Mental health issues, and those affected indirectly

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Just kind of a vent, and seeing if anybody has shared stories of indirectly being affected by those with mental health issues.

I know a couple weeks ago I was having such a bad day b/c DH totally snapped on me about a Walmart order. Last night, DH had a complete meltdown about stuff (which was not related to me or anything I did). I think the root of DH's issue is his brother. I will preface this by saying that I DO like the man, he is a nice guy.

Brother inlaw, is 50-something, no job (besides the occasional substitute teaching gig which he has maybe done a couple times in the year 2025). He lives with his mother. (I know I took some heat before for making a snarky comment about this, but I really believe the root of the problem is here). The man IS a college graduate, however he has not (since I've known him) really had a steady job for more than a few months at a time. He always finds a way to get fired for various reasons...usually something pertaining to incompetence. He has been diagnosed with depression, and he IS seeing a team of doctors. However, these doctors are really not able to make any progress with him. My mother inlaw acted as a catalyst with bringing this to the forefront. My mother inlaw is 80-something and she made DH promise when she dies, that he will not let his brother end up homeless. Brother inlaw afford to maintain the house that he lives in with her w/o her income because he has 0 income basically. He is not capable of doing the basic chores, let alone paying the bills etc. This is where DH has started freaking out, because neither he, (nor I) could stand living with the man. I know some said I was being dramatic when I said he annihilated our basement bathroom that day while I was working. If anything what I described was very understated. The man lives this way, and his mother has always been there to pick up after him and clean up his messes.

He is at the point where he will do absolutely NOTHING besides lounge around and watch TV. He will break various things around the house, and my mother inlaw will be bugging everybody around to fix it. For example, last night at dinner (we had an outing that he did not attend), she asked my step-daughter to come over and see if she could fix something he had broken in the house. Also last night, he interrupted the dinner the CHOSE not to attend, asking me what HIS wifi password is. I had to look it up on my phone on stored passwords. He will call and be like I don't know how to do something on the TV, how do I do this? Come out here, and fix my printer. It's like I am not in IT, I have to google everything, I get a crash course in how to fix various issues. Because I peck on a computer a lot for work does NOT make me some sort of IT expert like I have been crowned. I have to google things... he is perfectly capable of googling too, it's just easier for him to ask somebody to google it for him. I have had to drive out to their house before to open the printer and dig out jammed paper. A 50-something year old man is should be perfectly capable of doing something like that, and using google himself. He is constantly calling DH and the son inlaw to come out and fix various things around the house he has broken such as drawers off track etc. I get the part where my MIL being an 80something year old woman may not be able to handle those tasks, but this man living there rent free should be able to do something. It is like watching after a toddler sometimes. I should pump the brakes now because I am really starting to rant.

 

[lanejudy]

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[easyas123]

I don’t think you have a BIL problem, I think your husband has a mother problem.
My guess is your husband will never be at peace until he comes to terms with the fact that he is not responsible for his mothers or brothers actions and his brothers inability to care for himself isn’t something that he can change.
50 years of behavior & enabled behavior requires protracted professional involvement I’d presume.
I wish you & him good luck…at this point I’d say your husbands time might be better served getting HIMSELF prepared for the inevitable because that’s the only thing he can control/contribute to for his own wellbeing.
Sometimes being selfish is a good thing. Your husband should be selfish for his own mental health & speak to someone who can maybe help him realize his goals.
Good luck!

 

[Kitty 34]

Just kind of a vent, and seeing if anybody has shared stories of indirectly being affected by those with mental health issues.

I know a couple weeks ago I was having such a bad day b/c DH totally snapped on me about a Walmart order. Last night, DH had a complete meltdown about stuff (which was not related to me or anything I did). I think the root of DH's issue is his brother. I will preface this by saying that I DO like the man, he is a nice guy.

