Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[sharbear]

luvsjack, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It's so hard to love your kids and want to spend time with them and for it to be stressful.

I just want you to know that my SIL does these things also. She
really is a nice person and we all like her but she drives my MIL and I crazy.

It does not matter the reasons that she does these things but she will make plans and change them. She won't give anyone notice. She doesn't call people back, not even her own husband or kids. She's late to everything, she invites you to things at the last minute. She invited us, her husband's only sibling, to her child's baptism the day before. I was out of town and couldn't get back for it. I was so angry.

She has been married to my BIL for 20 years. This has been going on for a long time. I have learned to just not count on her for anything. If she happens to show up, ok, but I don't change my life for her and neither does my MIL.

Her family is the same way. They just have a different way of doing things. I don't understand it, and my MIL doesn't understand it, we are just different than her. We like to plan things, if we say we are showing up, we show up at the time we told them we would be there. My SIL's family may show up that day sometime, they may not, they may show up another day, maybe not. Who knows.

It's very hard to figure out and it took me many years not to get my feeling hurt. My MIL tries very hard also but sometimes we just get our feeling hurt. I don't think my SIL is being mean spirited, it's just the way she is. And she's not going to change.

But the key is to know that things are going to change and expect it. And not to make any plans. Because they aren't going to turn out the way you want them to. If we are free and can see them, then we will. But we don't take off work and we don't change any of our plans if we have them.

 

[FayeW]

OP, maybe you could send an email or a text to your son when your DIL makes the plans, so that he knows what you are expecting. For example:

"Son, Susie told us you will be coming to visit us the weekend of March 12-14th, and staying with us Saturday night til Sunday evening. We are very excited to see you, but as you know your father has to arrange to have time off in order to be here. Last time you were here, he ended up losing extra pay because the plans got changed after he had already made his vacation arrangements. Can you confirm the dates you will be able to stay with us, and make sure that they are firm before he requests his time off? He would hate to miss seeing you!"

That accomplishes a couple of things...lets son know exactly what arrangements have been made and that changing them on a whim causes inconvenience and a loss of income. He may not be aware that while he is on the rig his wife is making plans with his family and then changing them or breaking them.He may only be getting the revised version. He needs to know that it is NOT okay for his wife to cause ANYONE to experience a financial loss because she can't make plans and stick to them.

Clearly, he needs to put his foot down and make a few demands of his own.

 

[lillygator]

but don't you see? There shouldn't be any reason to put anyone before anyone. I don't expect him to spend more time with me than he does his wife!


I expect my sons to put their wives before me too. But I also expect them to remember the family that loves them and that has sacrificed so much for them. I expect the dil to have as much thought and consideration for us as she does for her own family. I don't really think that is too much to ask

I do firmly believe that when some of you are mil's you will have a whole new outlook on things.

So you and DIL should be equal to your son? Do you/did you have as much thought and consideration for your DH's family? And the MIL you didn't get aong with?
How much time per week would satisfy you as far as visits go? Why can't you and your son meet up for lunch without DIL? Since you don't care for her, that would give you time alone with just your son which is really what you want anyway.

 

[Jennasis]

17 pages. A large part of the problem here is that all of us are coloring our responses with our own personal prejudice against our own MIL/DIL.

I am sure if one were to ask my MIL about me, you would be regaled with a tale of manipulation and control. About how I mstermind his every move...how he always has to ask my permission before we do anything. About how we make concessions for my family and not for her.

I know this, because she recently railed into DH about it.

DH was beyond livid and told her in no uncertain terms how she was unequivocally wrong, and her accusations were a very large part of her damaging her relationship with DH severely. She "stood up" to DH and insisted he "stand up" to me.

She lost, and now her relationship with him is very very broken and neither he nor I have any particular desire to see it fixed...though we are in therapy together now so that we can learn how to deal with her together. Very empowering.

My point OP, is that vent...PLEASE vent away. But be very careful. Things may or may not be as you see them, and trying to "stand your ground" may very well turn into "the hill you die on". I DO suggest talking to your son...from now on. I'm sure he has SOME way to contact him on the rig. Forget plannning anything with the DIL. Only communicate with your son. At least for a good long while.

