More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[mom2aredhead]

Yup - that's me. Friend to the "skeevy"

 

[anabelle]

I think every family has a different dynamic. It is up to you when you become a grandparent to set boundaries. Some kids will take advantage. I have seen it all to often. But mostly, I see that grandparents wish they could spend more time with their grandkids. People are so busy that the extended family ties just don't exist anymore. I remember fondly when I was a kid that my parents use to drop us off at grandma's with all the cousins. It was crazy fun.

 

[princessmom29]

I think every family has a different dynamic. It is up to you when you become a grandparent to set boundaries. Some kids will take advantage. I have seen it all to often. But mostly, I see that grandparents wish they could spend more time with their grandkids. People are so busy that the extended family ties just don't exist anymore. I remember fondly when I was a kid that my parents use to drop us off at grandma's with all the cousins. It was crazy fun.

I remember my grandparents taking 5 of us cousins to the beach for a week at least twice when we were kids. They had a little cinder block beach house that they built from scratch when my mom was a teenager. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. It was craziness, butg it was some of the most fun i have ever had!

 

[ashleyd725@hotmail.c]

DH and I get so upset with our friends because they are always asking us to go out like constantly, When I ask where they are taking their 3 kids they always say "to my parents house for the weekend????" now they are usually there 2-3 nights during the week too!?!?!?!
I am 24 and DH is 25 and neither one of us has ever been to a bar/club or anything where they do not welcome children (DH turned 21 while I was pregnant with DS and I didnt turn 21 until he was 2 mos old.), we even have our work schedules opposite so that our kids are with one of us all the time. I do not like the idea of pawning off our children, we visit grandparents very ofter, but as a family affair not to drop them off to be watched.
We have this discussion all the time... I would much rather spend time with my kids at the park or Chuck E Cheese then go out with friends, but who knows maybe that is just me!

 

[disykat]

Same old argument on the DIS...

OP comes on and describes a situation where the parents are dropping the kids off three evenings a week plus every weekend with the grandparents. She thinks they are taking advantage. She describes an extreme situation.

Then a whole bunch of people who've EVER had their parents watch their kids occasionally and had them overnight with the grandparents as well - freaking out that they've been insulted.

OP never said there was anything wrong with kids spending time with their grandparents. She never said there was anything wrong with going on dates or getaways. I don't know where people are getting that idea.

People really think both parents regularly leaving their children 3 nights a week plus overnights on the weekends (and I'm assuming this is not thier work time) is okay? That means the parents are spending two, maybe three, evenings a week with their children. I don't get it! Is this okay with people because it's the grandparents, or is it just okay to see so little of your children? Why are people defending this?

 

[princessmom29]

Same old argument on the DIS...

OP comes on and describes a situation where the parents are dropping the kids off three evenings a week plus every weekend with the grandparents. She thinks they are taking advantage. She describes an extreme situation.

Then a whole bunch of people who've EVER had their parents watch their kids occasionally and had them overnight with the grandparents as well - freaking out that they've been insulted.

OP never said there was anything wrong with kids spending time with their grandparents. She never said there was anything wrong with going on dates or getaways. I don't know where people are getting that idea.

People really think both parents regularly leaving their children 3 nights a week plus overnights on the weekends (and I'm assuming this is not thier work time) is okay? That means the parents are spending two, maybe three, evenings a week with their children. I don't get it! Is this okay with people because it's the grandparents, or is it just okay to see so little of your children? Why are people defending this?

I don't thnk it was the OP that most people took offense to. Yes, the situation she described is obviously unacceptable. What I and I think most other people found offensive and felt the need to address was the PP who said that leaving your children with anyone else for any reason meant that you "didn't like spending time with your children".

 

[kevschickee]

I don't thnk it was the OP that most people took offense to. Yes, the situation she described is obviously unacceptable. What I and I think most other people found offensive and felt the need to address was the PP who said that leaving your children with anyone else for any reason meant that you "didn't like spending time with your children".

