Mom's of girls, a question

[mommaU4]

Unfortunately these days some 12 yr. olds do need birth control info.! Just a sad sign of our times.

I heard a radio talk show on the other day about birth control and whether you should offer it to your kids or just keep reinforcing the message of abstinence until marriage. I don't think the abstinence thing is very realistic anymore though.

I have 3 DD's and the thought of one of them coming to me at 15 telling me she's pregnant is very scary. I will offer them whatever protection they need to make sure that doesn't happen.

 

[minkydog]

Minkydog, I absolutely respect your choices, but I have a question. Why do you feel that 5 year olds don't need to know about periods and twelve year olds don't need explicit info about birth control?? What I mean is, my five year old certainly saw me keeping and using feminine products, and she knew the basics of that function at that age. It wasn't anything I would (or could - have you ever been able to keep your girls out of the bathroom the minute you went in?? ) have kept from her. And my younger daughter will be twelve in December - and I'm sure she knows about condoms and the birth control pill. No, she doesn't "need" that information in the sense of needing to remember to take her pill (!!), but it's not something I think she should be shielded from either. If she and I are discussing puberty (which we are doing a lot these days because she is beginning to develop) why wouldn't it be the most natural thing in the world to say, "When you are old enough to begin a sexual relationship, there are ways to help you stay safe and to keep a baby from starting. These are called birth control and most women use one or more of them most of the time." That doesn't strike me as shocking or age inappropriate.

I guess I'm just curious - there seems to be a big divide between the ones of us who tell all and the ones of us weho keep it under wraps for as long as possible.

No, no, you misunderstand me. It's not that I want to keep it all under wraps, but that I don't want to give them information they don't need in the near future. Had my 5yo DD ever noticed the tampons I would certainly have shared that info with her, but she never cared. At 8 she did, and at 11 she started her period. At 12 she knows what it takes to have a baby and how that happens, sorta, but I don't think she needs to know all the details about 7 methods of birth control. It's enough to say "there are ways to plan how many babies you have and when." I'm not shielding her from that information, it's just not useful to her right now. I answer her questions and sometimes bring up things if I see something on TV that seems to strike a spark with her. I did the same thing with my DS19 and when he left home he was prepared(if ya know what i mean)

 

[coolmom99]

I've been open with my DD about a lot of things, but we didn't discuss periods too early on because I didn't want to burden her with information that she wouldn't need for many years. Then it happened! We were in the kitchen. She was 8 and she said, "Mom, remember when we were in DisneyWorld last year and I bumped down here and it bled a little?" I told her that I remembered. She said, "well I don't think it healed yet." She showed me and I sat her down at the kitchen table and told her that I was about to tell her a secret about being a girl that I didn't think I'd have to tell her yet. I told her that it would be the biggest nuisence in her life for many years to com. We talked and laughed and she was amazed at how many women already knew this secret. She hasn't gotten it since and she's 9.5 now, but she's prepared with pads in her bedroom just in case she needs them.

Have you taken her to a doctor? It sounds odd that she would get it so young and only get it once.

 

[malibuconlee]

As an early bloomer (age 10 5th grade, and I know a girl who was in 4th grade) I suggest discussing this no later than age 9.

My friends were fascinated. My aunt and grandmother were in shock.

We had a talk with the nurse at school around that same time (can't remember if it was before or after).

 

[Iott Family]

As a mother of a 9yr old DD I totally understand and agree with most of what you all are saying.

In this house we make it clear that no subject is taboo. If my kids are going to ask questions or have curiosities I would rather they come to us for the facts and we can also use that time to instill our values. In todays world we have to be armed with the facts for our children.

We, too, have the book " The Care and Keeping of You" but might I suggest a few more titles for our DD's aged 7-11? "The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions" Because my DD has days when her feelings are crazy inside and she is mad,sad and confused to be so...why not help prepare and show understanding for those emotional outbursts? The Period Book was another good source and easy reference. Ready, Set, Grow by Lynda Madaras....this is excellent! We have all four books on hand and if you use Amazon you get free shipping right now on orders of $25 or more.

