Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[Mouse House Mama]

My inlaws always do that sort of thing. They do photos of all sorts of different groupings of the family. They'll take pictures with just Mother-in-law, Father-in-Law, my husband and his sister. They also do the two of them with my sister-in-law and her husband and her child, the two of them with just the grandkids, each couple, each individual "nuclear" family, etc. etc. Some photos include all of us, some photos only include a few of us. It doesn't bother me. I'm not their child - of course they don't think of me as the same kind of family member as my husband is. I don't consider them my parents, either. That doesn't mean we don't love each other, but I completely understand why they want some pictures of just their nuclear family. Sometimes I'm the one encouraging them to pose so I can take the picture.

Of course they also display all sorts of photos, too. If they only displayed the ones that excluded their children's spouses -or if they were cutting me out of photos as with some of the previous posters - then I would certainly be hurt.

This is what I meant. You said it much better than me.

 

[sbell111]

Well, there it is. Maybe she isn't interested in visiting people that view her in a negative way. It isn't comfortable to be around people that view one as a "spoiled brat". Just a thought.

Agreed. The OP's post reads as if she has already completely judged her DIL and that nothing that teh DIL does is ever going to be acceptable.

 

[sbell111]

Thanks for the hugs everybody!

I think after this visit I will write my dil a letter and let her know how I really do feel about her. I love the fact that she is devoted to my son and I love how she takes care of him and that they are best friends. I love that she took the time to become a sister to my daughter and I love how she instantly accepted my younger son's gf as a sister and how much she loves my darling grandbaby. I think she is a beautiful young girl with a lot of potential for success.

Its not that I don't like this girl. I have to remember that she is very young and can be very child like. And I don't think she is very confident in her relationship with my son (although he adores her).

She has had some real issues with her own family and I think maybe she doesn't know how to relate to us on a "parental" basis. I think I will tell her that we just need to be friends, we can figure out all that family stuff later.

I just hate seeing the stress and hurt on my son's face when he feels apart from his family.

Regarding the bolded bit, I think that it's important for you to remember that just because you are a MIL doesn't actually mean that she has to accept you on a 'parental basis'.

 

[sbell111]

Thanks for the hugs everybody!

I think after this visit I will write my dil a letter and let her know how I really do feel about her. I love the fact that she is devoted to my son and I love how she takes care of him and that they are best friends. I love that she took the time to become a sister to my daughter and I love how she instantly accepted my younger son's gf as a sister and how much she loves my darling grandbaby. I think she is a beautiful young girl with a lot of potential for success. ...

I hope that you can phrase this to make it not sound like a backhanded compliment. Also, I hope your letter doesn't come off as "You're awesome, but...".

 

[luvsJack]

Agreed. The OP's post reads as if she has already completely judged her DIL and that nothing that teh DIL does is ever going to be acceptable.

Regarding the bolded bit, I think that it's important for you to remember that just because you are a MIL doesn't actually mean that she has to accept you on a 'parental basis'.

I hope that you can phrase this to make it not sound like a backhanded compliment. Also, I hope your letter doesn't come off as "You're awesome, but...".

I accepted DIL from the moment she walked into my house with my son. I never thought of her as a spoiled brat until some major, major drama happened over their wedding. (which never took place, she made the decision for them to elope after much money was bought on things that could not be returned--and I never even hinted at that being an issue, I just sucked up the lost money and the aggravation). Everything was all about drama and how much she could cause.

I didn't judge this girl on anything I thought was going on. I only make a judgment on what I see first hand.

There are spoiled brats in this world and she happens to be one of them. I accept her as that most of the time and just let it go. Does she deny that she is one? No. She knows it and so does her family. She thinks its funny.

It is not true that nothing this girl does will ever be good enough. The only thing that I have an issue with is that she makes darn sure they never have time to visit with DS's family when they come for a visit. I don't expect her to changel, I would just like time to spend with my son.

 

[luvsJack]

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.

When it came time for them to go, DS came in and sat real close to me and whispered "I'm sorry, but I guess we have to go". They had to go back to her family's house and then go home tomorrow. I could see the stress and hurt on his face when he had to tell me that. I just smiled and asked when they would be able to come back. He said in a couple of months.

I know that if he wants things to be differently he needs to step up and tell her; but I also know how hard a wife can make things on her husband if she doesn't get her way--and visa versa. (hey, I am not a perfect wife. I have made life hard on my dh too at times.)

