Mom needs care-where do I start?

[CTdiznymom]

Long story short....

Mom is 88 years old. Lives alone. Starting to show memory loss. Mobility is poor. Recently admitted to hospital and now being discharged to nursing facility for rehab to get her walking. Hospital has given us less than 24 hrs. to choose a place to send her. GEEZ. We haven't had time to breath let alone make a decision like that. Her goal is to go back home(of course) She's not very receptive to change, and having a stranger sleep in the house scares me as much as it does her! Where do I begin? Anyone have experience getting 24/7 in house elder care? Roughly how much will this cost? I have 2 other sisters that I also have to "deal" with. We all live close which is part of the problem-too many opinions!
Feeling overwhelmed

 

[HM]

Find a social worker at the hospital to help you with options?

Sorry for the trouble this will be for all of you. Hope your mom does ok in rehab!

 

[Tinker Pam]

I know this can be very scary.
I work at an Inpatient Acute Rehab hospital so I deal with this daily.
First start with the case manager at the hospital, they will have a list of facilites and homecare agencies in your area. Find the ones you are interested in and Google them, find out what ratings they have and if they are in trouble with the State, then go to the ones you are interested in- do not call first- just show up. If they know you are coming they have time to hide what they don't want you to see. Don't be fooled by a pretty face -nice new buildings may look nice on the outside but the care there may not be as good as the one that has a few wrinkles and cracks.
Home care can be very expensive, especially if she needs care and not just compaionship. In my area the cost per hour for a companion starts at $18.00 per hour with a 4 hour minimum which will add up fast.
Ask around, sometimes the nursing assistants/patient care providers (what ever they may be called in your area) will moonlight for extra money and will charge much less then the agencies.
Also make sure what type of health insurace she has:
Is she traditional Medicare? if she is listed as observation status and not inpatient then Medicare will not cover the Skilled nursing facility stay.
Does she have a Managed Care or Replacement policy- this will need to be precerted by the facility.
Does she have a supplement- this will often cover what Medicare will not.

Also once she is done with therapy, try looking into an Assisted Living facility- often they can furnish the place with their own items from home but have the security of someone checking on them frequently and helping with the things that they need help with.
Sorry if I over whelmed you with info.
Good Luck

 

[akcire]

Long story short....

Mom is 88 years old. Lives alone. Starting to show memory loss. Mobility is poor. Recently admitted to hospital and now being discharged to nursing facility for rehab to get her walking. Hospital has given us less than 24 hrs. to choose a place to send her. GEEZ. We haven't had time to breath let alone make a decision like that. Her goal is to go back home(of course) She's not very receptive to change, and having a stranger sleep in the house scares me as much as it does her! Where do I begin? Anyone have experience getting 24/7 in house elder care? Roughly how much will this cost? I have 2 other sisters that I also have to "deal" with. We all live close which is part of the problem-too many opinions!
Feeling overwhelmed

I have done this twice.

First find a nursing home for her to be discharged to that has a rehabilitation focus. Then visit multiple. Figure out what days she will have what therapy. They all "talk" a good game, but if your mom is supposed to have theraphy 5 days a week and they only have one part time OT....you get the idea. Also ask about food, and ask the other residents. Find the best place you can.

Once she is ready to be discharged from rehabilitation you can use an agency or do it yourself. I would suggest rather than looking for 24/7 care you and your sister set up a schedule for someone to sleep with mom every night. (This is also a good time to look at older grandkids to take a shift). It would also be best if you can cover the weekends. Finding someone to stay with her during the week days, do errands, etc will be much easier than finding 24/7 care.

Final word of caution. The last time we looked for someone, my husband and I agreed on the best candidate. We advised we were giong to do a background check. He consented and filled out the form. We were shocked when it came back. He had been released from prison in the next state less than 3 months earlier after being convicted of Elder Abuse. Out of curiousity my husband called him to ask why he consented to the background check if he was a convicted felon. He told my husband that most people only check their state and not all 50 (it was a little more expensive). My free advise for the day, if you do a back ground check do all 50 states. I would try and find someone your mom already knows neighbor, church, etc and pay them.

Expect to pay a minimum of $10 an hour during the weekdays. If you really want 24/7 I think it is $200 per day weekday and $250 weekend--so $1500 a week.

Also now that mom has had a setback, but is presumably able to make decisions I would make certain ALL her legal documents are in order.

