Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[Wishing on a star]

I am chuckling because I have three kids and I always mixed up what they liked and did not like. Pickles were the #1 screwupAnd I still tell them what they like.............and they still tell me I am wrong. WHat do they know

Too funny!!!
I just wanted to pipe in and point out that my DH is an only child. So, no confusion there. And his mother is definitely one who owns him and knows him better than himself... and is always right... Like you said, what does he know???

I really do hope that things work out well for the OP!

As always, my advice is to communicate and work things out with her son. This will eliminate drama and angst.... If she is angry with DIL, then she should be equally as angry with her son.

When people come on here and complain and rail about their MIL... I always, always, say "You don't have inlaw problems, you have marriage problems".

And, it occurs to me that the same goes for parents railing about their DIL.... The parent and their adult child are both responsible for their own decisions and their relationship. Nobody else.

I am not automatically an in-law basher.
I do not blame issues on the inlaws.
Even though I have had some issues with my inlaws, I have never 'blamed' them.
I have never posted threads about "My horrid MIL'. (simply mentioned when giving advice on threads like this that, yes, I have been-there with similar issues.)

I know full well that if my marriage and relationship are affected by my inlaws and their issues, that this is my husbands responsibility.
In other words, if my husband allows them to overstep and to screw things up, that is HIS fault.
I hold him responsible for his decisions and actions.
Not them.

This is something that I have learned thru 20 years of personal experience.
And, something that I am trying to pass on to others here.

 

[luvsJack]

My MIL has 7 kids. She can tell you the likes and dislikes of each one and any time she fixes a big meal for all, everyone's likes are there and if someone doesn't like something fixed a certain way (like with onions in it), she will fix it both ways! (I on the other hand have only 3 kids and can't keep what they like and don't like straight!!)

She really is a remarkable lady and the cornerstone of Dh's family. She has accepted 6 dil's into her family (plus 2 due to divorces and remarriages). Some of them have fought to be the #1 "daughter" in her life and have tried to break in between her and her only dd (I have never understood that jealousy bit between them) but she manages to keep the peace and keep all the relationships intack.

Comparing her to my former mil is unbelievable.

When dh and I first started dating and I had to meet his family, I was terrified. The only thing I could base my expectations on was my first mil, who hated me just because I had the unmitigated gall to allow her son to love me.

 

[Planogirl]

My mother in law is a nice lady and I nag DH regularly to call her and go see her. We've had no issues over the years.

The only thing that I can't understand is her unwillingness to have a relationship with the in-laws. I've tried... I've written and called and visited but she only really responds to her son and she seems to be that way with all of the in-laws. The phrase "just an in-law" is very apparent in DH's family.

luvsjack, this was an interesting thread and really shows how complicated relationships can be.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The only thing that I can't understand is her unwillingness to have a relationship with the in-laws. I've tried... I've written and called and visited but she only really responds to her son and she seems to be that way with all of the in-laws.

Hey, I think that is fine.
If she is a very nice lady, and you haven't had any issues...
Then, that is Okay.
I don't think that spouses should just have to be taken in as the long lost daughter any more than the inlaws should expect their children's spouses to automatically relate to them as 'parents'. Some people have different levels and limits of reaching out and emotional closeness.

Sure, it might be nice if you were be able to be a little closer... but

Sounds like you have a relationship that works!

 

[Planogirl]

Hey, I think that is fine.
If she is a very nice lady, and you haven't had any issues...
Then, that is Okay.
I don't think that spouses should just have to be taken in as the long lost daughter any more than the inlaws should expect their children's spouses to automatically relate to them as 'parents'. Some people have different levels and limits of reaching out and emotional closeness.

Sure, it might be nice if you were be able to be a little closer... but

Sounds like you have a relationship that works!

Yes, it's OK. It's just weird when I write her and she calls DH in response. But I'm not upset about it.

 

[need2cruise]

Like I posted before--I have an awful MIL to deal with-such is life.

But regardless---whether its an in-law, cousin, auntie, friend, etc........when someone makes plans........stick to them. I think it is the RUDEST thing when someone changes plans when it's not a result of an emergency, but merely because something better came up. Life is BUSY BUSY anymore for everyone, and I'm sorry, but if I take the time to set aside my schedule for a visit, or whatever it is, then have the decency to do the same. Yes-if an emergency arises--obviously plans have to change---but there was no emergency here--I doubt anyone was hurt, sick, etc---it was a matter of wanting to do something different so plans changed....sorry--that is RUDE!!!! It rates in my book the same as RSVPing to go to an event-then changing plans last min because something more fun came up. Rude and inthoughtful for others. But--that seems to be society anymore--it's a "me, me, me" focused-world.

 

[sbell111]

For real! Why is that the hardest thing in the world for a man to learn?!??

Because it is counterintuitive.

...my MIL lives on another continent

That must be awesome.

