Message to MY Daughter in Law: UPDATE!!

[wdwfan16]

Hi, I don't have time to type out all my thoughts on mothers-in-law, but I CAN tell you that being the 2nd wife is very hard when it comes to family relationships. It is just a very weird position to be in. I'm not saying that necessarily plays a role in what is going on with your DIL, but please know it can be uncomfortable to try to integrate into a family where someone (the first wife) has already "played" your role.

In fact, I get to have the weird experience of being the step-mother at my step daughter's wedding shower this weekend. There aren't any hard feelings or animosity between me and her mother, but it is still going to be very bizarre. I am going for the sake of my step dd, but honestly I would rather just stay home and avoid the weirdness.

I hope you and your DIL can have a great relationship!

I can only imagine how hard it would be to be the new wife who follows a great first DIL.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't think you're wrong in your thinking but I also think sometimes men have their heads up their butts and simply don't realize there is an issue to be confronted.

Men aren't stupid and i think we do them a disservice when we assume they are, think they are or make an excuse for them.

If a man is not contacting his mother enough, it is not because he has his head up his butt or anything else...it is because he is choosing not to contact his mother. He ought to have the decency to tell her why.

 

[lillybug]

My husband needs to be begged and cajoled to call his mother. I cannot get the man to go see her. Calling is slightly easier, but still not a picnic. I often wonder if his mother thinks the problem lies with her DIL, but no, it is her son.

My husband is the same way. I have to remind him over and over to call his mother back. I'm the one who takes the time to buy her Birthday and Christmas gifts. I am also the one who talks him into going to see his parents, he would rather do anything else. All of this is done by me, but I am the one to take the blame for our absence. He doesn't have a bad or strained relationship with them, he just doesn't want to be bothered with any of it.

As a mother I'm sure that it's easier for my MIL to think that all the problems come from me, the DIL. It would hurt her to much to even think it could be him.

 

[jeepgirl30]

Ladies, most of us MIL's really are not out to steal your husband back as our little boys. We love them, we raised them to the best of our abilities and now we have sent them out into the world and hope for them to be successful and happy. We love them dearly but really, WE DO NOT WANT THEM BACK!!

If you do not live close to your mil and you and your dh come to visit.your families, its ok if you make time for his family too. Your mil is not "winning" anything by being able to fix a meal for you and your husband. Your mil is not trying to make you feel like you cannot be with your family, she only wants a little time with her son and with you, her daughter. And, please, remember that your mil is human too. She actually does have a life and so does the rest of your husband's family. They are not sitting and waiting to be graced with your presence, so they need to be told what your plans are for the time you are in town. Sometimes they really do have plans that cannot be changed by your whim.

Making it stressful for your husband to visit with his family is not the best thing for your marriage. When and if it comes to an argument over every visit, its going to be you he is angry with not his mother.

I do realize that there are some MIL that came straight from Hades. But, please, don't just assume yours is going to be that way.


Yes, I am having dil issues. I just don't get it. His first wife was the worst thing for him but the best addition to our family (I am glad she is out of his life, but do miss the way she made herself a part of our family). His second wife, wonderful for him but acts like a spoiled brat about everything! Always has to have her way and if she doesn't get it she makes things impossible for everyone else.

Ok, vent over. Smile on my face, ready to see them and spend an enjoyable day with them. (day, as in a few hours. long enough for me to cook dinner and give them their Christmas gifts. she is mad because she planned to spend that day with her family, although when I asked her their plans I was told they were going to spend the night before and that day with us. So now we get them from exactly the time I told we would eat until she manages to convinces him to leave)

Oh, one last thing. Remember that your MIL was once a young wife too. She is not stupid, she knows what you are doing. She also knows her son and she knows when the message is really coming from you and when it is coming from him.

Want to be my MIL?! I'd love for my MIL to want me included. She tolerates me better than the other DIL but makes comments about how she would like a "family" picture with HER kids and her, you know the boys and HER daughter. She has 2 DILs and only one DD so clearly we aren't the ones she wants in the photo!

Funny thing is, I go to more family functions without DH than he will go on his own. She just doesn't want me there!

She has NEVER refered to me as her daughter or ever asked me to call her mom. She signs cards finally with her first name. FIL (they are now divorced) used to say "call me firstname or Dad but not Mr!" she said "not me". I called her Mrs until about 2 years after we were married. We dated 5 years.

She has told me she wants her son back home. I think she should take him and try it for a month!

OP, not trying to argue with you. You should like a very loving person. Maybe DIL feels uncomfortable because she knows how well the first wife fit with the family and isn't sure how to fit in now. I'm sure you will win her over. if not, my offer stands!

 

[Magic Mom]

OP, I read a ton of bitterness and spite into your post. There would be no doubt that your dil would pick up on the same. I feel that since your DS is already on his 2nd marriage, that maybe your shouldn't be so quick to judge your dil.........................

