MIL Drama

[kathie859]

Was the "your nuts" comment a bit daring? Well, yeah. And I probably wouldn't have said it aloud--though, God knows, I would be thinking it!!!

OP--Let this go. It's not worth any angst on your or your DH's parts. You did a nice thing by firing up the fireplace to show that you heard her complaint. She chose to be the drama queen by standing by the heat in a coat indoors!! That's a little nutty in my book I think for Xmas, I'd give DMIL a lovely shaw to help her stay warm during the cold months. In fact, I'd probably keep one on hand for her at my house, so we could always offer her this accommodation. Some people are determined to be hostile in certain situations. This is one of them. Your DMIL has decided that you are "the enemy" and, no doubt, your DH is long suffering and deserving so much more than you can deliver.

 

[NikitaZee]

My parents set their thermostat to 70, all year round. Last night - my mom was sitting in front of the fireplace, wrapped up in a blanket, watching tv. Her own house, not complaining to anyone - however she was in front of a warm fire, bundled up, and still chilly. It's not so impossible as some might think.

 

[eeyore kelly]

It seems to me you're reading into this post a lot. The OP used terminology that is opinion based, at best. She keeps her house set at 68-69 degrees. I am a fairly thin 31 year old woman and that is bleeping freezing to me. I'd be pulling out a blanket and I'd probably still feel very uncomfortable.

The OP then goes on to use qualitative terms "chilled in the summer" and "hot in the winter". My mother, who I love, and who would find this thread quite silly, as do I, would agree that I keep my house the same way. She's happy at about 68 in the winter as well and I freeze my butt off. Funnily, my "chilled in the summer" house is set at about 74-75 and "hot in the winter" is about 71-72. I'd say that's pretty close in temperature. But someone whose temperature runs like my mother's might think I was "crazy" for keeping my house soooo warm in the winter and sooo chilled in the summer.

Secondly, the OP goes on to say that her MIL complains about this everytime she comes over. Well, that makes sense to me as well, since the OP likes to keep her house freezing cold (oh wait, am I using a qualitative term?) or 68 degrees and her MIL finds this temperature uncomfortably cold.

I'm not sure if the OP has other issues with her MIL, but I would say that she over-reacted by calling her mother crazy for just trying to keep herself warm. MIL might be a pain, but if she consistently complains that she is cold, then she's probably cold. If the OP does not want to turn the heat up (which I can understand) then she will have to deal with the consequence of her mother sitting by the fire trying to warm herself. I'd do the same thing. It sounds like the MIL probably anticipated that she would be cold, brought her coat with her, and used it. So the people suggesting that she should come prepared - she DID come prepared and her DIL called her crazy!

I'm not sure if the issue is one of a dramatic MIL or a dramatic DIL, but based on the original post, I think I've pointed out that you can't automatically assume the MIL is the dramatic one.

OP HERE: My MIL has been dong this temperature thing for 11 years now. She never complained when my SIL had a party and her house was a chilly 65 degrees. She also never complained when that same SIL didn't turn on the AC for a summer party and it was hot. Over the summer we had birthday cake for my DH. It wasn't hot enough for the AC but I had all our windows open.As soon as the kitchen got a bit warm, the complaining started, Oh it's so hot turn on your AC etc. She turns her AC on in April and the heat in October. I think it is just her thing to complain about our house.

Based on this post, I am inclined to believe OP.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree. If she was on meds or had a medical condition that always made her cold, then she would also be cold in the summer - not chilling her house as the OP described.

Some folks just do that. My DH has the AC going full blast in the summer. He likes the contrast from the heat to a cool home. I hate it. He has the heat turned up in the winter, again he needs to feel the contrast. Me, I hang out the door half of the time and huddle under a blanket the other half. That is just him. If someone is either too hot or too cold we adjust the heat.

For those of you that suggested that the temp should have been changed to suit the guest (I don't disagree), do you ask your guests to remove their shoes?

Just wondering.

Nope. Never have and never will.

