Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[LuluLovesDisney]

No not try to stir anything. Just am happy to be a mom with great kids. But don't come crying when your to old to have kids and then wonder why you can't get pregnant.

Enjoy Europe!

hollyb, I truly hope you are a mom that is content with your life and great kids, but it does seem odd for you to continually think everyone will want that kind of a life AND to continually post that on the "adults and solo travelers" board under a thread about "marrieds choosing not to have kids". To me it is like someone going to the "Gay and Lesbian" thread to post that homosexuality is wrong. Or what if someone came to the family boards and posted about their solo trip and how happy they were to go alone and put down those who have children. Would that be right? What makes people happy can vary so much from person to person. A lifestyle that makes one person happy, might make another miserable.

To insinuate people will "come crying when you're too old to have kids" is silly. I've never known anyone to regret that choice and if they did, they could always become a foster parent or try to adopt, no matter what their age. There are many children in this world who were uplanned, unwanted and are in desperate need of a good, stable home.

When people don't respect the validity of the responsible choices of others, and post on a thread where those people are trying to bond with like minds, it usually means they are trying to convince themselves of the issue more than others.

 

[kennancat]

I got a ten-minute lecture FROM MY GYN about the joys of having children. At this point, I was really, really fearful about the birth control chat we'd just had; I was afraid she was going to give me something with a low dosage or something to force me into feeling the joy. In conclusion, yes, it's inappropriate for the general public to ask about your child plans, but it should be illegal to get it from the person who is supposed to be your impartial doctor!

Seriously, I'd get a new gyno if I were you - and tell the old one why she made you so uncomfortable. Actually, I notice you're in Orlando too. Feel free to PM me if you need a recommendation; I like mine. She's asked if we plan to have kids, but I feel like that's more about helping me manage my health than trying to convince me to have them. Then again, mine's gyno only (no OB) so it's no loss of profit to her if I don't have kids

 

[rigs32]

I had a gyn once who gave me a hard time, too. Her attitude changed when she found out that this 20something already had her tubes tied and no intention to have kids. She actually told me that my only choices to deal with my debilitating cramps were the pill or to suffer. The pill affects my mental health, so she was saying I had to choose one or the other. Great doc, eh?

I did my research and found a great doc who practiced part time and taught at a top 20 med school part time. A pity she got hired as a full professor, but I guess she'll do some good with training new docs. She said that I didn't have to suffer and I now have an IUD that gets hormones into my uterus but not my blood stream. So, between that and the tubal, someone's in big trouble if I turn up pregnant.

 

[Hixski]

I have a little different take on not having children.

DH and I have been married for 21 years. We do not have children. We did not choose to not have children. It is just the way it worked out. It was bad enough having everyone ask when we were going to have children. Most have given up on that now that I am 46. (Gee did I really give my real age)

My issue with stupid questions now deal with:
Why didn't you try everything humanly and medically possible to have a child?
Why didn't you adopt?
Is that why you have a dog since you didn't have children?

The really stupid questions come from people that do have children. Most seem to be jealous that we like to have a good time and travel. Like we should not be able to have a good time. We should stay home and pity ourselves. My goodness. One couple told us we have disposable income without children. Yes we do. I am sorry that bothers some.

Hearing the words "Mommy I love you" would have been great but I too am getting tired of some attitudes towards not having children. Planned or otherwise.

 

[nono]

My issue with stupid questions now deal with:
Why didn't you try everything humanly and medically possible to have a child?
Why didn't you adopt?
Is that why you have a dog since you didn't have children?

I abhor the fact that people are so rude. As if you have any obligation to answer these questions!

The first two questions have moral (and other) issues attached to them. And for people to simply act like either are "always the right thing to do" is at minimum uninformed and at maximum insane. So, when folks ask that, you need to remember they've just telegraphed a lot about themselves.

The last question is just dopey. I've had dogs and I now have a child. Dogs are a LOT less hassle.

 

[Hixski]

Thank you nono.
I just wish more people thought like you. My DH usually says to people that ask us why we don't have kids. " How do you know we haven't been trying for 20 years and this makes us feel really bad" I try to have a little tact but he has no qualms saying these things at all. He has even told people to MYOB. You would have thought we shot them. I guess it just amazes me that the questions are even more rude if you wanted children and did not do everything possible to get them.

I guess I will have to just enjoy life. Our nieces (7 and 9) will be staying at our house this week. At least they don't care if we have children. They adore us just the way we are.

 

[tink98]

ok...I probably don't belong in here b/c I have kids...but wanted to add my thoughts (I have not read this entire thread - WOW is it long!)

My husband and I recently become friends with 2 other couples (having met as a result of a similiar interest). During an early conversation the topic of children came up and we shared that we had 2, one couple replied that they did not have any, and the other replied that they didn't have children but had 3 dogs and pulled up pictures on their camera phone (loved that since our 2 dogs may as well be 2 more children ) Was I curious why they did not have children? A bit, but I would never consider asking why not. I don;t feel it is my business and if they wanted to tell me why they do not have children, that is up to them(could be infertility, not ready, or simply not for them) . I would hope no one would ever consider asking me "Why would you have children?"