Brother inlaw, is 50-something, no job (besides the occasional substitute teaching gig which he has maybe done a couple times in the year 2025). He lives with his mother. (I know I took some heat before for making a snarky comment about this, but I really believe the root of the problem is here). The man IS a college graduate, however he has not (since I've known him) really had a steady job for more than a few months at a time. He always finds a way to get fired for various reasons...usually something pertaining to incompetence. He has been diagnosed with depression, and he IS seeing a team of doctors. However, these doctors are really not able to make any progress with him. My mother inlaw acted as a catalyst with bringing this to the forefront. My mother inlaw is 80-something and she made DH promise when she dies, that he will not let his brother end up homeless. Brother inlaw afford to maintain the house that he lives in with her w/o her income because he has 0 income basically. He is not capable of doing the basic chores, let alone paying the bills etc. This is where DH has started freaking out, because neither he, (nor I) could stand living with the man. I know some said I was being dramatic when I said he annihilated our basement bathroom that day while I was working. If anything what I described was very understated. The man lives this way, and his mother has always been there to pick up after him and clean up his messes.

He is at the point where he will do absolutely NOTHING besides lounge around and watch TV. He will break various things around the house, and my mother inlaw will be bugging everybody around to fix it. For example, last night at dinner (we had an outing that he did not attend), she asked my step-daughter to come over and see if she could fix something he had broken in the house. Also last night, he interrupted the dinner the CHOSE not to attend, asking me what HIS wifi password is. I had to look it up on my phone on stored passwords. He will call and be like I don't know how to do something on the TV, how do I do this? Come out here, and fix my printer. It's like I am not in IT, I have to google everything, I get a crash course in how to fix various issues. Because I peck on a computer a lot for work does NOT make me some sort of IT expert like I have been crowned. I have to google things... he is perfectly capable of googling too, it's just easier for him to ask somebody to google it for him. I have had to drive out to their house before to open the printer and dig out jammed paper. A 50-something year old man is should be perfectly capable of doing something like that, and using google himself. He is constantly calling DH and the son inlaw to come out and fix various things around the house he has broken such as drawers off track etc. I get the part where my MIL being an 80something year old woman may not be able to handle those tasks, but this man living there rent free should be able to do something. It is like watching after a toddler sometimes. I should pump the brakes now because I am really starting to rant.

Here's a big You so need it.

 

[barkley]

I get you-been there only it was my brother. it was a nightmare. it got to the point where mom needed to go into assisted living and when her house was being sold he suddenly became entirely capable of researching housing laws and then getting himself free legal aide to argue his 'rights' to continue to live in the house b/c of some supposed unwritten agreement between him/mom where he had exchanged caregiver (of her) duties in exchange for lifetime free residency . we got that cleared up and they lived apart for a short time until he coerced his way into her assisted living apartment (management did'nt care/would'nt do anything b/c he always stayed out of the public areas and they got their rent from mom each month )
it got worse after that b/c as she aged and it became apparant that she was headed for nursing care he knew his time in her housing was short so he convinced her to change all her paperwork to name him for making decisions/access to financials. I think the only thing that kept him from delaying more the moving of her to the care she needed and emptying the bank accounts was my getting adult protective services involved so he knew he was being monitored.

we (me/dh/my sibling) knew my brother was capable, if we had thought otherwise we would have made an adult protective services referral on HIM and let a public guardian step in (b/c mom was not capable of caring for him nor would he have been of her). it was grating, frustrating and infuriating to see their crazy co-dependancy for so many decades/have to listen to mom's complaints/constant concerns for his future 'care'. after mom's death there was of course a huge temper tantrum (involving law enforcement) on his part b/c his siblings would not enable him which created a permanant estrangement but for the remainder of his life he seemingly discovered the skills to successfully live independantly.

all I can suggest is try to create some boundaries and perhaps your dh can engage his other siblings to create some kind of plan of action for when the time comes that mom is no longer able to live in her home (and if there is any talk of bil's share-if there's any-of mil's estate going into a trust your dh needs to RUN, DO NOT WALK away from being the trustee).