I told DH that from now on when they call and say they will be coming down on such and such weekend, I will not plan anything ahead. I will just say to them to let me know when they will be at the house and that we will plan from that. I refuse to cause my child stress over coming to visit me. (this is in addition to the other things I said I will do)

 

[RadioNate]

My inlaws always do that sort of thing. They do photos of all sorts of different groupings of the family. They'll take pictures with just Mother-in-law, Father-in-Law, my husband and his sister. They also do the two of them with my sister-in-law and her husband and her child, the two of them with just the grandkids, each couple, each individual "nuclear" family, etc. etc. Some photos include all of us, some photos only include a few of us. It doesn't bother me. I'm not their child - of course they don't think of me as the same kind of family member as my husband is. I don't consider them my parents, either. That doesn't mean we don't love each other, but I completely understand why they want some pictures of just their nuclear family. Sometimes I'm the one encouraging them to pose so I can take the picture.

Of course they also display all sorts of photos, too. If they only displayed the ones that excluded their children's spouses -or if they were cutting me out of photos as with some of the previous posters - then I would certainly be hurt.

I don't mind that they took the photos. Of course people take all sorts of photos with different people, especially at weddings.

What I object to is the GIANT painting that they had made from the photo (from our wedding no less) that excludes me as part of their family.

 

[Art 1]

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.

When it came time for them to go, DS came in and sat real close to me and whispered "I'm sorry, but I guess we have to go". They had to go back to her family's house and then go home tomorrow. I could see the stress and hurt on his face when he had to tell me that. I just smiled and asked when they would be able to come back. He said in a couple of months.

I know that if he wants things to be differently he needs to step up and tell her; but I also know how hard a wife can make things on her husband if she doesn't get her way--and visa versa. (hey, I am not a perfect wife. I have made life hard on my dh too at times.)

I told DH that from now on when they call and say they will be coming down on such and such weekend, I will not plan anything ahead. I will just say to them to let me know when they will be at the house and that we will plan from that. I refuse to cause my child stress over coming to visit me. (this is in addition to the other things I said I will do)

You are a very wise lady to not put pressure on your Son. It hurts him terribly to have to treat you this way, it's not his fault. When he and his wife leave you can be sure he tells her what he thinks.

How do I know? I'm in the same situation as your Son and have been for many many years. It's awful.

 

[Disney Doll]

You are a very wise lady to not put pressure on your Son. It hurts him terribly to have to treat you this way, it's not his fault. When he and his wife leave you can be sure he tells her what he thinks.

How do I know? I'm in the same situation as your Son and have been for many many years. It's awful.

Well, then he and you need to man up.

 

[RadioNate]

I accepted DIL from the moment she walked into my house with my son. I never thought of her as a spoiled brat until some major, major drama happened over their wedding. (which never took place, she made the decision for them to elope after much money was bought on things that could not be returned--and I never even hinted at that being an issue, I just sucked up the lost money and the aggravation). Everything was all about drama and how much she could cause.

I didn't judge this girl on anything I thought was going on. I only make a judgment on what I see first hand.

There are spoiled brats in this world and she happens to be one of them. I accept her as that most of the time and just let it go. Does she deny that she is one? No. She knows it and so does her family. She thinks its funny.

It is not true that nothing this girl does will ever be good enough. The only thing that I have an issue with is that she makes darn sure they never have time to visit with DS's family when they come for a visit. I don't expect her to changel, I would just like time to spend with my son.

This stood out to me as a DIL who really believes that her MIL doesn't like her.

You want to spend time with your SON. What about her? Do you want to spend time with HER? Maybe she doesn't want to hang around your house because she feels excluded....like a 3rd wheel. You may not really treat her that way, but she may feel like that.

When my inlaws come, I know I feel that way. Even at my house. They sorta revert into their nuclear group and I'm generally on the outside.

After 10 years, I've addressed my DHs behavior when they come but for a long time (even after we had kids) I totally felt like a 5th wheel.

Maybe her family also wants to spend time with him? I know mine does. My inlaws are completely indifferent to me but my dad wants to talk football with my DH, and my mom wants to play poker with him. They like having him around. They want to see BOTH of us, not just me.

Just food for thought...really.

 

[damo]

You are absolutely right and that's why the soin should speak up to his own mother and tell her why he choooses to not have a close relationship with her. Instead, most sons just let their wife take the fall.

Cowardly if you ask me.

MIL's tend to think that all the good stuff is their son's idea and all the bad stuff is their DIL's idea.

 

[Wishing on a star]

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.

Sorry, I know this will come off sounding wrong, but I really do think that you would do well to adjust your expectations.

