MIL problem!!!!!! HELP!

[RachaelA]

This thread is scaring me

I am a fairly new MIL and am travelling with DS and DDIL for the first time in the fall for a week at WDW and a week on DCL.

I don't want to share a room at WDW because we will be together on the ship and I don't think the want Mom there for fourteen nights! We are also getting different park ticket options. I'm all for a six day base ticket while they are looking at a four day water parks and more so they can do four parks and two water parks.

I admit I am having trouble letting go a bit and not planning their portion, I keep telling myself it really does not matter. I am very blessed that they even want me to travel with them.

So far so good.

The fact that you are concerned about it and trying not to overstep is more than many other people would do! You can totally come be my MIL

 

[tjmj9801]

This thread is scaring me

I am a fairly new MIL and am travelling with DS and DDIL for the first time in the fall for a week at WDW and a week on DCL.

I don't want to share a room at WDW because we will be together on the ship and I don't think the want Mom there for fourteen nights! We are also getting different park ticket options. I'm all for a six day base ticket while they are looking at a four day water parks and more so they can do four parks and two water parks.

I admit I am having trouble letting go a bit and not planning their portion, I keep telling myself it really does not matter. I am very blessed that they even want me to travel with them.

So far so good.

In sure it'll be fine. At least you recognize that they should be allowed some free time. Hey, use this opportunity to do things you haven't done at WDW before. Is there a ride/show/restaurant you haven't done before because no one else wanted to? Go for it!

 

[momimouse27]

OP, I would really love to have an update to know how your family meeting went!

I remember you said this is your db's first trip to Disney, is this the MIL's first trip as well?

I agree with the couple of people who said they would rather go on their own dime than have someone controlling the trip. That drives me nuts! In the past, on our early trips, I think I was somewhat guilty of being overly controlling. As I have gotten older and been on many more visits, I realized long ago that everyone is happier when they can do their own thing!

I don't know her personality, but maybe if your brother just gently explains that they do want to spend time with her, but they want to do a little less relaxing by the pool than her, then she'll understand. My dad is the same way, and just wants to relax, so when he's ready to leave the parks, he does.

If I were your brother, I'd just add on the days he wants above the ticket she paid for and let her relax by the pool. Those kids will be bored silly watching her sun herself!

Also, maybe you should suggest she fire her travel agent!!

 

[disney1990]

How old is MIL? Will she hold up physically on 7 park days?

LOL - Question should be what kind of shape is MIL in. My 90 year old father in law will go with us on a 7-9 day trip - go all day long and ride everything.

 

[Nancyg56]

I wonder if MIL knows that the difference between a 3 day and a 6 or 7 day is not that much more. Some people only see that a one day ticket is $85 and then multiply that by the number of days.

I am willing to bet that MIL has gotten all of her knowledge for her TA friend and probably has no real idea how large WDW is, how much there is to do, and how much time the parks will actually take. Add your point tat she may not know the actual cost of multiday tickets.

Either that or she has already decided that she want to vacation in a certain manner and has determined that since she is paying everyone follows suit. This is why I think a real family meeting should take place. Everyone has an idea of how they vacation and it makes sense to hammer any issues out before finalizing plans.

This thread is scaring me

I am a fairly new MIL and am travelling with DS and DDIL for the first time in the fall for a week at WDW and a week on DCL.

I don't want to share a room at WDW because we will be together on the ship and I don't think the want Mom there for fourteen nights! We are also getting different park ticket options. I'm all for a six day base ticket while they are looking at a four day water parks and more so they can do four parks and two water parks.

I admit I am having trouble letting go a bit and not planning their portion, I keep telling myself it really does not matter. I am very blessed that they even want me to travel with them.

So far so good.

Don't worry I am a MIl who travels with my DD and DSIl as well as my DS and DDIL. As long as you remember that this is their vacation as well as your own, you and they will be okay.

I think that since you already recognize that you have different ideas and are figuring out how to manage them, the main areas for pain is gone. I think the problems happen when everyone is forced to spend every minute of every day following someone else s version of a good time. That never works out well. The OP is discussing a situation that could potentially ruin a relationship if it is not rectified before this trip occurs. You are discussing how to avoid pitfalls. Big difference.

I, like you, feel blessed my family includes me and my DH in their travel plans.