 

[Mirabell Rose]

Yes, illness impacts the whole family tremendously. This is the case whether someone has cancer or a severe and persistent mental illness, but the latter carries much more stigma and misunderstanding.

You said your BIL is getting treatment from a team of doctors. Treatment teams are usually the approach for severe brain based illnesses. Sadly, we have not had significant breakthroughs in decades for these diseases. Long term depression is very hard to treat. No one asks for these diseases. While he may not have an income currently, those who have doctors who diagnosed such severe forms of depression can usually qualify for social security disability if treatment is not effective. So he will not necessarily need your long term financial support.

It can be very, very emotionally difficult dealing with a family member with this type of illness. I suggest you consider counseling, a family support group, or both. Learning how to help and maintain your own mental wellbeing is very important. I would inquire at your BIL’s treatment clinic as to where these resources are in your community.

Good luck. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. You are not alone. There are millions of us with family members who are trying our best, and it isn’t easy.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Such a very sad situation. Sounds like major depression to me which can possibly be a full on disability. Since it doesn't sound like your brother would be inclined to fight this because of a pride issue I'd suggest DH having a frank discussion with his mother and brother about seeing a SSDI attorney and starting the process so he will always have some sort of housing and basic income with medical insurance.

Serious depression often looks like simple laziness but anyone around it long enough would see it is a debilitating illness that is lethal in more ways than one, it is not bad parenting and the person can't just snap out of it. Medications do not always work and untreated depression can lead to very serious consequences. I have a family member who refused treatment who ended up with vascular dementia, as I understand it depression and, in particular, resistant depression doubles the risk of dementia. I would get out in front of it as best as you can while the mother is alive to reason and counsel her son and head off catastrophic consequences. Try to make the mom understand that no matter how much your DH promises or tries there is no guarantee her unwell son will listen to or respond to your DH once she is gone as the illness progresses. If MIL really wants to make sure her son will be ok start the process and se a SSDI attorney, it takes years and is best started early. It sometimes takes years then a few rejections first, do not wait until it's in your face because it sounds like BIL will be incapable of doing this on his own.

These situations are always heartbreaking. Sad your DH is so upset, I'm sure he is angry this is hurting his mom and he can't intervene

 

[barkley]

I'd suggest DH having a frank discussion with his mother and brother about seeing a SSDI attorney and starting the process so he will always have some sort of housing and basic income with medical insurance.

if you decide to go this route I will suggest that whomever takes the lead on this try contacting social services where bill lives first. some social services departments in some states/counties have specially trained staff that can help adults with the initial steps in applying for social security disability while also evaluating them for any financial/medical insurance supportive services they may qualify for at a county or state level. where I worked these folks were called IGAR (information, guidance and referral) workers and they were very skilled at helping initiate the process (in my experience working with these clients the majority of social security disability attorneys won't even take on a client until they have applied, been denied and file for the first level of appeal).

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Yes, illness impacts the whole family tremendously. This is the case whether someone has cancer or a severe and persistent mental illness, but the latter carries much more stigma and misunderstanding.

You said your BIL is getting treatment from a team of doctors. Treatment teams are usually the approach for severe brain based illnesses. Sadly, we have not had significant breakthroughs in decades for these diseases. Long term depression is very hard to treat. No one asks for these diseases. While he may not have an income currently, those who have doctors who diagnosed such severe forms of depression can usually qualify for social security disability if treatment is not effective. So he will not necessarily need your long term financial support.

It can be very, very emotionally difficult dealing with a family member with this type of illness. I suggest you consider counseling, a family support group, or both. Learning how to help and maintain your own mental wellbeing is very important. I would inquire at your BIL’s treatment clinic as to where these resources are in your community.

Good luck. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. You are not alone. There are millions of us with family members who are trying our best, and it isn’t easy.