OP HERE: My MIL has been dong this temperature thing for 11 years now. She never complained when my SIL had a party and her house was a chilly 65 degrees. She also never complained when that same SIL didn't turn on the AC for a summer party and it was hot. Over the summer we had birthday cake for my DH. It wasn't hot enough for the AC but I had all our windows open.As soon as the kitchen got a bit warm, the complaining started, Oh it's so hot turn on your AC etc. She turns her AC on in April and the heat in October. I think it is just her thing to complain about our house.

I have to quality that I am a MIL. I have two MILs as well. My first husbands mother who I adore, and my husbands Mother. My DH Mother would make this MIL look like a walk in the park. I mean she has never been satisfied about anything. Not ever. His sister makes her look like Mary Poppins. I have never let them know that they annoy me. I am not a Saint, quite the opposite. I just do not believe that behaving in an ungracious manner does any good and the more they are rude the nicer I get. If the MIL was playing a game with the temperature she would have gotten exactly what she asked for, the thermostat raised, a cozy blanket and I would have made a point of making sure she was comfortable. I have found that killing with kindness works better than voicing the opinion that she was nuts.

I hope when I am a MIL that my DIL and SonIL adore me as much as my BILs adore my mother. That IL relationship works both ways.



My MIL calls me "that (insert ugly word here)." Now, I am not saying that the OP's MIL is even in the same universe as mine. However, not all MILs have medical problems and/or poop angels. Some are just disagreeable.

Disclaimer: This post no way implies that DILs are perfect.

I hope that my DDIL feels the same way about me as your DH feels about your mother. My DH Mother is probably living in the same area as your MIL, I would not want that for my children.

I think that there are always family dynamics and when family gets together there always should be tolerance for quirks. It took a long time for my DDIL to realize that I was not the same woman as her mother, that if I said something it was not meant to be a negative. Her Mother cannot open her mouth without a nasty snipe at her and she brought this pain into our relationship. It would have been very easy to be intolerant of her or for her to make a point of reacting rudely to what may have been an innocent comment. We both had someone in common though and neither one of us would have ever dreamt of hurting Daniel with testy remarks to one another. If I had complained about the temperature my gracious DDIL would have raised the heat, snuggled me up in an afghan and made me hot tea. And this was when she thought that I did not love her and welcome her into our family. And my son would have adored her even more for her thoughtfulness.

I am not saying that the OP should not have an opinion about the woman, I am just saying that raising the thermostat would have been an easy fix. It did not need to be a win/lose situation over a few degrees. People often forget that not every event needs to be a territorial confrontation. IMO, no matter how annoying this woman was this was a small thing. I would save my snit for something worth fighting for.

 

[cdepauli]

Based on this post, I am inclined to believe OP.

But you had formed your opinion before that second post was made. I began typing my post before seeing that one. I was simply pointing out that it was illogical to say that the MIL was being dramatic based on the origianl post.

Based on the second post, if the only thing the MIL complains about it the temperature, then the OP is sure choosing a strange hill to die on. I'm lucky that I have a great mother and MIL, my sister on the other hand has a MIL from you know where. She'd love to have a MIL whose only annoying habit was complaining about the temperature.

Based on the given criteria and what the OP has told us (which I admit is never the whole story), I would say that it was terribly rude to call her MIL crazy.

The only reason that I do not necessarily agree with the OP or you, and I admit, this part is conjecture, is that most people who have true problems with their relatives would not choose such a strangely insignificant thing as someone complaining about the temperature and trying to keep themselves warm to come to a message board to vent about. I would actually think that the person is somehow overly sensitive and overreacted, whether the MIL complains at others' houses or not. Also the OP, in the second post is equally culpable in complaining about how her MIL likes to keep her own house.

 

[eeyore kelly]

But you had formed your opinion before that second post was made. I began typing my post before seeing that one. I was simply pointing out that it was illogical to say that the MIL was being dramatic based on the origianl post.