Assuming that they traveled in for the weekend... Did not stay with you... and are also spending time with her family, driving back and forth, and other things... and, three hours wasn't enough? <sigh>

And, the comment about 'having all my kids in the same room....' Just smacks of entitlement and pining for the good old days when your children were, just that, 'children'. (which is no longer the case) I can totally relate to the above comments about your 'parental level' post.... I am afraid that the whole 'my kids in the same room' thing sounds like it is all about you, and 'your biological 'KIDS''... not about a grown adult man and his wife.

I've been there, done that, as the DIL, with my inlaws.
We were 'expected' to stay at THEIR house 'IN THE SAME ROOM' with them as their nuclear family, for hours and days at a time, with no respect for me, no regard for our time with my family, no respect for my feelings (comfort zone) etc... I came to call this 'doing time'.

I am sorry. I know you must be a good and caring person, and parent. And, I know you probably don't realize the underlying attitude and expectations that are showing here. But, you can either choose to have a huge wake-up call and attitude adjustment (a reality check), or you will continue to be disappointed and 'hurt'....

As the wife of a husband who was put 'in the middle' because of his over-involved and demanding parents who could not give up 'their baby' (to this day, MIL still believes that my husband is 'HERS' not as in 'her son', but actually HERS.) I can say that my husband needed huge wake up call... A grown man needs grow up, or 'man up', to learn to put his wife ( and also future children ) as a first priority over being 'mama's boy'.

 

[Jennasis]

My MIL does the "bloodline only" photos. She has openly said that she prefers just to have her bloodline (no SIL or DILs) in the photos so if her kids get divorced she won't have to cut out the SIL or DIL from the photo. It's difficult to feel all warm and fuzzy towards a MIL that makes it clear that the people who marry her children are NOT part of the "real" family.

Because DH has complained about the bloodline photos, MIL will now have one photo taken with everybody but it is obvious she will never display that one.

Geez, sounds like she treats the family like the AKC. Pure bred only!

 

[janets]

DH and I have been married going on 14 years. We're together almost 15.

In the beginning, we lived down near MIL. We lived there until DS#1 was 5 and DS#2 was 1. She was always so helpful to us with the boys, watching our older son first 2 days a week then 1. And when DH lost his job just before DS#2 was born, she came to our house when I had to go back to work at 6 weeks while DH did stuff around the house to help out.

Then we realized we could not keep our large house as the expenses got too big. So we needed to move. And with DS#1 heading to kindy and my commute a killer, we decided to move closer to my mom and sister. I think that was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I told MIL that our house was always open, but if she wanted to see the boys, she needed to let DH know as our weekend were always busy with stuff (mostly me having to take care of stuff as I worked f/t during the week). Also, DH lost his job again just 4 months after moving, and was home for a full 6 months after that.

It was a difficult time. We had 2 young kids, I was working to keep everything together, DH was really doing nothing to find employment but continued to find ways to spend money. I was at my wits' end. I spoke to his mother. Told her things were bad. Asked her to speak to dh, tell him he needed to get moving, find a job, anything. I needed help. Her response..."well, I just can't do that. I just can't get involved." She would say she was walking the floors at night with worry, but she could not speak with her son about living up to his obligations. This was the culmination of a number of issues, not the least of which was DH's mistake at repeating something unflattering she said to him about me.

At that point, I backed away. My mom stepped up and helped out with the kids. She has been a godsend to us over the last 7 years. MIL has basically done nothing. Now, as time passed, I realized that DH simply had no interest in actually seeing his mother or visiting with her. He would go weeks without speaking to her (she would wait him out, then call our house). He would go months without going to visit her. I never stopped him, but eventually would tell him that he needed to visit. I'm sure she had believed that it was because of me that he didn't come, but actually he never cared enough.

FF to last year. It was end of February and he had not seen her since around the Christmas holidays. Maybe 9 weeks or more. She lives about an hour away. I decide I've had it and tell him just what an awful son he's been, how he treats her like crap, that I'm tired of being the bad guy in his relationship with her. I tell him that he's turned into the very person he claims to have despised all his life (his uncle for his treatment of his grandmother). I tell him that he has to find a place in his life for his mother and that I am not a part of it anymore.

He goes to visit her and confesses to being wrong. Tells her he's going to call more. About a week later, she becomes seriously ill and is diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. Pretty much a death sentence. He proceeds to spend most of the next month at the hospital, but unable to handle any of the obligations that come with power of attorney so I have to step in and make all the calls.

She ends up going into remission after chemo and doing great. But guess what? He's back to not seeing her for 8-12 weeks at a time, if he calls her I don't know about it, doesn't make any effort to see that our boys call her. Just like before she got sick.

