Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[Liberty Belle]

I should of known something was up with the MIL when we got married and she was still corresponding alot with the old girlfriend (from several years past). She constantly brought up "remember when" stories about the old girlfriend and frankley, just hurt my feelings.

Move the clock a head 26 yrs.---same problems only old girlfriend got married and stopped sending her correspondance. This woman has done enough damage to me to last another 26 yrs. As past posters wrote, my husband and his 3 brothers avoid her like the plague! One thing, she treats all the DIL's the same, Lousy!

I guess I should feel lucky that my MIL hated DH's previous girlfriend even more than she hated me. He brought her home once and while his girlfriend was in the living room his mother called him into the connecting dining room and said, "Get that horse out of my house before she breaks something!"

 

[TinkLovinMomma]

I have not read all the responses but OP I have the opposite problem than the one are discussing. You see my MIL loves me and my chldren but is entirely rotten to my husband. On many occasions i have heard her say to him "I want you to leave- your wife and kids can stay" She flat out tells me she "cant stand him". He has always gotten less than his brother and sister and tells me "thats just how it is, Im used to it" My husband is a kind giving man but as far as my MIL is concerned he should be giving more to her and less to the rest of the world because she gave birth to him. All of this makes me not want to be around her. I hate watching her treat him like that

 

[Disney Doll]

I mean no disrespect to your MIL, but I thought that said, "My MIL & I get along fine (since she's passed away).

Reading a little cross-eyed today, are we????

I knew my DMIL for 13 years before she died. All in all, she was all right.

 

[Disney Doll]

Haha! You id is pilesoflaundry!

I thought nothing of the in-laws having a key, because I've always given my Dad a key to my apartment etc. for emergencies. He's never used it.

I just bought a separate laundry hamper for my stuff I don't mind her coming in the house so much, its picking through the laundry that freaks me out. Its not worth the battle, and I have someone to commiserate with because DH is a twin, and she gives his wife the same treatment.

At least 1/2 your laundry gets done, right?????

 

[Disney Doll]

No he contacts her. Probably not enough. But it's a case of you reap what you sow. I don't think he needs to tell her anything about the choices that he makes.

I think men have their head up their butts about tension sometimes. They're not aware that their mothers are upset. Or that their mothers blame their wives.

You and I can agree to disagree on this one. I am a fan of letting people know why I don't have the relationship they expect me to have with them, and I'm a fan of giving men credit for beiing smart and perceptive.

I'm not a fan of enabling a man not to take responsibility for his actions...all of them.

 

[XYSRUS]

OH! OH! OH! Have to include my thoughtful MIL- She always gives my DH a "SON" Christmas card or b-day card and I get a generic Current card for Christmas and my birthday. Also, my checks are always written out of my FIL account and all of DH checks are written out of her account. She hates me!

 

[Disney Doll]

I will defend the family photo without the DILS though.
I can understand parents wanting a photo with themselves and their frown children or of just their grown children together. It would not bother me. I am not their DD and as a parent I understand why they would want that. I don't find that insulting.

That wouldn't bother me either. When crazy SIL got married (after DH & I were already married), his family took some photos with jst them...their "nuclear" family...MIL, FIL, DH, 3SisILs. Didn't faze me. They also had the photo done with all the "kids" (bio and in-law children).

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

If all thats true then she should stop coming to my house uninvited when we are not home, and going through our laundry bin thoroughly to pick out her sons items and taking them home to wash.

Please forgive me, but the thought of this going on just tickled me.

It sounds like something out of a bad sitcom. I'm sorry it's real life for you.



My DMIL is wonderful, I get no crap from her at all. She calls once in a while, we go and visit-planned well in advance. She is great! Sadly, she is the only grandparent my kids have left.

 

[Liberty Belle]

OH! OH! OH! Have to include my thoughtful MIL- She always gives my DH a "SON" Christmas card or b-day card and I get a generic Current card for Christmas and my birthday. Also, my checks are always written out of my FIL account and all of DH checks are written out of her account. She hates me!

My MIL fixes each of us dinner on our birthdays. And, yes, I do think it's nice of her to do that, but...everyone (DH, DS#1, DS#2) get asked exactly what they want for their dinners (down to sides and what kind of bread). She's never once asked me what I want for mine.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, part of the problem is your DS. Your DIL can only get away with stuff like she does if he lets her.

MY DS hates family get togethers in general. He usually goes with his DF to her family. We are invited for Xmas and Easter. This year, he told me he wanted me to do Thanksgiving..which totally shocked me, but I did, and it was just all of us and it was really nice.

My FDIL is wonderful and calls me mom, and respects me. I respect her too..I also have know her for as long as we have had DS8!!!

When it coems to my mil, I am the one forcing DH to go over there!! LOL..he would rather stay home!! So it always isn't the in-law!!

 

[mouseforcemom]

My MIL and I have been through I think every range of emotion in 8 years that normal mothers and daughters have gone through over 30. lol. I love her and respect her though. Once she said, "Oh honey, I don't want him back he's yours." I knew that we weren't ever going to fight over my husband.

