More and more people expecting grandparents to watch kids?

[MollyAnna]

My SIL is the same way - my MIL and FIL have my niece and nephew all the time and she really prefers it that way. She just doesn't want to take care of them. She "wasn't able to take off work" to take my niece to preschool screening or attend my nephew's kindergarten graduation, but she had no problem taking time off the morning after she went to a concert because she was tired or for the two separate week-long vacations she went on with her boyfriend. Of course, I blame my in-laws for all of this because she has always had everything handed to her and they do nothing but make excuses about why she acts the way she does. Some day these little children will realize that she is never there at the important moments (or most of the ordinary moments, either). I feel really bad for them. They both prefer to be at our home playing with our children, eating meals with us, and staying the night. They know there is a big difference between their home and ours. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking grandparents to watch their grandchildren occasionally; most grandparents relish time with them. But when it is day in, day out just because parents don't feel like parenting, then it becomes a problem.

 

[locolala]

Question on this topic.. what do you folks think about grandparents taking the grandkids for the summer? DH's parents used to send him and his little brother to Texas for about 2 months every summer. They spent the summers at their grandparent's farm, and from what I understand the grandparents loved having them there. We plan to do something similar when we have kids, although it might be a little more interesting as both our parents' are divorced.

 

[tartemis]

Question on this topic.. what do you folks think about grandparents taking the grandkids for the summer? DH's parents used to send him and his little brother to Texas for about 2 months every summer. They spent the summers at their grandparent's farm, and from what I understand the grandparents loved having them there. We plan to do something similar when we have kids, although it might be a little more interesting as both our parents' are divorced.

If the Grandparents genuinely want to take the kids for that long, I don't see anything necessarily wrong with it. From a parent's perspective, however, I would never want to be away from my kids for that long. Maybe 1 or 2 weeks when they are much older (and don't want to be around mom and dad anymore anyway), but not for a whole summer.

 

[mom2aredhead]

My Mom's best friend agreed to watch her grandchild because Mom and dad couldn't afford daycare. They then proceeded to have 4 more children. She is trapped into providing full time childcare for 8 or more years. She just can't say no to them. I think it's reprehensible of the kids to have children they can't afford to raise themselves while expecting that retired grandma will put her life on hold for all those years.

I couldn't agree more.

I worked with someone like that. Both parents worked while the grandmother watched the baby. Then they had another child, moved into a larger house, bought an SUV, and used the grandparents as FREE daycare 5 days/week, 9 hours/day.
Then had the NERVE to complain when the grandparents had to bring the baby to one of their own doctor's appointments or out to run an errand because they shouldn't "shlep" the baby around all over town. Mind you the baby was a toddler at this point, not a newborn. Seriously, these people have committed 45+ hours of their week to watching your kids for free - sometimes they need to go to the bank or food store!
I love my mom, but I could see definite boundary issues coming up if she was my full time babysitter. This woman I worked with complained about the grandparents having "too many opinions" about the way she was raising her kids and them not minding their own business (something I could see my mom doing), yet she continued to use them for free babysitting.

Personally, my parents have watched my son overnight only a handful of times (he's 5.5) for a special occasion - like if we had a wedding to attend and would be home late or were staying over, or if I knew we were going to be out late like when we went to a Broadway show and dinner for our anniversary. They prefer to watch him at their house, so having them babysit means I am packing him up, driving 45 minutes to deliver him there, and picking him up to bring him home. (Yes, they drive - don't ask)
I pride myself on being independent and self sufficient, and just could never picture myself taking advantage of my parents or in-laws like that.

 

[NiftyJ88]

My MIL watches DD everyday while DH and I are working. We don't pay childcare, and they are more than happy to watch her. We do, however, help out around the house and take care of things like that for them. Otherwise, she is always with us. She has never stayed with a babysitter, and we only ask the grandparents to babysit otherwise when we are working. We visit frequently as well so they don't only see grandparents for "babysitting".
My sister, on the other hand, has her 2 kids in daycare all day, and has a weekly date. They even dropped their kids off while they went to a picnic the other weekend (there was all sorts of stuff that the kids could have done....like a moonbounce). It frustrates me that she doesn't want to do anything with her kids. We even offered to take them to Sesame Place (at no cost to them), and she didn't want to. Apparently, it's too much trouble to be with her kids all day.
I WANT to spend time with my DD. I'm with her whenever I can be (and starting next week...I'll be with her full time for the summer!!!), and I don't see how parents can leave their kids so they can have "alone" time every week. To me, you give some of that stuff up when you have kids.

 

[Stellapedia]

My nephew won't even talk to/around his mother. Grandma only. I really wish she would just take the kid and raise him.