I just truly believe that as mothers of daughters we owe it to them to send them out into their peer groups and the world armed with knowledge, confidence and self assurance.

As for birth control. Yes, discuss it. Teach her that she is in control and responsible for her body. Show her a condom, show her how to use a condom, give her access to protection when she starts going out on unsupervised dating.

 

[DVCLiz]

Thanks, minkydog, for the clarification - sounds like you are dealing with this is a great way for your family!!! My older daughter has probably been a source of some info for her younger sister, so she knows a good bit more (has seen a condom, for example, because older sister brought some home from a meeting of a service organization she belongs to that deals with teens and AIDS prevention) but you are right, I wouldn't necessarily have a show and tell of all the methods either!!!! As long as girls aren't made to feel that anything about their bodies is shameful or secret, I think parents certainly have the right to tell their children what they want, when they want.

And I'm LOL because my daughter and another girl filled their friend in on the birds and the bees long before the mom was ready to divulge. She wanted to keep all of that information away from her daugther until at least middle school, and it honestly never occurred to her that other children might know and tell. "So and So didn't even know how babies are made" dd said one day in THIRD GRADE, "so we filled her in on the playground." !!!! That poor mom - guess she had some 'splainin' to do that night!!!! That's another reason I told my girls so much so early - I wanted to make sure I was presenting my point of view and my facts, not a third grader's version!!!

 

[JVL1018]

I've never shyed away from a frank discussion with my kids, whether it's about sex, religion or racial issues. Nothing is off-limits. You just don't want to give too much info too soon--a 5yo doesn't need to know about periods and a 12yo doesn't need explicit info about birth control (i hope ) stuff!")[/I]

I agree a 5 year old doesn't NEED to know about periods..but she doesn't NOT need to know either.
I never sat my 5 year old down and said we need to have a talk about menstruation.
If she didn't ask I would not have brought it up.
It just comes up naturally-she sees tampons and says what are these--"grown up girls use them for when they get their periods"
If I need to have some privacy in the bathroom during that time, I tell her why.
Shes very nonchalant about it because I am, it is no big deal and I am not going to act like it is. To me it's no bigger of a deal than when she asks me why I shave my legs, honestly.

 

[PatsGirl]

Another vote for the Care and Keeping of You. We keep this book on my bedside table for mom/dau chats and have pretty much read and reread the entire thing a few times. My DD got this book when she turned 8 and seemed to be perfect timing. It discusses simple things like showering and shaving, etc. and proceeds into bras and body shapes and I think the most explicit information is about periods and products. On another thread yesterday someone mentioned they thought it was too explicit in the "animations" about inserting tampons but like i said earlier, for us, age 8 is perfect.

Now, for the birds and the bees, I'm not sure I'm really ready for her to get the whole picture. If she asks, I'll tell but I'm not divulging what she isn't interested in, not yet anyways.

Brenda

 

[PatsGirl]

Here's funny, DD was standing behind me when I just posted and now is adamant that I tell her what the birds and bees means, so much for timing, huh

So, here goes... Maybe I'll just indulge her fantasy of if you lay on top of each other and are laughing/having fun, you have had sex... maybe not

 

[coolmom99]

And I'm LOL because my daughter and another girl filled their friend in on the birds and the bees long before the mom was ready to divulge. She wanted to keep all of that information away from her daugther until at least middle school, and it honestly never occurred to her that other children might know and tell. "So and So didn't even know how babies are made" dd said one day in THIRD GRADE, "so we filled her in on the playground." !!!! That poor mom - guess she had some 'splainin' to do that night!!!! That's another reason I told my girls so much so early - I wanted to make sure I was presenting my point of view and my facts, not a third grader's version!!!

