Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[kennancat]

It is said you will never hear the words. "I love you mommy: sweetest words in the English language. I will pray that you change your mind. Your very young still.

You know, I'm going to try to give hollyb the benefit of the doubt here - I'm sure you love your kids a lot and can't imagine not having them in your life. I think that's great and I wish all parents felt like that. But not everyone wants the same things out of life. My husband and I are both engineers. Do I go around trying to convince everyone that they should become an engineer? Oh, but just think of that great feeling you get when you've been working on a really tough math or programming problem and you finally figure out the solution. Uh no - that just doesn't do it for some people. Do I think that's sad or that they're missing out? No, because I realize that people are different and what means the world to one person doesn't matter to another. I'm sure someone would argue that becoming a parent is much more important and fulfilling than intellectual pursuit, and I would argue that to them it is, to me, it isn't. While hearing "I love you, mommy" may make you melt, it just doesn't strike a chord in me right now.

Bottom line: don't feel sad for me. My life is going in the path which I believe it is intended to go. Maybe one day my biological clock will wake up and I'll decide I want to be a parent - I certainly reserve the right to change my mind. But even if I don't, I believe I can have a fulfilling and wonderful life without children. I would ask that you have more of an open mind to accepting that other people value and want different things in life then you do. It doesn't make them wrong or bad, it just makes them different from you. To me, what would be sad would be living with such a narrow view of life's possibilities that you pity anyone not wanting the same experiences that you want.

 

[WDWguru]

I would ask that you have more of an open mind to accepting that other people value and want different things in life then you do. It doesn't make them wrong or bad, it just makes them different from you. To me, what would be sad would be living with such a narrow view of life's possibilities that you pity anyone not wanting the same experiences that you want.

 

[Dina]

It is said you will never hear the words. "I love you mommy: sweetest words in the English language. I will pray that you change your mind. Your very young still.

Come on-- why would you come on here and say something like that. This thread (from what I've seen) seemed to be created because people are frustrated in being pressured to create a lifestyle that they don't want-- and then you come on the thread and do just that??? As others have said, that's not a good reason to have kids. Why come on and say something like that? Having kids is not for everyone.

For the record, I hear your little quote sometimes, but lately more often than not I hear "I don't want to be part of this family anymore, I want a new family, one without rules" from my 6yo. That was yesterday at the grocery, when I said no to a bag of candy --- yeah, it Made me all warm and fuzzy.

 

[Ragtime Gal]

I never read this board but saw the thread and wanted to respond. Hope that's okay.

I have three children, and one of them has special needs. I love my children, but it is hard work and there are a lot of tears shed and sleepless nights, especially over my special needs child. (Will she be able to take are of herself? Will she be happy in life? What will happen to her after we are gone?)

I'm glad I had children but this kind of pressure is definitely not for everyone. You probably hate people saying how much you would like having children as much as I hate people suggesting that I was somehow chosen to be the parent of my daughter and how it will make me strong, etc.

Do what is right for you, and know that being a parent can take a real emotional toll on you, so only do it if you are absolutely sure that you are ready to deal with whatever comes along!

 

[maddhatir]

For the record, I hear your little quote sometimes, but lately more often than not I hear "I don't want to be part of this family anymore, I want a new family, one without rules" from my 6yo. That was yesterday at the grocery, when I said no to a bag of candy --- yeah, it Made me all warm and fuzzy.

this is EXACTLY what sticks in my mind when i think of the JOY of having kids

no thanks!

 

[druidia]

Alaska Catdog, thank you for my first laugh out loud of the day.

PS when people say "you'd make such great parents" I say "I know, but I'd really hate it." that shuts them up.

**************************************************

I think whether someone "resents the child for being born" or "resents being a parent" the net effect upon the child is the same. Some people are just no good at hiding their emotions for the sake of anyone, including their own children. I think ultimately that child is going to feel that resentment one way or another, and it will shape their lives and relationships. I think parents give off more vibes that they think sometimes, and children are particularly intuitive about the emotions of another, whether or not they understand them.

I long for the day when people stop doing things because someone else thinks they should, and start making decisions based upon what THEY will have to live with going forward. It doesn't matter what the grandparents want, what the friends are doing, our even what your religion dictates. If those people/entities are not there at the end of the day to raise your child and provide all manner of support, they should stay out of it. The parents-to-be are the ones that must live with the decision.

 

[Best_Vacation_EVER!]

My DH and I had been married for more than 10 years -- and we were pretty sure that we didn't want kids. We were very happy -- we did what we wanted, travelling was easy (taking our dogs to a kennel is far easier than taking a baby to a babysitter), our house looked great, etc... . We pretty much had things exactly as we wanted it. It drove me nuts when people would start harping on how we "have to have kids" or "how our lives wouldn't be complete until we had babies".