Our biggest thing is that our personalities are totally different but it has grown into an amicable respectful relationship with time. Mind you we aren't going shopping together and she rarely makes an appearance in our home. But, I know she cares and loves us. And she knows we love her.

OP I am sorry you are going through this. A marriage should add a member of the family not take one away.

 

[MaumeeMom]

PARTIAL

I do realize that there are some MIL that came straight from Hades. But, please, don't just assume yours is going to be that way.

Yes, I am having dil issues. I just don't get it. His first wife was the worst thing for him but the best addition to our family (I am glad she is out of his life, but do miss the way she made herself a part of our family). His second wife, wonderful for him but acts like a spoiled brat about everything! Always has to have her way and if she doesn't get it she makes things impossible for everyone else.

Ok, vent over. Smile on my face, ready to see them and spend an enjoyable day with them. (day, as in a few hours. long enough for me to cook dinner and give them their Christmas gifts. she is mad because she planned to spend that day with her family, although when I asked her their plans I was told they were going to spend the night before and that day with us. So now we get them from exactly the time I told we would eat until she manages to convinces him to leave)

Oh, one last thing. Remember that your MIL was once a young wife too. She is not stupid, she knows what you are doing. She also knows her son and she knows when the message is really coming from you and when it is coming from him.

Sorry that you are having issues OP. From posts further through the thread it sounds like you have come up with a plan with which to deal with the issues. However, if I were the DiL and found out this had been posted on a message board for all to see that you thought that I were "spoiled" I know that I would be upset.

I've been married 15 years and with DH over 22 and have never won over my MiL so I quit trying. Not long before our wedding I was told I wasn't good enough for DH & that they weren't coming to the wedding. Of course she got what she wanted & DH begged her to come - she got lots of attention which was her goal.

Still, I tried. MiL never got along with my DH's paternal grandparents and actually timed how long we spent visiting them, his maternal grandparents and her & FiL. God forbid we spent two minutes longer with the paternal GPs - all he!! would break loose.

I tolerate the woman because she is my kids' grandmother but I will never have a relationship with her and it is her fault. I tried.

I'm sure your DiL can sense that you think that she is spoiled and upset with her - the letter sounds good, I hope that you can forge a good relationship with her for the sake of your son & grandkid.

Well, there it is. Maybe she isn't interested in visiting people that view her in a negative way. It isn't comfortable to be around people that view one as a "spoiled brat". Just a thought.

That struck a bad note with me too. I would be highly upset if I knew that this was posted about me on a message board.

(And if you want to point a finger at me for dissing my MiL on the same MB go ahead, the difference is that I no longer care about a relationship with my MiL but the OP does want a good one with her DiL.)

If all thats true then she should stop coming to my house uninvited when we are not home, and going through our laundry bin thoroughly to pick out her sons items and taking them home to wash.

OMG! I would seriously change the locks - ick!

I just want to say that I love my inlaws and we all get along- but why does it seem that every MIL always assume it is the DIL that makes it hard for visits etc.? Does it ever occur to them that their son really doesn't want to be bothered? Maybe someone makes annoying comments and they don't want to listen to it. Maybe someone has a pet they can't stand. Maybe they simply do not want to visit.

Why is it always assumed that the DIL has some sort of control over their son? I know for me I have no more control over my husband as the I do the weather. He is his own person and can make up his own mind. I have to say that it is really terrible how the DIL always gets the bad rap with MILs. Maybe the MIL is really a pain but doesn't think she is.

Exactly!!! Mil's need to learn to be nice to their DIL's from the get go, it is us who remember Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries and remind our husbands to call their moms, ask if they've called to check on their mom lately, maybe go for a visit. But when you have a mother in law who attacks everything you do, even gives old girlfriends your phone number, tries to fix your husband (who you have 3 kids with!!) up with another woman, well you stop reminding them they have a mother! Me and my sis-in-law have now left everything up to our husbands (brothers) to remember their mom all by themselves. It's not our fault they don't call, come around, or send cards/gifts/flowers anymore. They are adults, they can do it, we aren't stopping them. We know we aren't liked, so we're done. I do have 2 sons and I will never behave the way she does, she lives to create drama! Why else would she do all this stuff? Sad thing is, I haven't even scratched the surface of her behavior.

Exactly! A few years after we were married we visited my MiL and she gushed over the card that she had gotten for Mother's Day - it showed how much her son loved HER, yada, yada, yada, on & on.

Finally, I snapped & said that I was so glad that she enjoyed the card that I picked out for her, reminded her son 1000 times to sign before finally forcing him to before I would give him his morning coffee one day. The one that I don't think that he even read before signing. The one that I put the stamp on, addressed and took to the mailbox. I didn't hear any more about that stupid card and I bet she burned it because it had my cooties.

I haven't done it since - if my DH wants his mother to have a card or gift he can pick it out himself. The only exception to this is Christmas, I always help the kids buy something for all the grandparents and try to keep them equal.