I have come to the realization that she's not my issue anymore. She probably thinks that most, if not all of this, is my fault. I just don't really care anymore. She is his issue, he needs to step up. My mother sees the boys almost every day, talks to them, knows what is going on and is a part of their lives, and a lot of that is because she makes sure she's aware and involved. MIL doesn't. She always said she didn't want to be "that kind of parent" so she's completely out of the loop. Frankly, I have very little respect for her and the way she raised her sons or the way she behaves now. She had an opportunity to really tell DH that things needed to change (hey, you're this sick you have a right to see your grandkids more). But again she chose to not get involved.

I have personally not seen her since last April when DS#1 was in play at school. He drove down and brought her back, never asked anyone about his plans and ended up in hours of traffic, because he chose a time frame that worked for him, but not for anyone else. He's lucky he made it back in time for the show.

All of this is a long winded way of saying that I just don't have much feeling for her anymore, don't respect the way she has lived her life or raised her sons (DH and I have plenty of issues that stem from that) and just decided that she's his responsibility, not mine.

I'm sure in the grand plan of life, she's a lot better than a lot of other MILs. I just don't care one way or the other anymore.

 

[busyshrew]

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.

When it came time for them to go, DS came in and sat real close to me and whispered "I'm sorry, but I guess we have to go". They had to go back to her family's house and then go home tomorrow. I could see the stress and hurt on his face when he had to tell me that. I just smiled and asked when they would be able to come back. He said in a couple of months.

I know that if he wants things to be differently he needs to step up and tell her; but I also know how hard a wife can make things on her husband if she doesn't get her way--and visa versa. (hey, I am not a perfect wife. I have made life hard on my dh too at times.)

I told DH that from now on when they call and say they will be coming down on such and such weekend, I will not plan anything ahead. I will just say to them to let me know when they will be at the house and that we will plan from that. I refuse to cause my child stress over coming to visit me. (this is in addition to the other things I said I will do)

Until I read this post, I really had no opinion about you or your relationship to your DIL. But after reading your posts in combination, I'd like to say your resentment and anger toward your DIL is starting to show.

Please, do not underestimate your DIL's ability to perceive your negative feelings about her, whether they are justified or not. I firmly believe most communication is non-verbal and I'd lay a bet that DIL knows what you really think even if you aren't saying any words out loud.

It sounds to me like somehow, somewhere, you've lost credit with your DIL. And it also sounds like you might have a devil of a time earning it back.

I used to listen to Dr. Schlessinger's radio show... she was over-the-top, rude, loud... you name it. But the one piece of advice that she consistently gave and that I have now come to agree with? (Most) Men will pick the woman they are sleeping with over their mother. And if you want to have a good relationship with any future or existing grandkids, you will really have to suck up to the DIL.

BTW - I like my MIL very much. I do not agree with her life choices, her beliefs about higher education, how to raise children, how much contact she wants to have (or not have) with us, you name it and we probably disagree about it. BUT. BUT!! She has always treated me with the utmost respect and has never attempted to undermine my personal authority in my own home. She also made it crystal clear that she never wanted her son back.... I think we figured it out when she called DH two weeks after he and I moved in together to tell him to hurry up and get all his stuff out of the basement, they had plans for the space !

 

[Scurvy]

I don't mind that they took the photos. Of course people take all sorts of photos with different people, especially at weddings.

What I object to is the GIANT painting that they had made from the photo (from our wedding no less) that excludes me as part of their family.

I would have a problem with that, too! It's bizarre that they would do something like that.

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.

When it came time for them to go, DS came in and sat real close to me and whispered "I'm sorry, but I guess we have to go". They had to go back to her family's house and then go home tomorrow. I could see the stress and hurt on his face when he had to tell me that. I just smiled and asked when they would be able to come back. He said in a couple of months.

I know that if he wants things to be differently he needs to step up and tell her; but I also know how hard a wife can make things on her husband if she doesn't get her way--and visa versa. (hey, I am not a perfect wife. I have made life hard on my dh too at times.)

I told DH that from now on when they call and say they will be coming down on such and such weekend, I will not plan anything ahead. I will just say to them to let me know when they will be at the house and that we will plan from that. I refuse to cause my child stress over coming to visit me. (this is in addition to the other things I said I will do)

luvsJack - I'm glad you all were able to have a nice evening! Hopefully your daughter-in-law will start to feel more like a part of your family and you'll be able to have many more evenings like that in the future.

 

[diznygirl]

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.

