Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[fakereadhed]

I'm probably one of the people who said this as well. My mom frequently counters this one with, "oh, but when it's your kid, you can't help but love them." To which I remind her how overworked the Department of Children and Families is in this state - and it's not because all of these parents just love their kids so much. I do you think you need to be emotionally prepared and willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to parent a child. I think it's great that you were able to go from not being prepared to become pregnant to loving and welcoming your children into your life. I really do hope that that's what happens for the majority of people who find themselves in that situation, but sadly I don't think it happens for all. I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement that those people are mentally ill - I think they just weren't wired for it. Plus, I think some people are better at adjusting when life throws them a curve ball than others.

ITA!

I am continually amazed at the closed-minded attitudes that people seem to have about EVERYTHING when I read posts. No wonder people make insensitive comments about people that don't have kids, have too many kids, stay at value resorts(JK)...they can't imagine someone having a life other than their own. Everyone has their own experiences and that doesn't make them wrong or mentally ill, either.

 

[kkevcamsmom]

Wait, I think you're misunderstanding here - my4kids was talking about people who have children resenting those children, not saying that people who don't want children are mentally ill. I don't agree with her opinion, but look on the bright side: I wish more people who had unplanned children could grow to love them so much that they would think there was something wrong with people who didn't feel that way. I bet we'd hear a lot less about child abuse on the news.

My bad, I did mis-read that! I still think that it's mean to suggest mental illness the only reason to resent your kids though.

 

[my4kids]

I'm probably one of the people who said this as well. My mom frequently counters this one with, "oh, but when it's your kid, you can't help but love them." To which I remind her how overworked the Department of Children and Families is in this state - and it's not because all of these parents just love their kids so much. I do you think you need to be emotionally prepared and willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to parent a child. I think it's great that you were able to go from not being prepared to become pregnant to loving and welcoming your children into your life. I really do hope that that's what happens for the majority of people who find themselves in that situation, but sadly I don't think it happens for all. I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement that those people are mentally ill - I think they just weren't wired for it. Plus, I think some people are better at adjusting when life throws them a curve ball than others.

I think it is normal to resent your situation, resent that a pregnancy made you drop out of school, resent that you gained weight from it, resent your financial situation. I resented A WHOLE LOT of things when I was pregnant the first time. I especially resented other pregnant girls or new moms who seemed to have things much easier than me. (It wasn't their fault and they probably didn't deserve my resentment, but I still resented them) I resented people that looked happy even. I also think it is normal to resent when your children fight or whine or are sloppy. What I meant by my original post was resenting the actual child for being born. I think alot of people are getting defensive when it is not needed. I too think it is normal to be ticked off about a situation, but ticked off at the baby? Yes, I think that there are people who do resent their own children and are mad at them for being born, but I stand by orignal statement that it is not normal. Maybe it is common, but not healthy and definately not right.

 

[my4kids]

I think you did want to cause a stir, otherwise you would have not made this comment.

As someonewho does home daycare I am with my kids 24/7. I love each one dearly but there are times when I want a break. How nice would it be to go to the pool and just relax?? I have no clue, don't remember...

Also as someone who does a daycare I have to take a class on reporting child abuse, this is a very intense class that is hard to take! We get to see photos of abused kids, read police reports...all that 'fun' stuff. The one's that stick out the most in my head are the moms and dads that say they never wanted the kids can the State please take them away before it gets worse. These are parents that felt pressured to have kids and gave in to that pressure and resented their kid. Are they mentally ill...No. They just were not cut out to be parents but gave in to the pressure. Yes there are parents out there that do resent the kids they have, that they NEVER wanted to have, in the first place.

Is my sister mentally ill for not wanting kids...NO in fact, she's very smart, kind, sweet and wonderful with kids actually. But had NO desire to have one.

I think to suggest someone is metally ill for not wanting to have kids is just plain mean.

I applaude the people here who stick to their guns. Plain and simple, some people just dont' feel the need to have kids, others feel the need to have as many as possible. Each has that right. Some may think people with more than 1, 2, 3, or 4 kids are mentally ill. Some think that less than 5 is not enough. To each their own.