Exactly this

 

[connorlevismom]

Same old argument on the DIS...

OP comes on and describes a situation where the parents are dropping the kids off three evenings a week plus every weekend with the grandparents. She thinks they are taking advantage. She describes an extreme situation.

Then a whole bunch of people who've EVER had their parents watch their kids occasionally and had them overnight with the grandparents as well - freaking out that they've been insulted.

OP never said there was anything wrong with kids spending time with their grandparents. She never said there was anything wrong with going on dates or getaways. I don't know where people are getting that idea.

People really think both parents regularly leaving their children 3 nights a week plus overnights on the weekends (and I'm assuming this is not thier work time) is okay? That means the parents are spending two, maybe three, evenings a week with their children. I don't get it! Is this okay with people because it's the grandparents, or is it just okay to see so little of your children? Why are people defending this?

Thank you! I never said that it is evil to go out without your kids or anything of the sort.

The nieces that I am talking about BOTH work full-time and their kids attend daycare during the day. The one that goes out 3 nights a week and every weekend is one of them. Now, please tell me how that is OK. So if she works full-time and is gone every weekend, that means she sees her kid about 16 hours a week. That is enough?

Kristine

 

[ilandrazdsw]

My parents and MIL (and FIL) watched DS and DD when we lived near them.
MIL would take them every Saturday night for 3 hours. She works, so this was somehting we started when DS was a baby for a way for her (them) to spend time with the kids. When DD was born she went when she would take a bottle. DH's brother's child also goes. It is quality time for them and we get a date night.
My parents are retired so they would take the kids often just to spend time with them, not for sake of me asking. In fact, I actually got peeved after DD was born and DH went back to work (out to sea for 3 weeks at a time) caue they would just show up and insist on taking DS. I realize they were trying to help, but it made me feel like I couldn't care for my own kids (they are 2 yrs 1 week apart). Even now my dad thinks that we can't live without them since we have moved...he's worried how we will manage school and work schedules in the fall.
Whenever DH and I have had to travel without the kids the kids always stay with either set of grandparents (usually split the time between them). MIL would take the kids on vacation with her when she goes to visit family too.
I much rather my kids spend time with their grandparents than a babysitter. I know how special all the nights at my grandparents' house were and still remember games we played and movies we saw and I do want that for my kids. DH's grandfathers and grandmother all passed when he was too young to really remember them, so he too wants them to have that time together.

 

[princessmom29]

Thank you! I never said that it is evil to go out without your kids or anything of the sort.

The nieces that I am talking about BOTH work full-time and their kids attend daycare during the day. The one that goes out 3 nights a week and every weekend is one of them. Now, please tell me how that is OK. So if she works full-time and is gone every weekend, that means she sees her kid about 16 hours a week. That is enough?

Kristine

You are absolutely right and I do have relatives who do this. I hope you didn't think i was taking offense to what YOU said. You are totally justified in being upset about them taking advantage. My cousins share a fence line with our grandmother(the kids great grandmother) and she does not work. She will call my grandmother to pick up the 3 kids from school and grandma will have to send them home at bedtime. They will just jump the fence and stay for hours at a time, and grandma is just not physically capable of dealing with three poorly behaved children for that amount of time. It is a continual thing, and when she can't get grandma to do it the go to my cousin's mom for the weekend. I totally understand where you ar coming form and was not saying at all that you were not justified in being upset.

 

[mirandag819]

To me it isn't about the cost of hiring a babysitter, I could easily pay for it, it is the way the world is these days, I don't trust a stranger to watch my little girl. So if DH and I have a date night we will only do so if family is available. I don't usually ask for my MIL to watch DD very often, but here lately I have been asking her about once every other week for a few hours on Saturday so I can cut my grass and grocery shop, which are hard to do with a 3 year old and my DH is in Iraq. I don't ask her because I don't want to pay someone, I ask her because I trust her and I know DD is safe and happy with her, but I would never expect her to drop everything and watch DD, I work around her schedule.