 

[FayeW]

So you and DIL should be equal to your son? Do you/did you have as much thought and consideration for your DH's family? And the MIL you didn't get aong with?
How much time per week would satisfy you as far as visits go? Why can't you and your son meet up for lunch without DIL? Since you don't care for her, that would give you time alone with just your son which is really what you want anyway.

It's not about how much time she wants...it is about the fact that there are other family members who jump through hoops to change plans and arrange their schedules so they can visit with them and then OOPS! plans are changed again. If I lost a day's pay because I took time off to see somebody and they never showed up until the next day and stayed for only 3 hours, I'd be owly too.

They are not just coming to see the OP. They are coming to see the OP, her DH, her mother (whom the couple apparently stays with part of the time, so they blew Nana off, too) OP's other son, his wife, their baby, and the OP's daughter. That is a lot of people who are apparently happy to change their schedules so they can see them a couple of times a year, but every single time they do, the plans get changed and people are, at best, inconvenienced and at worst, have lost vacation time and/or pay. That is not okay. That is rude and selfish behaviour and it has to stop or people are just going to quit bending over backwards to accommodate them.

Frankly, OP, that is exactly what you should do. I know you want to see your son no matter what, and you don't want to make his life difficult, but maybe a little "difficult" from Mom or his other family members would make him step up to the plate and stop inconveniencing everyone, because really, if he goes a long with changing the plans and not making her stick to the original arrangement, he is a guilty as she is. Giving him a pass isn't doing the rest of the family any favours.

 

[jrmasm]

OP, why aren't you angry at your son? Why only your DIL? Surely she doesn't put a gun to his head to get her way.

I'm serious.

 

[luvsJack]

I am so confused. Since when are parents responsible for paying for a wedding? If a parent pays for wedding #1 are they then committing to paying fro any additional weddings for that same child? If they choose to pay towards that second wedding must they give an infinite amount in order to gaurantee that their family members are invited? If they stipulate that they will pay for certain portions of that wedding are they then to be blamed if the Bride determines that is not enough and tehn cancels the entire thing?

Good thing I told all of my children that I was not responsible for paying for their weddings. When they planned their day we did pay...for my DD and my DS but I can tell you that if I had been treated like the OP I would have sent a card and used that money for a vacation.

I know that some folks here have MIL's who are less than reasonable but Holy Smokes! If my son and his wife made plans to visit me, my DH took time off from work and then we got treated like an unwanted truck stop I would be not only very hurt, I would be furious. I am a MIL and I expect that I will be treated with respect and courtesy from all of my children as well as their spouses. I will say that I would not have tolerated that behavior that the OP's DS and his DW have shown her. I don't expect the world to stop spinning when the kids are arond but I do expect that is plans are made and are changed because something better came up I better have some notice or at least a call.

Thank you!!! That is all I was asking for and venting about!

The only reason I don't go off on Ds is because he will try to change things back around to make everyone happy and he is the one catching XXXX from her later. I don't want to cause him so much stress about it that it makes it easier just not to come at all.

 

[cheermom1]

I think you should do what pp has said, first only make plans with your son and than stop bending over backwards to accommodate them ..that will stop a lot of this...good luck

 

[RadioNate]

I want to make something very clear. I don't think the OP is a bad person or even a terrible MIL. My 'issue' is that she is blaming the DIL for everything. Nothing this girl does (or doesn't do) is right...it is ALL HER FAULT.

I believe the OP needs to tread carefully before she starts playing the martyr. That will get her no where.

I see a bit of my own MIL in the OP. She isn't a horrible lady but she does 'cry' to everyone about how she is so hurt that she doesn't see us (read: DH, she could care less about me) or the kids when she does nothing to try to see them. She is so hurt that we don't call but it isn't like she picks up the phone to call us. It is great when we come there but it is ALWAYS too difficult for them to come to us. Excuse after excuse of why that doesn't work.

I think the OP is so worried about 'staying out' of their marriage that she isn't saying "hey, come to our house on Sunday. We are having a BBQ for everyone" if they make it great...if not enjoy the time with the other family. She is sitting back and waiting on the DIL for everything and then complaining when the DIL does things her way. The OP is allowing the DIL walk all over her and then blaming the DIL because she did.

