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I agree with exactly what others have said. You are 41 and I am 43. It sounds like this whole situation needs to be cleaned up and you file for divorce. You have lost everything. He has no motivation to help himself. Your life is gone and u are so young. please do yourself a favor and start your life over. For many disabled people thins will never change unless it is drastic.
 
Hugs to you OP.

My mom was like that for a few stints in rehabs during the last several years of her life, the last 2 years she had a stroke and truly could not do things.

I was her " caregiver", dont get me wrong I loved her, didnt like her much due to personality disorder, but it was exhausting every stint in rehab, she would get home and play the i cant do this game. I had to rehab her from rehab lol.


The last time she pulled it, I told her she needed to go move with my aunt because I was done trying to save her from herself. And you cant help someone who doesnt want to save themselves. It takes years from your life.

My thoughts are with you.
 
Op- we know of 3 people , close to us, who died young- late 50's early 60's because they refused to take care of their health... 2 simply grew tired of living (((sad)))
2 of them have a new grandchild they never knew- I feel for their adult kids who need guidance often

I don't have an answer- just take care of yourself and try to get some mental help for YOU
 
Frozen72 said:
Thank you everybody for your support!

I am just now getting done with everything that has been going on today. It has been a day filled with drama. To answer some of the questions posed... no we do not have children. I guess that is a good thing in this situation.

In regards to the diabetes: he has been diabetic for a long time, at least 17 years that I know of. He will not control the diet. We have been round and round on that since this became a huge huge issue back about a year and a half ago. I took charge and followed the doctors orders about the carbs. I was the carb nazi and he was getting better, but he was very resentful and fighting me every step of the way.... then he started going off and binging. This caused his condition to deteriorate further with dire consequences. He never would follow the diet after that. He ended up in this skilled nursing for a stint, I came in one day, there he sat with a blizzard from Dairy Queen in his hand. In his room he almost had a Coca Cola Classic bottle in his room. The nurses told me he was eating cupcakes and had blood sugar running 425-ish. They said they legally have no control over patients when they take it upon themselves to have contraband. They cannot take it away from them. In the rehab, they kept the blood sugar under control. I was right there on his release, they said follow a strict diabetic and cardiac diet! On the way home, (mere minutes after this speech) he had me go through the White Castle drive through and get him burgers and a smoothie. Down the road once we got back into town, he had me go through the Dairy Queen drive through and get him an ice cream cone. Later that night he was like I want a stromboli, I finally had to say something about the diet...he was like go get me a stromboli or I am just going to order one to be delivered. I was like whatever, and went and got it for him. The diet cannot be controlled, he will fight you every step of the way and cause such a scene if you resist. I already gave up and just let him do, resistance is futile.

In regards to the mental state, yes he has had a diagnosis as depression and bi-polar. He takes anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, and antidepressant medications. He went through an outpatient therapy treatment like 3X a week for 6 weeks about a year ago. As far as what he learned in therapy was a few catch-phrases to throw around but resumed his old behavior very quickly.

In regards to my own mental state, some friends an co-workers (before I quit working) made me promise to go get checked out. Yes I was also diagnosed with depression. I never went to any follow-ups though (I cancelled all that) and I never got any meds. I just self-medicate with wine. Yes I know that is a bad idea.

As far as getting stuff done, his insurance company never returned my call. I talked to the skilled nursing facility that he was in before and they will take him back. However, this would be a thing where we would have to get him on Medicaid. The home said they can help with this. However, I think we would be better off having an attorney arrange this for us. I have spoken with one before and he said he could get it arranged to where I would receive his disability funds (all but like $30) and Medicaid would cover the facility costs. I would also be able to work and earn up to a certain amount. This seems like a good solution. This is a situation where I am going to have to get him on board.

Physically yes, he did do a little better today which is good. However, I spent all day chasing down prescriptions, running his errands, cleaning the bathroom 3X and doing 3 loads of laundry... (1 regular load, and 2 "emergency" loads).

I know not much can be done over a holiday weekend, so I will have time to ponder my next move I guess.
Click to expand...

I think your next step is to get real. If he wants Dairy Queen then he needs to get his *** up off the couch and get it himself. Same with White Castle. STOP enabling him. It doesn't matter how big a fit he throws, if he wants it he has to get it himself. Would you give him heroin just because he asked for it and threw a fit.

When he makes a "mess" in the bathroom put diapers on him. If he insists on acting like a toddler then he gets treated like a toddler. If his negative behaviors keep getting him what he wants you will get no where.

Quit enabling him and take care of yourself. Start by treating yourself the way you want to be treated. Sending empowering thoughts your way.
 
