Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[Wishing on a star]

Would you have been okay with your bride demanding things that you couldn't afford, and demanding that your parents pay for it?

Doesn't matter...
AGAIN, if, indeed, this happened as described, the MIL should be speaking with her son... not setting up the DIL, engaging the whole situation, and then completely relishing and enjoying the years and years of being able to rant and rave "well, DIL..(this).. and DIL..(that)..."

 

[mickeywho?]

To the OP - Just a thought, Is it possible that when budget was being discussed regarding your DSs 2nd wedding that it was mentioned to your soon-to-be DIL how much you spent on his first wedding? Maybe she based her own ideas on that (thinking they would get the same) - only to be told her budget was much smaller. This would certainly set anyone up to feeling not welcome and loved. To you it may be simple finances - but to her it would be clear favourtism.
Have you done anything to make it up to her since then or are you still feeling resentful about the elopement?

I think this latest instance was more than likely a miscommunication regarding your dates/times. When DIL asked if you could rearrange so they could still spend as much time with you - you couldn't - so she rearranged to spend as much as they could. She at least tried to be flexible.

Really - I think you're setting yourself up for heartache if you think telling your son how much his "manipulating" wife hurts all of you. Instead maybe you should ask him what you can do to make things easier for both of them to visit you - try to be as flexible as you expect them to be. And don't attack her in anyway.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know, because I loved my husband, I never wanted to put him in the position of having to choose between the 2 women who I knew were most important in his life...me and his mother.

Thankfully, I had an overall good relationship with my late DMIL...she had raised a man, not a boy and understood and encouraged him to stand with me, for the most part. The couple of times that she "slipped" a little in front of him, my husband was man enough (thanks to her upbringing of him) to gently remind her that I was his wife and so of great importance in his life. And yes, my husband spoke to his parents frequently...perhaps not every day, but probably at least 4 or 5 days out of the week. They had a very close relationship. I also wasn't a child bride. I was close to 30 when I married DH and the very few times my DMIL and I had "words" with each other if DH wasn't around, we kept it between ourselves. We were grown women, not young girls, and could fight our own battles. I didn't go running to DH to tell on his mother and she didn't go running to him to tell on me. We had our tussle, figured it out and moved on.

I see a few things here:
~A mother who may not be 100% able to "let go"
~A son who, being on his 2nd wife, may not be too good at being married
~An immature DIL

Bad combination...good luck OP.

 

[Scurvy]

Women often start planning their weddings long before they find the person that they want to have it with. Men start planning it after the ring has been accepted.

The simple fact is that the wedding itself very typically is more important to the bride than the groom. As such, as a groom, it was important to me that our wedding met my bride's expectations. It very much was a day that was to be catered to her, as it should be.

As such, I can totally understand that a MIL who 'suggests' that plans should be changed (for whatever reason) would recieve a special notation in the bride's internal book of angst. This notation is not going to go away simply because the MIL later pretends that everything is fine between them.

Sometimes the women who start planning the wedding before they even have the groom (which I admit seems odd to me; it is the couple's day after all) also do the planning without much thought to budget. I've even seen angry brides here on the Dis who were upset that their parents and/or future inlaws weren't ponying up as much cash as the couple would need to throw the bride's dream wedding. It sounds to me as though some of that might have been going on in this case - that perhaps the daughter-in-law assumed that her future inlaws would be coughing up their portion of the required budget, without ever verifying that with them first. Then when the OP wasn't able to give them as much as they expected, and instead tried to suggest possible ways to cut their budget to something they could afford, the daughter-in-law wasn't happy about it. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation, but if that's what happened then I don't see anything wrong with what the OP did, and plenty wrong with what the bride did.

The only people who have any say in the wedding should be the bride and groom. . . unless they are counting on using other people's money. The couple can't just make their plans and then expect their parents to hand over the expected amount of money. If they are planning on using other people's money, then they need to talk to those people before they make their plans to establish exactly what they can afford.

 

[mumom95]

OP, I have a question:

Is you DIL wonderful for your son, like you said in your first post?

Or is she manipulative like you claimed in a later post?

Because, frankly, she can't be both.