I'm not saying (AT ALL) that the OP should get into a war with the DIL but people can only take advantage of you if you let them.

The OP clearly doesn't like the DIL so stop rearranging your life for her. See your son, call him, meet him for lunch, whatever but stop relying on her for the 'plan' and then blaming her when the plan isn't in your favor.

 

[padams]

OP, you need to deal with the facts as they are. DDIL and DS change their plans. Fine. Don't make any plans with them. If they show up and you are available, great. No meals, no taking off work, etc. It doesn't appear that SIL and DIL care about the "sacrifices" you are making for them, so don't do it (unless you enjoy martyrdom).

I noticed that DIL told you the day they would be visiting. You then set up that they would spend the night before with grandma, and the next day and night with you. It appears to me that you may have been the one who changed the plans on that occasion. Did DIL say that they would spend the whole day with you, not to mention the nights before (grandma counts as your family) and after? I could see where DDIL would be ticked off if you presumed that they would spend 36 + hours with you when she had only given you a date.

It's clearly a battle between your way and DDIL's way. Give up the fight, you probably won't win. Accept any time that DS and DDIL share with you to be a blessing. Accept DDIL for who she is. Be the MIL that DDIL wants to visit. If you come across half as negative about DDIL IRL as you do here, she knows you don't like her. Why should she want to spend time with you? (and the answer is not because you gave birth to DS)

 

[Wishing on a star]

It's clearly a battle between your way and DDIL's way. Give up the fight, you probably won't win. Accept any time that DS and DDIL share with you to be a blessing. Accept DDIL for who she is. Be the MIL that DDIL wants to visit. If you come across half as negative about DDIL IRL as you do here, she knows you don't like her. Why should she want to spend time with you? (and the answer is not because you gave birth to DS)

AMEN!!!!!!

Where is the applause icon when you need it!!!!

I know the OP will be blind to the fact that she, herself, along with her son, share their part in this angst.... I know that she simply can not see that, yes, she is clearly setting up that competitive 'battle'... I know that she simply cannot see that, perhaps, her expectations are a little unrealistic/out of line/crossing boundaries....

It is just human nature that people are simply incapable of seeing these things in themselves.... Just the way it is.

But, I have posted on this thread on the slight chance that a small ray of light might shine thru....

In either case, I do wish for the best for the OP and her son...
I do not think that she is a 'gorilla'. (and I do not necessarily believe that her DIL is quite as bad as she has been portrayed, either)

But, it is just so obvious that things will go from bad to worse, and that there will continue to be 'hurt' and 'anger' and 'frustration' unless the OP makes a slight adjustment to her expectations and establishes a more effective and realistic status-quo in her relationship with her son.

 

[TheZue]

If all thats true then she should stop coming to my house uninvited when we are not home, and going through our laundry bin thoroughly to pick out her sons items and taking them home to wash.

omg I think I would die of rage/embarrassment!


Luvsjack, sorry your DIL is being stupid. If only we could match the crappy DILs to the psycho MILs then the rest of us would be spared.

For what it's worth, my future DIL already owes me...I finally trained my son not to pee all over the seat. It'll benefit me for another 15 years, her a life time.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am so sorry that you have dealt with in law problems and that from your prospective all daughters in laws must be perfect, but guess what THEY ARE NOT. In your world all MIL's are in the wrong, but that is just not the way it is in the real world.

Again, GOOD GREIF!!!!

I have NEVER said anything to make such insinuations....
Have you been reading my posts....
I have openly posted that I have seen the child/spouse (including my DH) be just at much at fault in these situations!!!!

Good Grief.... Really, where do people come up with this stuff.

Your DIL is not 'perfect'
I am not 'perfect'.
Guess What... News Flash... You are not perfect either...
Nobody is....

<SIGH>

PS: edited to add... Is anyone else here remembering the thread with the 'perfect' MIL with the 'perfect' life, blaming the whole situation on her horrid DIL. De Ja'Vu (sp?)