We came to the decision on our own terms that we wanted to be parents and now have an 8 week old --- who is totally amazing and who we love sooo much. Our happiness did not hinge on us having a baby (we would have been very happy if we hadn't had made the decision to have a baby.)

Having a baby totally turns your life upside down -- the lack of sleep, total dedication to another being, the notion that for the next 25 years (hopefully he'll be done university and starting out on his own by then) he's pretty much dependant on us, trying to "baby-proof" our house, etc... . We love it but it's pretty much all consuming.

I totally understand and respect the decision anyone makes about whether to have kids or not. It's not a decision to be taken lightly either way. Life is short (kids or no kids) --- ENJOY IT!

 

[bumpkin]

So glad to meet someone who feels just like I do! Im 31 and have been married 5 years. We both have great jobs, a nice big house and take 3 or 4 vacations a year. Im really like my life the way it is. I still take alot of flack from people who have kids. Most dont understand why I would choose not to have kids. Im sure most cant see life without their children, but I cant see my life with them. Its a very personal choice. Really as long as my husband is ok with it I dont feel I have to answer to anyone else. We just planned our Sept trip to Disney (our 3rd) as adults. Im glad I dont have kids to drag along. Probably sounds harsh but everyone is different right? To each his own. Im glad we live in a time where we have a choice.

 

[Haley Whippet]

I am 32 years old. I have been married since I was 25 (celebrating our 7th anniversary at WDW).

DH and I choose not to have children. I have never wanted to have children. Early in our marriage, people asked questions about kids, and we always said, "We aren't having any. We are happy as we are."

I guess they thought we were bluffing, because the questions have been coming hard and fast.

My usual responses, depending on the questioning:
"No, we are not having children"
"No, we are not planning on having children."
"We don't want to have children - our dogs are enough."
"We don't want children - we are very happy with our life as it is."
"We choose not to have chidren."
"We choose to be child-free."
"We choose not to be parents."
"We want to be good aunts and uncles, and that will satisfy us"

People keep on asking, and they don't find my answers acceptable. They don't feel that my choice is VALID?

It makes me angry, but it also makes me sad. I think a lot of people are having children because it is expected of them, and not what they really want.

Any one want to give their input - I would appreciate it!

We are married 32 years, with no kids. The questions well never stop.
Just smile and say No we don't have kids, and yes we are free to travel and go to WDW anytime we want
Deb

 

[Markstudy]

I answer in another way....

"I've noticed that folks have kids mainly because everyone else does it.
I've never had that flock mentality, I lean more towards the sheep-herders than the sheep. When you think about it, it takes more planning not to have accidents (I mean kids)."

So....that answer usually saves me from the next hour of chatting about how great their kids 4th birthday party was





.

 

[maddhatir]

We were very happy -- we did what we wanted, travelling was easy (taking our dogs to a kennel is far easier than taking a baby to a babysitter),

YOU SEE! now THATS why, in NO WAY whatsoever, would i make a good parent-- i would be taking the KIDS to the kennel and the DOGS to the sitter!

DH and I are very irresponsible that way!

 

[Myrtle]

Married 5 years before - unexpectedly - having a son. We'd not planned on having a child and were doing what we wanted. 2 years later I lost a baby to a "one in a million" problem. I never understood the whole thing either until I became a mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything. My mom always said, "the love you feel for your child is totally different from the love you'll ever experience with anyone else." It's so true.

I agree with thelionking on everything. Now that he's 15 - I gotta say I'm looking a bit forward to his college years and our being able to travel but I wouldn't trade the life I've shared with my son for anything in this world.

When we lost our baby - well-meaning people said some really stupid things - like, "you can always have another one." That was pretty hurtful - though unintentional.

Sounds to me like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Follow your heart as well. I applaude the fact you know yourself so well and are comfortable with who you are. If you choose not to have a child - it's your decision and you know best. It's really not anyone else's business. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

 

[hollyb]

So glad to meet someone who feels just like I do! Im 31 and have been married 5 years. We both have great jobs, a nice big house and take 3 or 4 vacations a year. Im really like my life the way it is. I still take alot of flack from people who have kids. Most dont understand why I would choose not to have kids. Im sure most cant see life without their children, but I cant see my life with them. Its a very personal choice. Really as long as my husband is ok with it I dont feel I have to answer to anyone else. We just planned our Sept trip to Disney (our 3rd) as adults. Im glad I dont have kids to drag along. Probably sounds harsh but everyone is different right? To each his own. Im glad we live in a time where we have a choice.

