Mean Teen Girls Vent Update page 9

[sbell111]

I think it's a little silly for people to be telling someone what a word means to a group when they are not part of the group and the person using the word is.

I think that if you really think about your post, you will realize that you are far from correct.

 

[Darsa]

Whew, I am standing right next to you in this corner, mom. My DD13 is of the super-sensitive, sweet type and when we moved last summer she started school with some of the most heinous, evil, ROTTEN teenaged girls I have ever encountered... and we live in farm country! She has definitely learned a lot in this past year, and has grown a tough outer shell that all of their crap just rolls off of, thank goodness. I know that the rottenness still hurts; I can only imagine how much worse it is that it's a relative.

So, no advice from me (other than to keep your own "outer shell" up to deflect the junk being flung at you here! ) but lots of sympathy, to be sure!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I just want to throw out a big: Bullies Suck! And I am sorry your daughter is going through that.

 

[Jennasis]

It never ceases to amaze me how cruel kids can be. DD13 first 2 weeks of camp this year was great!! Then a girl who went to the camp last summer for part of it, and who DD has known all her life showed up. She asked if she could hang with DD and her small group of freinds. DD of course being nice said yes.

First this girl told DD that she should wear shorter shorts (DD wears normal size shorts, I don't buy her things where her butt is hanging out), more tank tops and she should wear bikinis! She also told her she should straighten her hair. Now my DD is a beautiful young women, nicely proportioned with gorgeous long wavy hair. She dresses very appropriately for a 13 year old girl. In style, but not slutty or too grow up. Now this other girl is pretty, but chubby. She is also one of the rudest children I know. I am always shocked at the way she talks to her parents, and how they let her get away with it.

DD came home yesterday complaining about her and she said some really nasty things to DD. She told DD that kids won't be her freind at school once they find out DD is her cousin !! Yes, this mean girl is my DN. Now, DD has a very small circle of good freinds. DD is not the jappy, makeup, designer type of kid.
!

I stopped reading when I got to this part. I see it's been addressed already, so I'll move on. But...wow.

 

[Disney Doll]

Your DD seems to be growing into a lovely, confident young woman - kudos for you!

The only thing I would suggest to you is to show your DD that you will stand up for her. If your SIL ever says a word to your DD again, you must protect her. Go to SIL and say, very softly, "You will NOT speak to my daughter like that again. Ever. Do I make myself clear?" If she continues, have her and her family escorted from the property. Keep your cool, do not appear angry, just cold and collected. Do not respond to your SIL's allegations of rudeness, etc. "If she appears to me to be rude, I will deal with it. You will NOT speak to her like that again. Ever. Do I make myself clear?" Repeat as necessary. Don't be afraid of "making a scene"; your SIL already made one. But your daughter must know that you will protect her from the bullies you can deal with - and your SIL is certainly one.

I agree with this 100%. My house, my rules. No one will behave in a manner that I find unacceptable at my home and I don't care who they are.

And quite frankly, if I am elsewhere and someone is behaving in a manner that is unaccpetable to me, I have no problem saying "I am not tolerating cousin Susie's bad behavior" and leaving. Clearly, these people don't care what you think about them so why would you care what they think about you?

 

[Disney Doll]

Ignorance is no defense. And a slur is a slur.

As I tell my children, if you don't know what a word means, you darn well better not use it.

Actually, if I am reading the posts correctly, the person who used the word is of Jewish heritage and therefore probably understood perfectly well what she was saying and meant to convey exactly what she conveyed.

You call it a slur. Others call it a description.

 

[swanmom]

This is such a tough age. My DD and I had lots of talks about the mean or 'popular' (or both) girls who love to make themselves feel big by making others feel small. She even developed a 'code' word for her strategy in dealing with this. When this happens, she says you have to "WAB" it. It stands for "water off a duck's back" - meaning it has just as little importance and does just as little harm as water does to a duck and, if you let it roll off, lasts about as long! It actually helped her 'reframe' her reactions to these girls and she would brag about how she figured out a way to WAB it!

 

[Disney Doll]

No, perception is more important than the intention.

This is no different than saying "you are so gay." Is that acceptable to you as well?

If the person was really happy, it would be perfectly acceptable to me.

If the person is homosexual, telling them they are gay would be a statement of fact, not an insult.

If the person is not homosexual, are you insinuating that it would be insulting to be referred to as homosexual? Why do you think that?

Is it your perception that being referred to as homosexual if one is not is an insult? I don't have that same perception. Why do you perceive homosexuality as insulting?????

 

[Darsa]

If the person is not homosexual, are you insinuating that it would be insulting to be referred to as homosexual? Why do you think that?