He has applied for SSD... and yes, DH and their mother had to do 99% of the work to get everything gathered up for the first consultation. DH had to go out to their house and google the # for one of his former employers because he would not do it himself.

I do not know the status of the claim or anything this consultation was just a very recent thing. I know DH had to take a half day from work to attend. It's been within the last month.

 

[Mirabell Rose]

He has applied for SSD... and yes, DH and their mother had to do 99% of the work to get everything gathered up for the first consultation. DH had to go out to their house and google the # for one of his former employers because he would not do it himself.

I know that is work. I have a family member who has an illness he cycles in and out of, but he can still work full time. However, when he is in a cycle he needs so much help as it is all he can do to keep up at his job. I keep telling myself I was there for the family member that went in and out of remission with cancer, this one deserves the same.

Bless the caregivers. So much of our society would fall apart without them.

 

[LuvOrlando]

He has applied for SSD... and yes, DH and their mother had to do 99% of the work to get everything gathered up for the first consultation. DH had to go out to their house and google the # for one of his former employers because he would not do it himself.

I do not know the status of the claim or anything this consultation was just a very recent thing. I know DH had to take a half day from work to attend. It's been within the last month.

It is a long grueling and intimidating process. I had records going back decades and feel the whole process was a nightmare, but in the end it was granted.

The individual meetings with SSDI are miserable angst inducing events and there is lot of long silence in between, noone talks about it and there is no way to prepare other than to know it is coming, I wish I knew what to expect because it was so very stressful. If your mom can get power of attorney it might help so she can be on the phone for the intimidating meetings/conversations. My own disability is physical but the process made me super depressed at the time. It is horrifying to talk to people you think are supposed to help you who behave like interrogators who don't believe you so if your BIL can manage an advocate it would probably be best. I honestly do not understand how anyone with mental health issues gets through it - although maybe this is intentional . It takes a very long time, a very very long time.

 

[kuhltiffany]

It can be very difficult and frustrating, I totally understand. Both my BIL have Schizophrenia and when I first met DH, both were being fully enabled by their parents.

We joke that DH picked me to marry on purpose, as I’m a Social Worker I now have them both on Disability benefits, trusts are in place and they are in supportive housing or have daily visits from community services.

Setting boundaries is key. But wait lists and processes take time (think years) so it’s imperative to understand how things work and how to navigate them. I looked at it as preventative, if I can get them figured out and what they need put into place, then I won’t have to deal with it later, especially if it turns into a crisis situation.

Hopefully you can find some help and support through this

 

[Travel60]

Most of the comments have been about your BIL or MIL. I'm going to comment on your husband. He takes on what he feels he must but he CANNOT take out his frustrations on you. He cannot make his problems (caused by HIS decisions) be your problems. Couple counseling might be in order or mental health counseling to help him break away from this dynamic. If he won't go to counseling, make plans for a place to stay, set aside some cash and if he unloads on you, walk out the door. Be gone for a few days or a week. Don't answer the phone. When YOU feel better, return but make it clear what you will and will not tolerate.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Personal opinion but your work from home thread and now this one focuses a lot on what your husband is doing, such as his behaviors. Just like your work from home thread it comes across, to me, that you are at the point of resentment built up over time. Resentment shone through clear as day against your brother-in-law on the work from home thread, resentment shone through clear as day against your husband on the work from home thread (in this case resentment with respects to how the work from home dynamic was working in your household).

I for sure agree you have a mother-in-law issue. Not because it's easy to put the finger there but that it's where the pressure is largely coming from. It was an impossible and completely unfair thing for his mom to make him promise to take care of his brother to ensure he's not homeless. I say that knowing for many years that should xyz person pass away in my family I would take on the caregiving for my autistic aunt should she still be alive at that time. I took that burden on willingly but the caregiving is not about a place to stay but the medical and financial aspect (meaning I would take on the power of attorney from my aunt, mother and uncle should they all be passed away before my autistic aunt does).