Lori

HOLY COW! - Do you even read a post before you go blowing your top?
I have no idea what you were reading, but it wasn't my post that you quoted.
I think it is absolutley fine to not want kids! I even understand it! I was even there once! I actually started having kids before I even wanted them!
I think people who resent their kids for being born are crazy and wrong. I am not telling you that you have to feel that way, I am just saying I feel that way. Yes the social services system is full of kids whose parents resented them for being born. if the parents gave in to pressure, maybe they were not mentally healthy enough to handle it. I am not saying every kid in the system has a mentally ill parent, there are all sorts of reasons a child might end up there, I'm just saying that I personally think that it is not human nature to resent your own offspring.

 

[snusnu]

My thought has been that if we don't have kids and realize we made a mistake, we have only hurt ourselves. If we DO have kids and realize that we made a mistake, we've now dragged an innocent child into our mess. I would think most people grow to love their children even if it wasn't what they'd planned - after all, it makes sense that we would be biologically programmed to feel that way. Unfortunately, not every parent reaches that stage, as shown by the existence of government agencies like HRS. So I'm still not sure what the right answer is, but I'm glad that it is becoming more socially acceptable to make the choice that you feel is right for you, not what society expects of you.

Well said. Neither my husband or I have ever wanted children. We have a life built on each other and our families and friends, which makes us very happy. I adore children, babies in general and my nephews in particular, I just have never had the desire to have one full time. Conceiving is impossible as I can't have children, but we have discussed adoption as we have been getting a lot of pressure from certain folks close to us as they see how much I like children. And yes, I know pressure is a terrible reason to adopt a child and we would certainly never do it for that reason. I genuinely do love kids and we'd be good parents.

However, I know in my heart that the life we have now is the one we want and are happiest with. I've been working for 15 years to establish a career in opera and I couldn't have done any of the things I've done in that field with a child. It would have been horribly unfair to the kid for his or her mother to be gone fifteen hours out of every day. THAT would be selfish. Thank God I have two nephews and another on the way, so the pressure is off us.

 

[snusnu]

i would prefer a houseful of animals over a child anyday of the week--

not that i can have animals though-- i am allergic and have asthma-- HEY i wonder if we can start using THAT as an excuse for no kids!!!

It's why we have a houseful of scaly and feathery pets and no kids-I SWEAR that allergy test showed kid dander at level 4!

 

[snusnu]

I think it is normal to resent your situation, resent that a pregnancy made you drop out of school, resent that you gained weight from it, resent your financial situation. I resented A WHOLE LOT of things when I was pregnant the first time. I especially resented other pregnant girls or new moms who seemed to have things much easier than me. (It wasn't their fault and they probably didn't deserve my resentment, but I still resented them) I resented people that looked happy even. I also think it is normal to resent when your children fight or whine or are sloppy. What I meant by my original post was resenting the actual child for being born. I think alot of people are getting defensive when it is not needed. I too think it is normal to be ticked off about a situation, but ticked off at the baby? Yes, I think that there are people who do resent their own children and are mad at them for being born, but I stand by orignal statement that it is not normal. Maybe it is common, but not healthy and definately not right.

I have to tell you something. I work in an academic OB/GYN department as my day job. I was talking with an ARNP faculty member who runs education classes for nurses. She went to a symposium on postpartum depression where they discussed symptoms, which can include resentment and anger towards your new child. She said that the mothers in the room, medical professionals, mind you, were crying with relief as this description of a normally-occurring medical condition explained how they felt when their child was born. Your qualification of these extreme emotions as not healthy and not right is a judgement against those who suffer, even mildly, from a recognized medical condition. You seem to have been very lucky to have not experienced this disease, so count your blessings and be cautious to not judge.

 

[njdisneyfreak]

Originally Posted by Krissalee
I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

You're post is so similar to my experiences. I'll be 32 in a few months, got married at 25 and though we leave for WDW in a week, we plan to return for our 8th anniversary! We don't plan to have any kids. We absolutely love just being with each other and simply don't want any kids. Though we love kids, we enjoy being aunt and uncle and getting to leave and go home to our dog (our baby). But like you, we have dealt with a lot of incredulous looks over our decision and people thinking it's something we will get over.