Based on the second post, if the only thing the MIL complains about it the temperature, then the OP is sure choosing a strange hill to die on. I'm lucky that I have a great mother and MIL, my sister on the other hand has a MIL from you know where. She'd love to have a MIL whose only annoying habit was complaining about the temperature.

Based on the given criteria and what the OP has told us (which I admit is never the whole story), I would say that it was terribly rude to call her MIL crazy.

The only reason that I do not necessarily agree with the OP or you, and I admit, this part is conjecture, is that most people who have true problems with their relatives would not choose such a strangely insignificant thing as someone complaining about the temperature and trying to keep themselves warm to come to a message board to vent about. I would actually think that the person is somehow overly sensitive and overreacted, whether the MIL complains at others' houses or not. Also the OP, in the second post is equally culpable in complaining about how her MIL likes to keep her own house.

ok well, i guess i have illogical reasoning skills. you win?

when i was in college in my logical reasoning philosphy class, i was really careful in that class to not use conjecture. in my college speech class when we debated i was really careful not to use conjecture.

i have never worried about conjecture on the dis

 

[cdepauli]

ok well, i guess i have illogical reasoning skills. you win?

when i was in college in my logical reasoning philosphy class, i was really careful in that class to not use conjecture. in my college speech class when we debated i was really careful not to use conjecture.

i have never worried about conjecture on the dis

Yes. That. Your posts just seemed to come from a very emotional place (like calling the MIL Bob Cratchit) and it seemed like you were drawing conclusions based on that.

I'd actually just like to hear more from the OP that might show that there is more to the story, because the story that I read makes me think that she is overreacting or is overly sensitive. I'm SURE MIL is a pain, but I'm just trying to determine if it's an annoyance or a pattern of behavior that extends beyond control of the thermostat. I just kind of latched onto your post because it was showing the same type of reaction. I apoligize if I offended. I'm often overly analytical.

 

[RadioNate]

Was the "your nuts" comment a bit daring? Well, yeah. And I probably wouldn't have said it aloud--though, God knows, I would be thinking it!!!

OP--Let this go. It's not worth any angst on your or your DH's parts. You did a nice thing by firing up the fireplace to show that you heard her complaint. She chose to be the drama queen by standing by the heat in a coat indoors!! That's a little nutty in my book I think for Xmas, I'd give DMIL a lovely shaw to help her stay warm during the cold months. In fact, I'd probably keep one on hand for her at my house, so we could always offer her this accommodation. Some people are determined to be hostile in certain situations. This is one of them. Your DMIL has decided that you are "the enemy" and, no doubt, your DH is long suffering and deserving so much more than you can deliver.

Why is she being a drama queen if she is standing by the fire in her coat if she is COLD?

People have said time and time again, come prepared, use a blanket, put on a sweater...well the woman had a coat. She put it on and tried to warm up by the fire and that makes her nuts? Just because the OP wasn't cold and maybe you wouldn't be cold at that temperature but that doesn't mean that the MIL was NOT cold.

When I get cold, really chilled, it is hard to warm up. Just putting on a sweater or something really doesn't help. Is your house damp? I have the worst time in a damp house. My inlaws house is damp so at 72 I'm freezing there, 72 in my mom's house would be warm because it is really dry.

OP - did you offer a hot beverage? That helps me warm up sometimes.

To the PP who asked about shoes? I'm not sure how that is at all related but my guests can do what they are comfortable with. I would never ask a guest to remove their shoes any more than would I ask them to keep them on.

 

[Magic Mom]

MIL came over for dinner the other night and could have won an Academy Award. Everytime she comes over she complains about the temperature. The house is too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter.She keeps hers chilled in the summer and hot in the winter btw. That night it was 55 all day and we had the oven on,- the house was 68-69 degrees. After we ate she starts complaining that she's cold and we should put the heat on. DH turned on the electric fireplace and the living room was very warm. I hear her complaining so I go look and she's standing huddled by the electric fireplace with her coat on. I told her she is crazy that it is not cold. Oops DH was a little annoyed but I couldn't stand to hear it anymore. So was I wrong, should I turn my heat to 74 degrees when shes here and 65 in the summer? It bothering me because I've never said a word back to my MIL in 11 years and Im starting to feel bad...