Now the wives of these couples often have lots more time to travel together at the spur of the moment, and do often invite me to come along. THIS IS THE PART THAT BOTHERS ME. I could very easily take off for the weekend and leave my husband and children home, but that's where I choose to be home with them. I sense that they feel bad that I can't come along because I have kids. Not the case, it's about choice.

I think everyone (not limited to this topic) should be a bit more sensitive to others choices and not try to convince each other that "my way must be the best way".

Now on a Disney note, DH and I have vacationed to WDW with and without our DS and DD and had a blast on all trips!

 

[kennancat]

Now the wives of these couples often have lots more time to travel together at the spur of the moment, and do often invite me to come along. THIS IS THE PART THAT BOTHERS ME. I could very easily take off for the weekend and leave my husband and children home, but that's where I choose to be home with them. I sense that they feel bad that I can't come along because I have kids.

I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to be with your family - that's your priority and your choice. I guess my take on this would be that it's better that they ask you than just automatically leave you out. If the last-minute part is what makes it difficult for you, I would propose you take the lead and plan a trip with them ahead of time. Maybe your DH could do something with the kids that you don't enjoy (fishing, camping, etc.) or take them to visit his parents and have some quality time with the grandparents. Or maybe you could just go out with them for an evening or a day trip if you don't want to be away from your family for the whole weekend. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt if they seem offended by your refusals - they may not realize that you're turning them down to be with family and just think you don't want to go along.

I would also add that I've found some of the people who are parents to have very insightful comments in this thread, so don't feel like you don't belong here. I don't have kids, so I can only imagine what my life would be like if I did. I appreciate people who do have kids being honest about the challenges they face instead of keeping up the "Hallmark greeting card" rosy picture of parenthood. I'd rather we get to a place where we can all respect one another's choices instead of cultivating a parents vs. non-parents mentality.

 

[maddhatir]

hollyb, I truly hope you are a mom that is content with your life and great kids, but it does seem odd for you to continually think everyone will want that kind of a life AND to continually post that on the "adults and solo travelers" board under a thread about "marrieds choosing not to have kids". To me it is like someone going to the "Gay and Lesbian" thread to post that homosexuality is wrong. Or what if someone came to the family boards and posted about their solo trip and how happy they were to go alone and put down those who have children. Would that be right? What makes people happy can vary so much from person to person. A lifestyle that makes one person happy, might make another miserable.

To insinuate people will "come crying when you're too old to have kids" is silly. I've never known anyone to regret that choice and if they did, they could always become a foster parent or try to adopt, no matter what their age. There are many children in this world who were uplanned, unwanted and are in desperate need of a good, stable home.

When people don't respect the validity of the responsible choices of others, and post on a thread where those people are trying to bond with like minds, it usually means they are trying to convince themselves of the issue more than others.

very well said LuluLovesDisney!

i am SURE we will ALL be looking for hollyb when we are older and are STILL HAPPY WITHOUT having had kids!

its funny because i AM "older" now...41 and DH and i have been together since we were 16-- and from the day we met- the ONLY conversation we had about kids is, we both dont want them. i consder myself SO! lucky that i found someone who felt the same way i did (and at such a young age) and was not HOUNDING me to have kids. we never had "the conversation" should we HAVE kids. not only did we feel it would be too much resposibility (for US!) BUT- at a young age and throughout our relationship, we also discuss how we would not want to bring a child into this world with so many of its problems (one example----yes, when we were in our 20s we ACTUALLY WERE AWARE OF GLOBAL WARMING AND THE EFFECTS IT WILL HAVE ON THE EARTH!---sorry government- the horse is already out of the barn-- it is too late to shut the barn door NOW!---- sorry OT!)

it must be hard for couples who are on opposite sides of the fence but still love each other and have that hanging over their heads all the time.

 

[Dee & Greg]

Married 17 years and child-free by choice. HollyB: why would you lurk on a Adult and Solo Travellers board and then waste precious time offending all of us child-free couples about how wrong we are? I don't spend my time on the families board, and I'm sure I'd get flamed if I did.

Let us have our opinions and choices.... thank God this is a free country.

 

[maddhatir]

Let us have our opinions and choices.... thank God this is a free country.

yeah- lets see how long that lasts........ seems people are trying to change that also everyday.

 

[SnowWhite]

When my wife and I were in highschool (we started dating just before grade 12) we always said that we were going to be career people and that we never wanted kids. I used to joke that I would rent them to mow the lawn and for father-son golf tournaments. A few of our friends started having kids in their very early 20's just after getting married and slowly it changed our views. I distinctly remember the moment I knew I wanted kids when a friends daughter puked all over me and my ralph lauren polo shirt (my favourite shirts) and I didn't even slightly get angry or excited about it. Kids went from the snotty nosed little winey embarrasements to adorable little rugrats. It was funny that both of us felt this way too. I guess we are lucky. I can't imagine my life without my kids now. Kids are not for everyone, and I certainly respect those who don't want them. I disagree with some of the people that have posted though, it is not selfish to not want kids. You make the choice that best suits your lifestyle. We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this trip in sept and 17 wonderful years together since that summer before grade 12. We have two great kids DD9 and DS3. Best wishes to everyone!