 

[kennancat]

Since this thread is back, here's another question for you all - are you definitely sure you don't want kids, or are you still on the fence about it? How often do you change your mind?

For a long time, I was on the fence about the kid thing. Then a couple of months ago, I got off it and I'm now pretty sure I don't want kids. It's strange in a way - I was actually very stressed about making the right decision and it's like one morning I woke up with the decision made and a feeling of peace about it. A few of our friends have recently had their first children, and I think that's influenced me, of course. I enjoy playing with their kids, but I don't feel any particular need to have my own. It's not that I leave their homes and think, "wow, I'm so glad we don't have kids!". I just don't leave thinking, "wow, we must have kids!". It's not that I have a negative reaction; it's that I don't have a positive one, if that makes sense. DH and I are only 31, so we're certainly not going to take any steps to make that decision permanent for a while. He's comfortable with the idea of not having kids, but doesn't want to lock it in until we're older, which I completely agree with. That way if we wake up at 35 and decide we must have children, we've still got a chance I'll admit I'm a little nervous about planning for our future. While having kids just so they'll take care of you when you're old isn't a great plan, I would say not having kids means you need to plan that out more to make sure that you'll be okay.

 

[WDWguru]

While having kids just so they'll take care of you when you're old isn't a great plan, I would say not having kids means you need to plan that out more to make sure that you'll be okay.

I would disagree. I think both situations take equal planning. In fact those with kids may even have to plan MORE. Think about how many older people you hear about in nursing homes whose children never even visit. Those with children need to plan for their own futures AND what they'll leave to their offspring (and how it's divided up).

I knew at about 13 that I really didn't want children, but I just didn't know then that I had a choice in the matter. Once I figured that out, I was SO relieved! I did have a period right around 30 where I decided to really think it through, and came to the same conclusion I always had. The way I see it, indifference toward having children is as negative a conclusion as actively not wanting any. EVERY child should be wanted - desperatley so if possible - and as long as I don't feel that way, I won't be having any. Just think what the world would be like if only those who really truly HAD to have children had them - and how great that generation of children could be.

 

[kennancat]

I would disagree. I think both situations take equal planning. In fact those with kids may even have to plan MORE. Think about how many older people you hear about in nursing homes whose children never even visit. Those with children need to plan for their own futures AND what they'll leave to their offspring (and how it's divided up).

I certainly wouldn't say that people with children don't need to plan - you're right about the whole trust and inheritence piece making it even more involved. However, when you think about care if you one day become unable to care for yourself, not having kids can take away the default option. For example, my husband's grandmother recently passed away. Prior to her death, she'd had several strokes resulting in severe short-term memory loss and would never have been able to care for herself. DH's mother took her to all her appointments, paid her bills, got her medications, made sure she ate enough food, etc.. That's what scares me - who will provide that kind of care for me if I reach that age and am in that state? I should also add that I'm an only child. So once my parents and DH are gone, I'm essentially alone in the world, which scares the heck out of me. Plus, having grown up in Florida, I'm constantly hearing about scams aimed at the elderly. My concern is really more that I don't feel like I have a good handle on how to plan for this. What are your plans for protecting your future, if you don't mind my asking?

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I don't think that even with children you should feel comfortable in relying on them to care for you in old age. My mom used to work in a nursing home, and there are not a lot of visitors, it's very sad. She used to bring us in sometimes to visit with the residents. It broke her heart when each of her 'ladies' passed away.

Personally, I'm not counting on an 'inheritance' from my parents or DH's parents, nor am I thinking of what I can financially pass on to my children. I am, however, wanting to make sure we are covered should DH lose his job, be disabled, or either of us should die. I want to make sure we can send the boys to college to get a decent start in life. (Not that you can't do well without college, I just think it's harder these days.) And if we can enjoy the here and now along the way (like seeing Mickey for the first time this September!), that's all that matters.