This is at least the third thread from you with the exact same story. You've been given a lot of good advice in the past, but it's falling on deaf ears. If you're not willing to leave or stop your own enabling behavior, what exactly are you looking for? Do you know how ludicrous it sounds to have gotten him White Castle and Dairy Queen in the span of hours, let alone at all? Yet you wrote it so indifferently, like, "whatever". You even used the passive voice - "he had me go through", not "I went through". Take some responsibility for your actions, or lack thereof, and the resulting circumstances.

If that sounds harsh, I only hope it's to make you see how appalling things look from this side of the keyboard.
 
I keep going back to your sentence that resistance is futile. That's not true. Stop enabling him. Why would he change anything if you give him what he wants? You talk about the diet orders and then that you stopped at two drive-throughs on the way home. That's on you.

The story you just told says as much about your behavior as it does about his. The person you have to change first is you and the rest will fall into place from there. It won't be easy but it can't be worse than this.
 
OP, I remember you story as well. Seems like things really haven't changed. I agree with the others. Stop getting him food he shouldn't have etc. He can eat what is in the house.

I also understand the guilt you are probably feeling as well. When we are married, or otherwise committed to an individual, I think we do believe it will/should be for better or worse. I think this issue is "confusing" because although he is sick, he also sounds like an abusive jerk (sorry if I offend). He cannot expect you to wait on him hand and foot while he verbally abuses you and refuses to help himself...AT ALL.

You need to get him back into that facility, ASAP and then you need to take care of you. Do you have friends or family you can go stay with? You say he has family in the area, let them deal with him for awhile. I am about your age, thinking of being 43 and this being my life would make me beyond depressed. Not just because my spouse was sick, but also because since he won't help himself nothing will change.

You have already given up your life for him. I think you need to start to play hardball and consider other options for yourself.
 
OMG Frozen-he sounds EXACTLY like DH's best friend-who thought the Doctors "crazy about his diabetes.
we watched for 10 years as he refused to diet-hid alcohol from his wife and slowly deteriorate. First his toes then his foot then half a leg amputated
then he was on dialysis
his wife was a saint thru it-but sadly we drifted apart-it was too painful to watch
the last time I saw him was at a friends wake-it was shocking how he looked. DH went to see him on his deathbed at hospital-not sure if he recognized him

your last post reminds me of him-scary
 
OP, I feel for you. I do. In a big way.

But like the others, you lost me at the stop at White Castle. If he can't get himself off the sofa, and can't help clean up his own messes, just how is he going to go get those things on his own if you decide not to? If he can't get off the sofa, how can he even get to the phone to order delivery?

And how did he get a DQ Blizzard in a skilled nursing facililty?
 
You need to STOP getting him these things. Period. It's not allowed on his diet, and you are assisting in killing him. I personally would NOT be party to that.

My Dad was JUST like this....always wanting sweets and carbs even though he had diabetes. I would NOT bring him those sort of treats, and it made him mad. Oh well. He was just going to have to be mad. But, sorry Dad, I'm not participating in your suicide attempt. Follow the doctor's orders and hey, maybe you would FEEL BETTER.

OP, you've got a couple of choices.

(1) Keep doing exactly like you are doing, and learn to live with the fallout, including your own depression.

(2)STOP enabling your husband, start caring for him pursuant to doctor's orders, and start insisting that he take care of himself to the extent he can OR accept that you will divorce him and/or put him in a home. You don't have to live like this. He is not being a partner to you in any sense of the word.

The choice you DON'T have is to keep enabling him, and then complain about how bad it is, IMO. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's time for a little tough love, FOR YOU.
 
This is just so, so very toxic. And it is very hard to read because I can picture you in my mind. You are still so young and you could have so much life and happiness yet to live, but you've forfeited all that to participate in this madness instead. When I said my Mom and Dad's family watched in horror unable to do anything to stop it all, I can guarantee that your family and other people who see this feel the exact same way.

OP I wish you the best, I really do. But you are not "taking care of him." You are enabling and damaging him. Yes, he might obtain [insert bad food item] without your help anyway, but that doesn't mean you might as well go do it. Yes, you can call an ambulance crew to come and get him up off the couch, but that doesn't mean you have to do it. All these events to him are just as much about his desire to prove, yet again, that he can make you do something you don't want to do as it is about getting the food or whatever.

These things you do, help to keep him sicker and sicker, mentally and physically. And while I'm sure that in many ways he is using his personality and other manipulation techniques to drive your actions, there will either come a day where you decide not to participate in this madness, or the whole thing barrel down the road to an inevitable very sad ending.
 
