Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[luvsJack]

Why were you needing to "change things around"??? It seems you are the inflexible MIL...............you say you CAN'T visit them, and now I am getting that they didn't spend the night with you because you couldn't rearrange things?? What things?? I am thinking you are creating your own "get what you give" scenario. The reason there are 18 pages (and counting) of posts is because most of us DIL's know full well all of warning signs and of difficult to impossible MIL's. You see, most of us came into our marriages with lovely visions of a new extended family and a MIL that will love us so much......................then comes the ugly, horrible truth. The deviance, the lies, the manipulation........then her DH finally sees it, witnesses it, experiences it.... and he is shocked that his mother can be this way to his new wife..... and then the distance begins. So my advice to you would be to get to know her, see all of the wonderful things in her that he sees, be a role model, and advocate, a confidante, her best friend. And be sincere-no talking about her, no judging her. IT WILL DO YOU NO GOOD. Change your behavior for that is the ONLY thing you CAN control.

So, I should have made my mother cancel her visit to her sister, I should have cancelled our attending my FIL's birthday dinner, made my other son cancel their appointment to get pictures made with the baby and cancel his wrestling show. And dd should have cancelled all of her plans. All of this to suit one dil?? Really? Are we not allowed lives too?

I didn't say I CAN"T visit them. I said we have been trying to find a time that me and DH can be off and DS (the one that we are visiting, not the one that lives here since some cannot keep that straight) is home.

 

[2MuchOhana]

To the OP:

I understand that you are frustrated and feel the need to vent. I will pray that this situation can be resolved peacefully for the sake of everyone involved.

I know all to well the power of the internet and the written word. Unless your intent for your son and DIL to find out how you feel this way; it's best to keep it offline! Things have an way of coming to light and it's better if it comes from you directly not through an online message board or email.

If you have issues then you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with both of them together to discuss it. If not face to face due to lack of time together than via the phone. A letter and email can and often will be taken the wrong way on both sides! It's not doing any good keeping your mouth shut to those that truly matter; especially when you come here to share with the entire world! We are not the ones that truly matter and we can't change your situation. That is something you need to work out with them.

Best of Luck to you.

 

[lillygator]

So, I should have made my mother cancel her visit to her sister, I should have cancelled our attending my FIL's birthday dinner, made my other son cancel their appointment to get pictures made with the baby and cancel his wrestling show. And dd should have cancelled all of her plans. All of this to suit one dil?? Really? Are we not allowed lives too?

I didn't say I CAN"T visit them. I said we have been trying to find a time that me and DH can be off and DS (the one that we are visiting, not the one that lives here since some cannot keep that straight) is home.

no you shouldn't have made anyone cancel. All you had to say to DIL was I thought we discussed this as x date and that is when everyone is planning on coming over. I really hope you guys can make it. I really doubt she was going tit for tat with only staying 3 hours...3 hours is a LONG time when you are around extended family. I don't see the huge issue of them not staying over though....

what was visitation like pior to him being married (when single) and was he still a good distance away or in town?

 

[Nancyg56]

Faye- that is how I read the issue too. I know that there will always be misunderstandings but this did not sound like that. It sounded like the DIL made changes adn did nto feel that her husbands family mattered adn the Op was hurt. I know that most like to view a MIL as the interloper in a marraige but I never understood that. My nephew married a young woman who refuses to have anything to do with our family unless it absolutely cannot be avoided. Or she needs something. No one has done anything to her and honestly, my Sis IL is the least confrontational woman I know. Sarah just "hates" the family. No one will say anything becasue we choose not to make more stress for my nephew but privately we all wonder how long he is gojng to put up with this nasty behavior.

She generally will make other plans to avoid any function we have and will simply change plans already made if something better comes up. My Sis IL has a good relationship with her son and seldom says anything to let him know how hurt she is but on the rare occasions she voices it to one of use we listen. It seems to me that the OP is also just voicing her hurt. I have no idea who is at fault in that marraige but i can tell you that I do believe that there are some women who totally disregard their husbands family. My nephew is married to one of them. My son was dating one as well. I do not get that.

I also get teh spite int eh wedding plans. Nephews Bride invited up to 4th cousins on her side of the family. DB and DSIL had a very limited amount of people they were allowed to invite. They also were given a bill that they were responsible for but were not allowed any input in the plans. They paid for teh rehearsal dinner but were not allowed to choose who was invited or where it would be held. DB had offered to pay for additional guests but was told that they could not. It would "ruin" the seating plan. Apparently the tables needed to be perfect for pictures. The one time Sis Il questioned a choice the bride was making she was told exactly where she stood. Now there is a child and the stakes are even higher for my Sis IL. I know nephew is having a hard time, what he tolerated before the baby is not so acceptable now but there you go.

