More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[mjantz]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

Why would I deny my children time spent one-on-one with their grandparents? I still remember one weekend my parents were coming to visit & my dad called & asked 'Would you & (DH) want to go to a movie Saturday night? We'd like to take the kids to play Putt-Putt & pizza.'

DH & I also both take a class 1 night a week just for fun. For me its dance & him its an instrument but its great for both of us. I love my kids but I enjoy my 'girl' time in dance class.

I was a wife & human with outside interests before I had kids & after they grow up & move away I will still be a wife & still have those outside interests. I refuse to be one of those women who turn around after their kids have moved on & say 'Now what do I do?'.

 

[DISNEYNV]

My parents watch my kids while DH and I are both at work Thursday nights. My DD(5) loves to go to my parents as well. She loves the individual attention she gets when with them and doesn't want to come home most times! I think it is great when grandparents really want to spend time with their grandkids. I think if more grandparents were retired they would spend more time with the grandkids. My parents still work FT so they do what they can... They do have their own lives and I do not think of them as babysitters.

 

[MK2010]

I think there's probably a HUGE difference, as we've seen in this thread, in family dynamics. No two are the same. My side of the family loves to watch the kdis- as long as its convenient for them. My DH side of the family will watch the kids whether or not its convenient for them. My SIL uses her parents all the time. I don't think they like it. I want to go back to school and wish I could use them a little more, but I don't think they're comfortable with that- and that is their right. I can respect that.

 

[fussymonkey]

Originally Posted by tloveswdw
I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy

First things first, who was raising your children for you when you were an educator?

I find the insinuation that people who have thier children in daycare are not raising thier children to be utterly offensive. Has Dr. Laura been feeding you soundbites to regurgitate?

I find it sad that a couple doesn't need adult alone time. Personally, there are activities my DH and I enjoy that require two things: alone time and an empty house. Life lived without the occasional bout of hotel sex- no thanks. That doesn't make us selfish- just in love with each other.

I love my 'me' time. I sew, I write, I read, I enjoy indulging in my own interests. Usually 'me' time happens after the kids are in bed for the night, or I go out with the girls once a month- and that's healthy too, the kids need the one-on-one time with just daddy. I also LOVE spending time with my kids. Life is all about balance, balaning the needs of our marriage, our family, and each individual in the family -and no one of these things is more or less important than the others.

Children are all the healthier for having many loving relationships with extended family, rather than just being cloistered with thier parents and siblings.

 

[anabelle]

Symbiotic relationships take many forms, though, and don't require living under the same roof or even in the same neighborhood. Family helps one another, plain and simple.

I agree completely. But one should never take a family member's help for granted or think of it as something we are entitled to. We should cherish it and reciprocate as much as possible.

 

[disykat]

First things first, who was raising your children for you when you were an educator?

I'm guessing she was an educator before kids since she obviously has VERY strong feelings about never leaving her children. While she might not be phrasing it the most politically correct way, when you read her post remember that she isn't talking about you, she is probably responding to the OP's extreme example of working parents choosing to spend most of their off work hours away from their children. She didn't say you were wrong to work, or that you are wrong to ever have your own interests, she was responding about someone (as in the OP) who had no interest in spending time with her kids.

I understand how you could have interpretted her words as an attack on your beliefs, but it wasn't personal. Your responded with personal attacks.

 

[*BTMRR*]

Symbiotic relationships take many forms, though, and don't require living under the same roof or even in the same neighborhood. Family helps one another, plain and simple. We get a break we wouldn't otherwise get, and we save on a sitter. She saves on home repairs/improvements when DH handles the problems that come up at her house on his days off (he's a licensed builder & a handyman by trade). We all travel together, sometimes we pay, sometimes she pays, sometimes we split the costs. If she sees something on sale that she knows we need, she picks it up. I do the same. We live about 40 miles apart, but see each other just about every weekend at least, and the relationship goes back and forth on who is helping whom at any given moment.