I guess I am in the minority, but I almost think kids are being watched by grandparents less...... when I was growing up everyone stayed with their grandparents M-F 8-5 while the parents worked, but these days people are working to an older age and both grandma and grandpa work. When I was a child a lot of grandma's didn't work and I know all my friends and I stayed with our grandmas during the day, but most of my daughter's friends grandparents are still working themselfs.

 

[Stellapedia]

I never go out, but not because I am trying to martyr myself. Because I genuinely do not want to be away from my kids. That doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else, it just is. I don't enjoy going out if I'm not with them. Having dinner or a movie would suck, because I would be focusing on not being with them. We go out as a couple once a year, to a Christmas concert, and neither sets of parents watch him because we're out too late! We leave that to a friend who comes over and plays fairy godmother all night.

 

[Stellapedia]

To me it isn't about the cost of hiring a babysitter, I could easily pay for it, it is the way the world is these days, I don't trust a stranger to watch my little girl. So if DH and I have a date night we will only do so if family is available. I don't usually ask for my MIL to watch DD very often, but here lately I have been asking her about once every other week for a few hours on Saturday so I can cut my grass and grocery shop, which are hard to do with a 3 year old and my DH is in Iraq. I don't ask her because I don't want to pay someone, I ask her because I trust her and I know DD is safe and happy with her, but I would never expect her to drop everything and watch DD, I work around her schedule.

I guess I am in the minority, but I almost think kids are being watched by grandparents less...... when I was growing up everyone stayed with their grandparents M-F 8-5 while the parents worked, but these days people are working to an older age and both grandma and grandpa work. When I was a child a lot of grandma's didn't work and I know all my friends and I stayed with our grandmas during the day, but most of my daughter's friends grandparents are still working themselfs.

Agreed. The main reason I would not leave him in daycare or with a sitter is because I don't trust anyone with his health. It's too fragile and too easily screwed with, my dad (a doctor), my step-mom (a nurse), and my MIL (a nurse) are all able to medically care for him. They know how to take care of him, a babysitter I just wouldn't trust to do it. I also trust my father to use a car seat correctly, but no one else.

I was with my grandparents all the time growing up. And I didn't always like it, but now as an adult I remember it and am happy and love that it happened.

 

[Colleen27]

Same old argument on the DIS...

OP comes on and describes a situation where the parents are dropping the kids off three evenings a week plus every weekend with the grandparents. She thinks they are taking advantage. She describes an extreme situation.

Then a whole bunch of people who've EVER had their parents watch their kids occasionally and had them overnight with the grandparents as well - freaking out that they've been insulted.

OP never said there was anything wrong with kids spending time with their grandparents. She never said there was anything wrong with going on dates or getaways. I don't know where people are getting that idea.

When the OP said:

Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that if I chose to have a kid, then it is my responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. That you give up your free and fun time to be a parent.

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter!

So is it just me or are things really changing in the way people parent these days?

It sure sounds like she's talking about more than one extreme example within her own family. First impression was that she was very critical of the general practice of grandparents providing free childcare for non-essential outings, and though subsequent posts give more perspective, it was that original post that people reacted to.

 

[kevschickee]

Thank you! I never said that it is evil to go out without your kids or anything of the sort.

The nieces that I am talking about BOTH work full-time and their kids attend daycare during the day. The one that goes out 3 nights a week and every weekend is one of them. Now, please tell me how that is OK. So if she works full-time and is gone every weekend, that means she sees her kid about 16 hours a week. That is enough?

Kristine

I don't think anyone took issue with what your OP said. I know for me it was another post in this thread that upset me not yours

 

[Colleen27]

Yes, it's true that extended family helping with children has been the norm throughout most of history. In fact, this is still the norm in many cultures. However in these cultures it's typical that the grandparents care for the kids while the kids' parents go to work to support the whole family (including the grandparents who usually live with the family or very close by). It's a symbiotic relationship.