Here's a shocker we have a nice home and take many vacations a year. PLUS we have 2 wonderful children. Having kids does not mean you can't have nice things or go on nice vacation. Shocking I know.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I am married and we have two children; I can't imagine my life without them. BUT, I also think it's your right to choose if you want to have children or not. I don't think there's anything wrong with married people not having or wanting children.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

When we lost our baby - well-meaning people said some really stupid things - like, "you can always have another one." That was pretty hurtful - though unintentional.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine anyone saying something like that! When my puppy passed away, someone mentioned something like that and it ticked me off when it was about my pet- I can't imagine someone saying that about a child.

 

[kennancat]

Here's a shocker we have a nice home and take many vacations a year. PLUS we have 2 wonderful children. Having kids does not mean you can't have nice things or go on nice vacation.

No, of course it doesn't mean that you can't have those things. But it does change things. I've always said that I'd like to go to Europe before having children, if we ever chose to have them. There's no law saying you can't bring kids to Europe. But I want to be able to really enjoy the trip and take it all in, not spending time worrying about whether my 3 year old can take one more cathedral before having a meltdown and where the heck I'm going to find chicken nuggets for the picky eater 6 year old. If you have kids, you have to put their needs above your wants.

Shocking I know.

Okay, enough already. What is your goal here? Between the above and your last contribution:

It is said you will never hear the words. "I love you mommy: sweetest words in the English language. I will pray that you change your mind. Your very young still.

it feels like you're just having fun stirring the pot. The people in this thread either don't want kids or are debating it, which has nothing to do with your life or the choices you've made. Is this kind of baiting really necessary?

 

[hollyb]

No not try to stir anything. Just am happy to be a mom with great kids. But don't come crying when your to old to have kids and then wonder why you can't get pregnant.

Enjoy Europe!

 

[WillCAD]

When we lost our baby - well-meaning people said some really stupid things - like, "you can always have another one." That was pretty hurtful - though unintentional.

Just tell idiots who say things like that, "Yeah, I guess I shouldn't be upset about losing a child, since they're all the same and can be replaced like a lamp or a car."

Maybe that'll make them realize how stupid the "you can always have another one" comment really is.

No not try to stir anything. Just am happy to be a mom with great kids. But don't come crying when your to old to have kids and then wonder why you can't get pregnant.

Enjoy Europe!

It's also pretty stupid to assume that anybody who doesn't want kids NOW will obviously change their minds later and want kids. What makes you think anybody who truly doesn't want kids when they're 30 is going to change their mind at 40 or 50 or 60 and want kids?

Some of us know our own hearts well enough to not to delude ourselves. We don't want kids now, and we never will. And we know it. You think you know us better?

 

[purplegirl247]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, so we usually get the "why aren't you guys married yet??" question. I've been pretty straightforward with not wanting children, so most people in my life know better than to ask. HOWEVER, I went to the GYN a few months ago for my annual exam, was chatting with the doctor about birth control, and mentioned to her I never wanted to have children. Her eyes got all big, her brows furrowed, and she said, "Oh my gosh, really? I've never heard a woman say that before!" (uh, does she not talk to many women?)

So I gave her the pat answers of, "It just isn't for me, I helped raise my brothers, I'm just not maternal, etc. etc." Didn't work. I got a ten-minute lecture FROM MY GYN about the joys of having children. At this point, I was really, really fearful about the birth control chat we'd just had; I was afraid she was going to give me something with a low dosage or something to force me into feeling the joy. In conclusion, yes, it's inappropriate for the general public to ask about your child plans, but it should be illegal to get it from the person who is supposed to be your impartial doctor!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Wow! We must look motherly, lol.

I've been w my bf for four years, too and I had a similar (but not as direct) situation w my gyn. He said we were so cute and what gorgeous children we'd have and asked when we're going to have kids. I was so taken aback! I said "not for a long time" We're not even married yet! I mean, I've known him for a long time (like 13 yrs) since he delivered my nephews, but still, I was surprised. I don't know what I would have done with a lecture like that!

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, so we usually get the "why aren't you guys married yet??" question. I've been pretty straightforward with not wanting children, so most people in my life know better than to ask. HOWEVER, I went to the GYN a few months ago for my annual exam, was chatting with the doctor about birth control, and mentioned to her I never wanted to have children. Her eyes got all big, her brows furrowed, and she said, "Oh my gosh, really? I've never heard a woman say that before!" (uh, does she not talk to many women?)

So I gave her the pat answers of, "It just isn't for me, I helped raise my brothers, I'm just not maternal, etc. etc." Didn't work. I got a ten-minute lecture FROM MY GYN about the joys of having children. At this point, I was really, really fearful about the birth control chat we'd just had; I was afraid she was going to give me something with a low dosage or something to force me into feeling the joy. In conclusion, yes, it's inappropriate for the general public to ask about your child plans, but it should be illegal to get it from the person who is supposed to be your impartial doctor!