If grandparents want to do it, genuinely want to, that is totally different. Like I said, my dad would be depressed as all get out if he didn't get boy1 those days. He pines for him. He wants him there.

My cousin's MIL watches their daughter every day. She's never been in daycare. They pay MIL $150/week plus all expenses, which is, I think, very fair and reasonable. C is with grandma, grandma is with C, no one worries. Grandma just adopted an almost 2 year old (she's in her early fifties with 2 grown sons!) and now has 2 kids and it's wearing on her, but she still insists she likes it.

 

[brockash]

Is it just me or are there more and more people having kids and then expecting the grandparents to watch them all the time so they can go have fun? I am 34 and have one 5 year old son. Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that if I chose to have a kid, then it is my responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. That you give up your free and fun time to be a parent.

I have three nieces that are 30, 25 and 25 that have kids and my brothers and sisters (their g-parents) are watching those kids CONTANTLY. 2 of my nieces drop their kids off at their g-parents every single weekend for the whole weekend because they need breaks. What? My one niece probably watches her kid 3 nights a week at most and the other nights he is being watched by his grandpa or his aunts (my sister) because she needs a break.

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter! Maybe I just don't understand this at all but is with the need for "breaks" several times a week?

I must admit that my sister (my sons godmother) has watched my son for 5-7 days for the last couple of years so that DH and I could go on vacation alone. We appreciated that more than anyone will ever know. But we are expecting #2 and she told me that this last vacation we went on would be our last because she does not want to watch 2 kids. I totally get that and respect that it would be a lot of work. All of the times she has watched him she offered first, I did not ask her.

So is it just me or are things really changing in the way people parent these days?

Kristine

I'm thinking it has more to do with your family dynamics. I'm a little confused in what you're asking, because to me the scenarios you're giving are very different. The first scenario with your cousins, it sounds like they're not really even raising their own kids, if their kids are always at a grandparents house. The scenario with you and your DH going out every now and then, seems a lot like my DH and myself, and on those nights, yes my mom has always watched them. Honestly, if it wasn't someone I knew very very very well and trusted as much, than I wouldn't go, so for me "hiring" a babysitter isn't going to happen, but on the other hand my mom volunteers to watch them all the time and really does love having them (and giving them back) I don't know I watch my sisters kiddo often and she'll watch mine if needed as well. None of us in my immediate family have a problem with it, so for us it's not a big deal, but yes our family often watches eachothers children.

 

[tloveswdw]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

 

[RMulieri]

Don't know since my inlaws and my parents live like 3 hrs from here.Most of the parents I know don't dump their kids with the grandparents either

 

[3Minnies1Mickey]

I really hate to ask my parents and ILs to watch the kids. All for different reasons though:

My dad: He only likes to be involved if it is on HIS schedule. He lives 5 minutes away from me and has only seen my 5 month old son about 5 or 6 times. I can't go to his house because he has a cat that I'm severely allergic to. I can't even sit down if I stop by for a minute. He complains that he hasn't seen them in awhile, but never comes over or calls. Also, he has a cabin at the beach which is about 2 hours away. They go at least twice a month for the weekend. At the end of June is my 2 ODDs dance recital. I sent him the dates back in January. He planned a week long trip to HIS cabin and is leaving the day of the recitals. One performance is at noon on that Saturday and he can't wait until the afternoon to travel. "He would change is plans if he could" Yeah right! I just don't expect him to show up anymore. BTW, he's also gone for the weekend and missed his granddaughter's birthday party on more than one occasion.

My mom: She will watch them when I ask, but her health makes it more difficult. She will watch them once or twice a year for a wedding or something like that.

My ILs: My SILs pawn off their children on them a lot, so I hate to even ask. If it is for a school event (my own or one of the kids) then I will ask my FIL that is retired, but only then. DHs older sister visits for the weekend (lives 2 hrs away) so someone else can wait on her kids, sometimes calling when shes only 30 minutes away. My ILs get the 4 kids for at least a week in the summer because there is a couple of weeks between when they get out of school and when their summer program starts. My other SIL is over 4+ nights a week for dinner with her 2.

 

[grace&philipsmom]

I totally agree. My MIL only leaves in this area for 6 months of the year, and that whole time is spent caring for my 2 nephews. It really irritates me because we can't even invite Grandma over for dinner without my 2 nephews having to come along! My SIL is too important to have to spend time caring for her own children and complains about having no time for herself!

 

[mdsouth]

Is it just me or are there more and more people having kids and then expecting the grandparents to watch them all the time so they can go have fun? I am 34 and have one 5 year old son. Growing up my mom always drilled it into my head that if I chose to have a kid, then it is my responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. That you give up your free and fun time to be a parent.