But regardless---whether its an in-law, cousin, auntie, friend, etc........when someone makes plans........stick to them. I think it is the RUDEST thing when someone changes plans when it's not a result of an emergency, but merely because something better came up.

I think that people often miscommunicate their plans. They attempt to answer the 'when' question with their best guess, but the reciever hears it as firm plans. This leads to angst down the road as we've seen in this thread.

It's best to just keep family plans flexible. That way, no one gets their feelings hurt.

We all need to learn to roll with it when plans change.

If the OP had gone with the DIL's new dates, she would have likely had more time with them. Sure, everyone wouldn't be all together for the entire time because of other commitments, but that's not such a bad thing.

When we have family visit, I rarely take off work. We get them set up in the house and toss them the keys to a spare car. They can go do other stuff while I'm at work and then we have the evenings and/or weekends together. A bonus is that no one gets sick of anyone else.

 

[cheermom1]

Here is an ex. of plans change and for christmas ...anyway my MIL rented a cabin for all us (all her kids/spouses and grand kids) we were supposed to stay 2 nights ..however my dh had to work one of those days due to weather..than the youngest ended up having to work the other day of the weekend than 2 of the kids didn't get to even come ...so it ended up that dh didn't get to see any of his sisters ..2 didn't get to come and the other left before we got there...

sooo what did MIL do? she had christmas with each of us when we could do it ..it was sad they couldn't get together even though it was planned well in advance but life happened and it was the way it was ...MIL told me later that she had so much fun and is planning on doing it again the next year and hopefully life doesn't happen and we can all be together...

 

[lillygator]

it kind of struck me as odd, that all the other family had to wait to have xmas..or maybe they celebrated again??

 

[luvsJack]

it kind of struck me as odd, that all the other family had to wait to have xmas..or maybe they celebrated again??

We didn't wait. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas morning with dd, younger ds, his dfinance, and dgd. And our normal things with my inlaws and my family. Younger ds and df and baby ended up spending time at her mom's, her dad's, my mom's, dh's mom's, my house, and her grandparents all within two days--with much less drama than this. But that's just the difference in them. These two just go with the flow and wherever the flow may take them. But then the difference in people is what make life interesting. And we should all do our best to just accept people as they are.

As for taking off work, if Dh doesn't take off work, he doesn't see them. He travels all over the country so its not like he will be home that night or afternoon or something. If he still worked locally, that would be totally different and would get rid of a bit of the problem.


Like I have said, this was something that was planned ahead. They both knew that we were planning to have the family together and even said that they were looking forward to us all being together. I was even asked about "exchanging gifts" because they didn't want to put anyone on the spot or leave anyone out. We talked about it more than once. Nothing changed until I talked to her less than a week before. And none of us would have been there on the day she wanted unless we changed our plans (i am just not sure how else to explain that) that had been arranged around the time frame I was given.

It doesn't matter, its done and over with. I am going to do my best to fix whatever issues there are between me and dil and to make sure there are no problems with my relationship with my son. No matter what happens, I will know that I did my best to keep it together.

BTW: just an example of us talking every day. He forwarded me a text about the Saints, I texted him and asked "did you make it home ok?" He texted back and said "finally, we are wiped out and glad to be away from the drama with her family". I said "well now you can get some rest". He texted back and said "thank goodness" End of discussion. That's the short little conversations we have most days.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!! did you say Saints!!!!

Now we can really have a disagreement...

Go Peyton!
Go Colts!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, and it does sound like your DIL and her family must be all about the drama.

Sounds like everyone is figuring this out now, and I think your son (and hopefully your DIL) will begin to sort things out and learn to try to keep things separate between the two families and not let the drama interfere with you guys more than necessary.

They are young.

Give it time.

I'll bet these situations begin to abate/improve!

 

[luvsJack]

OMG!!! did you say Saints!!!!

Now we can really have a disagreement...

Go Peyton!
Go Colts!

Who Dat!!

Actually ds is the Saints fanatic in the family. He started watching the Saints play when he was about 4 years old and has been a die hard fan since. This season has him absolutely ecstatic!

 

[sbell111]

We didn't wait. We celebrated Christmas on Christmas morning with dd, younger ds, his dfinance, and dgd. And our normal things with my inlaws and my family. Younger ds and df and baby ended up spending time at her mom's, her dad's, my mom's, dh's mom's, my house, and her grandparents all within two days--with much less drama than this. But that's just the difference in them. These two just go with the flow and wherever the flow may take them. But then the difference in people is what make life interesting. And we should all do our best to just accept people as they are.

As for taking off work, if Dh doesn't take off work, he doesn't see them. He travels all over the country so its not like he will be home that night or afternoon or something. If he still worked locally, that would be totally different and would get rid of a bit of the problem.