The boundaries between your husband and yourself in your relationship with your mother-in-law don't seem to have been put in place which is causing a lot of ripple effect. And ultimately it's hard to tell if there's support at this point on your end towards your husband (that's not blame just observation).

A few have touched on counseling and I think you and your husband both should explore that option for different reasons. 1) couples counseling so you can help that part, it was clear from your work from home thread there's much more going on there 2) counseling for you so you can help manage boundaries between you and your mother-in-law and you and your husband as well as try and relieve that resentment (which to me bleeds through heavily) 3) counseling for your husband so he can help manage boundaries and also help with the pressures from his family as well as give him support with his situation with his brother.

From my own experience I knew, saw and said something years before my sister was diagnosed with depression, I tried to bring it to my parents attention (divorced parents two different household three total parents) and none took it seriously. My sister was great at overloading her plate where it masked what was going on. So sleeping long hours in her room shutting herself off from the rest of the household was just explained away as "she has two part time jobs, she's got honors and AP classes, she's just tired from that". Her room being a disaster often where she would have me come in and clean it up for her was explained away by the same reasoning just so busy. Her sophomore year at college she was on academic probation and advised by the college to go home and don't come back until she had counseling. She never went back to that college and because she still owed them money she couldn't transfer those credits, ended up graduating from community college and eventually got a 4-yr degree later on. I mention the community college not because that's a downgrade to me but to her it was she was in Ivy League college.

It does sound like you're at the point of exhaustion both dealing with work and dealing with home life

 

[VandVsmama]

Just kind of a vent, and seeing if anybody has shared stories of indirectly being affected by those with mental health issues.

I know a couple weeks ago I was having such a bad day b/c DH totally snapped on me about a Walmart order. Last night, DH had a complete meltdown about stuff (which was not related to me or anything I did). I think the root of DH's issue is his brother. I will preface this by saying that I DO like the man, he is a nice guy.

Brother inlaw, is 50-something, no job (besides the occasional substitute teaching gig which he has maybe done a couple times in the year 2025). He lives with his mother. (I know I took some heat before for making a snarky comment about this, but I really believe the root of the problem is here). The man IS a college graduate, however he has not (since I've known him) really had a steady job for more than a few months at a time. He always finds a way to get fired for various reasons...usually something pertaining to incompetence. He has been diagnosed with depression, and he IS seeing a team of doctors. However, these doctors are really not able to make any progress with him. My mother inlaw acted as a catalyst with bringing this to the forefront. My mother inlaw is 80-something and she made DH promise when she dies, that he will not let his brother end up homeless. Brother inlaw afford to maintain the house that he lives in with her w/o her income because he has 0 income basically. He is not capable of doing the basic chores, let alone paying the bills etc. This is where DH has started freaking out, because neither he, (nor I) could stand living with the man. I know some said I was being dramatic when I said he annihilated our basement bathroom that day while I was working. If anything what I described was very understated. The man lives this way, and his mother has always been there to pick up after him and clean up his messes.

He is at the point where he will do absolutely NOTHING besides lounge around and watch TV. He will break various things around the house, and my mother inlaw will be bugging everybody around to fix it. For example, last night at dinner (we had an outing that he did not attend), she asked my step-daughter to come over and see if she could fix something he had broken in the house. Also last night, he interrupted the dinner the CHOSE not to attend, asking me what HIS wifi password is. I had to look it up on my phone on stored passwords. He will call and be like I don't know how to do something on the TV, how do I do this? Come out here, and fix my printer. It's like I am not in IT, I have to google everything, I get a crash course in how to fix various issues. Because I peck on a computer a lot for work does NOT make me some sort of IT expert like I have been crowned. I have to google things... he is perfectly capable of googling too, it's just easier for him to ask somebody to google it for him. I have had to drive out to their house before to open the printer and dig out jammed paper. A 50-something year old man is should be perfectly capable of doing something like that, and using google himself. He is constantly calling DH and the son inlaw to come out and fix various things around the house he has broken such as drawers off track etc. I get the part where my MIL being an 80something year old woman may not be able to handle those tasks, but this man living there rent free should be able to do something. It is like watching after a toddler sometimes. I should pump the brakes now because I am really starting to rant.