Frozen72 said:
Thank you everybody for your support!

I am just now getting done with everything that has been going on today. It has been a day filled with drama. To answer some of the questions posed... no we do not have children. I guess that is a good thing in this situation.

In regards to the diabetes: he has been diabetic for a long time, at least 17 years that I know of. He will not control the diet. We have been round and round on that since this became a huge huge issue back about a year and a half ago. I took charge and followed the doctors orders about the carbs. I was the carb nazi and he was getting better, but he was very resentful and fighting me every step of the way.... then he started going off and binging. This caused his condition to deteriorate further with dire consequences. He never would follow the diet after that. He ended up in this skilled nursing for a stint, I came in one day, there he sat with a blizzard from Dairy Queen in his hand. In his room he almost had a Coca Cola Classic bottle in his room. The nurses told me he was eating cupcakes and had blood sugar running 425-ish. They said they legally have no control over patients when they take it upon themselves to have contraband. They cannot take it away from them. In the rehab, they kept the blood sugar under control. I was right there on his release, they said follow a strict diabetic and cardiac diet! On the way home, (mere minutes after this speech) he had me go through the White Castle drive through and get him burgers and a smoothie. Down the road once we got back into town, he had me go through the Dairy Queen drive through and get him an ice cream cone. Later that night he was like I want a stromboli, I finally had to say something about the diet...he was like go get me a stromboli or I am just going to order one to be delivered. I was like whatever, and went and got it for him. The diet cannot be controlled, he will fight you every step of the way and cause such a scene if you resist. I already gave up and just let him do, resistance is futile.

In regards to the mental state, yes he has had a diagnosis as depression and bi-polar. He takes anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, and antidepressant medications. He went through an outpatient therapy treatment like 3X a week for 6 weeks about a year ago. As far as what he learned in therapy was a few catch-phrases to throw around but resumed his old behavior very quickly.

In regards to my own mental state, some friends an co-workers (before I quit working) made me promise to go get checked out. Yes I was also diagnosed with depression. I never went to any follow-ups though (I cancelled all that) and I never got any meds. I just self-medicate with wine. Yes I know that is a bad idea.

As far as getting stuff done, his insurance company never returned my call. I talked to the skilled nursing facility that he was in before and they will take him back. However, this would be a thing where we would have to get him on Medicaid. The home said they can help with this. However, I think we would be better off having an attorney arrange this for us. I have spoken with one before and he said he could get it arranged to where I would receive his disability funds (all but like $30) and Medicaid would cover the facility costs. I would also be able to work and earn up to a certain amount. This seems like a good solution. This is a situation where I am going to have to get him on board.

Physically yes, he did do a little better today which is good. However, I spent all day chasing down prescriptions, running his errands, cleaning the bathroom 3X and doing 3 loads of laundry... (1 regular load, and 2 "emergency" loads).

I know not much can be done over a holiday weekend, so I will have time to ponder my next move I guess.
Click to expand...


Do you want to do best for your husband and yourself? Sign him over to be a ward of the state and let Medicaid and a nursing home take care of him. Seriously at this point that is what is best. Don't go the attorney route unless you intend to sign away care giver privileges. Let the nursing home/skilled nursing unit send out the home health nurse and do the evaluation for Medicaid and placement for help.

You are not doing yourself or him any good. It's easier to just drive through the fast food than fight about it and I get that because you get tired of fighting. But as a caregiver that is going to truly do the best for the patient, you have to strive to do the best for that person even when the patient doesn't want to do that. I fight this fight with my own mom and her wishes versus what is best. I know how difficult this can be and tiring and emotional.

So, I have an ugly question to you? Why are you still enduring this? Is it because of the cycle of abuse? Is it because you think people will think less of you? Do you want to be a martyr or are you planning to put him in a home and collect his check? You and only you and no one else but you can break this crazy cycle. Your husband doesn't give a damn about his health and in the end if you want to save his life to the best of your ability then turn him over to people that can. You will know that you saved his life and broke the cycle at the same time. Nothing will change without you finding the will, want and backbone to do this. There are many support groups of caregivers and people that need respite care. Check into that but more than anything do some soul searching and take action to save you both.
 
OP, when he's gone, you need to be able to look back and feel like you did what you needed to do both for yourself and for your husband.

Try taking a look at things from that perspective and see if anything looks different. Will you be happy looking back knowing that you contributed to his demise? Will you be happy looking back and seeing how you let him manipulate you? You're clearly along for the ride here. I hope you find a way to be a little more in control of the situation so that down the road you can look back knowing you did what was best for both of you.
 