 

[RadioNate]

It's clearly a battle between your way and DDIL's way. Give up the fight, you probably won't win. Accept any time that DS and DDIL share with you to be a blessing. Accept DDIL for who she is. Be the MIL that DDIL wants to visit. If you come across half as negative about DDIL IRL as you do here, she knows you don't like her. Why should she want to spend time with you? (and the answer is not because you gave birth to DS)

I'm worried that the OP believes that this is a fight she can and will win. It's not. Her DS, chose this woman, he knows who she is and all the faults that come with that. He accepts her the way she is, even when she changes plans at the last minute.

I really don't want this to become ugly for the OP. I really don't. She does deserve a good relationship with her son. I am worried if this is the path they continue down that it is going to get ugly and her DS will (rightfully) choose his wife.

 

[FayeW]

Again, GOOD GREIF!!!!

I have NEVER said anything to make such insinuations....
Have you been reading my posts....
I have openly posted that I have seen the child/spouse (including my DH) be just at much at fault in these situations!!!!

Good Grief.... Really, where do people come up with this stuff.

Your DIL is not 'perfect'
I am not 'perfect'.
Guess What... News Flash... You are not perfect either...
Nobody is....

<SIGH>

PS: edited to add... Is anyone else here remembering the thread with the 'perfect' MIL with the 'perfect' life, blaming the whole situation on her horrid DIL. De Ja'Vu (sp?)

Hey, some DILs are horrid. My niece is one of them. I love her dearly but sometimes I would like to slap her. My mother is at her wits end with her and her ridiculousness. And we are her family, imagine what hubby's family thinks of her! She is absolutely horrid to his family, for no apparent reason except that they are not her parents. She seems to forget that her child has two parents, and two sets of grandparents.

Some MILs are also horrid. Nobody has a monopoly on bad behaviour. My mother is a good MIL. My own MIL, also good. I believe that I am a good DIL but the fact that we live several hundreds of miles from either family certainly has helped maintain relationships. I am the one who buys the cards and gifts and I frequently call my MIL just to chat. My DH spent a lot of time away from home when the kids were younger and if I wanted them to have any kind of relationship with either set of grandparents, I called them so the kids could tell them about the special or cool things that happened. First goal in hockey, horse riding lessons, whatever.

Courtesy and respect is a two way street.

 

[wdwfan16]

I'm worried that the OP believes that this is a fight she can and will win. It's not. Her DS, chose this woman, he knows who she is and all the faults that come with that. He accepts her the way she is, even when she changes plans at the last minute.

I really don't want this to become ugly for the OP. I really don't. She does deserve a good relationship with her son. I am worried if this is the path they continue down that it is going to get ugly and her DS will (rightfully) choose his wife.

If she does win them her son will be the subject of the other thread about a person that has been divorced twice.

 

[luvsJack]

So you and DIL should be equal to your son? Do you/did you have as much thought and consideration for your DH's family? And the MIL you didn't get aong with?
How much time per week would satisfy you as far as visits go? Why can't you and your son meet up for lunch without DIL? Since you don't care for her, that would give you time alone with just your son which is really what you want anyway.

I only meant that there should be not competition for him. I am his mother, she is his wife. Those are two very different things in his life. I do not expect to be more important to him than she is. I expect him to put her on a pedestle and treat her like a princess and to let her know everyday that he loves her. Maybe I have taught him all that too well.

Do I have as much thought for Dh's family? Yes. We go to his mom's house every time he is home and many times dd and I go when he is not. We are there for every family celebration and every holiday (expect every other Thanksgiving). They are my family too.

My ex's family? When he was home from work, we spent almot every waking hour there. My time with my family was when he was at work. Holidays were spilt equally. I loved his father and was there for his family through his father's illness and death. Even though his mother physically threatened me while we were married. So, yes I have been as considerate as I felt I could be.

They live 3 states away (maybe if you actually READ what you are responding to it might help?), so weekly visits are not possible. Nor is taking him to lunch. They have been here 4 times in two years. (this was the only one of those 4 times that the whole purpose of their visit was to visit us--not complaining just stating fact. They had other things going on that made their other trips necessary) .

Besides. I never said I only want time with him. I want to see both of them. They are a couple, she is the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with. He loves her, therefore I love her. They are both a part of this family. Whether or not I agree with everything she does or how she acts, is not relevent in that.