Is it your perception that being referred to as homosexual if one is not is an insult? I don't have that same perception. Why do you perceive homosexuality as insulting?????

Sometimes I disagree with you DD, but on this one, from me you get a great big

My younger brother is gay and this subject has come up at LENGTH at our house; the discussion is always lively and very often funny or downright hilarious; the thing is, being gay is not something that's looked down upon in our family, by any of us.

So, to you!

Derail's done!

 

[JoiseyMom]

I agree with this 100%. My house, my rules. No one will behave in a manner that I find unacceptable at my home and I don't care who they are.

And quite frankly, if I am elsewhere and someone is behaving in a manner that is unaccpetable to me, I have no problem saying "I am not tolerating cousin Susie's bad behavior" and leaving. Clearly, these people don't care what you think about them so why would you care what they think about you?

I was not at my home, I was at the home of my DS's future in-laws with extended family and friends for a casual engagement party. My sil is who she is, and that isn't saying much. I handled it the most mature way to handle it. Any confrontation of any type at the time to her, would have done no good. And I wasn't going to dothat there. DD understood that and knows the type of person her Aunt is.

My SIL made an *** out of herself and I let her. I told DD she was correct in what she said and how she acted and that I was proud of her for sticking up for herself. Anything I would have said to my SIL would have turned into a nightmare. I wasn't going to do that there.

The only times my SIL even calls my house is for a favor. She needs me to pick up one of her kids, or watch them since she is going somewhere. These are few and far between thank heavens!!

I don't care what my SIL thinks of me and never have. We got into a hugh fight 12 years ago, and I didn't talk to her or my brother for 6 months! What a nice and quiet 6 months!! They also didn't live in my town then. We only started talking again because my mom passed away. To this day I know exactly the type of person my SIL is, and I speak to her because she is my brothers wife...but I really dislike her personally and am amazed at what my brother puts up with. The things she has done just makes me go . She is not the sort of person I would want as a friend. And I have felt this way since I was a teen and she was dating my brother. I have actually said to my DN16, not the mean one, if you need a place to escape too, you are more then welcome to come to my house. I wish I was closer to her, but sadly it wasn't meant to be. She does have my older DS to talk too and go to, so that is good for her.

 

[jrmasm]

If the person was really happy, it would be perfectly acceptable to me.

If the person is homosexual, telling them they are gay would be a statement of fact, not an insult.

If the person is not homosexual, are you insinuating that it would be insulting to be referred to as homosexual? Why do you think that?

Is it your perception that being referred to as homosexual if one is not is an insult? I don't have that same perception. Why do you perceive homosexuality as insulting?????

Do you deny that it is not uncommon for teens/young adults to say "you are so gay" as an insult? Or 'don't be retared'.

The OP used the term "jappy" as a negative stereotype. That makes it a slur not matter who says it.

 

[esbrick]

You and others can tell yourself that all you want but you are wrong. It is no different than gay or retard or the 'n' word.

It's really sad that you can't see that.

jrmasm I'm sorry, I realize this is your opinion, however, calling someone the "n" word is in my opinion ignorant and disgusting! There is absolutely no corolation whatsoever!

Calling someone a "retard" is terrible and immature, and I agree with you, tell you about the person using it. My DSD was called that by a cousin and the cousin, who is now my neice, got an earful for it. Using that kind of language is not how I want my family represented.

Calling someone gay, well, it depends on the person. I have friends that are gay, so it means nothing to me/them. I can't remember if and when I have ever used the word, to be honest, but it is all "HOW" you use it. Location, location, location! Ya gotta pick and choose with that one, I have better adjectives at this juncture of my life however

 

[frndshpcptn]

Do you deny that it is not uncommon for teens/young adults to say "you are so gay" as an insult? Or 'don't be retared'.

The OP used the term "jappy" as a negative stereotype. That makes it a slur not matter who says it.

You seem to be really harping on this...is there a reason this is such a "hot button" subject for you that would like to discuss? Perhaps it would help us understand where you are coming from, since many of us disagree with you.

 

[disneyjunkie]

When did JAP become a slur?

I graduated from a Brooklyn high school in 1986. Most the Jewish girls wore gold necklaces with the word JAP on them. Many of them had the word spelled out with diamonds.

Many of the black girls had BAP necklaces and the Spanish girls had PRAP or DAP.

I still see teens wearing them.

 

[JoiseyMom]

When did JAP become a slur?

I graduated from a Brooklyn high school in 1986. Most the Jewish girls wore gold necklaces with the word JAP on them. Many of them had the word spelled out with diamonds.

Many of the black girls had BAP necklaces and the Spanish girls had PRAP or DAP.

I still see teens wearing them.