A couple of thoughts and a couple of questions:

• By "annihilated the bathroom," what exactly do you mean? Left it smelling like something died in there? Didn't flush when he was done? Or he smeared poop all over the walls? Define "annihilated."
• Since it sounds like you & your DH are probably in agreement that BIL should never come live with you, the 2 of you need to openly talk about it with each other and actually agree to not have him ever come live with you.
• Have you & DH discussed what level of assistance, if any, the 2 of you are willing to provide to BIL when your MIL dies?
• Be careful about the slippery slope of buying a property for the BIL to live in because you will then be BIL's landlord and based on his behavior, upkeep on the property will literally be a nightmare.
• AND if you were BIL's landlord, then if you ever needed to evict him for whatever reason, that will be a nightmare, too.
• Your MIL's heart is in the right place. But the solution should not be for you & DH to essentially become his parents.
• have you considered reaching out to his mental health care team at all? Your DH could bring up his concerns, inquire about what sort of housing options are available in the area given whatever your BIL's income currently is.
• If your BIL has fits of rage at times, punches holes in walls, that sort of thing, remember that sometimes, people with SMI (severe mental illness) can become violent towards other people. So watch out for that.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

A couple of thoughts and a couple of questions:

• By "annihilated the bathroom," what exactly do you mean? Left it smelling like something died in there? Didn't flush when he was done? Or he smeared poop all over the walls? Define "annihilated."
• Since it sounds like you & your DH are probably in agreement that BIL should never come live with you, the 2 of you need to openly talk about it with each other and actually agree to not have him ever come live with you.
• Have you & DH discussed what level of assistance, if any, the 2 of you are willing to provide to BIL when your MIL dies?
• Be careful about the slippery slope of buying a property for the BIL to live in because you will then be BIL's landlord and based on his behavior, upkeep on the property will literally be a nightmare.
• AND if you were BIL's landlord, then if you ever needed to evict him for whatever reason, that will be a nightmare, too.
• Your MIL's heart is in the right place. But the solution should not be for you & DH to essentially become his parents.
• have you considered reaching out to his mental health care team at all? Your DH could bring up his concerns, inquire about what sort of housing options are available in the area given whatever your BIL's income currently is.
• If your BIL has fits of rage at times, punches holes in walls, that sort of thing, remember that sometimes, people with SMI (severe mental illness) can become violent towards other people. So watch out for that.

#1 When I say annihilated, I mean there was poo on the toilet seat, top of the toilet lid, the wall, the floor, the sides of the toilet, the trashcan, toilet brush AND the door facing. He used an entire roll of toilet paper, threw it in the trashcan.... and to add insult to injury the dog dragged it out of the trashcan when I went upstairs to get cleaning supplies. and YES.... he stopped up the toilet. It as a DISASTER.

I guess he called his mother and let her know there had been in "incident", because she was calls me and said she would have him bring her out there and she would clean it up. (yes she just recently had surgery and was unable to drive). Him cleaning it up himself was never even an option, besides he wouldn't have done it right anyway. (yes we have had issues with him skidmarking toilet seats and saying he will clean it up and he never does or if he did clean up his mess he did a very poor because he leaves behind evidence) I told her nevermind, I already did it. I was not going to have an 80-something year old lady who just had surgery come all the way out here just to clean up his mess. The smell alone prompted me to get to resolve the issue ASAP.

#2 DH SAYS there is no way he can live with him. We agree on that.