Rob (Snowwhite's DH)

 

[maddhatir]

I disagree with some of the people that have posted though, it is not selfish to not want kids. You make the choice that best suits your lifestyle.
Rob (Snowwhite's DH)

but rob-- what if that is really why i didnt have kids...because i AM selfish! ...seriously......

 

[SnowWhite]

LOL Maddhatir..............

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

We have been married for 7 years and I had a hysterectomy but prior to the surgery we had already decided that we did not want kids. I used multi barriers to insure that we did not have an accident.
We have a wonder relationship. We can do what we want when we want. We also have a total of 19 neices and nephews so anytime we want we have a kid we can spoil and then give them back to their parents.
My DH has a uncle and aunt close to our age and they too have no kids. Both them and us enjoy going to Disney.
If people are pushy just tell them that you have decided not to have kids and you enjoy the life you lead.

 

[hmp2z]

My DH & I choose to live a child-free life

I thought it was funny that, on our last trip to Orlando, we were driving down & stopped at a Denny's along the way. While we were waiting to pay our bill, a man in line in front of us looked at us and asked whether we were headed to Orlando, and we told him yes. He said that he was, too, with his family, and then asked, "Do you have kids yet?" Upon our reply in the negative, he said, "Then don't ever have them."

He then told us his story, of how he'd been trying to make it to Orlando in 1 day, and instead, his child got grumpy at 5 am, so they had to stop at this hotel, spend $150 for the night, to get 3 hours of sleep (he apparently woke them up at 8 am to try to get on the road). At this point, he was waiting for them to come down from the room, so they could hit the road again.

It just struck me as funny, since the "Don't ever have them" isn't usually the attitude I hear from parents I guess he could feel free to express himself since wife & child were away.

Cheers!
Heather W

 

[hollyb]

My DH & I choose to live a child-free life

I thought it was funny that, on our last trip to Orlando, we were driving down & stopped at a Denny's along the way. While we were waiting to pay our bill, a man in line in front of us looked at us and asked whether we were headed to Orlando, and we told him yes. He said that he was, too, with his family, and then asked, "Do you have kids yet?" Upon our reply in the negative, he said, "Then don't ever have them."

He then told us his story, of how he'd been trying to make it to Orlando in 1 day, and instead, his child got grumpy at 5 am, so they had to stop at this hotel, spend $150 for the night, to get 3 hours of sleep (he apparently woke them up at 8 am to try to get on the road). At this point, he was waiting for them to come down from the room, so they could hit the road again.

It just struck me as funny, since the "Don't ever have them" isn't usually the attitude I hear from parents I guess he could feel free to express himself since wife & child were away.

Cheers!
Heather W

That guy was a JERK!!! It was his fault 100% for pushing his young son that hard, just so jerk could make it in one day!!!! Don't blame the poor child!!

 

[Hixski]

That guy was a JERK!!! It was his fault 100% for pushing his young son that hard, just so jerk could make it in one day!!!! Don't blame the poor child!!

I guess he was one of those people who should have chosen not to have children. And you think everyone is going to come crying to you when they are older and don't have any......

 

[maddhatir]

That guy was a JERK!!! It was his fault 100% for pushing his young son that hard, just so jerk could make it in one day!!!! Don't blame the poor child!!

OMG! how do even know the tone of his voice while he was telling hmp2z the story- was he angry about the whole thing- maybe he was half kidding but just a bit frustrated-

how do you know he was a jerk? if he was a HUGE jerk he would have kept going and yelled at the kid to be quiet- or even worse- made his family stay in one of the 20.00 per night MOTELS along the road!

i am SURE there are PLENTY of parents whether they are coming, going or IN disney that want to tell childless people they made the right choice!

 

[Hixski]

OMG! how do even know the tone of his voice while he was telling hmp2z the story- was he angry about the whole thing- maybe he was half kidding but just a bit frustrated-

how do you know he was a jerk? if he was a HUGE jerk he would have kept going and yelled at the kid to be quiet- or even worse- made his family stay in one of the 20.00 per night MOTELS along the road!

i am SURE there are PLENTY of parents whether they are coming, going or IN disney that want to tell childless people they made the right choice!

That is what I thought I just had a little less tact in saying it.

After all the rude comments we get about not having children I do think it is funny that People with children will also tell us that even though they would not give up their children for anything, if they had it to do over they do not know if they would have them. I guess they can admit it to childless people. I am sure they would get ripped a new one if they said that to someone who thinks everyone should have children.....

Again we are all free......