Well one poster mainly thinks this, we have no idea why. I do know that I used it as an adjective to describe the type of child my daughter is not . So now I am a bad bad person for using such a naughty word .

But it has taken my vent thread about mean girls way for topic.....

 

[Disney Doll]

You're right...and I agree with you...mean girls suck and so do their parents if they know their child is mean and do nothing about it.

OP, I recall one of your posts saying that this kid's parents think she never does anything wrong. Where do people get parents like that? Mine always approached parenting with the underlying ideal that kids could be capable of anything if they are allowed to be. There was nothing I could do as a kid that would have surprised them. But I had friends whose parents were like that..."Oh my Suzie would never do something liek that" while Suzie is standing behind her Mom flipping the bird at passersby.

 

[JoiseyMom]

You're right...and I agree with you...mean girls suck and so do their parents if they know their child is mean and do nothing about it.

OP, I recall one of your posts saying that this kid's parents think she never does anything wrong. Where do people get parents like that? Mine always approached parenting with the underlying ideal that kids could be capable of anything if they are allowed to be. There was nothing I could do as a kid that would have surprised them. But I had friends whose parents were like that..."Oh my Suzie would never do something liek that" while Suzie is standing behind her Mom flipping the bird at passersby.

Her mother, my sil, says not my daughter, she would never do that, and doesn't care if there is another side to the story. My brother laughs and says yes my daughter is nasty and mean.

My sil spent years being infertile and trying to get pregnant..while her friends were having kids and her husbands younger sister (me) just popped em out! She spent years in therapy and had jealousy issues with her friends and with me. She is very permissive in some things and not in others.

I remember being allowed to watch my oldest neice at one point, she was 2, and my sil telling me she doesn't eat. Well I was able to get her to eat an english muffin with American cheese on it . Guess my sil was the type to give in and give junk and found it easier.

We may have lived nearby, but we were never close so I can't stay much more. I know they were both spoiled and that my oldest neice just wants out. I know some of the things my SIL has said to my oldest neice she should be shot for!! I really feel sorry for my nieces, my SIL has lots of issues but thinks she is better then anyone else and in my opinion is clueless.

I am far from being the best/perfect parent in the world, I have made a ton of mistakes and will make a ton more, but not in the category of my sil!

My main concern is my DD and protecting her, and that I will! If it means saying no to all invitations to my brothers, then I will. If my DD wants to hang with her cousin or talk to her on the phone, I will let her. There are times my DN is nice and my DD is very loving and forgiving. But she knows not to trust DN, adn that is sad when you can't trust family. But you can pick your friends, not your family.

 

[sbell111]

Well one poster mainly thinks this, we have no idea why. I do know that I used it as an adjective to describe the type of child my daughter is not . So now I am a bad bad person for using such a naughty word .

Wow. You are going a little too far with the innocent victim bit.

The fact is, you meant for the word to be negative when you used it. It was a negative thing that your precious daughter wasn't. Also, I'm not buying that just because your Jewish means that the word isn't a slur. The true test is whether someone not in that group would be OK using it. I imagine that you would complain plenty if I called you 'jappy'.

Regarding the thread's topic, based on the tone of your posts, I imagine that you would not possibly believe that your wonderful daughter could possibly be at fault. It is likely that you and your SIL have much more in common then you would admit to yourself.

 

[FireDancer]

Hopefully your daughter will let this roll off of her. Growing up I was very small and was made fun of all the time. About the 4th grade I stopped caring and when someone would call me short I started responding with a jab at myself (some thing like "that is why I was voted boy least likely to reach that") it stopped. It is still how I handle the comments about being short.

As far as the "slur" goes, who cares. I call people or things gay or retarded all the time. It has nothing to do with calling them someone who is attracted to people of the same sex or who have mental impairments, they are just words that are understood to have meanings beyond the literal meanings, that is all. I have gay friends and none of them care if I call a situation gay. I'm Polish and Italian and could care less if you call something or someone a pollock or a dego...who cares? Anyone offended by a word is way too full of themselves.

 

[Jennasis]

Hopefully your daughter will let this roll off of her. Growing up I was very small and was made fun of all the time. About the 4th grade I stopped caring and when someone would call me short I started responding with a jab at myself (some thing like "that is why I was voted boy least likely to reach that") it stopped. It is still how I handle the comments about being short.

As far as the "slur" goes, who cares. I call people or things gay or retarded all the time. It has nothing to do with calling them someone who is attracted to people of the same sex or who have mental impairments, they are just words that are understood to have meanings beyond the literal meanings, that is all. I have gay friends and none of them care if I call a situation gay. I'm Polish and Italian and could care less if you call something or someone a pollock or a dego...who cares?

This is one of the saddest, most infuriating things I've read in a while. As far as "who cares"?...I DO.