Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[Wishing on a star]

Assuming that he has great interest in these 'big plans'.

I was thinking the same way....
I was thinking that the OP was under her myopic assumption that her boy wanted to spend the whole weekend there and was 'upset' that he couldn't, when that probably wasn't true. I had actually posted that I suspected that what he was upset about was 'disappointing' the expectations of his mommie.

But, now I am re-thinking that just a little bit.

While I think the above is probably true.. And while I don't think any grown man should be a Mama's Boy, I do think he probably does have meaningful relationships with his family, and I am beginning to think that he did want to share a little more time with them.

I do continue to think that her 'expectations' of her son could border on him being a 'mama's boy'. But, that is a different topic. That is for her and her son to figure out. Not somebody on a chat board who has never met either of them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As I suggested earlier, OP, it's obvious that you should quit making plans. Don't plan who they visit when. Don't plan meals. Don't take off from work. Then, you won't be disappointed when the plans change, and you won't alienate your DDil and DS by being MIL the Martyr. If they come to town, great. If you get to see them, count your blessings.

Well said!!!!

 

[luvsJack]

Assuming that he has great interest in these 'big plans'.

Do you just try and be obstinate or is it by accident?

I have explained this every way that I possibly can and you just seemed determined that it is not the way I say.

In your world all mil's are bad and all dil's are perfect and mil's should be sitting on pins and needles until the princess desends. Right? Sorry, you need to join us IRL, because it ain't gonna happen that way.

Look, my son was looking forward to being with his family. I talk to him enough to still be able to detect the excitement in his voice when he is talking about something. (maybe you don't talk to your family, but I do talk to mine and actually listen). I also heard the difference in his voice when he had to tell me that things were changed. Its not the end of the world, they will be back and from the way he acted I do believe he wil see to it that things are different.

I did not "require" anything. I was flexible up to a point, but when trying to plan something for the family there reaches a point that you can no longer be as flexible. I asked "what day" and was told that day. Then was told what days, times and such they would be here and when they would be leaving. (I did not set anything) Then I just sent a message to make sure they were still coming and was THEN told of the change. By that time we had already made plans.



You still do not explain to me wth I am supposed to do about the rest of the family that had other things planned. Or maybe you are saying that I should have changed my plans and stayed home alone while the rest of the family went ahead and then they would have only seen me??

 

[luvsJack]

As I suggested earlier, OP, it's obvious that you should quit making plans. Don't plan who they visit when. Don't plan meals. Don't take off from work. Then, you won't be disappointed when the plans change, and you won't alienate your DDil and DS by being MIL the Martyr. If they come to town, great. If you get to see them, count your blessings.

That is exactly what dh and I have decided to do. If I know that they are coming and if they ask to stay with mom or me, I will make sure there is food in the house for them but nothing further than that.

But, let me be clear, I am not now nor have I ever tried to be a "martyr". I just think common courtesy dictates that if a person is making plans for a gathering basically in your honor that you at least owe said person the courtesy of letting them know when you decide to not be there for the gathering.

Nor, will I "count my blessings if I get to see them". If they spend a weekend here and do not make time for his family, their next visit can be spent at a motel. If we mean that little (which I know better and am well aware that we mean a lot to him) then we aren't offereing free room and board.

 

[luvsJack]

UPDATE:

Just got off the phone with DS. Apparently little brother has been talking to him and let him know how peeved everyone is getting about the things that are going on.

He said that he was a bit out done with dil and they had already talked some on the way home. After talking to his brother (they must have talked last night, younger ds had not mentioned it), they had another long talk about their visits and the way things have been going.

He admits that he was taking the easy way out and not saying anything and that he has told her that he didn't feel that was fair to her or him. If he is unhappy it needs to be said. And he wants more time to spend with us when they visit and for us to be able to plan more family things when they come down. He has really been missing his cousins and aunts and uncles from my family and dh's and would love for us to plan a huge family cook out this summer when they visit or maybe a weekend at the lake.

He also told me that she does have some issues with me and dh , but they are her issues and he wants me and her to talk about it. He has told her that whatever the problem is, it is not between me and him and he will not be put in the middle. I told him that whatever her feelings are that I will be more than willing to meet her halfway and we will work whatever it is out.

I did tell him that I don't expect them to spend every minute of every visit with us and that I hope he remembers that she still needs time with her family, too. He said that right now they are talking about trying to plan an even number of visits a year and spend half with us and half with her family. I think that sounds like a great idea and will keep them from being so stretched when they do visit.

We talked a lot more and then she got on the phone and she said that she really wanted to make sure she said everything and said it in the right way and that she wanted to email me or to write a letter about everything. I told her that would be fine and I looked forward to hearing from her and for us to move forward as a family. We both said that we wanted to work this out and be able to be a closer family.

So, it does look like everything has come to a head and now things can move in a more positive direction.

 

[TimeforMe]

OP--it sounds like things are moving in a positive direction and that your intuition was right. I am sorry others have been so harsh--I really don't get it, but whatever. I think the problem is that other people bring their own experiences into the mix (which is totally understandable) and are not always subjective about things.

To me, your DIL sounds like a piece of work. It is up to your DS, however, to handle it and it sounds like he took a step in the right direction. The MIL/DIL relationship is one of life's hardest, I think. Hopefully one day she will mature to the point where she realizes that your DS is the man she married due in large part to his upbringing. to you. Hang in there.

 

[luvsJack]

OP--it sounds like things are moving in a positive direction and that your intuition was right. I am sorry others have been so harsh--I really don't get it, but whatever. I think the problem is that other people bring their own experiences into the mix (which is totally understandable) and are not always subjective about things.

To me, your DIL sounds like a piece of work. It is up to your DS, however, to handle it and it sounds like he took a step in the right direction. The MIL/DIL relationship is one of life's hardest, I think. Hopefully one day she will mature to the point where she realizes that your DS is the man she married due in large part to his upbringing. to you. Hang in there.

Thank you.

 

[PelletierBears]

Wow, this has been quite a thread! I was getting frustrated for you with some of the replies! Not that everyone should agree with you but... sheesh.

Sounds like communication is open and that is a good thing

 

[luvsJack]

Wow, this has been quite a thread! I was getting frustrated for you with some of the replies! Not that everyone should agree with you but... sheesh.

Sounds like communication is open and that is a good thing

You are so right. Open communication is the most important thing. I think I have definitely learned that lesson here myself.