Maybe she was cold. Some people don't regulate their temperatues as well as othes. If you have a guest in your house wouldn't you want to make them comfortable? It's not like she was asking you to repaint the living room to suit her tastes.

 

[VillageMama]

It's not like she was asking you to repaint the living room to suit her tastes.

Wait until her next visit.

 

[moon]

I don't know if your MIL was truly cold, or if it was just drama (sounds unlikely to me, but )

However, calling her crazy was out of line, and beyond rude.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

So if the MIL asks for the temperature to be raised she is a drama queen who needs to adjust by putting on a coat or sweater. But if she puts on the coat and stands by the fire she gets called crazy, to her face and in front of everyone no less.

If you don't want to raise the temperature to accommodate your guests, then calling them crazy when they put on their coats is just rude.

 

[RadioNate]

So if the MIL asks for the temperature to be raised she is a drama queen who needs to adjust by putting on a coat or sweater. But if she puts on the coat and stands by the fire she gets called crazy, to her face and in front of everyone no less.

If you don't want to raise the temperature to accommodate your guests, then calling them crazy when they put on their coats is just rude.

I think you got it!

 

[mumom95]

MIL came over for dinner the other night and could have won an Academy Award. Everytime she comes over she complains about the temperature. The house is too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter.She keeps hers chilled in the summer and hot in the winter btw. That night it was 55 all day and we had the oven on,- the house was 68-69 degrees. After we ate she starts complaining that she's cold and we should put the heat on. DH turned on the electric fireplace and the living room was very warm. I hear her complaining so I go look and she's standing huddled by the electric fireplace with her coat on. I told her she is crazy that it is not cold. Oops DH was a little annoyed but I couldn't stand to hear it anymore. So was I wrong, should I turn my heat to 74 degrees when shes here and 65 in the summer? It bothering me because I've never said a word back to my MIL in 11 years and Im starting to feel bad...

I try to accomodate my guests when they come to visit. But going to someone's house and complaining about the temperature is very rude. You make dinner for someone and the thank you that you get is them complaining about the temperature of the house. That's simply rude.

You probably shouldn't have told her she is crazy, but I have a feeling that came out because of 11 years of holding back the frustration. So don't beat yourself up over it. If you feel bad, apologize for the comment but let her know you don't appreciate the criticism.

I have no tolerance for people who are constantly rude. We all have our moments and we are all rude from time to time. But some people are rude constantly, and frankly I feel they need to be called out on it and let it be known it won't be tolerated.

 

[SaraJayne]

So if the MIL asks for the temperature to be raised she is a drama queen who needs to adjust by putting on a coat or sweater. But if she puts on the coat and stands by the fire she gets called crazy, to her face and in front of everyone no less.

If you don't want to raise the temperature to accommodate your guests, then calling them crazy when they put on their coats is just rude.

 

[Christine]

So if the MIL asks for the temperature to be raised she is a drama queen who needs to adjust by putting on a coat or sweater. But if she puts on the coat and stands by the fire she gets called crazy, to her face and in front of everyone no less.

If you don't want to raise the temperature to accommodate your guests, then calling them crazy when they put on their coats is just rude.

Good one!

My gut feeling is that the OP doesn't think the house was cold, doesn't think her MIL was *really* cold, and was probably just making it up that she was cold so she could get attention and complain. Why else would you get so whizzed out about it unless you truly didn't believe the woman was cold?

 

[Scurvy]

I don't know if your MIL was truly cold, or if it was just drama (sounds unlikely to me, but )

However, calling her crazy was out of line, and beyond rude.

So if the MIL asks for the temperature to be raised she is a drama queen who needs to adjust by putting on a coat or sweater. But if she puts on the coat and stands by the fire she gets called crazy, to her face and in front of everyone no less.