LOL, she must be related to my MIL! They have what I call their shrine to my Dh, an entire wall of photo's of him (he is an only child). I am not in 1 photo! We have been married 4 years and I am cropped out of every one!

Yep, mine too. I can commiserate, even the pics from our wedding are missing the bride. Yet, I still make sure to have pics of them around with the grandkids so the boys know who they are.

When any of us girls play the "Who has the worst mother-in-law" game, I ALWAYS win.

 

[luvmy3]

OP, even though you don't have to be the one to do it, its so nice that you decided to take the first step in trying to make a better relationship with eachother.
She is lucky to have a MIL like you, and not like the ones some of the pp's have
I consider myself very lucky to have had my MIL (she passed away a few years ago). She welcomed me with open arms into her family and treated my like one of her own.

 

[SingingMom]

I may have a different slant on the MIL dilemma, not necessarily the OP's problem, but certainly mine:

My husband needs to be begged and cajoled to call his mother. I cannot get the man to go see her. Calling is slightly easier, but still not a picnic. I often wonder if his mother thinks the problem lies with her DIL, but no, it is her son.

Me too. We live 600 miles away. Yes, he moved away from her to live in my home state. Maybe that has something to do with it. But she is the coldest person I have ever met. I have bent over backwards to be pleasant and welcoming and loving. Yet, I am treated like a stranger. Of course, she doesn't treat him very lovingly at all, either! And she has limited contact with our daughter.

I am the one that remembers all the birthdays and holidays, I am the one that buys all the gifts. I am the one that invites her to stay with us for a visit. I am the one to offer the cost of the plane ticket. I am the one that says to my DH "Did you call your mother?" But, he doesn't. And after over 20 years of marriage (and the cold shoulder from her) I don't try anymore. I am respectful and I remember birthday and holidays, but I do NOT go out of my way anymore. Not worth it. MY entire family are much more loving to DH than his own mother.

So, yes, sometimes, it is the son, NOT the daughter-in-law, that doesn't want to be bother to be in regular contact.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

When any of us girls play the "Who has the worst mother-in-law" game, I ALWAYS win.

My mom is the worst mil on the planet. I thank god every day dh is very patient with her and stays out of it out of love and respect for the woman who brought me into this world.

I refuse to put some of the stuff out there on the internet but it's bad.

 

[Skatermom23]

I will defend the family photo without the DILS though.
I can understand parents wanting a photo with themselves and their frown children or of just their grown children together. It would not bother me. I am not their DD and as a parent I understand why they would want that. I don't find that insulting.

As a parent, I would never put my kids in this situation to not include their husband or wife. That is just a disaster waiting to happen. Even if I don't like DDIL or DSIL, they are still part of the family. Honestly if my mom ever said she wanted a photo without DH, I would never do it. That is just wrong.

 

[padams]

My MIL does the "bloodline only" photos. She has openly said that she prefers just to have her bloodline (no SIL or DILs) in the photos so if her kids get divorced she won't have to cut out the SIL or DIL from the photo. It's difficult to feel all warm and fuzzy towards a MIL that makes it clear that the people who marry her children are NOT part of the "real" family.

Because DH has complained about the bloodline photos, MIL will now have one photo taken with everybody but it is obvious she will never display that one.

 

[Scurvy]

That wouldn't bother me either. When crazy SIL got married (after DH & I were already married), his family took some photos with jst them...their "nuclear" family...MIL, FIL, DH, 3SisILs. Didn't faze me. They also had the photo done with all the "kids" (bio and in-law children).

My inlaws always do that sort of thing. They do photos of all sorts of different groupings of the family. They'll take pictures with just Mother-in-law, Father-in-Law, my husband and his sister. They also do the two of them with my sister-in-law and her husband and her child, the two of them with just the grandkids, each couple, each individual "nuclear" family, etc. etc. Some photos include all of us, some photos only include a few of us. It doesn't bother me. I'm not their child - of course they don't think of me as the same kind of family member as my husband is. I don't consider them my parents, either. That doesn't mean we don't love each other, but I completely understand why they want some pictures of just their nuclear family. Sometimes I'm the one encouraging them to pose so I can take the picture.

Of course they also display all sorts of photos, too. If they only displayed the ones that excluded their children's spouses -or if they were cutting me out of photos as with some of the previous posters - then I would certainly be hurt.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I still remember the first time I spoke up to my MIL. She used to love to stop by without calling. This wouldn't be a huge problem, except she was SUPER critical about my home. One day she came over and, like usual, started looking around the house with that expression on her face. She asked what we'd been doing all morning and did she catch us eating (there were dishes still on the table), she didn't mind if I (not dh, of course) wanted to go clean up while she was there. DH said that if she'd called first, we could have had the house ready for a visitor and she said something like, "I'm sure you don't make DW's parents call first!" I'd had enough and said, "They're not critical of our home, like you are." Boy, after I got that out, I started shaking! I felt like I was going to pass out!

Ah, I know that feeling! But it is SO good afterwards!