I don't like to see the trend of people having kid after kid and just adding them to the grandparental "day care" and then having the grandparents watch the kids on weekends too so that the parents can get a "break". It would be fine if the grandparents were living with and being supported by their working sons and daughters and everyone was happy with the arrangement but just as a moneysaver for the younger generation--it doesn't seem right to me.

Symbiotic relationships take many forms, though, and don't require living under the same roof or even in the same neighborhood. Family helps one another, plain and simple. We get a break we wouldn't otherwise get, and we save on a sitter. She saves on home repairs/improvements when DH handles the problems that come up at her house on his days off (he's a licensed builder & a handyman by trade). We all travel together, sometimes we pay, sometimes she pays, sometimes we split the costs. If she sees something on sale that she knows we need, she picks it up. I do the same. We live about 40 miles apart, but see each other just about every weekend at least, and the relationship goes back and forth on who is helping whom at any given moment.

 

[locolala]

I was lucky, my gramma lived with us from the time I was 6 until I was 16. My parents both worked FT and it was great having her in the house. She'd cook us dinner, referee fights, and make us do our homework until my parents got home. I always wanted to spend the night in the basement (she had an apartment down there) with her. I don't think it was a bad thing at all that my gramma took care of us while my folks were working. I can understand why some could get upset about spending only a few hours a week with your kids, but I don't think it's going to massively damage them psychologically. My dad's a child psychologist, so I don't think he would have done anything that would have hurt us.

 

[im4pacers1]

My parents live 90 miles away and BEG me to keep my DD overnight, when I pick her up after the weekend, they are so sad to see her go and BEG me to keep her all week!!! My DD feels the same way about them. Of course, they spoil her rotten, but she cries and cries when they leave. I think it's sweet and good for her to get to know them. I didn't have grandparents growing up, my dad is older and my mom was adopted. I was always so jealous of my friends' relationships with their grandparents.

 

[PHXscuba]

Wow, I went away for a bit this afternoon, and this thread went from 2 to 6 pages! Touchy topic, I guess.

I didn't have grandparents growing up (both parents orphaned by 12), and my parents rarely went anywhere alone together, in part because my mom hated to leave us and didn't really have anyone to keep us. As a result (amateur psychology time) in retirement they have very separate interests and don't really interact. DH and I swore we weren't going to end up like that, so we do try to get away once a year for at least a few days. Mostly my mom comes from out-of-state and watches them at our home. She was actually grumpy we didn't let her watch them one time last year (because she was in the middle of chemo!!!)

My in-laws live here in town and we have always been very careful to not make them our regular sitters. My MIL has several friends who have turned into the overworked unpaid grandma-sitters many PPs have referred to, and I could tell from Day 1 that she didn't want that. I reserve her for emergencies or business/church obligations when we can't get someone, but I do the rest trading with friends or paying teenagers I trust. I am thankful I am able to be a SAHM.

While I believe an involved extended family is great for kids (we moved to our current house to be close to cousins and in-laws), I don't think grandparents should be put in the position of having to be the parents again. There is something special about the grandparent-grandchild relationship!

PHXscuba

 

[MonkersMama]

Quite the opposite for us...

The closest grandparents live 2 hours away and they've only been called on twice in the past 5.5 years to lend a hand (both times my DH had to make an emergency trip half-way across the country). When they do come (every few months) to visit, it would be WONDERFUL if DH and I an opportunity to go out for dinner...but that never happens. They are too busy shopping and having their own agenda to volunteer that kind of time to their grandchildren/children. The two other sets of grandparents are, as mentioned, half-way across the country. One set (MIL/SFIL) has come to see the grandchildren twice (one time we paid), the other set (FIL/SMIL) has never met their granddaughter, and has been once.

Do I sound bitter? It's 'cause I am.