How funny. I didn't read any of that in her post. I read frustration and sadness. I also think she probably goes out of her way to make things as smooth and pleasant as possible, but isn't getting the same in return. Also, she didn't judge her DIL in regards to the marriage. In fact she said her DIL treated her son well. SO I don't see where you get the last comment about her son's second marriage.

 

[jrmasm]

Men aren't stupid and i think we do them a disservice when we assume they are, think they are or make an excuse for them.

If a man is not contacting his mother enough, it is not because he has his head up his butt or anything else...it is because he is choosing not to contact his mother. He ought to have the decency to tell her why.

Sure in a perfect world. But again, how am I to blame for the choices my husband makes? That really was my point.

 

[Scurvy]

OP, I think the letter sounds like a wonderful idea. It could be that the girl just feels unsure and uncomfortable and knowing how you feel will help her to become closer to you. You sound like a great mother-in-law and I hope things get better between you and your daughter-in-law.

I think that there are many mothers-in-law who don't want things to change when their children get married. They don't like sharing their child with the child's "new" family and they tend to be too overbearing or controlling.

I also think there are plenty of daughters-in-law who are so determined to create their own family that they forget that their husband already has a family. They resent any time that their husband spends with his parents and refuse to "share" their children with the children's paternal grandparents. I suspect that these girls are very insecure and selfish.

Unfortunately, the relationship between Inlaws and the newly married couple can be difficult to begin with, and it's easy to assume that those involved fall into one of the above groups when really they are still trying to figure out the ins and outs of the relationship. And of course once either side decides that the other is bad, they start shutting them out and the relationship suffers.

I'm not a MIL, but I am a future-daughter-in-law who is navigating that tricky in-law relationship... trying to integrate into an established family... trying to figure out my place and the kind of relationships I'm going to have with my new family members.... not wanting to step on toes... not wanting to leave out either set of parents or siblings.

MJMouse, I love the way you said this. So many relationships would be better if everyone remembered this. (Not referring to the OP here - she sounds like a very good MIL!) The mother-in-law needs to remember that her daughter-in-law is now a part of the family, not just some woman that has latched on to her son. The daughter-in-law needs to realize that in addition to forming a new family with her husband, she is also becoming a part of his family with his parents and siblings (if he still feels connected to them, at least) just as he is becoming a part of her extended family.

 

[RitaZ.]

You are absolutely right and that's why the soin should speak up to his own mother and tell her why he choooses to not have a close relationship with her. Instead, most sons just let their wife take the fall.

Cowardly if you ask me.

There is a lot of truth in this. Most sons will do whatever they have to do to avoid a confrontation with their moms. It is cowardly.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sure in a perfect world. But again, how am I to blame for the choices my husband makes? That really was my point.

Because the world's not perfect,as you said, and how many mothers are going to think that their child would wish to not have a relationship with them?

 

[pilesoflaundry]

If all thats true then she should stop coming to my house uninvited when we are not home, and going through our laundry bin thoroughly to pick out her sons items and taking them home to wash.

And your dh has let this go? No freaking way. I would have locks changed or make him go home to mommy or something before I would take that.

I love my mil, she's better than most but she has her moments and it ruins the visit. I just hope when I get old I don't get cranky

 

[luvsJack]

Wow, you are a great person. Best wishes with your relationship with her.

Thank you!

Hi, I don't have time to type out all my thoughts on mothers-in-law, but I CAN tell you that being the 2nd wife is very hard when it comes to family relationships. It is just a very weird position to be in. I'm not saying that necessarily plays a role in what is going on with your DIL, but please know it can be uncomfortable to try to integrate into a family where someone (the first wife) has already "played" your role. In fact, I get to have the weird experience of being the step-mother at my step daughter's wedding shower this weekend. There aren't any hard feelings or animosity between me and her mother, but it is still going to be very bizarre. I am going for the sake of my step dd, but honestly I would rather just stay home and avoid the weirdness.

I hope you and your DIL can have a great relationship!

I think that this is a big portion of the problem. We were very close to his first wife. She got on drugs and we were very concerned for her after the divorce. Dil felt threatened by our concern even though we tried very hard not to voice our concern around her or ds.

 

[dislaney]

Thank you!



I think that this is a big portion of the problem. We were very close to his first wife. She got on drugs and we were very concerned for her after the divorce. Dil felt threatened by our concern even though we tried very hard not to voice our concern around her or ds.

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head there. It is hard to be a second wife when the first one is still loved by the family. I think many second wives feel a little insecure about the relationship that their in-laws have with the ex-wife and have a hard time with that. I think your letter is a great idea. I get along well with my in-laws now but when I first married my husband, I had to learn that they were very different from my family and navigate a good relationship with them. I felt slighted by things that were really just the way they are. They are very reserved compared to my family and it was just different. Good luck. I hope your relationship gets better!

