often feel regarding daycare).

So maybe times are changing when it comes to raising children? But in many ways this is a good thing as it reflects simpler times when many generations lived together and everyone participated in running the home.

In regards to judging situations in which you play no role: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 

[Aristomommy]

It's funny how things work out sometimes. MIL just called and asked to have the kids for a week later this month. Then she called again and extended it to 10 days so they can attend VBS with her. This is really unusual for us, but I am so excited for them to be able to spend time with their cousins and grandparents. And for DH and I to spend some quality time together, maybe even finish projects around the house.

 

[MrsNick]

in regards to judging situations in which you play no role: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

ita!

 

[mom2meiko]

i confess i have not read all of the posts in this thread but i did want to contribute my perspective.

my dd is nearly 2 yrs old and has had 3 babysitters in her entire life - her grandfather, her aunt and my bff (who was on vacation with us and watched her while dh and i had dinner one night - we did the same for her.) i am extremely protective of my dd because i have heard way too many horror stories of abusive babysitters and do not want to subject my dd to that.

i do work - and my dad requested to be her babysitter when i became pregnant because he did not want her going to daycare. (he did the same for my sis's 2 kids.) he watches her 3 days a week, on the days that he chose and he always has the option of going on vacation, cancelling for lunch dates, appts, etc. (he does this frequently.) in those instances we either alter our work schedules or my sis (sahm) will watch her instead. i don't work because i want to, i work because i have to in order to pay my mortgage, etc. if i had the choice, i would be a sahm.

i could probably count on one hand the number of times we've asked for additional babysitting days from either my father or my sister - and they've been for either dr appts, work events or other events that dd has not been invited to. we do not typically go out just for the sake of getting out because we prefer to spend our free time with our dd. (not making a judgment on anyone here - this is just our choice which many people frown on.)

all this being said - my father's biggest complaint? that he never gets to see his granddaughter. lol! he regularly asks for her for sleep overs, etc., we just don't like to give up our time with her.

our situation works for all of us - and that's what matters. my dd loves her grampy and is safe and nurtured by him when we are unable to be with her - so we don't worry about her while she is away from us. also - my father has a heart condition and we know his time with us is limited so it is important to all of us that he get to spend as much time with his grandchildren while he is able to. we don't expect it from him but we are eternally grateful for him!

 

[Ephany]

I've been watching this thread, but didn't really have anything to contribute until today. Both sets of parents live far away, and even though we have an open door policy for visiting, they usually only see DD once or twice a year. My MIL's been nagging for years to put DD on a plane (by HERSELF, she's 6) and fly her up to visit for a month or two. She just doesn't understand why we won't let a kindergartner fly alone. Plus there's the fact that MIL and FIL work so who's going to watch DD during the day, and they're not active people. They also live in an area with no other children, I'm not sticking my daughter on a plane to spend the summer watching tv.

We're in the process of moving. DH is uncomfortable with renting a house without seeing it (buying's out of the question, we had to sign paperwork saying we could be transferred without notice) so we asked the parents if anyone would be willing to fly down so we could house hunt in the new area without dragging DD along. We'd pay for airfare and other expenses of course; if no one could because of previous commitments, it's ok, we have a back-up plan. We just thought that since both our mothers hint frequently about seeing DD more often, it might be a good way for DD to spend some quality time with her grandparents on our dime so they wouldn't have to worry about cost.

My mom's schedule doesn't allow for it, she can't get the time off work. My dad is selling their house and is in the process of retiring so no vacation for him either. FIL's not interested, that's fine. MIL says she's already promised those days to help out some people at work, we're cool with that and contact our backup (a good family friend) who's totally ok with watching DD.

MIL calls today and says my SIL (a SAHM) is just swamped. So MIL is going to take my niece for the rest of the summer and wants DD to fly up to 'help out' for a month or two?! DD is 6, and no she didn't say play with, it was definitely more along the lines of 'watch' my niece who is 3. Oh, and did I mention we'll be paying for the airfare for DD to fly up there? DH said no right away and MIL starts in with the guilt trip about wanting to spend more time with her granddaughter and how we keep her away from the rest of the family. I'm just so boggled at the situation, and hoping she really didn't think that we'd let a 6 year be in charge of a 3 year old 5 states away, since I'm assuming MIL would still be going to work. How my DH turned out so normal, I'll never know.

 

[averysmom]

My mom watches my dd one day/week. (ds is in school) She always has. She enjoys it - it gives her time with my kids to really get to know them. And since she lives on an acerage with horses and a barn and cats, etc, I love that my kids get to do things that thet can't at home.

It's not really a money thing - my mom lives a half hour from where we live - in the exact opposite direction from my work. The gas it takes to drive dd there and pick her up can't be that much less than the 25$ ,my sitter charges

My parents also take the kids overnight probably 1X/month. Sometimes we ask - if we want to go out - sometimes they want the kids to do something with them.

My ILs also watch my ds 1-2x/week afterschool for the hour until we get home.

 

[baz212]

When i was a kid a spent one weekend a month with my paternal grandparents until they moved to Chicago when I was 10. Then it switched to spending a week or 2 with them in the summer. Those are some of my best memories w/ my grandparents, planting suckers w/ grandma and eating Andes mints on Grandpa's lap while he read to me. I also spent some time at the weekends at the campground w/ my maternal grandparents. I also spent many weekends growing up with my parent's best friends and my Dad's youngest sister. Even with all of this time away from my parens, I couldn't be closer to them.

DS5 started spending the night w/ parents when he was a baby and I don't regret a minute of it. He is so close to his Nana and is still mourning the loss of his beloved Papa in December. My parents watched him every summer during the week that my sitter was on vacation. DH and I don't leave him alone with my MIL because of a lot of reasons, but he spends lots of time w/ SIL and BIL and FIL will take him fishing and wants to start taking him camping this summer. Spending some nights with my mom after dad died has helped both of them a lot. And DH and I are closer for the time we get to spend alone. We do also have 5 teenagers that we use as babysitters occasionally. Heck, I'm thinking of taking my aunt up on her offer of taking him for a week this summer. She lives an hour and half away, but she has an inground pool and 4 teenage children who adore my son, and my son adores them.

 

[Krissy Marissy]

My sister is likes this. She is a part time mom for sure, and that's probably giving her too much credit. She is constantly leaving her son with my parents. In fact until he was 2 yrs old my parents basically raised him as their son. Now his dad has split custody, he takes him for 3 days/nights a week, then she leaves him with my parents at least one night a week. And still complains that being a mom is hard. It is to the point where they will not babysit any other grand children, they are tired of it. I feel sorry for my parents and have my kids watched once a month by my inlawas, as they are always begging to...usually I spend those hours deep cleaning or running errands.