 

[letsgoreds]

LOL - Question should be what kind of shape is MIL in. My 90 year old father in law will go with us on a 7-9 day trip - go all day long and ride everything.

That is awesome!

My advice is to sit down with your DB and make a list of what he and the kids would like to do (list rides, shows, experiences...like JTA, etc.). See how many days it will take to hit these, and if it is more than 3, take this specific list of things that you want to do/places you want to eat to MIL and see what she thinks.

I think this is more about the TA and less about the MIL. The TA is probably someone she trusts, so it will take specific requests/facts to change this. If MIL isn't receptive, then just adjust your expectations and max out the 3 day ticket. I wouldn't want to have different ticket options/split up for so much of the trip. That seems rude.

We have traveled with my mom as well as my MIL/FIL and every time it has worked. We do everything together (ish). We plan out the start of our day, figure out everyone's most important rides/experiences and schedule accordingly. We try to accomplish a lot, but adjust our speeds when needed. Might split up for a couple hours of the day, or a meal or two, but especially if MIL is paying for the trip, I wouldn't feel right ditching her.

That being said, if FIL and MIL would have planned our upcoming trip in December, it would have been at the exclusive direction of the TA they use on other trips. She books all of their trips. They have a relationship. We would have had paid too much for dining (don't need dining plan), had too few park days, and paid too much on room (renting DVC points instead). Thankfully, she was open to my suggestions, and now appreciative of MY relationship with the DIS!

 

[jtowntoflorida]

My personal opinion is that a gift is not a gift if it comes with strings attached. A gift should be something that is given freely so that the recipient can enjoy it! Not something that the giver does to control someone else.

I've always wondered why someone would want to suck all of the fun out of a trip for someone by dictating the entire agenda. Heck, I go to Disney with my (now) 3 and 6 year old, and I even let them make choices on what to do so that we all have fun! It isn't just about the wants and needs of one person.

To the OP...I'm sorry, but I'd encourage your brother to decline the trip. It sounds like it's a recipe for disaster. I don't care how much I love Disney, I'd never go with my MIL because she'd be exactly like you described and it would be unpleasant for all of us.

 

[dansamy]

I learned after one trip with family not to expect too much. I really had my feelings hurt. Now, if I invite family & cover their room with my DVC points, I don't expect anything at all in the way of spending time together. I gift them the room, communicate where my family will be & when & make the invitation to join us open at all times.

 

[bumbershoot]

The fact that you are concerned about it and trying not to overstep is more than many other people would do! You can totally come be my MIL

Will you be mine, too?

 

[Sphinx610]

The fact that you are concerned about it and trying not to overstep is more than many other people would do! You can totally come be my MIL

OMG totally, mine too. I wish mine gave a crap about what we wanted!

Be careful once they have kids though- don't UNDERstep! They may WANT you to be around!
Here's my MIL@WDW story:
My MIL came to join us for the last three days of our kids first trip @WDW. (She paid her way we paid ours) She went on and on and on about wanting to be with the kids in WDW, how she wanted "nothing more than to be with her grand kids in WDW" and how excited she was to "share this experience with us"... barely saw the woman. The day they got there we did MK when they got there. (Which was around dinner) The next day we did AK- she slept in until 10! We were dressed, ready and waiting for her while she was sleeping, still in PJ's by 10. So we left... she wanted to get breakfast and all too and she didn't meet us in the park until around 12-12:30. On THANKSGIVING DAY! All we did together was Rafiki's Planet Watch and Safari; had to leave for dinner @ DTD @3, which she knew in advance. Last day- her and Step-dad didn't even come to the park with us. They went off on their own, which was ok- "We will meet you in MK later", ok. never happened. for the entire day we kept waiting for her call and it never came. They didn't meet us until 6 for dinner back at the resort. Thaaats nice... We were depending on her to help us out with our 2yo the last day so we could ride BTMR, Splash and a few other things with our older son. Things we couldn't do with the youngest in tow. Things we waited the entire trip to do bc she said she'd be glad to hang out w 2yo DD for an hour here and there so we could take older son on a few "big kid" things. (She loves one on one time alone with each kid and was enthusiastic about "getting the chance" to do this with her only granddaughter in WDW.) Very frustrating...

Moral of the story: ask them! Its nice that you care. Very nice, but don't sell yourself short either.