There are women like this and their behavior is hurtful. I can see no harm in a woman posting here and just looking for a little support. Sometimes talking it out with us may make a painful situation easier to accept.

 

[luvsJack]

Ouch. I was really with you for 19 pages. I do think you need to have a heart to heart with your son and your DIL but particularly with your son. The fact that you know (or think you know) everything about the internal workings of your son's marriage and the fact that you think you know what he should do with his life better than he does is just not a good sign of a healthy relationship. He is an adult, if you treat him like a child you will be pushing him away. I know you are not trying to do that and that you just love him and your DIL. I believe you, but you need to be careful that you are not over stepping.

Oh, jeez. I know that this girl will manipulate any situation so that she can have her way. I do not know all the inner workings of their relationship nor do I know what he should do with his life.

I am talking about this one thing. Not the grand scheme of what is going on in thier lives.

How do I know she manipulates? Because she has done it over and over and over. She throws little hissy fits. She tried oh, so hard to manipulate us into giving them money for their wedding, money I could not afford. She manipulated my mother into feeling guilty for asking for them to pay half the utilities when they lived there (ds overruled that one, but it doesn't change what she did)



I will have a talk with my son. I will do everything I have said I will do. Actually I have already sent him a message to call me when he can talk. I know that he and I need to have a heart to heart. Really I do. I don't want to be angry at her, but it hurts when she does these things. But, I don't feel I can exactly tell him that he needs to make her stop. I will tell him that it is making it really hard on the rest of the family when they do these things and that it causes hurt feelings and that we really, really need to all get on the same page when they come to visit.

 

[lillygator]

I agree about being able to vent and looking for support. But is the OP truly being objectionable? The son is still painted as perfect as is all their family and evil DIL is not letting him visit. At first, the DIL was loved but as the thread goes on, it's obvious the feelings there and I am sure that comes across during the visits.

The visit happened. Period. and on the day OP originally planned.
Does your son tell you that she says she doesn't want to visit or anything?

 

[luvsJack]

She would have needed to "change things around" to meet the DIL's new date. She couldn't do that because it wasn't just her schedule or her husband's schedule...there is also another son with a family of his own as well as a daughter and a grandmother. All of those people had made arrangements to celebrate the family "Christmas" based on the date that was originally given by the DIL. It was only ONE WEEK BEFORE THE VISIT that the DIL said "OOPS, I thought it was a different day". So rather than change the plans the she had made AFTER SHE GAVE HER MIL A DATE TO VISIT, she expected all of those people to change their schedules AGAIN to accommodate her new date. When they couldn't she said okay, we'll do the original date, but now you only get 3 hours with us instead of a day and half.

Clearly, she should have canceled whatever earth shattering plans she had made after the fact and not disappointed ALL of her DH's family on their family Christmas! I mean seriously, how hard would it be to say "Sorry, I got my dates mixed up and we have already committed to DH's family to celebrate Christmas with them since we couldn't go in December". Given that they live 3 states away and only get up there a couple of times a year, I am sure that everyone would understand that her husband having an opportunity to celebrate with his family should trump casual plans with friends or family they have been able to visit with more frequently.

She wanted to do what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it, and sadly, her husband caved and disappointed his family again.

OP, if you don't feel like stressing your son out by calling him on the carpet for this, maybe your other son could offer him some "brotherly advice". It might mean more coming from him in a "Dude, give your head a shake..." kinda way.

Thank you. I was beginning to think I was posting in Latin or something.

 

[sbell111]

Here's what I know from getting married: The couple decides on all the particulars, not the family of the couple.

 

[handinpocket]

Oh, jeez. I know that this girl will manipulate any situation so that she can have her way. I do not know all the inner workings of their relationship nor do I know what he should do with his life.

I am talking about this one thing. Not the grand scheme of what is going on in thier lives.

How do I know she manipulates? Because she has done it over and over and over. She throws little hissy fits. She tried oh, so hard to manipulate us into giving them money for their wedding, money I could not afford. She manipulated my mother into feeling guilty for asking for them to pay half the utilities when they lived there (ds overruled that one, but it doesn't change what she did)



I will have a talk with my son. I will do everything I have said I will do. Actually I have already sent him a message to call me when he can talk. I know that he and I need to have a heart to heart. Really I do. I don't want to be angry at her, but it hurts when she does these things. But, I don't feel I can exactly tell him that he needs to make her stop. I will tell him that it is making it really hard on the rest of the family when they do these things and that it causes hurt feelings and that we really, really need to all get on the same page when they come to visit.