What I don't do is think she is perfect. I am not going to pretend that she is. She has some faults just like the rest of us. I started this as a vent to something she did that I didn't like. Something she has done before. Why do I blame her? Because she is the one doing it. Should he say something? Yes. Does he need to make things change? Yes. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that it is ultimatly her that is making all of that necessary.

 

[luvsJack]

It's not about how much time she wants...it is about the fact that there are other family members who jump through hoops to change plans and arrange their schedules so they can visit with them and then OOPS! plans are changed again. If I lost a day's pay because I took time off to see somebody and they never showed up until the next day and stayed for only 3 hours, I'd be owly too.

They are not just coming to see the OP. They are coming to see the OP, her DH, her mother (whom the couple apparently stays with part of the time, so they blew Nana off, too) OP's other son, his wife, their baby, and the OP's daughter. That is a lot of people who are apparently happy to change their schedules so they can see them a couple of times a year, but every single time they do, the plans get changed and people are, at best, inconvenienced and at worst, have lost vacation time and/or pay. That is not okay. That is rude and selfish behaviour and it has to stop or people are just going to quit bending over backwards to accommodate them.

Frankly, OP, that is exactly what you should do. I know you want to see your son no matter what, and you don't want to make his life difficult, but maybe a little "difficult" from Mom or his other family members would make him step up to the plate and stop inconveniencing everyone, because really, if he goes a long with changing the plans and not making her stick to the original arrangement, he is a guilty as she is. Giving him a pass isn't doing the rest of the family any favours.

Thank you so much. Maybe I am saying it all wrong. But what you are saying is exactly what is going on.

My goodness I didn't realize what I was starting here.

Maybe you are right about the last paragraph. I am thinking of talking to him before their next visit and setting things a bit straighter with him. He has to realize that even though he will go through fire for her, the rest of us are not so willing to jump in there with him.

 

[lillygator]

Do they have kids?

I know for us - it is much easier if the inlaws come to us, packing up everything and then worrying about them touching or breaking anything at the inlaws house is too much worry for me.

 

[lillygator]

I only meant that there should be not competition for him. I am his mother, she is his wife. Those are two very different things in his life. I do not expect to be more important to him than she is. I expect him to put her on a pedestle and treat her like a princess and to let her know everyday that he loves her. Maybe I have taught him all that too well.

Do I have as much thought for Dh's family? Yes. We go to his mom's house every time he is home and many times dd and I go when he is not. We are there for every family celebration and every holiday (expect every other Thanksgiving). They are my family too.

My ex's family? When he was home from work, we spent almot every waking hour there. My time with my family was when he was at work. Holidays were spilt equally. I loved his father and was there for his family through his father's illness and death. Even though his mother physically threatened me while we were married. So, yes I have been as considerate as I felt I could be.

They live 3 states away (maybe if you actually READ what you are responding to it might help?), so weekly visits are not possible. Nor is taking him to lunch. They have been here 4 times in two years. (this was the only one of those 4 times that the whole purpose of their visit was to visit us--not complaining just stating fact. They had other things going on that made their other trips necessary) .

Besides. I never said I only want time with him. I want to see both of them. They are a couple, she is the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with. He loves her, therefore I love her. They are both a part of this family. Whether or not I agree with everything she does or how she acts, is not relevent in that.

What I don't do is think she is perfect. I am not going to pretend that she is. She has some faults just like the rest of us. I started this as a vent to something she did that I didn't like. Something she has done before. Why do I blame her? Because she is the one doing it. Should he say something? Yes. Does he need to make things change? Yes. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that it is ultimatly her that is making all of that necessary.

I did read - but geez 18 pages some of the posts get a little mumbled together for me.
Still, if you son is so dying to see and spend time with you, can't he come over for a weekend without DIL? Maybe she doesn't want to visit, maybe it is uncomfortable for her? Couldn't she go to her family during that time period? Also, if he is spending 2 weeks on/ 2 weeks off (or whatever the schedule is) do they really want to travel 3 hours to spend a day or weekend with family on a regular basis? I think it comes down to you have x expectations of family visitation, DIL has y expectations and they do not coicide. Do you expect them to visit each time your son comes home? once a quarter?

Does your son tell you DIL is giving him grief about visiting?