Anyway as far as the OP- yeah he's going to have to talk to her about it, very respectfully. Family meeting
I disagree with the "people are so selfish" lady. I don't think he is being selfish wanting to take his kids into the park a little more. He isn't demanding she pay for it or even come along. It sounds like he wants to just add to the trip on his own dime and she won't let him. Her way or the highway? That's not much of a "present". I can't see the problem with respectfully discussing a family trip, no matter who is footing the bill. Good luck with that... I hope it works out for him and his family.

 

[disney2014plan]

I disagree with the people who are saying that he should just upgrade when they are there. That is a recipe for MIL sulking and potentially putting a huge downer on the holiday.

Brother should approach it in an adult way , not sneak around like a teenager who has been told not to do something, and does it anyway when his parents aren't looking.

Either:

Accept that she pays and she is providing the tickets and wants to do things her way

Tell her in a grown up way (because we all regress to being kids in these types of arguments if we are not careful) "Thanks for the very generous offer MIL, however, we would prefer to do things our own way. The kids would prefer to have more park days, but seeing as that is non-negotiable, rather than have a falling out on the holiday, we will have seperate holidays"

PS when I say OP's brother should do it I mean that brother and wife should do it together.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

OP, I would advise your brother to not push the issue now. Wait till they get there, see the parks and see how much they do. Then, when/if they don't get to see everything or do everything they really want to do in the parks, I think that would be the way to approach the MIL: "Daughter didn't get to meet Favorite Princess. She really wanted to do that. We'd like to take her back to Magic Kingdom to do that and spend some more time there since we only had the one day. Do you want to come or do you want to stay at the resort?"

I wouldn't set the vacation in a bad tone before even leaving. Let everyone get there and let the MIL see how big the parks are and how much there is to see and do. It will be much easier for her to "save face" and agree they need more days. Now, she's just going to dig in her heels with "My TA is always right and you're wrong."

Good luck to your brother and his family. Seems like they're going to need it.

 

[WDSearcher]

This is what I was afraid of. In this case, a meeting is definitely in order. I would not want to bring my children to WDW and then tell them they must cool their heels by the pool with Gram. We have never even bothered with the water parks. DH hates them and DGD would rather chew glass than spend a day in one. I have no idea what these kids like but I would darn well want to make sure they enjoyed waterparks before I insisted they go to them instead of more days in Disney's main parks.

I think that before the meeting, your DB needs to know what he is willing to do. Is he willing to go along with MIL because she is paying? Is he and his DW willing to try to get MIL to compromise? I don't understand the mentality of a grandmother who sets these kinds of conditions on her family but
I think it may be hard for the kids if they really want to spend more time in the parks but Gram says no, and it may cause hard feelings if when they arrive, Gram acquiesces but is resentful.

This stuck out to me, because your approach seems to be backwards.

I would tell my kids that Gram was taking us all to WDW and we'd have three whole days in the parks and four days to do other stuff and isn't it great that she's doing this for us!

I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

I'm all for sitting down with MIL and talking about whether there's wiggle room in the budget or schedule, and maybe having a WDW guidebook there so she gets a more full understanding of the scope of the place. But no way would I ever think my kids were somehow getting the short end because they only got three days at WDW during a vacation they weren't paying for.

MIL control issues aside, if the brother says yes, then the brother and family need to do that with a full understanding that they're on MIL's schedule. Three of the days at WDW will be in the parks and the other days will be doing all of those great things that people on the DIS always tell people they can do if they don't have enough money to go into the parks. I mean ... isn't that what we're always doing here? Providing lists of all the great things you can do at WDW even if you don't go into the parks? I get that the brother may not know when they'll be back, but there are a whole lot of people who won't ever get even three days, KWIM?

 

[jump00]

OP, I would really love to have an update to know how your family meeting went!

I remember you said this is your db's first trip to Disney, is this the MIL's first trip as well?

I agree with the couple of people who said they would rather go on their own dime than have someone controlling the trip. That drives me nuts! In the past, on our early trips, I think I was somewhat guilty of being overly controlling. As I have gotten older and been on many more visits, I realized long ago that everyone is happier when they can do their own thing!

I don't know her personality, but maybe if your brother just gently explains that they do want to spend time with her, but they want to do a little less relaxing by the pool than her, then she'll understand. My dad is the same way, and just wants to relax, so when he's ready to leave the parks, he does.