 

[mantaz]

They have given you great advice, but I wanted to share that we currently have home care for my mom. She was involved in a car accident June 2011. She was rearended by a semi. She is now on permanent oxygen and needs 24 hr care. My sister tried to keep her at her house and that lasted about 2 weeks for she code blued because she fell. After getting her back out of the hospital, rehab and more rehab, we brought her home to her house in Jan 2012. It has been the best decision. She has a care giver with her 24hrs a day/ 7 days a week. While it is expensive, it is not something we could do. Sure we go check on her and visit but knowing someone is there taking care of her is very easy on the mind. But if you do decide to go this route, take all valuables out of the house. We did have one care giver that stole my mom's kindle and minx wrap. We knew who did it and had her taken off the list. We have since released that company due to a lack of premiere care we were supposed to get. But we do have the same care givers that we do approve of as they didn't care for the other company. I wish you the best of luck as this is a very hard decision.

 

[njmom47]

We went through this in 2010 with my mom. First she was in and out of the hospital and nursing home (when you almost hit your allotted days, they ship you back to the other place.) Her nursing home was good...we did show up at random times and she liked the caregivers/nurses, so we may have just been lucky. She ended up getting somewhat better so that 24/7 home care was all she needed for a bit till she was able to care for herself again. She went through an agency, and she said the first caregiver was ok but not pro-active. The 2nd one she liked much better (companionship) and did more for my mom.
I think there is good advice given by PPs.

 

[OrangeCountyCommuter]

SHe needs to go to rehab first. Sorry I know you don't like it, but...

Here's a website that can help you review. The hospital should have given you a list of providers in your area.

Personally since they have only given you 24 hours notice I have some concerns about the case management at your hospital so if you have issues getting her in where you want let them know they dropped the ball NOT you!

http://www.medicare.gov/NursingHomeCompare/search.aspx?bhcp=1

 

[CTdiznymom]

Thank you all for the excellent advise.

We managed (after a lot of squawking) to keep her in the hospital today while my sister dropped in on a nursing rehab facility that we would like her to go to. The case worker at the hospital was not happy. She expected us to give her the names of 6 facilities we would like her to try to get mom into in less than 24 hrs. of getting the list! This am she wanted to know what we decided! REALLY? We barely had time to talk about it. Luckily the MD walked in and we talked him into letting her stay one more day. So hopefully mom gets into our first choice as it's 5 min. from all our homes.

Because walking/standing is an issue, she needs someone to assist her to the bathroom, bathing and fix meals. We tried to take shifts the last time she had an issue and it lasted 2 weeks and then we were ready to kill each other. All our families suffered, as we were all sleep deprived. I really don't think grandchildren should shoulder such a big responsibility. Heaven forbid something should happen to Gram on their watch.

I would love to admit her permanently to a facility but I'm getting A LOT of opposition.

It definately is hard being your parent's parent.

Thank you all.

 

[ICan'tWait]

I'm not sure of cost, etc. But you could locate someone from this agency that could help organize things and would know the best homes in the area, etc.

http://www.caremanager.org/

 

[momof1princess]

Thank you all for the excellent advise.

We managed (after a lot of squawking) to keep her in the hospital today while my sister dropped in on a nursing rehab facility that we would like her to go to. The case worker at the hospital was not happy. She expected us to give her the names of 6 facilities we would like her to try to get mom into in less than 24 hrs. of getting the list! This am she wanted to know what we decided! REALLY? We barely had time to talk about it. Luckily the MD walked in and we talked him into letting her stay one more day. So hopefully mom gets into our first choice as it's 5 min. from all our homes.

Because walking/standing is an issue, she needs someone to assist her to the bathroom, bathing and fix meals. We tried to take shifts the last time she had an issue and it lasted 2 weeks and then we were ready to kill each other. All our families suffered, as we were all sleep deprived. I really don't think grandchildren should shoulder such a big responsibility. Heaven forbid something should happen to Gram on their watch.

I would love to admit her permanently to a facility but I'm getting A LOT of opposition.

It definately is hard being your parent's parent.

Thank you all.