 

[robsmom]

Another AMEN!!!!!
Where is the applause smiley!

I really don't care if the DIL is in fact a horrid green-eyed, bold-faced, monster. (She is not here, and I refuse to make a judgment call.) The OP, however, IS here.... And judging by her posts, I see some really troubling and questionable beliefs, actions, and attitudes.

Like I said in my last post - I don't think it will do any good for any of us to try to help here. The OP, like most people, will simply refuse to see these things in herself. That's just the way it is.

It is really just too sad that instead of beginning to actually talk with her son, and handle these kinds of plans with him in advance, etc... After almost purposefully pinning ALL of this on the DIL, with no explanation why these plans were never discussed between her and her son... (even though she claims that they are in communication almost daily) All of the sudden, she just can't wait to talk to him to 'set him straight'...

Thanks I totally agree. OP- Just for the record, I don't think MIL's are evil. I have a great relationship with my MIL and FIL. We live 1 mile away and they come for dinner every Sunday. We see them other times during the week as well. My husband has told me that if we ever get divorced I can keep his parents and my in-laws would probably agree! I just think you need to see there are two sides to every relationship.

 

[Scurvy]

To the OP - Just a thought, Is it possible that when budget was being discussed regarding your DSs 2nd wedding that it was mentioned to your soon-to-be DIL how much you spent on his first wedding? Maybe she based her own ideas on that (thinking they would get the same) - only to be told her budget was much smaller. This would certainly set anyone up to feeling not welcome and loved. To you it may be simple finances - but to her it would be clear favourtism.
Have you done anything to make it up to her since then or are you still feeling resentful about the elopement?

If the OP's son thought that his parents would give him the same amount for his second wedding as they did for his first one, that's a problem with him, not the OP. They shouldn't have assumed that the OP would give them anything at all. The wedding was the responsibility of the bride and groom, and they shouldn't have counted on anyone else paying for it. The OP doesn't have to make up for the fact that they wrongly assumed than they were entitled to more of her money that she was willing or able to give them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Seems that whether it is the amount of funds available for the wedding, the plans for the recent visit, or anything else... The OP has failed to discuss these things and communicate anything directly to her son.

Communication and assumptions are a two way street.
It takes two.

(Yet the OP then seems eager to blame and villify the DIL when there are the inevitable 'issues')

 

[mickeywho?]

If the OP's son thought that his parents would give him the same amount for his second wedding as they did for his first one, that's a problem with him, not the OP. They shouldn't have assumed that the OP would give them anything at all. The wedding was the responsibility of the bride and groom, and they shouldn't have counted on anyone else paying for it. The OP doesn't have to make up for the fact that they wrongly assumed than they were entitled to more of her money that she was willing or able to give them.

I don't disagree with you. But a young 1st time bride may not see it this way. Especially if her fiance has said - well my parents gave me $x for my first wedding so we can assume about the same for our wedding.
Making it up for her disappointment could simply have been spending as much quality time with her as possible to really work on this new IL relationship. OP has already said how much she loved the first DIL...that feeling may be very obvious.
Sounds like there is a lot of underlying resentments...not a happy close family I would want to be around.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't disagree with you. But a young 1st time bride may not see it this way. Especially if her fiance has said - well my parents gave me $x for my first wedding so we can assume about the same for our wedding.
Making it up for her disappointment could simply have been spending as much quality time with her as possible to really work on this new IL relationship. OP has already said how much she loved the first DIL...that feeling may be very obvious.
Sounds like there is a lot of underlying resentments...not a happy close family I would want to be around.

I agree, if the daughter-in-law was feeling that this wedding wasn't as important to her inlaws as the first one, maybe quality time could have helped. It still could, if that's the issue.

It surprises me that anyone would assume that their parents or inlaws would be giving them any money, though, and especially that they would assume a second wedding would have an equal budget to a first wedding. In my experience, it doesn't usually work that way. The bride was very young and maybe she wasn't well versed enough in etiquette to understand how unreasonable her assumptions were. But by now she really ought to understand and not be hung up on it any longer.