Oh yes, this is exactly what I was talking about (a symbiotic relationship). I didn't mean to sound like grandparents who babysit should only be live-in grandparents. I just meant that work/kindness/help/etc. should be reciprocated so that things even out as much as possible. I do think sometimes people take advantage of grandparents and over time forget to give back in any way they can.

I had one 60ish neighbor who was taking in grandchild after grandchild for fulltime daycare and many weekend overnights and she confided in me once (as she gave me a tour of the nice RV she and her DH had bought a few years earlier but were now selling) that all the plans she and her husband had made for road trips during their golden years would not come to pass because of the childcare they had to do. Her husband was resentful. She felt they were just doing what they were obligated to do as grandparents. Of course they both loved the grandkids but I thought it was sad. Maybe that conversation made me a little more sensitive to this type of situation than I should be. Hopefully, most of the time grandparents aren't forced to sacrifice like this unless they truly want to.

 

[mom2princessj]

Why would I deny my children time spent one-on-one with their grandparents? I still remember one weekend my parents were coming to visit & my dad called & asked 'Would you & (DH) want to go to a movie Saturday night? We'd like to take the kids to play Putt-Putt & pizza.'

DH & I also both take a class 1 night a week just for fun. For me its dance & him its an instrument but its great for both of us. I love my kids but I enjoy my 'girl' time in dance class.

I was a wife & human with outside interests before I had kids & after they grow up & move away I will still be a wife & still have those outside interests. I refuse to be one of those women who turn around after their kids have moved on & say 'Now what do I do?'.

First off...I DID NOT read all responses because this thread is so long.

I do agree with the above quoted statement.
I LOVE being a mother to my two kids...I stay at home with them and wouldn't have it any other way HOWEVER I'm still a person and with such I do need to have time for myself outside of being a mother.

If dh and I want to go out I call my family FIRST. We don't have a babysitter and truth be told I'm much more comfortable asking my mother, my aunt, my sister, or one of dh's family members to care for my kids. I know they are being loved and well cared for so if I go out I have no worries that my kids are safe and happy. We have hired a babysitter I think one time for us to go to a school open house that our kids couldn't go to. I'm just not comfortable leaving them with anyone else but family so if that makes me a bad parent for asking my family to watch my kids while I go out and have time for myself so be it. We make an effort to go out once per month sometimes once every other month. I don't think its wrong or excessive to want to spend time alone with dh and have a good time for ourselves without kids.

It is my responsibility to care for and parent my children. However I see no problem with me calling my mom their grandma and ask her to come and stay with my kids (she drives an hour) so she can have some time with them and we can have some time to ourselves. My mom ADORES my kids and LOVES to have time with them. She gets 5 weeks of vacation every year and every January she calls me to say she'd like to take one week and have the kids with her. I did this with my grandparents as a kid and know several of my other sahm friends that have parents that take their kids like this as well. I always had such a great time and looked forward to the summers I could spend the time with my grandparents.

Everyone does what works for their own family. I for one feel greatful that I have so many family members that ask to and love to spend time with my kids. I have peace and security when away from them knowing they are being loved and safely cared for by someone who loves them...that's what keeps me calling them and their love is what keeps them coming back!

 

[RadioFanatic]

I totally agree and dh and I have both seen it with our respective sisters. First, it was my sister who had my mom watch her kids 5 days a week FOR FREE while she worked. It drove me crazy b/c in addition to not paying, my mom got the kids their food and snacks and diapers. It just recently stopped this year when my sis decided to become a SAHM (and eldest went into kindergarten this year), but that was about 5 years of sis and hubby saving about $12,000 a year and more once three year old came along. Did mom get any sort of thank you gift or ANYTHING? nope.

Now recently, my husband's 33 year old sister, ie, old enough to know better, got knocked up so decided to move back home and her parents watch her kid for free while she works. Once again, just expected, no thanks.

We live out of town of both so we're on our own with day care, etc. Honestly though, I think we still would have done daycare bc I really see how good it has been for our son's social skills etc, plus I think my mom let the kids watch WAY too much tv. But if we had used our parents in any form, I would not have expected it to be free. It's hard work to take care of little ones, especially at the age they are, KWIM?