#3/#4 We have only touched upon the level of assistance.... he will get his share of the sale of MIL's house when she passes. DH SAYS surely with that amt of money, he SHOULD be able to find a place to live. I literally would not be opposed to helping him pay rent somewhere just to NOT have him in our house. (however, that might not be realistic considering he does not have a job) However, he should be getting close enough to retirement age, that MIGHT help.

#5 I agree her heart is in the right place, but I almost hold her responsible for creating this monster. She constantly runs behind him picking up after him, cleans up his messes, ALLOWS him to live rent free. She guilts other family members into helping out. We have finally reached the point of laying down a hard rule we will NOT take his tests for him when applying for a job. It seems like a lot of jobs have those "MS Office proficiency tests"..... yea DH and I would take the tests for him. He wanted to get into banking, so I once took the test for him because I knew exactly what to say. Finally it was my step-daughter had a sit-down with him and MIL and was like "this is why he keeps getting fired" he can get a job but he has no skills, he has other people pass the tests for him. Therefore when it come time to perform, he is not capable. He will go through training, and get fired shortly after that. Of course it is always "somebody else's fault"... sometimes it might be, but this many times in a row... I think we all (besides him and his mother) know he is the problem.

#6 I have not had any involvement with his providers. DH and MIL always accompany him. I would HOPE there might be some know of low income housing he would qualify for. Again, it is hard for a 50-something year old man to justify not being able to do "something". They are working on getting him disability, his doctors are helping, and he has met with a lawyer.

#7... he does NOT seem to have rage issues thankfully. When he is breaking things around their house, it is due to NEGLIGENCE. He is always yanking drawers off the track. He ran over stuff in the garage with his car and made big mess, and messed up his car some because he wasn't paying attention while parking. He drove around on a flat tire and messed up that on his car. He takes no responsibility for his negligent actions, he is like oops, I did this... mom clean this up or find somebody who can fix this. For example his surround sound was not working, and it was up to my stepdaughter to fix it. Since she watches TV, to my MIL that meant she had the proper skillset to troubleshoot his home theater issues. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was wrong. The problem was he had LOST the remote. She was expected to fix it for him, but she was like I can do nothing without the remote. If we had the remote we could make it work, but we don't have that. I think they are ordering another one of Amazon or something now.

 

[barkley]

start keeping a log (and encourage your stepdaughter and anyone else he in the habit of contacting for help). a log of everything he asks for help with, every instance of property damage, the bathroom incidents, lost items, inability to appropriatly operate simple household objects, requests (or demands) for others to complete paperwork/do online tasks...b/c at some point in the social security disability process there will be questioning of his ability to function and the questions are often sent to other household members or family that the applicant is reliant on. being able to document specific repetitive examples will support his claim of disability.

 

[kuhltiffany]

start keeping a log (and encourage your stepdaughter and anyone else he in the habit of contacting for help). a log of everything he asks for help with, every instance of property damage, the bathroom incidents, lost items, inability to appropriatly operate simple household objects, requests (or demands) for others to complete paperwork/do online tasks...b/c at some point in the social security disability process there will be questioning of his ability to function and the questions are often sent to other household members or family that the applicant is reliant on. being able to document specific repetitive examples will support his claim of disability.

Totally this. And if you ever need to question/go after his competency, you will need clear evidence and examples too.

 

[VandVsmama]

#1 When I say annihilated, I mean there was poo on the toilet seat, top of the toilet lid, the wall, the floor, the sides of the toilet, the trashcan, toilet brush AND the door facing. He used an entire roll of toilet paper, threw it in the trashcan.... and to add insult to injury the dog dragged it out of the trashcan when I went upstairs to get cleaning supplies. and YES.... he stopped up the toilet. It as a DISASTER.