Seems that whether it is the amount of funds available for the wedding, the plans for the recent visit, or anything else... The OP has failed to discuss these things and communicate anything directly to her son.

Communication and assumptions are a two way street.
It takes two.

(Yet she seems eager to blame and villify the DIL when there are the inevitable 'issues')

Now I'm really confused - what makes you think that the OP didn't discuss the funds for the wedding with her son? We know she discussed them with the daughter-in-law, but I haven't seen any indication that she didn't talk to her son about it as well. Did I miss it somewhere?

 

[MaumeeMom]

PARTIAL
"You know how the saying goes... the mother of the groom only has to keep quiet and wear beige "

Low and behold, my sister's dress was a very beautiful and gorgeous creamy beige, with just a hint of sequin-sparkle.
!

Yikes! I look horrible in beige! Good thing that I have a good 10-15 years or more before I have to worry about it.

 

[FayeW]

Doesn't matter...
AGAIN, if, indeed, this happened as described, the MIL should be speaking with her son... not setting up the DIL, engaging the whole situation, and then completely relishing and enjoying the years and years of being able to rant and rave "well, DIL..(this).. and DIL..(that)..."

My question was directed at sbell111, whom I quoted.

 

[FayeW]

Seems that whether it is the amount of funds available for the wedding, the plans for the recent visit, or anything else... The OP has failed to discuss these things and communicate anything directly to her son.

Communication and assumptions are a two way street.
It takes two.

(Yet the OP then seems eager to blame and villify the DIL when there are the inevitable 'issues')

There is absolutely no evidence that the OP and her son did not discuss the funds that were available for his second wedding. We are not privy to the conversations that may have taken place so you are making some mighty big assumptions of your own, and being quite accusatory.

What we do know is that no one is obligated to pay for anyone else's wedding, ever. If the happy couple is unable to pay for the wedding of their dreams on their own, then they can plan a celebration within their own budget. Any financial assistance should be graciously accepted, but not expected.

 

[luvsJack]

This will be my last post on this thread. The rest of you can discuss how horrible I am until the cows come home for all I care.

I do not hate my dil. I do not believe she is perfect, nor is my son. I do not like some of the things she does, but he is the one that has to live with it most of the time. My only issue is when the things she does effects the rest of us. And that is when they visit and she changes things to spend as little time as possible with us.

I have no intention of complaining to my son about his wife. My only intention is to remind him that we cannot all change our plans at a moments notice and that it is not fair to expect us to. If they need to change things, fine; no problem just let us know more than a few days in advance. I have absolutely no intention of even hinting that she is doing this.

I have been around for this girl in several situations that she needed a mother. Her mother was "too busy" to be there for her so (after ds asked me to, I didn't want to over step my bounds) I was. I have told her again and again "we love you and are so glad that ds found you". I would never ever turn my back on her and wish her own parents would act like parents instead of strangers.

She got angry with me because we could not pay for a big expensive wedding for her and her family kept crawfishing on saying they would do it. I wanted to do as much as I could, but it wasn't good enough. She didn't want a "red neck wedding" (her words while sobbing, not mine). Then she started cutting the guest list and doing other things to try and manipulate us. Yes, it should have thrown up red flags to ds; but that has nothing to do with me.

The only reason I talked to her about this visit was because ds was at work until just a day or so before they came down. I do talk to him almost every day that he is home, but I do not talk to him during the time he is at work. I thought I could just talk to her, make sure everything was still on go and had hoped that they could go with my other ds to have pictures made too. Not a major deal if they couldn't, it was just a thought. they couldn't so nothing else was said. When he did get off the rig, he did call and I asked him to let me know when they decided what they were going to do. The next thing I got was a text letting me know when they would be here and that the time had been cut really small because of the need for the day I had planned on. It went from half the weekend to three hours.

I am not trying to control my son and his wife. I do not want to know what goes on in their marriage. That is strictly between them. If he wants to give her everything she wants--great! I think he should. She has spent her life not knowing if her parents love her, now hopefully, she knows that he does; I am glad for her.

All I ever stated that I expect is a little consideration in knowing when they would be visiting and so that we could make plans and spend time with them. I would like to have some time with them not just whatever she can squeeze in between the "important people" to her.