If I were your brother, I'd just add on the days he wants above the ticket she paid for and let her relax by the pool. Those kids will be bored silly watching her sun herself!

Also, maybe you should suggest she fire her travel agent!!

I agree! Thanks for your advice and insight. Not sue this will end well. Fingers crossed.

 

[okeydokey]

Sorry I don't think I explained the situation clearly ....... she wants my brother and his family ONLY to have a 3 day pass as well. They are more than willing to upgrade the extra days themselves. The mil wants to control their vacation as well. My brother just wants to be able to see as much as possible since they don't know when they will be back.

Then maybe your BIL can pay for his own vacation. If she is paying, I think she has some say about what tickets she buys.

It would be nice if she didn't want to go the park a couple days, that she would give them her blessing to upgrade on their own dime, but really if they are accepting a paid vacation from so done, they give up some control.

 

[kermiebudge]

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

It sounds like MIL is interested in TL and BB so maybe you would be better off with the 4 day(5th free) PH pass with water parks which would give you 5 park days and an equal water park days. 5 days would be more than enough to do all of the parks and then a few days to share with MIL at the water parks.

Let MIL stay with her 3 day PH pass which would give your family a day or so without the MIL....which maybe EXACTLY what everyone needs....if you get my drift. Keep in mind, that your MIL could be doing this on purpose...she maybe smarter than you think !!!

Yes!
Us "almost" Beantowners do think alike!

 

[DebbieB]

I disagree with the people who are saying that he should just upgrade when they are there. That is a recipe for MIL sulking and potentially putting a huge downer on the holiday.

Brother should approach it in an adult way , not sneak around like a teenager who has been told not to do something, and does it anyway when his parents aren't looking.

Either:

Accept that she pays and she is providing the tickets and wants to do things her way

Tell her in a grown up way (because we all regress to being kids in these types of arguments if we are not careful) "Thanks for the very generous offer MIL, however, we would prefer to do things our own way. The kids would prefer to have more park days, but seeing as that is non-negotiable, rather than have a falling out on the holiday, we will have seperate holidays"

PS when I say OP's brother should do it I mean that brother and wife should do it together.

When I said wait until they get there, I was not suggesting he sneak around. I was just thinking when they get there she will see that they need more park time to see everything and they can add the days then. It sounds like she is just depending on the TA's opinion.

 

[shalom]

They are more than willing to upgrade the extra days themselves. The mil wants to control their vacation as well.

Thanks for clarifying. That is not the situation I was "seeing" with your first post. If that's the case, then likely a family council is the way to go.

It will be much easier for her to "save face" and agree they need more days.

My thought was that (1) she'd see how big WDW is and (2) she might be opposed to separating at home, but after a few park days she'd be tired enough to think the idea of having a day off while the rest of the family goes to a park sounds like a great idea.

But I also assumed that BIL was willing to go along with MIL's plan and that the OP was the one fussed about too few days in the park. If BIL feels strongly about spending more days in the park, and won't be happy if MIL doesn't accept the idea of them kicking the tickets up, I think it needs to be settled before they're there.

I would tell my kids that Gram was taking us all to WDW and we'd have three whole days in the parks and four days to do other stuff and isn't it great that she's doing this for us!

That would be our attitude as well. And if being THATCLOSE but not getting to go to the parks for four days would torment us, we'd say we appreciate the offer but no thanks. Then again, I know with my own family that people's concept of "a Disney vacation" can vary considerable, so would appreciate specific feedback if I was gifting someone with one!

 

[Princess Disney Mom]

Now that is how it should be. I travel all the time with my parents in laws and older family. When my husband and I were a young family they paid. Now we are older and we pay. Everyone always did what worked for them. For example we would commando tour with the children and say we will be in AK from 8am -3:00pm. Meet us at EPCOT in the afternoon. This way the kids got a whole day with hopper. The elderly family member got to relax then enjoy the kids and a nice dinner at one park. All fun and happy trips. It can be done.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[kbelle8995]

I am with the posters who stated that this needs to be discussed before the vacation. He should stress that he is willing to pay for his familys upgrade and that he appreciates the offer of the vacation. If the MIL is not happy or refuses, than he needs to thank her profusely but decline the offer. Perhaps a family trip would be great at another time.

I think that doing this at the theme park will just bring hurt feelings all around. Better to bring this up early.

Hope this turns out well. Families can be a precarious thing at times.