If you don't want to raise the temperature to accommodate your guests, then calling them crazy when they put on their coats is just rude.

I agree. It doesn't really matter whether she was trying to be dramatic or she was really cold. It was extremely rude to call her crazy. You don't have to adjust the temperature for her if you are convinced she's just complaining for the sake of complaining (though it would be the gracious thing to do), but there's really no excuse for being rude to her in return for her voicing her complaints. And there's really no reason to be rude just because she's standing by the fire wearing her coat. I can see why her son was annoyed.

In response to the OP - You shouldn't necessarily feel bad for not adjusting the temperature to suit her. You know her; we don't. Maybe she is just an impossible to please drama queen. You should, however, feel bad for calling her crazy. There's no excuse for intentionally being rude to someone, even if they are being overly dramatic. Especially since it's entirely possible that she actually was cold. In my opinion you owe her an apology for saying that to her.

 

[dismom2]

Or just suck it up and feel cold for a while. That's what I would do if I was visiting someone's home. It really is an option to suffer for a little bit. We don't have to go around adapting the world to fit our every preference.

But I totally agree with your first paragraph!

Personally, I think the world would be a better place if people cared about others a little more, instead of only thinking of themselves all the time.

There's no harm in making your guests comfortable. OP could have turned the temp back to the cold temp she likes it at after MIL left--- that would have been the considerate thing to do. Life isn't all about me, me, me (at least it shouldn't be).

I definately would have turned the heat up. I don't enjoy being freezing indoors, or being forced to bundle up...which isn't comfortable, nor does it keep your face, ears, nose from still being cold. Not everyone is comfortable being chilly indoors. At least compromise, but if you can't bring yourself to want your guests to be comfortable, at least don't call them names for simply being cold. Just because you are not cold doesn't mean other people aren't. There's nothing bad or wrong about that. People have no control over some things.

It would have been the considerate thing to do to adjust the heat a little. What is the harm in that?

 

[golfgal]

Personally, I think the world would be a better place if people cared about others a little more, instead of only thinking of themselves all the time.

There's no harm in making your guests comfortable. OP could have turned the temp back to the cold temp she likes it at after MIL left--- that would have been the considerate thing to do. Life isn't all about me, me, me (at least it shouldn't be).

I definately would have turned the heat up. I don't enjoy being freezing indoors, or being forced to bundle up...which isn't comfortable, nor does it keep your face, ears, nose from still being cold. Not everyone is comfortable being chilly indoors. At least compromise, but if you can't bring yourself to want your guests to be comfortable, at least don't call them names for simply being cold. Just because you are not cold doesn't mean other people aren't. There's nothing bad or wrong about that. People have no control over some things.

It would have been the considerate thing to do to adjust the heat a little. What is the harm in that?

The point is that it wouldn't matter WHAT she did to the temperature, the MIL would still complain. They did accommodate her wishes by turning on the fireplace-it isn't like they did nothing. We have a gas fireplace and if you sit in front of that it throws off a LOT of heat. It will heat our entire downstairs in no time-we use it in the spring and fall a lot in the mornings to take the chill out of the air when we don't really need the heat on in the rest of the house.

 

[eeyore kelly]

The point is that it wouldn't matter WHAT she did to the temperature, the MIL would still complain. They did accommodate her wishes by turning on the fireplace-it isn't like they did nothing. We have a gas fireplace and if you sit in front of that it throws off a LOT of heat. It will heat our entire downstairs in no time-we use it in the spring and fall a lot in the mornings to take the chill out of the air when we don't really need the heat on in the rest of the house.

OP has clearly stated that MIL goes to another how that is more "extreme" in temp than hers. (68-69 in fall/early winter not extreme in my book) and does not complain.

OP has said that MIL's house temp changes with the seasons, cold in summer/hot in winter.

OP has stated MIL has played this game for 11+ years. The MIL has latched on to this temp thing as a controlling point.