If anyone reading this post has ever posted anything that I judged without reading the whole thing or without really understanding what you were saying: I am sorry. Now I know how it feels and I can promise you that I will never judge anyone that way again. Before some of you pile on, I have not judged my dil without knowing what she has done--she did the things I have said in the past, why would I suddenly assume that she couldn't possibly being doing them now????

 

[luvsJack]

Seems that whether it is the amount of funds available for the wedding, the plans for the recent visit, or anything else... The OP has failed to discuss these things and communicate anything directly to her son.

Communication and assumptions are a two way street.
It takes two.

(Yet the OP then seems eager to blame and villify the DIL when there are the inevitable 'issues')

Sorry, one more post:


FYI: I did discuss all of that with my son.

The amount of the funds for the wedding were discussed with both of them at the same time.

I discussed the plans for the visit with him. Before her (well, way before) and after her. That's how I know she changed them.

I am communicating with him.

 

[luvsJack]

Doesn't matter...
AGAIN, if, indeed, this happened as described, the MIL should be speaking with her son... not setting up the DIL, engaging the whole situation, and then completely relishing and enjoying the years and years of being able to rant and rave "well, DIL..(this).. and DIL..(that)..."

One more:

Why don't you stop assuming you know what I plan to do?

I do not rant and rave about things. I vented on a message board. You seriously need to get a grip.

I am not setting anyone up.

 

[Jennasis]

OP, have you considered changing the thread title to "Message to MY Daughter in Law"?

If she is indeed the master manipulator you infer she is, then all I can say is GET USED TO IT. She isn't going to change. Your son seems to be okay with it. You can be pissed about her till the cows come home, but until your son (her husband) expresses a desire for her to behave differently, it is how it is.

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is what, how, who the DIL is. Don't expect it to change anytime soon. Adjust your expectations and you will be much happier.

Good luck...to all of you.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I have a question:

Is you DIL wonderful for your son, like you said in your first post?

Or is she manipulative like you claimed in a later post?

Because, frankly, she can't be both.

He had a very, very hard time with the divorce. Very, very depressed; it was just really hard on him. When he met this girl, all that changed. It was like the lights came back on in his soul. He really does love her.

He gives her everything she wants. No questions asked. But she expects it from everyone else. She manipulates situations to get what she wants from others (she doesn't acutally have to manipulate him because he gives it to her).

 

[Angelhalo]

My DH's mother passed away 3 years before we married so I only have a FIL, and he is great

He remarried but no one considers her to be a "real" or "valid" part of the family due to a very sordid story. I barely know her and she doesn't seem to care to know me. She's pretty blah anyway so I don't mind.

 

[busyshrew]

I will have a talk with my son. I will do everything I have said I will do. Actually I have already sent him a message to call me when he can talk. I know that he and I need to have a heart to heart. Really I do. I don't want to be angry at her, but it hurts when she does these things. But, I don't feel I can exactly tell him that he needs to make her stop. I will tell him that it is making it really hard on the rest of the family when they do these things and that it causes hurt feelings and that we really, really need to all get on the same page when they come to visit.

OP, I agree with many of the PP's. DON'T DO IT.

You are right - your DIL has behaved in a selfish, immature way. She gives you heartburn and her flightiness drives. you. crazy. I don't think anyone would disagree about that!

But. By making that phonecall, you immediately cross the line into "meddling MIL" territory. And it won't end well. No matter HOW tactful, kind, well-meaning and helpful you want to be, this will rebound on you badly!

It's a complete no-win.

If DS agrees with you and "puts his foot down" with his young wife because of your call, he really WILL be the mommy's boy who couldn't cut the apron strings and sided with his mommy over his wife. Your DIL will resent you and nurse a grudge for a long, long, LONG time.

If DS doesn't agree with you and nothing changes, your DIL will think of you as an untrustworthy MIL, you will have given her further ammunition and justification for her behaviour toward you.... and your DIL will resent you and nurse a grudge for a long, long, LONG time.

Please believe I am not saying this to blame or to judge. But I too, can see where this could go... !!