I have three nieces that are 30, 25 and 25 that have kids and my brothers and sisters (their g-parents) are watching those kids CONTANTLY. 2 of my nieces drop their kids off at their g-parents every single weekend for the whole weekend because they need breaks. What? My one niece probably watches her kid 3 nights a week at most and the other nights he is being watched by his grandpa or his aunts (my sister) because she needs a break.

On occasion I will ask my parents if they will watch my son if I have an appointment that I cannot bring him to or something like that. But I don't think I have ever asked if they could watch him so that DH and I could go out. If we want to go out, we hire a babysitter! Maybe I just don't understand this at all but is with the need for "breaks" several times a week?

I must admit that my sister (my sons godmother) has watched my son for 5-7 days for the last couple of years so that DH and I could go on vacation alone. We appreciated that more than anyone will ever know. But we are expecting #2 and she told me that this last vacation we went on would be our last because she does not want to watch 2 kids. I totally get that and respect that it would be a lot of work. All of the times she has watched him she offered first, I did not ask her.

So is it just me or are things really changing in the way people parent these days?

Kristine

I have to agree with you. There are just some people that think their own personal needs (need for downtime, hanging out with friends, running errands without the burden of taking kids, etc) are more important than others. So, yes, I think these people do take advantage of others, especially their own parents. So many posters here have made excuses for why they do it, but they still do it! I mean really, don't they think their own parents deserve some the same downtime? Yes, these grandparents love their grandkids and enjoy spending time with them. But that does not mean that they want to be taken advantage of.

For those using your grandparents as a daycare service, or as a regular babysitter, no matter your reasons, you are most likely taking advantage of them unless you are paying them the going rate that a regular daycare provider would. Think about it, you are probably exhausted after a long day at work, or exhausted after being with the kids 24/7 one to two days a week. Now, think about doing this five days a week or more with little to no monetary payment. Most grandparents, want to help and are willing to watch the grandkids periodically, but many watch your kids out of obligation (not necessarily because they really want to do it on a full-time basis).

My mother watched my sister's kids, then after they went on to school she did if for my brother too. She often shared with me how much she loves the kids and how much she wants to help but often felt overwhelmed or exhausted, but never told my siblings. Is this the way you want to treat your own parent? Ignoring your parent's needs, their own plans, and possible health just because it really helps you out (in various ways) to have your parents take care of your kids? Many grandparents have their own plans with friends, etc that they give up without telling you - just to take care of your kids.

 

[DisneyNic]

All three of DH's brothers are horrible at this. Two of the brother's children are actually 'old enough' now that they are just left home alone all the time rolleyes:whole other thread) but the third brother's kids are still small so my MIL and FIL have them all the time. I am not talking about a night here or day there. Both MIL and FIL work full time jobs, then atleast 3 or 4 days during the week they have atleast 2 out of BIL's 5 kids while BIL sits home with his new wife and her daughter. And now, because of some things that happened with the kids while on a weekend visitation with their mother, BIL has stopped their visitation with their mother completely. So, on the weekends that the kids should be with their mother, they are now with MIL and FIL because it is not BIL's weekend to have the kids. Are you kidding me!?!?! I love DH's brothers, I really do, but sometimes I want to smack the h*!! out of them.

 

[ktlm]

Question on this topic.. what do you folks think about grandparents taking the grandkids for the summer? DH's parents used to send him and his little brother to Texas for about 2 months every summer. They spent the summers at their grandparent's farm, and from what I understand the grandparents loved having them there. We plan to do something similar when we have kids, although it might be a little more interesting as both our parents' are divorced.

If you and your kids are okay with it, I think it is fine. As for me, I could NEVER be away from DD for that long. We went to Vegas for 3 nights for a wedding and left her with my Mom and I went nuts. My Mom is always wanting to keep her overnight and I have let her do it a couple of times and I hate it- I don't like waking up and not having her there. (DD loves it.) DH's parents really want to keep her for a week sometime as they live in another state, and right now neither of us can imagine ever doing that. Once you have kids, your opinion might completley change.

 

[jodifla]

I think different families are different. And I think if grandparents don't want to watch their grandkids, they should just say no.

Lots of grandparents really LOVE spending one on one time with their grandkids. I still remember spending nights with my grandmother and my aunt....those were very special times for me.

Lots of grandparents chose to help their kids so they can go to work...or yes, even just go out for a good time!

In our case, my dad watched my DS from the time he was 6 weeks old till about 3.5 every work day. He chose to do this and it gave him a purpose. My mother had died, and he spent all day just watching TV. (My DH was also there, working from home.)

Now, my dad has passed on, but my son has all that great time with him and still remembers him.

My MIL watches DS occasionally, and has taken him overnight twice. He was SO THRILLED to go over there, pack up his suitcase, etc.