When it came time for them to go, DS came in and sat real close to me and whispered "I'm sorry, but I guess we have to go". They had to go back to her family's house and then go home tomorrow. I could see the stress and hurt on his face when he had to tell me that. I just smiled and asked when they would be able to come back. He said in a couple of months.

I know that if he wants things to be differently he needs to step up and tell her; but I also know how hard a wife can make things on her husband if she doesn't get her way--and visa versa. (hey, I am not a perfect wife. I have made life hard on my dh too at times.)

I told DH that from now on when they call and say they will be coming down on such and such weekend, I will not plan anything ahead. I will just say to them to let me know when they will be at the house and that we will plan from that. I refuse to cause my child stress over coming to visit me. (this is in addition to the other things I said I will do)

Sounds like you have a good attitude about the whole thing. This will go a long way to keeping up a good relationship with your son.

 

[luvsJack]

You are a very wise lady to not put pressure on your Son. It hurts him terribly to have to treat you this way, it's not his fault. When he and his wife leave you can be sure he tells her what he thinks.

How do I know? I'm in the same situation as your Son and have been for many many years. It's awful.

If you feel the same way he looked like he did when he told me good-bye--I am so sorry for you.

I really, really had to take a breath before I said anything so I wouldn't cry. Not from my hurt but from the look on his face.

 

[Disney Doll]

MIL's tend to think that all the good stuff is their son's idea and all the bad stuff is their DIL's idea.

I agree, which is why son needs to man up if it is HIS choice to not have a close relationship with Mom and tell Mom that & the reasons why rather than letting wife take the blame.

I have little respect for a man who will ignore his mother and not have the guts to tell her why. I have little respect for a man who will allow his wife to be the "bad guy" if HE is actually the one who prefers not to have too much to do with his mother.

I have little respect for a man who doesn't have the guts to tell his wife that she is wrong in her treatment of his family, when his wife is wrong. I have little respect for a man who doesn't have the guts to tell his mother that she is wrong in her treatment of his wife, when his mother is wrong.

You see, the bottom line issue here is THE MAN. He is the common denominator. He needs to make sure everyone is very clear on where he stands and why, instead of all the avoidance tactics, not wanting to deal with it etc.

I thank God for my husband. He always "manned up" with regard to his mother and I, the very few times we had an issue, and made sure we both understood very clearly what his thoughts were. I am very fortunate. By the same token, I never kept his from his family nor did I treat them like 2nd class citizens.

 

[disykat]

She has NEVER refered to me as her daughter or ever asked me to call her mom. She signs cards finally with her first name. !

Please don't let this be a sticking point. I can't imagine ever calling my MIL mom or having a future DIL call me mom. I would actually be very upset if my MIL introduced me as her daughter. I would have to bite my tongue to keep from correcting her. I simply don't see it as being true. Maybe your MIL feels the same and that part doesn't have anything to do with you.

He and I talk in some form or fashion every day that he is home from work (he works on an oil rig). He always wants to know what is going on with his siblings and the rest of the family.

Weighing in on this too. One of our biggest things in marriage counseling when was getting my husband to STOP daily contact with his parents. It made visiting them much easier when he did so. If his wife feels like he is talking to his mom more than he does her, it can cause BIG resentment!

I'm not their child - of course they don't think of me as the same kind of family member as my husband is. I don't consider them my parents, either. That doesn't mean we don't love each other, but I completely understand why they want some pictures of just their nuclear family. Sometimes I'm the one encouraging them to pose so I can take the picture.

I feel the same way. Heck, at my grandparent's 60's wedding anniversary one of my favorite pictures was the one of my grandparents with "their" kids. Of course, it was displayed right next to the one that had spouses included.

UPDATE: DS and DIL came today. They were here about 3 hours and we had a very nice dinner and spent time just sitting and talking. It was nice having all my kids in the same room for a little while.
I'm sure it was nice, and you DO deserve that! Three hours is not exactly "equal time" and she IS favoring her family.
When it came time for them to go, DS came in and sat real close to me and whispered "I'm sorry, but I guess we have to go". ........
I know that if he wants things to be differently he needs to step up and tell her;
Yep - he needs to fix this!
I told DH that from now on when they call and say they will be coming down on such and such weekend, I will not plan anything ahead. I will just say to them to let me know when they will be at the house and that we will plan from that. I refuse to cause my child stress over coming to visit me. (this is in addition to the other things I said I will do)

I think backing off is probably the smart thing. I also think encouraging your son to work this issue out with his wife would be reasonable. The way it is now, your son is putting YOU in the position of "being in cahoots" with him with his wife as the bad guy - that's not healthy for any of you.