OP, i have little advice to give, but just wanted to give you this: we're dealing with a similar situation with my mom. she has munchausen syndrome, meaning she injures herself for attention, and this time was a real doozy - 3 weeks ago, she "fell" and broke both of her left forearm bones, and dislocated her elbow. spent over 2 weeks in the hospital after surgery, and is now in a nursing care facility with rehab. she's very unsteady on her feet, says she'll get up and her legs "just aren't there". of course, it's all in her head, and we're not quite sure what to do about her situation once rehab is over (about 10 days from now). it's SO hard when the time comes for us to parent our parents.

 

[akcire]

Thank you all for the excellent advise.

We managed (after a lot of squawking) to keep her in the hospital today while my sister dropped in on a nursing rehab facility that we would like her to go to. The case worker at the hospital was not happy. She expected us to give her the names of 6 facilities we would like her to try to get mom into in less than 24 hrs. of getting the list! This am she wanted to know what we decided! REALLY? We barely had time to talk about it. Luckily the MD walked in and we talked him into letting her stay one more day. So hopefully mom gets into our first choice as it's 5 min. from all our homes.

Because walking/standing is an issue, she needs someone to assist her to the bathroom, bathing and fix meals. We tried to take shifts the last time she had an issue and it lasted 2 weeks and then we were ready to kill each other. All our families suffered, as we were all sleep deprived. I really don't think grandchildren should shoulder such a big responsibility. Heaven forbid something should happen to Gram on their watch.

I would love to admit her permanently to a facility but I'm getting A LOT of opposition.

It definately is hard being your parent's parent.

Thank you all.

Not sure how old the grand kids are in your family, but you would probably be suprised. When my MIL died my husband and I got Grandma. We were 22 or 23. We had her in OUR home for 5 years (she was 95 when she moved in). During those 5 years we got little to no help from my MIL generation of family (however upon her death they were the first to call an inquire about assets). Instead all the help we got with Grandma came from either my husband's teenaged sisters (errands, etc), our own friends, and occassionally respite caregivers. There was also a teenage neighbor 14 or 15 who would comeover once a week and talk to her. For 2 years I introduced this girl to grandma each time she came over (I honestly think that was why the girl came, it was a bit of a novelty--think "who are you and why am I here?" 200 times a day).

We also signed her up for meals on wheels (in her world she got 3 hot meals a day) to give ourselves break. Most days she would eat it, some days it was not so good and we would toss it. It just gave us more options, as we found food was a very important part of her day going well. (The woman was 90 lbs. The food needed to be familiar to her for consistency. I used to put coffee in a 20 year old glass Maxwell House container, because the consistency was important).

While no one may 'want' to deal with this it is a part of life. We kept her in our home becuase 8 years ago in our area nursing homes with memory care ran between 8-10 thousand a month and they wanted us to sign a personal guarantee (we didn't have it then). The nursing homes willing to take grandma with her medicare were horrible.

You will know more in the coming weeks. It will become quickly apparent if she will be able to go back to her home and what type of care she will need.

If going home is not an option, sell all her assets and put her in the very best facility you can find. Do not let any family members try and convience you to save her assets and put her in a lower quality home.

As my husband's grandma used to say "getting old sucks"!

Feel free to PM if you have any additional questions.

 

[OrangeCountyCommuter]

Thank you all for the excellent advise.

We managed (after a lot of squawking) to keep her in the hospital today while my sister dropped in on a nursing rehab facility that we would like her to go to. The case worker at the hospital was not happy. She expected us to give her the names of 6 facilities we would like her to try to get mom into in less than 24 hrs. of getting the list! This am she wanted to know what we decided! REALLY? We barely had time to talk about it. Luckily the MD walked in and we talked him into letting her stay one more day. So hopefully mom gets into our first choice as it's 5 min. from all our homes.

Because walking/standing is an issue, she needs someone to assist her to the bathroom, bathing and fix meals. We tried to take shifts the last time she had an issue and it lasted 2 weeks and then we were ready to kill each other. All our families suffered, as we were all sleep deprived. I really don't think grandchildren should shoulder such a big responsibility. Heaven forbid something should happen to Gram on their watch.

I would love to admit her permanently to a facility but I'm getting A LOT of opposition.

It definately is hard being your parent's parent.

Thank you all.

If the case worker gives you more grief ask for her boss. She dropped the ball.

The hospital gets paid X by Medicare in most cases regardless of how long she stays so THEY want to shove her out the door. I understand that, but in order to do that THEY have to work with the family and not just 'announce" she's gone tomorrow.