Oh sheesh, your horns are showing. It is becoming more and more apparent that you strongly dislike this girl and see your son as some kind of martyr. I feel sorry for this 22 year old girl, she has a long road ahead of her.

 

[lillygator]

I will have a talk with my son. I will do everything I have said I will do. Actually I have already sent him a message to call me when he can talk. I know that he and I need to have a heart to heart. Really I do. I don't want to be angry at her, but it hurts when she does these things. But, I don't feel I can exactly tell him that he needs to make her stop. I will tell him that it is making it really hard on the rest of the family when they do these things and that it causes hurt feelings and that we really, really need to all get on the same page when they come to visit.

I would so not be having this talk.
She sounds like she is a very young 22...and needs some maturing. But I don't see how not visiting 12 times a year is hurting the family. Why does all teh family all need to be on the same page as far as that goes? his life is different from your other son, etc.

 

[lillygator]

Here's what I know from getting married: The couple decides on all the particulars, not the family of the couple.

exactly......geez.....that is scary actually. Who makes the terms?

 

[FayeW]

Here's what I know from getting married: The couple decides on all the particulars, not the family of the couple.

Yes, but once the couple has decided on the particulars, and conveyed those particulars to all the relevant parties, who then make their plans and arrangements, sometimes at great cost or inconvenience, based on those particulars, it is extremely rude, selfish and in poor taste to then change those particulars at the last minute (barring and emergency or illness, of course).

 

[sbell111]

Yes, but once the couple has decided on the particulars, and conveyed those particulars to all the relevant parties, who then make their plans and arrangements, sometimes at great cost or inconvenience, based on those particulars, it is extremely rude, selfish and in poor taste to then change those particulars at the last minute (barring and emergency or illness, of course).

I agree. No changes to a wedding should be made after the invitations go out. Prior to the invites being mailed, anything goes.

 

[2MuchOhana]

Nacyg56 There are women like this and their behavior is hurtful. I can see no harm in a woman posting here and just looking for a little support. Sometimes talking it out with us may make a painful situation easier to accept.

The harm is that if her DS or DIL should see this it could make her situation worse. Trust me, when I say there is a chance that will happen. The fallout this could cause could be far worse than a little support she may find here.
The people she needs to talk to her are both her Son and her DIL!

 

[FayeW]

I agree. No changes to a wedding should be made after the invitations go out. Prior to the invites being mailed, anything goes.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were talking about the wedding.

My take on that was that the bride wanted her fiance's parents to pony up an amount of money that she had predetermined and was unhappy when it was more than they could afford. I thought I read that the couple was offered a lessor amount of money for the wedding, but the bride did not want to change any of her plans to allow for the smaller budget.

I did not read it as the groom's parents had made any demands on the type, style or size of the wedding. More like "this is what we can afford. If you can cut this or change that, then it should be enough" but the bride refused to cut or change anything other than eliminating some of the guests from the groom's side. The groom disagreed with that strongly, so they eloped.

Sadly, what I have observed in my years of being on the DIS, is that brides who are encouraged to believe that the wedding is all about them and they must have everything the way they wants it on their special day turn into wives who believe that they are the only person in the marriage and they must have everything they way they want in the marriage, as well. It's one thing to cater to a "princess" on her wedding day but I am sure it is quite another to be married to one.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The fact that you know (or think you know) everything about the internal workings of your son's marriage and the fact that you think you know what he should do with his life better than he does is just not a good sign of a healthy relationship. He is an adult.....

Another AMEN!!!!!
Where is the applause smiley!

I really don't care if the DIL is in fact a horrid green-eyed, bold-faced, monster. (She is not here, and I refuse to make a judgment call.) The OP, however, IS here.... And judging by her posts, I see some really troubling and questionable beliefs, actions, and attitudes.

Like I said in my last post - I don't think it will do any good for any of us to try to help here. The OP, like most people, will simply refuse to see these things in herself. That's just the way it is.

It is really just too sad that instead of beginning to actually talk with her son, and handle these kinds of plans with him in advance, etc... After almost purposefully pinning ALL of this on the DIL, with no explanation why these plans were never discussed between her and her son... (even though she claims that they are in communication almost daily) All of the sudden, she just can't wait to talk to him to 'set him straight'...