 

[jodifla]

If you and your kids are okay with it, I think it is fine. As for me, I could NEVER be away from DD for that long. We went to Vegas for 3 nights for a wedding and left her with my Mom and I went nuts. My Mom is always wanting to keep her overnight and I have let her do it a couple of times and I hate it- I don't like waking up and not having her there. (DD loves it.) DH's parents really want to keep her for a week sometime as they live in another state, and right now neither of us can imagine ever doing that. Once you have kids, your opinion might completley change.

But why is it all about you? What about what your daughter and the grandparents would like??

 

[mom2aredhead]

I have to agree with you. There are just some people that think their own personal needs (need for downtime, hanging out with friends, running errands without the burden of taking kids, etc) are more important than others. So, yes, I think these people do take advantage of others, especially their own parents. So many posters here have made excuses for why they do it, but they still do it! I mean really, don't they think their own parents deserve some the same downtime? Yes, these grandparents love their grandkids and enjoy spending time with them. But that does not mean that they want to be taken advantage of.

For those using your grandparents as a daycare service, or as a regular babysitter, no matter your reasons, you are most likely taking advantage of them unless you are paying them the going rate that a regular daycare provider would. Think about it, you are probably exhausted after a long day at work, or exhausted after being with the kids 24/7 one to two days a week. Now, think about doing this five days a week or more with little to no monetary payment. Most grandparents, want to help and are willing to watch the grandkids periodically, but many watch your kids out of obligation (not necessarily because they really want to do it on a full-time basis).

My mother watched my sister's kids, then after they went on to school she did if for my brother too. She often shared with me how much she loves the kids and how much she wants to help but often felt overwhelmed or exhausted, but never told my siblings. Is this the way you want to treat your own parent? Ignoring your parent's needs, their own plans, and possible health just because it really helps you out (in various ways) to have your parents take care of your kids? Many grandparents have their own plans with friends, etc that they give up without telling you - just to take care of your kids.

Agree 100%

Believe me, a lot of the grandparents that are "happy to do it" are not afraid to let their true feelings be known on the playground around the moms that are there.

Someone said that you have to give up some things when you have kids. Well guess what - one of the big things that you have to give up is MONEY for someone to provide quality childcare while you work. If you are using your parents for free full time daycare, regardless of the reason, you are still using your parents.
I can only hope that I raise my son to be a responsible, independent, self sufficient adult that is able to take care of his own family without me giving up my "golden years" to help him do so. Of course, he's only 5.5, so we have a long way to go.

 

[locolala]

I think DH and his brother started going when DH was about 9 or so, and his brother is 2 years younger. When I was about 12 or so my mom would drop me off at the barn and I'd spend the whole day there. Granted, there were adults there but there would be a gaggle of 10 girls around my age there. We (my brother and I) also did camps from a young age, I went to my first overnight camp in first grade. My parents never had issues with it, and thought it was good for us to get away, and they got time together alone. We were always fortunate because our grandparents lived within 10-15 minutes of where we lived, so we spent time with them all the time!

 

[jodifla]

I think it is tragic how few people raise their own children... left to grandparents, other family, or daycare.

My children have been watched three times total. For a few hours while I was busy having their sibling. That is it. My DH and I wanted these children, and want to raise them.

We have a lot of time for ourselves, it is called bedtime. And, time goes so fast.

We vacation a lot, (camp to 5 star resorts all over), swim,bike, ski ... and we love that we do it as a family.

I think it is sad how many people need 'me' time, and don't like spending time with their children.

Believe me, as a former educator and now a classroom volunteer... it is easy to see who is raising the children. And, it is sad how many children will walk right up to me, and ask me to take them home or if I have seen their mommy.

Oh, please. This is pretty over the top. It goes to the whole martyrmomdom thing.

On the flip side, I think it's tragic when parents think that it's a GOOD thing that their children don't get to spend good quality time with others.

Me, I like time with just my DH, and I won't apologize for it. And I like time with just my friends (do a girls' cruise every year) and I won't apologize for that, either.

 

[jodifla]

Agree 100%

Believe me, a lot of the grandparents that are "happy to do it" are not afraid to let their true feelings be known on the playground around the moms that are there.

Someone said that you have to give up some things when you have kids. Well guess what - one of the big things that you have to give up is MONEY for someone to provide quality childcare while you work. If you are using your parents for free full time daycare, regardless of the reason, you are still using your parents.
I can only hope that I raise my son to be a responsible, independent, self sufficient adult that is able to take care of his own family without me giving up my "golden years" to help him do so. Of course, he's only 5.5, so we have a long way to go.

Again, there are lots of different situations out there. In our case, we paid pretty much for everything for my dad -- his condo, his car, helped with medical car and groceries -- so he volunteered to watch his grandson partly to spend time with him, and partly to pay us back.