First of all, {{hugs}}. It must be so hard to have to deal with a sick, recalcitrant husband.

Frozen72 said:
In regards to my own mental state, some friends an co-workers (before I quit working) made me promise to go get checked out. Yes I was also diagnosed with depression. I never went to any follow-ups though (I cancelled all that) and I never got any meds. I just self-medicate with wine. Yes I know that is a bad idea.
Click to expand...
This really stuck out when I read it. My advise is that you need to take care of YOU properly before you can take care of HIM properly. Your life is so difficult right now and it seems to me that the enabling is the path of least resistance. I *totally* understand that so I'm not going to bash on you for that. But you know in your heart that it's not the best choice for either one of you ... it's just the easiest choice. Especially with untreated depression. IIRC from earlier threads, your husband is very demanding and abusive. You are going to need more than wine to stand up to HIM and stand up for YOURSELF. You need medical professionals just as he does.

Please call your doctor and make another appointment and follow through on the return visits. I think you will be surprised at how medication will help you see the situation clearly and not be completely overwhelmed. Therapy with a medical professional will also go a long way so you do not feel alone. My guess is that your friends IRL have given you much of the same "tough love" advise I have read here. A therapist will help you figure out what needs to be done and what's holding you back from doing it.
 
Frozen72 said:
Thank you everybody for your support!

I am just now getting done with everything that has been going on today. It has been a day filled with drama. To answer some of the questions posed... no we do not have children. I guess that is a good thing in this situation.

In regards to the diabetes: he has been diabetic for a long time, at least 17 years that I know of. He will not control the diet. We have been round and round on that since this became a huge huge issue back about a year and a half ago. I took charge and followed the doctors orders about the carbs. I was the carb nazi and he was getting better, but he was very resentful and fighting me every step of the way.... then he started going off and binging. This caused his condition to deteriorate further with dire consequences. He never would follow the diet after that. He ended up in this skilled nursing for a stint, I came in one day, there he sat with a blizzard from Dairy Queen in his hand. In his room he almost had a Coca Cola Classic bottle in his room. The nurses told me he was eating cupcakes and had blood sugar running 425-ish. They said they legally have no control over patients when they take it upon themselves to have contraband. They cannot take it away from them. In the rehab, they kept the blood sugar under control. I was right there on his release, they said follow a strict diabetic and cardiac diet! On the way home, (mere minutes after this speech) he had me go through the White Castle drive through and get him burgers and a smoothie. Down the road once we got back into town, he had me go through the Dairy Queen drive through and get him an ice cream cone. Later that night he was like I want a stromboli, I finally had to say something about the diet...he was like go get me a stromboli or I am just going to order one to be delivered. I was like whatever, and went and got it for him. The diet cannot be controlled, he will fight you every step of the way and cause such a scene if you resist. I already gave up and just let him do, resistance is futile.

In regards to the mental state, yes he has had a diagnosis as depression and bi-polar. He takes anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety, and antidepressant medications. He went through an outpatient therapy treatment like 3X a week for 6 weeks about a year ago. As far as what he learned in therapy was a few catch-phrases to throw around but resumed his old behavior very quickly.

In regards to my own mental state, some friends an co-workers (before I quit working) made me promise to go get checked out. Yes I was also diagnosed with depression. I never went to any follow-ups though (I cancelled all that) and I never got any meds. I just self-medicate with wine. Yes I know that is a bad idea.

As far as getting stuff done, his insurance company never returned my call. I talked to the skilled nursing facility that he was in before and they will take him back. However, this would be a thing where we would have to get him on Medicaid. The home said they can help with this. However, I think we would be better off having an attorney arrange this for us. I have spoken with one before and he said he could get it arranged to where I would receive his disability funds (all but like $30) and Medicaid would cover the facility costs. I would also be able to work and earn up to a certain amount. This seems like a good solution. This is a situation where I am going to have to get him on board.

Physically yes, he did do a little better today which is good. However, I spent all day chasing down prescriptions, running his errands, cleaning the bathroom 3X and doing 3 loads of laundry... (1 regular load, and 2 "emergency" loads).

I know not much can be done over a holiday weekend, so I will have time to ponder my next move I guess.
Click to expand...
You should really think about talking to a therapist and get going again with the MD if pills have been recommended. It seems that you really need someone to talk to and help you sort this out, other than here. There is no shame in that. Really, until you do, your doing nothing but spinning your wheels. It's easy when you have a few good days to put all that on the back burner, but look at the larger picture, these issues will not go away. I hope this all works out for you, it can and will.
 
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