Like I have said, this was something that was planned ahead. They both knew that we were planning to have the family together and even said that they were looking forward to us all being together. I was even asked about "exchanging gifts" because they didn't want to put anyone on the spot or leave anyone out. We talked about it more than once. Nothing changed until I talked to her less than a week before. And none of us would have been there on the day she wanted unless we changed our plans (i am just not sure how else to explain that) that had been arranged around the time frame I was given.

It doesn't matter, its done and over with. I am going to do my best to fix whatever issues there are between me and dil and to make sure there are no problems with my relationship with my son. No matter what happens, I will know that I did my best to keep it together.

BTW: just an example of us talking every day. He forwarded me a text about the Saints, I texted him and asked "did you make it home ok?" He texted back and said "finally, we are wiped out and glad to be away from the drama with her family". I said "well now you can get some rest". He texted back and said "thank goodness" End of discussion. That's the short little conversations we have most days.

It looks like you could learn something from younger DS and DF.

 

[luvsJack]

It looks like you could learn something from younger DS and DF.

Or maybe my other two could? I don't know any other way to explain it to you. I made our plans based on what I was told they wanted to do and then we went forward with living our lives. Yes, I could have changed my (as in ME--this one person) plans, but I was not the only person involved.

Maybe my mother should have not visited her sister, my son should have cancelled his show (that he has a responsiblity to), or my daughter should have cancelled her plans or we should have cancelled dh's father's birthday dinner; but why is it our responbility to change OUR plans when she (or they, whichever) is the one that decided to do things differently. They are two people that were doing the same thing--we are 7 people that were all doing different things. This was a FAMILY gathering, just not much point in them coming here and being here alone.

Besides, as I have repeatedly said this is not the first time this has been done. I have changed plans, cancelled plans and everything else. Maybe its time for someone else to give for awhile??

.

 

[sbell111]

Or maybe my other two could? I don't know any other way to explain it to you. I made our plans based on what I was told they wanted to do and then we went forward with living our lives. Yes, I could have changed my (as in ME--this one person) plans, but I was not the only person involved.

Maybe my mother should have not visited her sister, my son should have cancelled his show (that he has a responsiblity to), or my daughter should have cancelled her plans or we should have cancelled dh's father's birthday dinner; but why is it our responbility to change OUR plans when she (or they, whichever) is the one that decided to do things differently. They are two people that were doing the same thing--we are 7 people that were all doing different things. This was a FAMILY gathering, just not much point in them coming here and being here alone.

Besides, as I have repeatedly said this is not the first time this has been done. I have changed plans, cancelled plans and everything else. Maybe its time for someone else to give for awhile??

.

1) Your son and daughter in law were flexible. They were going to come on totally different days but instead came on the day that you required.

2) Expecting others to be flexible instead of you is no way to argue that you are flexible.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Besides, as I have repeatedly said this is not the first time this has been done. I have changed plans, cancelled plans and everything else. Maybe its time for someone else to give for awhile??

Ohhh, if this is the case, then definitely you are right!

However, remember to be VERY diplomatic about how you handle things like this... Refrain from blaming/railing on DIL.... Finalize things with your son directly, and go from there.

Remember, you can not change or control the attitudes and actions of others... But, you are responsible for your REaction.

For Example: I wouldn't engage/negotiate/complain/etc...

Very simply - "Based on the existing plans, we will all be here at this and such date and time.... It will be WONDERFUL if you can make it!..."
Very simple... End of story.... Put a damper on the 'drama'.

Let them, note: THEM, (remember, not just your DIL, but YOUR SON as well) make their decisions, and then live with the consequences.

I would imagine that after your son misses out on big plans again, he will become a little more proactive against letting his wife pull off such manipulations.

Just give it a little time!!!

 

[padams]

As I suggested earlier, OP, it's obvious that you should quit making plans. Don't plan who they visit when. Don't plan meals. Don't take off from work. Then, you won't be disappointed when the plans change, and you won't alienate your DDil and DS by being MIL the Martyr. If they come to town, great. If you get to see them, count your blessings.

 

[sbell111]

... I would imagine that after your son misses out on big plans again, he will become a little more proactive against letting his wife pull off such manipulations.

Assuming that he has great interest in these 'big plans'.

 

[Wishing on a star]

1) Your son and daughter in law were flexible. They were going to come on totally different days but instead came on the day that you required.

2) Expecting others to be flexible instead of you is no way to argue that you are flexible.

As everyone knows, I am not 100% supportive of the OP in some of her existing beliefs and attitudes.

However, in this case, it seems apparant that these plans were indeed not able to be made 'flexible' for many of the family members involved.

I do think that the OP has tried to be flexible in the past, and very possibly, this has set a precedent for her DIL to feel like she can just 'expect' them to be flexible to accomodate HER.

I really am afraid that on this one point, the OP is kind of validated in her feelings.

Yes, I think the OP might need to adjust her expectations. (let go)
Yes, I think the OP might need to adjust her communications and her relationship with her son.

But, no, that does not mean that she, and the rest of the family, should be expected to have such a level of 'flexibility'.