I guess he called his mother and let her know there had been in "incident", because she was calls me and said she would have him bring her out there and she would clean it up. (yes she just recently had surgery and was unable to drive). Him cleaning it up himself was never even an option, besides he wouldn't have done it right anyway. (yes we have had issues with him skidmarking toilet seats and saying he will clean it up and he never does or if he did clean up his mess he did a very poor because he leaves behind evidence) I told her nevermind, I already did it. I was not going to have an 80-something year old lady who just had surgery come all the way out here just to clean up his mess. The smell alone prompted me to get to resolve the issue ASAP.

#2 DH SAYS there is no way he can live with him. We agree on that.

#3/#4 We have only touched upon the level of assistance.... he will get his share of the sale of MIL's house when she passes. DH SAYS surely with that amt of money, he SHOULD be able to find a place to live. I literally would not be opposed to helping him pay rent somewhere just to NOT have him in our house. (however, that might not be realistic considering he does not have a job) However, he should be getting close enough to retirement age, that MIGHT help.

#5 I agree her heart is in the right place, but I almost hold her responsible for creating this monster. She constantly runs behind him picking up after him, cleans up his messes, ALLOWS him to live rent free. She guilts other family members into helping out. We have finally reached the point of laying down a hard rule we will NOT take his tests for him when applying for a job. It seems like a lot of jobs have those "MS Office proficiency tests"..... yea DH and I would take the tests for him. He wanted to get into banking, so I once took the test for him because I knew exactly what to say. Finally it was my step-daughter had a sit-down with him and MIL and was like "this is why he keeps getting fired" he can get a job but he has no skills, he has other people pass the tests for him. Therefore when it come time to perform, he is not capable. He will go through training, and get fired shortly after that. Of course it is always "somebody else's fault"... sometimes it might be, but this many times in a row... I think we all (besides him and his mother) know he is the problem.

#6 I have not had any involvement with his providers. DH and MIL always accompany him. I would HOPE there might be some know of low income housing he would qualify for. Again, it is hard for a 50-something year old man to justify not being able to do "something". They are working on getting him disability, his doctors are helping, and he has met with a lawyer.

#7... he does NOT seem to have rage issues thankfully. When he is breaking things around their house, it is due to NEGLIGENCE. He is always yanking drawers off the track. He ran over stuff in the garage with his car and made big mess, and messed up his car some because he wasn't paying attention while parking. He drove around on a flat tire and messed up that on his car. He takes no responsibility for his negligent actions, he is like oops, I did this... mom clean this up or find somebody who can fix this. For example his surround sound was not working, and it was up to my stepdaughter to fix it. Since she watches TV, to my MIL that meant she had the proper skillset to troubleshoot his home theater issues. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was wrong. The problem was he had LOST the remote. She was expected to fix it for him, but she was like I can do nothing without the remote. If we had the remote we could make it work, but we don't have that. I think they are ordering another one of Amazon or something now.

Thanks for that additional information re: the bathroom. I suspected it was more than "he stunk up the bathroom a lot." It takes a lot to get poo on the WALL. And on the DOOR.

And for somebody to just walk out of that, hardly say anything about it, and then later tell his elderly MOM "Oh there was an incident" and to expect his elderly mom to go clean up the room that he treated like a litter box...that's a sure fire sign that something is seriously wrong with that person.

Based on your description, your BIL used the bathroom as a litter box, but he totally missed the litter box and got excrement practically everywhere but IN the litter box (aka the toilet).

Do not ever let him move in with you.
Do not ever sign an apartment lease where you & DH are the co-signers on the lease.

Re: the job situation -
Based on what you described, it sounds like everybody has basically been enabling him. And, to be honest, in doing that, none of you have actually been doing him any favors. It's perpetuating the problem. You guys have all been helping him cheat his way into jobs.

But the good thing is that you all are finally starting to see that this is making the overall situation worse.

 

[PollyannaMom]

"Do not ever let him move in with you.
Do not ever sign an apartment lease where you & DH are the co-signers on the lease."

I agree!

It sounds to me like BIL is either a selfish jerk, or he's really quite ill. Is there a chance of getting a social worker on board?