 

[Amy&Dan]

OP: I am so sorry you are going through this. We all know our kids will grow up and away from us, but sometimes the extent that happens is just painful and hard to comprehend.

I see both sides of this. I watched my own mom be hurt for so many years because she felt like once my brother married she was off the radar. There were two sides to the story but in the end, she felt that way because she was not being treated imho properly. And it hurt her until the day she died. I so wish things had been different and as a mom to a son, I can only imagine how that felt to her. And its not that uncommon. When you add the fact that moms of daughters usually want full control (hence the reason couples usually spend holidays with the wife's family because wife's mom wants it that way), and that men are loathe to get involved between the women in their lives, its no small wonder it does happen so often.

On the other hand, my mil is the epitome of nasty mil's so I see it from the angle of "why would I want to be at your house for any holiday when you treat me like an enemy, talk about me behind my back, cause trouble between dh and I even if it means you lie to his face about something I have supposedly done, and tell me how much beneath your familiy I am". Which is not your scenario at all, but I know that I have very much made my mil hate my guts for taking her son away.

Families are tough! I hope your dil comes to realize that there is room in her life and her heart for your family as well as hers. Your son needs to stand up to that kind of pressure and be loyal to his mom!

And I agree, its hard for the second wife if the first wife was a beloved member of the family. But that is still no excuse.

I hope it gets better.

 

[luvsJack]

Just wanted to step in here and say that this is not about my son not wanting a relationship with me or his family.

He and I have always been very close. There was a period of time in my sons' lives that it was just me and them. We became a team back then and have always been there for each other since. I have never tried to interfere with either of my sons and their relationships. I have accepted and tried to be friends with every girl either of them ever dated.

He and I talk in some form or fashion every day that he is home from work (he works on an oil rig). He always wants to know what is going on with his siblings and the rest of the family.

 

[luvsJack]

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head there. It is hard to be a second wife when the first one is still loved by the family. I think many second wives feel a little insecure about the relationship that their in-laws have with the ex-wife and have a hard time with that. I think your letter is a great idea. I get along well with my in-laws now but when I first married my husband, I had to learn that they were very different from my family and navigate a good relationship with them. I felt slighted by things that were really just the way they are. They are very reserved compared to my family and it was just different. Good luck. I hope your relationship gets better!

Yeah, I think that maybe as part of that letter I need to tell her that we love her in her own right. Our affection for the ex-wife is in no way a threat to her.

 

[Jennasis]

My MIL is straight up crazy. DH finally had it upto "here" with her after she picked a fight with him over nonsense on Christmas Eve last month. The fight culminated with her telling him he should "just kill himself.".

She can rot. The relationship with her as far as I am concerned is at best, forever changed (and not in a good way) or worst, DEAD.

She seems to think that I am the mastermind behind his every move. She's out of her mind.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I find that, when it comes to relationships with in laws, most get what they give...

 

[Nancyg56]

Thanks for the hugs everybody!

I think after this visit I will write my dil a letter and let her know how I really do feel about her. I love the fact that she is devoted to my son and I love how she takes care of him and that they are best friends. I love that she took the time to become a sister to my daughter and I love how she instantly accepted my younger son's gf as a sister and how much she loves my darling grandbaby. I think she is a beautiful young girl with a lot of potential for success.

.

I think this is a great idea. Perhaps once she is secure with your son she can become secure with all of you but if she knows how much you care for her she may gravitate toward you rather than try to stay away. Good luck!

 

[luvsJack]

My MIL is straight up crazy. DH finally had it upto "here" with her after she picked a fight with him over nonsense on Christmas Eve last month. The fight culminated with her telling him he should "just kill himself.".

She can rot. The relationship with her as far as I am concerned is at best, forever changed (and not in a good way) or worst, DEAD.

She seems to think that I am the mastermind behind his every move. She's out of her mind.

Thats horrible for you and your dh. I can't imagine telling your child they should just kill them self!!

Obviously he is better off without a relationship with his mother.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My MIL & I got along fine (she's since passed away), so I feel very blessed to have had minimal MIL difficulties...occasionally she aggravated me but I am quite sure that occasionally I aggravated her...that's what family does. My own mother aggravates me as times too, so I couldn't expect much less from my MIL! She was a good person with a good heart and usually meant well, so even if there were times when I got frustrated, I always tried to remember that.

I often feel badly for mothers or sons because they think their problem is with their DIL when really their problem is that their son doesn't have the "gumption" to stand up to his wife, so he lets the wife take the blame.

I mean no disrespect to your MIL, but I thought that said, "My MIL & I get along fine (since she's passed away).