I cannot believe that you think this is funny. It was up to this mother to decide when she wanted to discuss this with her daughter and your daughter had no business telling her. Your daughter was obviously not mature enough to be told because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. If your daughter really said "So and So didn't even know how babies are made so we filled her in on the playground" then she's nothing but a snotty little brat. I would be furious if I were this mother. I'm sure that plenty of you will flame me for my response but I couldn't care less. Parents with attitudes like this make me angry. This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

 

[Tina]

This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

Personally, I think waiting until middle school is irresponsible. Do you know how many young girls get pregnant because they didn't know they could?

I think you are out of line to call this child a snotty little brat. Kids are kids. They're going to talk, maturity or not.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I cannot believe that you think this is funny. It was up to this mother to decide when she wanted to discuss this with her daughter and your daughter had no business telling her. Your daughter was obviously not mature enough to be told because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. If your daughter really said "So and So didn't even know how babies are made so we filled her in on the playground" then she's nothing but a snotty little brat. I would be furious if I were this mother. I'm sure that plenty of you will flame me for my response but I couldn't care less. Parents with attitudes like this make me angry. This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

Wow, what a reaction. The point is you can try to shelter your child, but they are going to get info from other people, unless you keep them in a bubble. Not telling children about it doesn't keep them from learning about it. If you want your child to know your view on something be sure to give it to them.

Is is not like this mother told her DD to tell this other girl.

Things happen on playgrounds. She shold be happy if this is the extent of it.

Many of the posts I have seen from you are very fly of the handle. Relax some, it is a Disney message board.

 

[aprilgail2]

My daughter follows my in the bathroom all the time...she knows all about periods and how she will get one when she is older and how I got it in 5th grade etc...she knows about a birth control pill that keeps you from getting pregnant since she watches me take a pill every night and asked what it was for and I told her. I don't believe in hiding facts of life things from her...its harder to sit them down and tell them this stuff at 9 eyars old and it be a shock to them rather than them growing up with it all the time thinking its part of a normal every day thing and no big deal. She has no idea HOW you get pregnant yet other than "it starts wit ha special cuddle" which is what her book begins with. She asked me about how babies grow in the tummy and I only wanted the part where they are growing, not exactly how they got IN there...and I found a book that started with the special cuddle so it was prefect! She knows how they come OUT but not how they get IN!

 

[phillybeth]

I cannot believe that you think this is funny. It was up to this mother to decide when she wanted to discuss this with her daughter and your daughter had no business telling her. Your daughter was obviously not mature enough to be told because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. If your daughter really said "So and So didn't even know how babies are made so we filled her in on the playground" then she's nothing but a snotty little brat. I would be furious if I were this mother. I'm sure that plenty of you will flame me for my response but I couldn't care less. Parents with attitudes like this make me angry. This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

No, irresponsible parenting is a 9 YO not knowing how babies are made.

How can you protect your kids from sexual predators if they don't even know the basics? I'm not talking explicit details, but they should know sperm and egg, correct terms for male and female genitalia, babies grow inside moms, and grown-ups do things that kids don't, and grown-ups should NEVER do those things to kids.

 

[Marseeya]

I cannot believe that you think this is funny. It was up to this mother to decide when she wanted to discuss this with her daughter and your daughter had no business telling her. Your daughter was obviously not mature enough to be told because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. If your daughter really said "So and So didn't even know how babies are made so we filled her in on the playground" then she's nothing but a snotty little brat. I would be furious if I were this mother. I'm sure that plenty of you will flame me for my response but I couldn't care less. Parents with attitudes like this make me angry. This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

Oh PUHleeze! If your children need to be THAT sheltered, then why are they even in a public school?

I agree with the poster who said that it's irresponsible parenting to wait that long to have "the talk."

And talk about mature. How mature are you calling this parent's child a "snotty little brat." Real easy to do on a message board, isn't it? Right, attack someone's children. Lovely.