 

[WDWguru]

What are my plans? Well, I hope enough at this point in my life ("only" 35). Though I have a younger sister, cousins, neices/nephews, etc, I know better than to count on relying on ANYone else in that situation, just to be safe. DH and I both have life insurance (through work and extra on the side), 401k plans and savings. My father is a lawyer so we have things set up legally to ensure not everything disappears to estate taxes and there is plenty to set either or both of us up whether we're at home and able to care for ourselves or reliant on in-home care or even a facility. That's really about all anyone can do.

 

[TDC Nala]

For as long as I can remember I have known I did not want to raise children, and I have not. I have long term care insurance and will go into assisted living if it is necessary.

I don't believe anyone should have children because they want someone to care for them when they age. Things happen. The kids might not be able to or want to. Provide for your own needs in that area first if you can.

And no matter what you plan, you can NEVER be one hundred percent absolutely sure that you will be okay. There are no guarantees.

 

[Alaska Catdog]

When I met DH I really liked him and dreaded telling him that I was not interested in having kids. I had to tell him when he starting talking about marriage. Imagine my relief (and his) when he said "me too!". I reserved the right to change my mind because I wasn't 100% sure, that was 7 years ago and I still havn't found my biological clock. (I figure if it was ticking, I'd be able to find it.) I like kids but I don't want them. I am not concerned about my old age, I figure when I'm in the nursing home, I won't have anything to complain about when my kids don't visit me, cause I won't have any. Someone before me said it best, I'll paraphrase; if a child is not absolutely wanted then the potential parent should probably wait until it is. I've never gotten to the point where I questioned this decision, much less actually wanted a kid. Until I really really really want one, it's just not gonna happen.
PS when people say "you'd make such great parents" I say "I know, but I'd really hate it." that shuts them up.

 

[hollyb]

It is said you will never hear the words. "I love you mommy: sweetest words in the English language. I will pray that you change your mind. Your very young still.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

It is said you will never hear the words. "I love you mommy: sweetest words in the English language. I will pray that you change your mind. Your very young still.

1. Not every mother hears those words.

2. Most mothers hear many other things 100 times for every "I love you mommy".

3. I hear "I love you, Aunt Lulu" and "I love you"'s from my parents, friends, students, cousins, etc. etc. etc. "I love you" is very sweet to hear, but not just from your child.

I don't know why you can't accept that some people don't want to have children. Some people are happier that way. If you want to pray for someone, pray for the children that say "I love you mommy" to an abusive parent or a tattered picture. Pray for the children that are alive that are unwanted, not the people who are smart enough to know what is best for themselves.

 

[PghLybrt]

LululovesDisney.... I couldnt have said it better myself...Thank you.

And not to mention what I don't have to hear (mine mine, me me, i want it, I hate you ect ect ) or what I don't have to expereince!

 

[maddhatir]

1. Not every mother hears those words.

2. Most mothers hear many other things 100 times for every "I love you mommy".

3. I hear "I love you, Aunt Lulu" and "I love you"'s from my parents, friends, students, cousins, etc. etc. etc. "I love you" is very sweet to hear, but not just from your child.

I don't know why you can't accept that some people don't want to have children. Some people are happier that way. If you want to pray for someone, pray for the children that say "I love you mommy" to an abusive parent or a tattered picture. Pray for the children that are alive that are unwanted, not the people who are smart enough to know what is best for themselves.

AMEN TO THAT!

i have a niece and nephew- my nephew does not talk yet- but i do get to hear "i love you" from my niece-- however, my niece does not say her "Ls" very well- so what i hear is..."I YUVE YOU!" and that it just fine for me!

never wanted kids--- never will! NOW! I CONSIDER MYSELF BLESSED!

 

[fakereadhed]

It is said you will never hear the words. "I love you mommy: sweetest words in the English language. I will pray that you change your mind. Your very young still.

That would be a totally selfish reason to have kids- to have someone to love you. It's not all about you. Kids are not there for YOU, you are there for THEM.

I have kids but some of the comments to those who don't really make me