 

[mykidsand_i]

I understand the need to vent- I've done it before myself. but I think it's the title "message to ALL DAUGHTERS IN LAW" that really has people mad here. I've said before, every situation is different. I, myself, believe that I have the MIL from the firey pits below! And, she is a very bad MIL, but just to bug her- I put on my happy face, go have dinner with them and deal with her with as much respect as I can...NOW, what she would say, would be different. She could complain about me as well. She has done many things to my husband and myself that have made us SO ANGRY with her that SHE is the one pushing us away from her.

I believe if she were to talk to my husband about how she is getting 'unfair treatment' in any way, HE would be the one push her away even more. He knows that his wife and kids come first. I know that the OP is not saying that she should come first, she's never said that. BUT, I also believe there are two sides to every 'situation' and the OP's DIL may believe that she has a bad MIL- I've said before- IT TAKES WORK FROM BOTH SIDES to make these kind of relationships sucessful.

OP, I do understand that you feel like you're getting disrespected, and I feel for you- but you have to understand that you may not be the only one who feels that way. Saying something to your son may just make him upset with YOU, When people are mad about a situation- they seem to be on the 'defense' constantly and trying to blame others for the problem. Putting blame on others isn't going to help, because it only causes more anger.

Also, if you spoke to your son about this and he tells his wife- how will that help your situation? My husband tells me everything, because he respects me. His mother complains about me to him and when he talks to me or tells me about it, I am only more upset and mad at her. It makes the situation worse. Just before we got married, we were in a marriage prep course and our great teacher said that "Communitaction between a husband and wife should always be open. Nothing should be kept from eachother. NO ONE...no mother, no friend, no relative, NO ONE should expect to tell one spouse something and make sure they keep it a secret from the other spouse...NO ONE has that right." There is a reason why he chose to marry the person he did. And if he chooses to have a good marriage with her- he needs to put her first. In order to do that there are times when parents are let down. It stinks, but it's the truth. He chose her, and if you compain to him about her- you'll regret it. I know you will. My MIL has LOST 2 of her sons that way! She has complained to EVERY ONE OF HER SONS ABOUT EVERY SINGLE DIL she has and now she's LONELY. No one wants to spend time with her over the holidays, no one wants to be around her. It's not because she's a bad person, it's because she's caused stress in her sons families because of her complaints that are only partially valid.

 

[sbell111]

... Sadly, what I have observed in my years of being on the DIS, is that brides who are encouraged to believe that the wedding is all about them and they must have everything the way they wants it on their special day turn into wives who believe that they are the only person in the marriage and they must have everything they way they want in the marriage, as well. It's one thing to cater to a "princess" on her wedding day but I am sure it is quite another to be married to one.

Women often start planning their weddings long before they find the person that they want to have it with. Men start planning it after the ring has been accepted.

The simple fact is that the wedding itself very typically is more important to the bride than the groom. As such, as a groom, it was important to me that our wedding met my bride's expectations. It very much was a day that was to be catered to her, as it should be.

As such, I can totally understand that a MIL who 'suggests' that plans should be changed (for whatever reason) would recieve a special notation in the bride's internal book of angst. This notation is not going to go away simply because the MIL later pretends that everything is fine between them.

 

[FayeW]

Women often start planning their weddings long before they find the person that they want to have it with. Men start planning it after the ring has been accepted.

The simple fact is that the wedding itself very typically is more important to the bride than the groom. As such, as a groom, it was important to me that our wedding met my bride's expectations. It very much was a day that was to be catered to her, as it should be.

As such, I can totally understand that a MIL who 'suggests' that plans should be changed (for whatever reason) would recieve a special notation in the bride's internal book of angst. This notation is not going to go away simply because the MIL later pretends that everything is fine between them.

Would you have been okay with your bride demanding things that you couldn't afford, and demanding that your parents pay for it?

 

[Wishing on a star]

When my son is married, as the MIL, I, totally, completely, and in every way, will defer to the occasion as the brides special day. I believe that this is why custom dictates that the bride and her family pay for most of the actual wedding. (which I will have absolutely NO problem contributing as well)

When I attended my nephew's wedding as a special guest of my sister, the mother of the groom, I had to crack up when some wonderfully nice, and very funny, ladies that we ran into said "You know how the saying goes... the mother of the bride only has to keep quiet and wear beige "

Low and behold, my sister's dress was a very beautiful and gorgeous creamy beige, with just a hint of sequin-sparkle.

It was a WONDERFUL occasion that we will remember forever!!!