 

[mommaU4]

I cannot believe that you think this is funny. It was up to this mother to decide when she wanted to discuss this with her daughter and your daughter had no business telling her. Your daughter was obviously not mature enough to be told because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. If your daughter really said "So and So didn't even know how babies are made so we filled her in on the playground" then she's nothing but a snotty little brat. I would be furious if I were this mother. I'm sure that plenty of you will flame me for my response but I couldn't care less. Parents with attitudes like this make me angry. This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

As I said in an earlier post, when I had my talk with my DS I made sure he knew not to discuss it with other children because it was something that most parents want to be the ones to explain it to them. He understood that and never has.

Perhaps this other mother should have told her DD the same thing, but hindsight is always 20/20 and I'm sure she didn't think her DD was going to go tell another child.

But, angry or not, for you to use such harsh phrases as "couldn't keep her big mouth shut" and "snotty little brat" are way out of line and don't serve any purpose other than to be hurtful.

You're entitled to your opinion and should never be flamed for thinking a certain way, however your choice of words seems "irresponsible" to me and you could have been nicer while still emphasizing your point.

 

[DisneyPhD]

As I said in an earlier post, when I had my talk with my DS I made sure he knew not to discuss it with other children because it was something that most parents want to be the ones to explain it to them. He understood that and never has.

Perhaps this other mother should have told her DD the same thing, but hindsight is always 20/20 and I'm sure she didn't think her DD was going to go tell another child.

But, angry or not, for you to use such harsh phrases as "couldn't keep her big mouth shut" and "snotty little brat" are way out of line and don't serve any purpose other than to be hurtful.

You're entitled to your opinion and should never be flamed for thinking a certain way, however your choice of words seems "irresponsible" to me and you could have been nicer while still emphasizing your point.

Very well said. I totally agree.

 

[Rex Rules]

DD is nearly 11 and we have talked many times about the body and development, puberty, having her period, etc. I had to figure out these things on my own and it was horrifying. I thought I was dying the day I got my period. I don't ever want DD to feel so in the dark like I did.
We haven't discussed the mechanics of having babies yet. I did ask her if she was ready to talk about that and she said no, I don't think I am ready to talk about that yet. I said, well, when you are ready, please let me know. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, it is a natural part of life and I would rather you learn about it from me than hearing about it from other kids (usually misconceptions anyhow). It won't be comfortable for me, but I just don't want her to feel like an idiot like I did when I was younger.
I also have a book.

 

[aprilgail2]

I had to figure out these things on my own and it was horrifying. I thought I was dying the day I got my period. I don't ever want DD to feel so in the dark like I did.
but I just don't want her to feel like an idiot like I did when I was younger.
I also have a book.

When I was in 5th grade I had a boys bicycle and I fell off the seat and hit the bar...came in the house and saw blood...I thought I had hurt myself with the fall..I changed and went on with my playing..came in again and again blood, changed again...went about my business..third time I go to the bathroom I yell "MOMMMMMMMMMM somethings wrong with me!!".....I thought I had done some damage and I had to go to the hospital!! To this day I wonder why in the world she let me go to 5th grade not knowing about periods since she knew it must be coming soon!!! As far as babies and sex...I picked that all up in the street, school bus and playground!!!!
When my god daughter was in 3rf grade there were 2 girls in the class that already had their periods..their moms said they were shocked and hadn't even had the "talk" with them prior to that! It comes early now, can't wait to long to talk!!

 

[DVCLiz]

I cannot believe that you think this is funny. It was up to this mother to decide when she wanted to discuss this with her daughter and your daughter had no business telling her. Your daughter was obviously not mature enough to be told because she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. If your daughter really said "So and So didn't even know how babies are made so we filled her in on the playground" then she's nothing but a snotty little brat. I would be furious if I were this mother. I'm sure that plenty of you will flame me for my response but I couldn't care less. Parents with attitudes like this make me angry. This is a perfect example of irresponsible parenting.

That's all I have to say...