I have worked in both hospitals and rehab/long term care. It's a battle and I dread the day I have to make these decisions for my parents. (My mom is NOT going to be happy with a roommate for example!)

The rehab center should also have Discharge Planning. Make sure they know you want to be involved EARLY and often. It should basically start upon admission where they work with you and mom to figure out what she can realistically expect to accomplish and what you can start to expect on her return.

Good Luck!

 

[ColoradoMom!!]

When my MIL died my husband and I got Grandma. We were 22 or 23. We had her in OUR home for 5 years (she was 95 when she moved in). During those 5 years we got little to no help from my MIL generation of family.

If going home is not an option, sell all her assets and put her in the very best facility you can find.

Wow, you are my hero! Good for you. I also think this last sentence I quoted is so important. It is their money, their life. Although one needs to make sure the money will last to cover the potential length of their care (basically the length of their life), why should they not reap the benefits of their hard work and savings to make the rest of their life as best as it can be for them?

What a timely thread. I was even thinking of starting a new thread today as I sit here in my Mom's hospital room. She fell and shattered her pelvis. I have been dealing with her care and my Dad's care for about 2 1/2 years. It has been a tough journey with lots of decisions ahead.

We have had weekday in home care that has been great for about 2 years. However, I have been their care for weekday dinners and Sat. afternoons for those 2 1/2 years. It has been hard on my family at home (2 boys and hubby). I was about to tell my Dad they need to hire some more care as I really need to go back to work, and can't be there as much -then my Mom fell, and our home care gal is going to find a new job closer to her home- oh boy!

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences. Let's keep this going, share our stories and advice. OP -hang in there. Rehab turned out to be great for my Dad last spring when he fell - he was SO opposed, and ended up doing great, and in better shape than he was before his fall.

 

[Southerndisney]

We have been through this and you will not really know what kind of care she will need untill she has been in rehab awhile. You might want to familiarize yourself with the options in your area. Our aunt has gone to rehab twice and been able to move back to an independent living facility. She is 93. My FIL went to rehab and needed to move into assisted living when he was released. Another aunt went to rehab and was never able to leave the nursing home. I hope that someone has power of attorney, health and financial, for your mom. With multiple siblings you do have to negotiate what Mom wants with what is best for Mom and what Mom can afford and what each sibling is will to do or contribute. My inlaws have passed but we went though many steps. First we had someone stay with them part time in home and then they moved to an independent living facility (with some additional daily help) and then to an assisted living facility.

Good Luck

 

[momof1princess]

Wow, you are my hero! Good for you. I also think this last sentence I quoted is so important. It is their money, their life. Although one needs to make sure the money will last to cover the potential length of their care (basically the length of their life), why should they not reap the benefits of their hard work and savings to make the rest of their life as best as it can be for them?

What a timely thread. I was even thinking of starting a new thread today as I sit here in my Mom's hospital room. She fell and shattered her pelvis. I have been dealing with her care and my Dad's care for about 2 1/2 years. It has been a tough journey with lots of decisions ahead.

We have had weekday in home care that has been great for about 2 years. However, I have been their care for weekday dinners and Sat. afternoons for those 2 1/2 years. It has been hard on my family at home (2 boys and hubby). I was about to tell my Dad they need to hire some more care as I really need to go back to work, and can't be there as much -then my Mom fell, and our home care gal is going to find a new job closer to her home- oh boy!

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences. Let's keep this going, share our stories and advice. OP -hang in there. Rehab turned out to be great for my Dad last spring when he fell - he was SO opposed, and ended up doing great, and in better shape than he was before his fall.

oh, bless your heart (and i truly mean that, i'm not being condescending). i don't know what i'd do if either of my parents needed 24/7 care. my mom has at least 2 more weeks of rehab ahead, and, according to my aunt (her sister) my brother is attempting to convince mom to move to his city (he's 3 hours south of us), and, honestly, i'd LOVE for her to go! i've been shouldering the responsibility alone for almost a decade now, and i'm ready for a break!
i'm already on the verge of a nervous breakdown, because i've been dealing with mom's surgery and all of its accompanying issues for 3 weeks straight, and, next wednesday, i have to drive her 70+ miles (one way) to the hospital where she had her surgery, for a follow-up and to have her stitches removed, and the appointment is at 6:00 AM!!!! my boss is going to be SOOOOOO happy to come back from his vacation next monday and find out that i need wednesday off! there's another day of unpaid time off i couldn't afford to take!
oh, and in the midst of all this, my DH was rushed from his job last wednesday via ambulance to a local hospital with chest pain, and had to stay overnight to have a heart cath the next morning! the dr. said his heart was fine and it was likely anxiety (he hates his new job). JUST what i needed right now! as if i don't have enough anxiety for both of us!