The worst part, however, is I really feel our son is getting the shaft. Everything is about the kids they see constantly. That's the part that upsets me the most.

Sorry to rant and rave on your thread - you just hit a hot topic for me that we are currently dealing with.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

I was a wife & human with outside interests before I had kids & after they grow up & move away I will still be a wife & still have those outside interests. I refuse to be one of those women who turn around after their kids have moved on & say 'Now what do I do?'.

I find it sad that a couple doesn't need adult alone time. Personally, there are activities my DH and I enjoy that require two things: alone time and an empty house. Life lived without the occasional bout of hotel sex- no thanks. That doesn't make us selfish- just in love with each other.
.

Well said! I have 2 children with 1 on the way and while my mom does babysit 2-3 days a week, she is well paid for it. She is a very young 55 year old women and retired from her job a few years ago. She enjoys the time she spends with them and tears up when she thinks about them being with a sitter or daycare. Having children has brought us closer together. We spend a lot of time together doing everything from trips to errands at Walmart.

 

[connorlevismom]

When the OP said:






It sure sounds like she's talking about more than one extreme example within her own family. First impression was that she was very critical of the general practice of grandparents providing free childcare for non-essential outings, and though subsequent posts give more perspective, it was that original post that people reacted to.

Actually, I am being very critical of the parents, not the grandparents. I am sorry but I have issues with people who EXPECT people to watch their kids so they can go have fun. It has nothing to do with grandparents ASKING to watch the kids but rather the parents TELLING the grandparents they are going to watch their kids. Parents having kids when obviously they are still to immature and need to party several times a week. I am sorry but if you only see your kid about 16 hours a week, what the heck do you need a break from? And that is the reason my one niece uses as her reason for having my brother watch his grandson all the time. She needs a break. A break from what?

Kristine

 

[MoniqueU]

My mom lives with us because I can't see to drive and she wasn't making ends meet on SS. But even when she didn't she was at my house almost daily helping out. We are that close. I am an only child and she loves to feel needed. Yes she is helping me raise my kids I am fully aware of that but none of us would have it any other way. My MIL offered to watch my kids who are all older so my mom and I could go down south to visit a friend and have a few days to ourselves. It went horribly even though my kids were in school most of the day. She bossed them around the whole time and it was just very unpleasant for my kids and that won't happen again. I have also used paid sitters quite a bit before my mom moved up to my county. I believe in having time alone as a couple and was willing to pay for it. It works for us and my MIL will never have a close relationship with my kids like my mom does but that works too. Whatever floats everyones boat.
ETA I am a SAHM and always have been and my DH works about 60 hours a week so I got plenty of time with my kids.

 

[tzolkin]

All the way back from page 1... (haven't been online for a while )

I think what your asking me is why I don't hire a babysitter if I have an appointment instead of asking my parents. Is this right? I just want to make sure that I undertand what your asking before I answer.

Actually, I was asking the opposite. Why is it necessary to hire a babysitter to go out with DH rather than asking your parents?

You seemed to be saying that it's okay for grandparents to watch the kids if you were doing something necessary, but not if you wanted to do something fun.

Not criticizing your point of view, just wondering what the difference is.


I do agree with you about the situation you were describing with your family. It seems the mother is taking advantage of the grandparents and simply doesn't want to be around her child. That situation is sad for the child and unfair for the grandparents. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking grandparents to watch the kids for a few hours a few times a year so the parents can spend some time alone together.

 

[connorlevismom]

All the way back from page 1... (haven't been online for a while )



Actually, I was asking the opposite. Why is it necessary to hire a babysitter to go out with DH rather than asking your parents?

You seemed to be saying that it's okay for grandparents to watch the kids if you were doing something necessary, but not if you wanted to do something fun.

Not criticizing your point of view, just wondering what the difference is.


I do agree with you about the situation you were describing with your family. It seems the mother is taking advantage of the grandparents and simply doesn't want to be around her child. That situation is sad for the child and unfair for the grandparents. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking grandparents to watch the kids for a few hours a few times a year so the parents can spend some time alone together.