 

[Friendly Frog]

I just want to send you hugs

I dread the day for many reasons, one on of which is that I will be the only living family member left to take care of my mom.

 

[DisLis]

I work in HR and many employees have to cope with caring for elderly parents. One of the best resources for you is your local Office for the Aging. This goes by many different names and each county in each state has one. They are a one-stop for all the resources that are available to you and to your Mom. They serve your Mom first and foremost, but provide caregiver support as well. Make an appointment with them. I have worked with them in several states and they are incredible!

 

[DizzyStitch]

I am dealing with this for my 73 year old mother as well. She has come so close to dying a number of times this last trip in. It has not been fun and my brother would prefer that all of the decisions be left to me. Mom does not want to go to a nursing home and with everything that is wrong with her I am not sure that is the best option. I just have to figure out how and who. Oh and SIL thought my 12 and 14 year olds should take part in the care while her 29 year old was excluded. The last thing I want is to have my girls deal with a traumatic experience. They already lost their dad at a very young age. My biggest worry is will I end up like this as well? *sigh*

 

[ColoradoMom!!]

oh, bless your heart (and i truly mean that, i'm not being condescending). i don't know what i'd do if either of my parents needed 24/7 care. my mom has at least 2 more weeks of rehab ahead, and, according to my aunt (her sister) my brother is attempting to convince mom to move to his city (he's 3 hours south of us), and, honestly, i'd LOVE for her to go! i've been shouldering the responsibility alone for almost a decade now, and i'm ready for a break!
i'm already on the verge of a nervous breakdown, because i've been dealing with mom's surgery and all of its accompanying issues for 3 weeks straight, and, next wednesday, i have to drive her 70+ miles (one way) to the hospital where she had her surgery, for a follow-up and to have her stitches removed, and the appointment is at 6:00 AM!!!! my boss is going to be SOOOOOO happy to come back from his vacation next monday and find out that i need wednesday off! there's another day of unpaid time off i couldn't afford to take!
oh, and in the midst of all this, my DH was rushed from his job last wednesday via ambulance to a local hospital with chest pain, and had to stay overnight to have a heart cath the next morning! the dr. said his heart was fine and it was likely anxiety (he hates his new job). JUST what i needed right now! as if i don't have enough anxiety for both of us!

Thank you for your kind words-but oh my gosh your plate is full. I am so sorry about your husband-wow. I am lucky that I haven't had to balance work at the moment.

That is great news that your brother might step up! You deserve a break-a decade, wow. I am so sorry about her munchausen - I can't even imagine. I hope your brother comes through. Hang in there. Keep us posted!

 

[mommyrosa2]

OP I'm so sorry you are going thru this. We went thru something similar last yr. with my then 84 yr.old mom. She had fallen at the home she shared with my dad. She had terrible arthritis in her legs & could barely walk. Although she was getting some services at home, she was at the point she needed 24 hr care, & she was showing signs of dementia to boot. The day she went to the hospital, she was really out of it mentally...they decided to do an eval. & confirmed what we already suspected that she did indeed have dementia & was going to need rehab & they really wanted us to consider a nursing home for her. My 88 yr old father was crushed by the news...the thought of living separately after 68 yrs of marriage was devastating to him. Similar to you, they gave us 24 hrs to make a decision about a home, they did however supply us with a very long list of places in our area. Thankfully, we were able to choose a very good home for her through a family friend who works in the healthcare/skilled nursing facility. She has been there a year now & is doing well but the decision to put her there was not an easy one & several of my siblings were not on board yet they offered no alternative. Watching her mind slowly slipping away has been so difficult but knowing she is being cared for properly is a blessing. My dad for the last year goes & sees her everyday without fail, however over the 4th of July week, he got sick & had to undergo emergency appendectomy surgery which really kicked his butt & now he's in rehab at the same facility as mom...he is now facing long term placement as he's not recovering as well as was initially expected. All I can say is hang in there...it's not easy having elderly parents.