Thanks for clarifying. I was not sure I was reading it correctly so I am glad that I asked.

Mainly, that is the way I was brought up. I was brought up in a house where my mother always made it clear she did not think that mom's deserve fun time. Now, I am not saying that I agree with her, I am just saying that is how she felt. She feels that if you choose to have kids, your fun time ends.

So for me to ask her to watch my kids so I could go have fun would make me feel guilty because while she would probably do it, I would know she does not think I deserve it. Besides, there is a large part of me that knows they are older (they are in their late 70's) and have raised 7 kids of their own. This is their time now. About 3 times a year or so they will ASK me to watch him and tell us to go have fun. But like I said, that is just the way I was raised.

Kristine

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I agree there are lots of different situations. In your case, you were supporting him financially so he was not providing "free" daycare. You were providing financial support, he was providing childcare - mutually beneficial.

I was talking about the ones that pay zero, offer zero, or save zero to give to the grandparents down the road if they need it. The grandparents provide free full time child care, and the parents of the child provide nothing in return. That's a different situation.

Hmmm.....just a little judgemental are you? I don't know why some people are always so quick to judge others. I am a recipient of "free daycare" and my parents watch my kids while dh and I work. They live very comfortably in their retirement and won't accept payment for what they do. I never asked them to watch the kids, they actually insisted that they would be the best people to watch them and they did not want my kids to go to daycare. (My parents also encouraged me to continue my career since they had placed a large investment in my college education).

My parents have a very close relationship with my children (their only grandchildren) and try to see them almost every day, even if it's just a short visit. My in-laws live next door and they also help out with the kids at times. I rarely ask, they usually volunteer because they enjoy spending time with the kids. The kids have never been watched by a paid babysitter (other than my cousin who babysat for us a couple of times and not counting preschool/school).

Family is extremely important to dh and I, and we live where we do because both of our families are close by. My children's grandparents have chosen to be active in my kids lives, and dh and I both grew up in a similar fashion. I hope one day that I have the opportunity to watch and spend a lot of time with my grandchildren.

Just be careful when you judge others....what's right for one family may be totally different for another.

 

[tloveswdw]

Oh, please. This is pretty over the top. It goes to the whole martyrmomdom thing.

On the flip side, I think it's tragic when parents think that it's a GOOD thing that their children don't get to spend good quality time with others.

Me, I like time with just my DH, and I won't apologize for it. And I like time with just my friends (do a girls' cruise every year) and I won't apologize for that, either.

wow, martyrmomdom...please. It is called having priorities, a strong marriage, supportive and fun friends, and putting family first.

Just because I see the purpose in raising and spending time with my children, doesn't make me anything more than a mom trying her best.

I do think all families work differently, and every family needs different setups for child rearing etc. For some that is daycare, nanny, or grandparents...

I will never apologize for being a SAHM, who has the ability to love and support her family. I will also not feel bad that our life has allowed us to include our children in it, without feeling like we are sacrificing.

And, I know I am not alone, in feeling that trips without my DH and children would not be as fun. I get to got to places like Sonnenalp Resort in Vail, and go to the spa with my sister for two hours, and then... see my DH and children. Many of don't need to get away, because we 'have it all' right at home.

 

[ncmomof2]

I have not read the whole thread. I have four kids. This Sept. will be the third time my parents have gone with us to Disney. They have offered to take the kids so we can go to dinner ourselves. I have never taken them up with the offer. I just feel that it is a family vacation so we stay together. While to would be nice for my hubby and I to go off, it is nicer for him to spend time with the kids since he is working most of the time. That is just me!

 

[mjkacmom]

Hmmm.....just a little judgemental are you? I don't know why some people are always so quick to judge others. I am a recipient of "free daycare" and my parents watch my kids while dh and I work. They live very comfortably in their retirement and won't accept payment for what they do. I never asked them to watch the kids, they actually insisted that they would be the best people to watch them and they did not want my kids to go to daycare. (My parents also encouraged me to continue my career since they had placed a large investment in my college education).

My parents have a very close relationship with my children (their only grandchildren) and try to see them almost every day, even if it's just a short visit. My in-laws live next door and they also help out with the kids at times. I rarely ask, they usually volunteer because they enjoy spending time with the kids. The kids have never been watched by a paid babysitter (other than my cousin who babysat for us a couple of times and not counting preschool/school).

Family is extremely important to dh and I, and we live where we do because both of our families are close by. My children's grandparents have chosen to be active in my kids lives, and dh and I both grew up in a similar fashion. I hope one day that I have the opportunity to watch and spend a lot of time with my grandchildren.

Just be careful when you judge others....what's right for one family may be totally different for another.

I'm a SAHM, but my parents live here in town, and see my kids almost every day. They also transport them to many of their activities, or take them to their house "just because." My IL's live an hour away, and see the kids about every month (dd8 just figured out the contact list on the phone, and called them on her own). My kids adore their grandparents, and their grandparents adore them. DH was almost transferred to NC (we could've bought a home IN CASH!), but he scrambled to be able to stay here, because of the grandparents. When I was growing up, one set of grandparents was 2 blocks away, the other 20 minutes away. I am so grateful for the relationships I had with them. I can't wait for grandkids!

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I totally agree and dh and I have both seen it with our respective sisters. First, it was my sister who had my mom watch her kids 5 days a week FOR FREE while she worked. It drove me crazy b/c in addition to not paying, my mom got the kids their food and snacks and diapers. It just recently stopped this year when my sis decided to become a SAHM (and eldest went into kindergarten this year), but that was about 5 years of sis and hubby saving about $12,000 a year and more once three year old came along. Did mom get any sort of thank you gift or ANYTHING? nope.

Now recently, my husband's 33 year old sister, ie, old enough to know better, got knocked up so decided to move back home and her parents watch her kid for free while she works. Once again, just expected, no thanks.

We live out of town of both so we're on our own with day care, etc. Honestly though, I think we still would have done daycare bc I really see how good it has been for our son's social skills etc, plus I think my mom let the kids watch WAY too much tv. But if we had used our parents in any form, I would not have expected it to be free. It's hard work to take care of little ones, especially at the age they are, KWIM?

The worst part, however, is I really feel our son is getting the shaft. Everything is about the kids they see constantly. That's the part that upsets me the most.

Sorry to rant and rave on your thread - you just hit a hot topic for me that we are currently dealing with.

So you and your dh have made the decision to live away from your family and now you are jealous because your parents aren't as close to your child as they are to the grandchildren they see often? Did I understand this correctly?

Do you know that your dsis never offered to pay your mom for her help? Has your mom complained that your siblings are taking advantage? If it doesn't bother your in-laws/parents, then why does it bother you?

 

[RadioFanatic]

So you and your dh have made the decision to live away from your family and now you are jealous because your parents aren't as close to your child as they are to the grandchildren they see often? Did I understand this correctly?

Do you know that your dsis never offered to pay your mom for her help? Has your mom complained that your siblings are taking advantage? If it doesn't bother your in-laws/parents, then why does it bother you?

No, we did not make the decision, that is where the work was. Does it bother me? Yes. Do I wish I could change it? Yes, but with the economy the way it is and the specialized fields dh and I are in, it's not something we can change although we have tried on numerous occasions over the years. Part of the issue, however, is that one set of parents was going to move to us to be closer to DS; however, the dsis got pregnant and needed to move in with them and get day care. Now we hardly ever see them b/c although they can stay free with us, they can't travel b/c of watching child. When we travel to them, we have to incur the expense of a hotel b/c they don't have room anymore. so we try to go once every couple of months but we can't go more b/c it adds up. The other set does come often which we appreciate.

I do know dsis never offered to pay; and although that wasn't an issue with my mother, the lack of thank you's and the expectation of it did bother her. I agree she should have addressed it but didn't. I guess it bothers me b/c it is just a continuation of the history with my DSis of expecting things and usually getting them while I had to fight for everything. Did I write about all of that here? No b/c I already was venting enough.

I probably shouldn't have said anything and I apologize if I offended anyone.